


Year One (What You Left Behind Became My Everything)

by copyrightings



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Band Fic, Bullying (mentioned), Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, Given AU, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Alternating, Slow Burn, Some Humor, if you've seen given then u know its a lot of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:35:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 95,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24593893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/copyrightings/pseuds/copyrightings
Summary: When Kageyama Tobio arrived at his normal napping spot, the last thing he expected to see was a boy desperately clutching a broken guitar. When Hinata Shouyou awoke from his horrible dream, the last thing he expected to see was a boy who could mend more than just guitar strings.given/band AU: kagehina and tsukkiyama centric with minor background kurooken, iwaoi, bokuaka and mentions of past atsuhina
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Past Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu - Relationship, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 184
Kudos: 457





	1. Lonely Boy

**Author's Note:**

> hello there and thanks for reading!! 
> 
> this AU is inspired by the manga/anime given so there will be similar plot points and themes but if you haven’t checked out given you totally wont be lost. it holds up completely on its own while paying homage to one of my most recent fave shows!
> 
> i cannot express how excited i am for this series. It’s definitely a challenge considering i write mostly one-shots rn but i have a few chapters pre-written and im so excited to see where this thing goes!
> 
> again, thank you so much and I hope you enjoy!!

Within his first week at Karasuno, Tobio had found the perfect place to nap. 

Outside the main building, through the second gym, on the opposite side of the stage there was a set of double doors that lead to a quiet staircase. He found it by accident really; he was trying to escape the petulant begs of some classmates to play volleyball during freetime and ended up in the secluded staircase. With the light hitting just so and the doors to the gym completely shut, the first landing turned out to be the perfect place to take a nap. 

Tobio found himself coming here during lunch or after school or during allotted club time. Any given moment was spent dozing off on that staircase. It was the perfect escape away from his classmates and those volleyball club guys. His own paradise. 

So when Tobio opened the door like he’d done so many days before, the last thing he expected to see was a small teenager clutching a guitar. 

Tobio semi-recognized the guy. He couldn’t place him exactly but he knew the kid was also a first-year. But now that he was actually seeing him, Tobio found the guy hard to ignore given his bright orange hair and innocent-looking face. The way he desperately held onto the guitar despite the multiple broken strings made him impossible to forget. 

He woke up at the sound of the slamming door. He barely moved his eyes to register Tobio standing there, arms crossed and feet planted. The boy scooted over ever-so-slightly and motioned for Tobio to pass through. 

Tobio sighed. He stuck his hands deep into his pockets and climbed up the stairs until he reached his nap spot. 

The boy simply hugged the guitar even tighter. 

Tobio took a seat beside him. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Sitting here,” the boy responded easily. His voice was soft and mellow but Tobio suspected this wasn’t how the kid actually sounded. 

“Why are you sitting in my nap spot though, huh?” Tobio growled back. “I come here every single day.”  
  
“I didn’t know…”  
  
“And what are you doing with those shredded strings?” Tobio’s voice rose into nearly a shout. “You’re going to damage your guitar if you even attempt to play it like that you need to replace them—”  
  
“You can fix this?” The boy asked, bringing his face close to Tobio’s. His entire demeanor had changed in an instant. The closed-in shell of a boy had been replaced by an exuberant child whose brown eyes were swimming with hope and life. 

“Of course I can fix it.”  
  
The boy broke out into a joyous smile. He loosened his grip on the guitar, almost like he was expecting something. 

Tobio furrowed his brows. “But I’m not going to if you’re going to just sit here in my spot. Leave.”

But the boy didn’t budge. His eyes just became brighter each second until they resembled that of a puppy or some other adorable creature that Tobio could never seem to interact with. 

Something lit inside of Tobio. Probably tiredness. He fled back through the double doors, out the second gym, back into the main building, to his classroom and retrieved his spare set of strings. He made the same journey back, giving off dangerous vibes in order to not speak to his annoying classmates, until he reached the boy and his guitar. 

Tobio fixed the strings while shouting the entire time. He lectured the guy on guitar maintenance between ridicule of the guy’s idiocy. Tobio’s hands worked effortlessly to repair the strings so he spent most of his brain power attempting to come up with better insults for this boy other than dumbass (he came up with none).

In mere minutes, the guitar was ready as new. Tobio couldn’t help but think about how nice the guitar actually was: a red Gibson ES-330. This kid obviously had no idea what he was doing so why did he have a guitar this nice? 

While Tobio had the chance, he strummed it lightly at first to test out the tuning. He adjusted the strings as needed, horribly aware that this kid’s eyes were glued on him. He watched Tobio’s every move with a sort of awestruck delight reminiscent of a child. Satisfied with the tuning, he strummed it lightly to get used to the feel. 

He smirked and struck a resonant chord; its melodious sound echoed throughout the staircase to shatter the stagnant silence. 

“Wow,” the boy said. “That’s amazing… ah…”  
  
“Kageyama.”  
  
The boy smiled. “Kageyama. I’m Hinata, by the way.” He took the guitar back from Tobio, his fingers lightly trailing over the new strings. “Say, Kageyama, could you teach me how to play this?”

Did this kid… really have no idea how to play the guitar? 

“No,” Tobio answered quickly before he could even nurse the idea. 

“Eh?” Hinata questioned, leaning in closer. Tobio had nowhere to go. “Why not? You’re so amazing! Please teach me!”

Tobio’s back hit the staircase railing but Hinata was still nudging forward. “N-no, you dumbass. I don’t teach people.”  
  
“Please?” Hinata begged. “I’ll pay you back for the strings!”  
  
“You mean you weren’t planning on doing that in the first place?!”  
  
“Do you know who Little Giant is?” Hinata was now nearly entirely pressed up against Tobio, their noses almost brushing. Tobio couldn’t even move his arms to push him away so they sat there in their own little world while Hinata’s intense stare dug deep into Tobio. 

“Who?”

Hinata finally pulled himself away. “It’s this band from Miyagi. They have a great lead singer who also plays guitar super well. I saw them play live when I was little. I always wanted to learn how to play but…” his voice trailed off into a small whisper. He shook his head and put on a mask of happiness once more. 

“I want to be like the vocalist in Little Giant. I want to be in a band and play lots of live shows. And I want you to teach me guitar, Kageyama.”

What was this dazzling sparkle that encapsulated Hinata’s entire being? The hopeful lilt to his voice and this unforeseen authenticity that verified every word he said? Was Tobio once like this too?

Tobio frowned. If he ever had an ounce of Hinata’s excitement or drive it might’ve been lost somewhere along the way. A horrifying memory of that one day in middle school attempted to creep its way to the forefront of his mind. He forcefully pushed the thought away. 

In an odd way, Hinata’s exuberance was starting to rub off on Tobio. He could almost see them practicing here after school and between classes. Renting out a studio, linking up with a bassist and drummer, playing lives every weekend. The rockstar dream a small Tobio once had. 

Tobio shook his head. “No, I already told you I don’t teach people.”  
  
Hinata’s eyes went big. “But-”  
  
“I-I barely even know you! We can’t just form a band on a whim and play live! We need a drummer… and a bassist and money and a whole lot more than just one nice guitar.”  
  
“Don’t you have a guitar too?” Hinata asked, cocking his head. 

Tobio groaned. “That’s besides the point. We’re not forming a band. Try the light music club. ”  
  
The bell signaling for their next class made Tobio’s harsh words echo through the staircase. He didn’t intend for them to bite that much but at least it would put an end to this whole affair. Tobio could forget about Hinata and his big eyes and his broken guitar. Or at least he could try. 

\---

The rhythmic tapping of fingers stirred Tobio from his much-needed sleep. Due to the run-in with Hinata during lunch, his nap had been temporarily shifted to class time. It wasn’t ideal considering he didn’t understand much of his lessons while awake, but it’d have to do for today. 

But that tapping changed it all. It was a simple beat but it kept in time and had a nice, steady flow to it. He could almost imagine the beat transferring easily to a drum set; with the right guitar chords it could even pass for a melody. 

Tobio inquisitively turned back, catching the owner of those cadenced fingers. It was a boy with a mop of brown hair and a whole load of freckles dotted across his face. He was attentive towards the teacher but he still kept the steady beat in his left hand while he jotted down notes with his right. The ability to multitask so easily while performing different motions in each hand… who was this guy?

As soon as the bell rang for club activities, the boy stood from his seat and made his way out of the classroom. Tobio followed the boy, grabbing him by the shoulder as soon as he stepped foot into the hallway. 

“Do you play the drums?” Tobio asked, not even bothering to introduce himself.

The boy’s face lit up with confusion. Up close, Tobio could easily see just how many freckles the guy had. He could also see the slight fear light up in his eyes as Tobio neared. The guy took a step back and lifted up his arms in defense. “Ahh… what?”

“Do you play the drums?” Tobio repeated. “I heard your tapping during class. You were playing a perfect standard 8th note groove with just your fingers while you were still paying attention to the teacher.”  
  
“Oh, sorry about that,” the boy sighed, his eyes darting around nervously. “I didn’t mean to disturb you…” 

“It doesn’t matter, do you play the drums?”  
  
The boy finally met Tobio’s firm gaze. “Yeah. Or well I used to. I was in a band in middle school so I haven’t played at an actual drum set since. I’m in the—”  
  
“Yamaguchi.”  
  
The freckled boy perked up at what was evidently his name. Tobio followed his gaze to another boy standing in front of a classroom door. He was pretty tall for a first year with short blond hair and thick-rimmed glasses. 

“Let’s go,” the blond instructed. 

The supposed Yamaguchi called back, “Okay, Tsukki!” He gave Tobio a quick bow and made his way down the hall. 

The apparent Tsukki scanned Tobio before eventually turning on his heel. He didn’t even wait for Yamaguchi to catch up before he was well on his way to god knows where. 

\---

“What was that about?” Tsukki asked as they rounded the corner of the hall. Tadashi could almost detect a disturbance in his normal flat tone; like there was a hidden snap to his words. 

“Dunno,” Tadashi responded. “He asked if I played the drums.”  
  
“What did you say?”  
  
Tadashi eyed Tsukki. He was out of balance. It was slight and would be imperceptible to pretty much anyone other than Tadashi, but after years of friendship he had the unique skill of picking up Tsukki’s mood changes. It was a rarity to see him concerned so Tsukki’s upturned brows and slight quiver in his lips just further piqued Tadashi’s curiosity. 

“I said I used to but I don’t really play any more.”  
  
Tension seemed to ease from Tsukki’s shoulders. While he kept his gaze front as they wound down the halls, there was still a lingering feeling that something was bugging him. 

Tsukki pressed his lips together. “Did he say anything about a band?”

Tadashi couldn’t help but let an expression of surprise warp his face. He tried to hide his growing smile with his hand but Tadashi was sure Tsukki still picked up on it. 

They didn’t discuss their broken band. In fact, this was the first time Tsukki had even mentioned a band in years. Sure, they talked lots about music and what they were listening to and artists they favored but that common era of their lives was seldom discussed. Tadashi knew too well everything that went down so he tried to keep even the word ‘band’ out of his vernacular. But if Tsukki was the one to mention it… 

“Nope,” Tadashi said. “He only asked about the drums.”  
  
“Good.” Tsukki’s voice was firm. 

They reached the music room where some of their fellow orchestra members were already beginning to tune their instruments. Tsukki left Tadashi without a word in order to retrieve his cello. Tadashi said hello to a few of the string and brass members and gave a quick wave to their pianist, Yachi. 

He then took his seat behind the timpani and began to warm up his hands. The longer he sat in that little seat and went through the motions of the new piece, the more dread settled in the pit of his stomach. 

Tadashi hated orchestra. 

\---

Shouyou didn’t mean to fall asleep on the staircase again. 

He really didn’t intend to sleep anywhere but when tiredness encased him, Shouyou was suddenly thrown back to that day. The image seemed to pop up every single time Shouyou closed his eyes. Maybe that’s why he hated sleeping at night. He did everything he could to stay awake so his mind wouldn’t drift off to places he didn’t want to see. Instead, Hinata nodded off during class and breaks. He didn’t intend to but at some point he needed rest. He was almost in a trance as his body took over and lead him back to the previously claimed nap spot (it really was the perfect place to nap). 

He went through the day again: the quiet train ride and the endless passing of strangers. The overwhelming silence when Shouyou knocked on the door. The horrid expression. The crimson red that matched the guitar. He saw it all perfectly. 

“Oi.”  
  
Kageyama’s voice pulled Shouyou out of his dream once again. He stood at the bottom of the staircase, although this time he had his own guitar strapped to his back. 

“Were you being serious?” Kageyama’s gaze was stern. “Do you actually want to learn how to play the guitar?”  
  
All of the treading negative emotions from his dream were flooded away. 

“Of course!” 

Kageyama walked up the steps slowly until he stopped a few before Shouyou. He crouched down so their eyes met in perfect level. 

“Fine. I’ll teach you.”  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session two: Kid A


	2. Kid A

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there again!!
> 
> can I just say im super grateful for the positive feedback on the first chapter im so 🥺 rn over it. honestly ur comments and kudos mean the absolute world to me and a genuine, heartfelt thanks to everyone who subscribed ❤️❤️❤️
> 
> without further ado, here is chapter two!

The school was flooded with the sounds of sad strings.

Tobio found himself in his napping spot turned makeshift studio long after Hinata, as well as the rest of the school, had left for the day. Midday sunlight softly streaming through the large windows had been replaced with near darkness; the only illumination came from cascading moonlight which only served to cast more shadows along the staircase. 

Hinata was seriously messing up his normal sleep schedule. 

Tobio was begrudgingly making his way back through the second gym and into the school to retrieve his book bag when a wave of music caught him off guard. It was like the entire building was full of euphonic music. He was swept away by the lurking melancholy of the piece and unknowingly found himself drifting towards the source. 

It was vaguely familiar, like a tune he’d heard before but never knew the name of. Regardless, he’d never heard the piece performed so well. Whoever the cellist was clearly knew their instrument and utilized their skill to the best of their ability. 

Up a flight of stairs in the back corner of the building, the sad cello came to a beautiful yet poignant end. Tobio could see light sticking out from what should have been an empty orchestra room. Instead, he could hear papers shuffling around and the sly movements of the cellist. 

Tobio inched closer, the loud thrum of his heartbeat threatening to give him away. The unmistakable sound of an amp being plugged in made Tobio creep forward even more. He could barely make out the someone tuning an instrument most definitely  _ not  _ a cello. 

The deep, emphatic sound of a bass guitar filled the silence. 

Unlike the wistful song of the cello, the bass was filled with spirit and fire. The bassist expertly plucked the chords and strung together a jazzy beat unlike anything Tobio had heard before. Just from a few notes, he knew the player must have had years of experience layered with a natural affinity for music. 

Who did this guy think he was?

Tobio couldn’t take it anymore. He stood up to peek through the window of the door as the bass came abruptly to a stop. The room was completely empty. 

He pressed his face against the glass, attempting to just look at the identity of the player when the door was pulled away from him. Tobio fell flat onto the ground, his arms barely giving him a cushion as the air was ripped from his lungs. 

“Ow,” he muttered as he rolled onto his back. 

A boy’s face appeared over his own. Even upside down, Tobio managed to recognize those glasses paired with that blond hair. It was… 

Panic flooded.  _ Shit what was his name? _

He barely knew his friend, the drummer that went by Yama-something, but he knew even less about this one. All Tobio could actually figure out about the guy was that he played a great bass  _ and  _ cello. 

“Enjoying your listening session?” The guy smirked. “I don’t enjoy people who stalk me.”   
  
Tobio sat up, narrowly avoiding colliding with the guy. He turned to see he had a bass strapped around his back. There was also a cello case lying near a backpack, a music stand, and a singular amp. Otherwise the room was set up in tiered chairs ready for orchestra practice.

“I wasn’t stalking you,” Tobio retorted. 

The guy frowned. “I’m not joining your band.”   
  
“Who said anything about a band?”   
  
“I enjoy liars even  _ less _ than I enjoy stalkers,” he said, unplugging his bass from the amp. “First you ask Yamaguchi if he plays drums and then you seek me out just when I started playing the bass… it’s obvious you’re trying to start something.”   
  
Tobio rose to his feet. “I didn’t—”   
  
“I know who you are, King,” he snarled back. “Don’t think you can trick me like your other petty subjects.”   
  
There it was.  _ King.  _ The infamous nickname that hung around Tobio like a cape made out of metal. It weighed him down bit by bit each time he even heard the wicked name. He thought by coming to this school he could shake away what happened but sure enough this kid, whoever he was, knew everything about him. About everything he did. 

Tobio clenched his fists at his side. “You—”

“Oh getting angry are we?” There was a lilt to this guy’s voice almost like he enjoyed torturing Tobio with his dark past.

Tobio furrowed his brows and stepped forward. It took him every last nerve to not just punch the guy and see if he’s still be smirking with a bloody lip. But something held him back. 

“You don’t know anything about me,” Tobio stated, voice hard and firm. 

The guy let out a  _ tch.  _ “Just stay away from Yamaguchi and I. Two jesters like us are not worthy enough to play in the King’s court.”

With that, he gathered the rest of his things and swiftly left Tobio alone in the orchestra room. 

\---

“Hinata Shouyou?”

Shouyou perked up from his nap to see a small, pale girl standing beside his desk. She had big brown eyes and blonde hair half-tied up; she could have been considered cute if not for the pained expression spread across her face. 

“I-I’m Yachi Hitoka,” she said, voice squeaking. “You went to Yukigaoka Junior High, right?”

Shouyou could see it now. Subtract a few inches and give her pigtails, he could see her milling around the halls of their middle school. They’d never really spoken before seeing as Shouyou was consumed with so much at the time… 

“Yeah I did,” he answered, trying to erase the sadness from his voice. 

She nodded, dropping her expression for just a moment. “Sorry if I’m disturbing you or anything, I really don’t mean to be a bother it’s just at this new school it’s sort of nice to see a familiar face ya know? Even if we didn’t exactly talk in middle school it’s just wow high school is so big and the orchestra kids can be kind of closed-off and I guess I kind of got relieved when I figured out it was you?”   
  
Her arms went all over the place as she spoke faster and faster. She also couldn’t keep her eyes fixed on one spot like she feared making eye contact for too long. 

“It’s okay, Yachi-san,” Shouyou calmed. Yachi let out a nervous breath. “Really, it is good to see someone I know. There’s a lot of scary-looking people at this school. I feel like every time I go to the bathroom I meet some new foe or something.”

Her face slowly came to a resting position. Without fear wrapping around her like a protective blanket, Shouyou could see them becoming good friends.

“Yeah, the guys here are so tall and menacing!” Yachi agreed. “I’m glad we’re on a similar page.”   
  
“Yeah!”   
  
Yachi’s eyes drifted beneath Shouyou’s seat. “Hinata-kun, do you play guitar?”

“No,” he laughed in response. 

That was the trigger. Her eyes went big and she slammed herself into a low bow. “I’m so sorry!” She cried, her voice loud and clear to raise the attention of their classmates. “I didn’t mean to offend you! I was making wrong assumptions about you again I’m so sorry!”

_ Again? _

Shouyou shook off the comment. “Yachi-san, what I meant to say is that I’m learning to play guitar.”   
  
She slowly raised her body, small tears beginning to form. Yachi was truly terrified. Her wobbly legs lowered her into desk besides Shouyou’s. It was like her soul was being drained from a shallow husk of a body. 

“A guy from Class 3 named Kageyama is teaching me,” Shouyou beamed. Yachi seemed to be responding well so he continued on. “Admittedly, I’m not very good yet but I dream to play a lot of live shows and be in a super cool band one day! I want to be a really great guitar player!”

Yachi’s soul grounded itself. “That’s amazing.”

“Do you play any instruments?”   
  
“I… well…” A thick blush settled on her ears. “I play piano for the school’s orchestra. I’m not very good but there aren’t many pianists at the school…”

Something ignited inside of Shouyou. A sort of excitement he hadn’t felt in such a long time he almost couldn’t recognize the feeling in the first place. But there was a sense that things were starting to fall into place; the second cog in a machine. First meeting Kageyama and now Yachi… it was all starting to turn around. 

And yet  _ that _ vision came back into mind and threatened to quell the stirring vivacity in Shouyou’s chest. 

“Will you teach me how to read music?” He asked before his brain could say otherwise. 

Yachi’s eyebrows went straight up. “Eh? Me?”

“Yeah! Kageyama is making me practice a lot but I get super confused when reading sheet music. I appreciate any help I can get.”

She finally gave him a warm smile. “I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be but… I can try my best!”

The second cog. 

\---

Tadashi never realized how much he loved being in a studio until it had been taken away from him. 

It wasn’t like he was restricted from practicing the drums on his own; in fact, after their band broke up Tsukki made it extremely clear he didn’t care if Tadashi continued to play for other bands. But after a few attempts at being support, he quickly lost that innate drive to play in the first place. 

So he followed Tsukki to orchestra where his drumset was replaced by timpanis and his love for music had been replaced with hate. It was a gradual and arduous process. Losing his musicality was like losing a limb. Tadashi knew there was a part of him missing but he feared losing the one thing he cared about even more than music: Tsukki. 

The gnawing guilt in his stomach told him  _ leave before Tsukki finds out what you’re doing. _ Tadashi valued honestly but somehow he was able to bluntly tell Tsukki that his mom was home (she wasn’t) and that they were going to a nice dinner (like Tadashi ever ate dinner with anyone) and that he wasn’t thinking about what that one kid in his class said (even though it was on his mind  _ constantly _ ). 

Tsukki went so far as to warn Tadashi from interacting with that kid any more. Frankly, before high school he’d never even seen the guy. Sure they were in the same class together but he seemed like he didn’t have many friends. And Tadashi would have known for sure if him and Tsukki had ever interacted between classes before. 

Regardless, the thought of possibly starting up a band again spurred him to the closest studio with an available drumset. Despite the months since his last practice, it all came flooding back to him the moment his stick hit the drum head. He picked up a steady beat, keeping time with his foot against the bass.

Playing on a drumset was like regaining freedom. While Tadashi knew he needed to ease himself back into the feel of it with technique drills and coordination exercises, he gave it all up just to regain that rhythm. That wave of force that rippled through his body with every hit, the syncing of his heartbeat with the beat of the song, the dulcet pulse that echoed through the small space. Even the blisters forming on his hands couldn't begin to disturb the pure elation he received when he could play freely. 

A smile snuck it’s way onto his lips. His hair began to stick to his forehead and his breaths became quicker as he picked up the pace. Each and every  _ dut _ brought a new sense of belonging. He was drunk with euphoria. 

He picked his gaze up from his hands, almost expecting Tsukki to be standing before him. But the studio was empty and a quick flash of dark blue eyes from outside the door caught his attention. 

Tadashi’s rhythm came to a halting stop. The eyes had disappeared. 

He immediately ran and flung open the door to find a dark figure hustling down the hallway. 

“Hey!” Tadashi called, waving his drumsticks. “What are you doing?”

The guy turned, meeting Tadashi’s firm gaze. He wish he knew his name but Tadashi only knew him as _ that guy _ from his class. There was a guitar case slung around one shoulder and if not for the school uniform, he may not have even recognized him. Nonetheless, he was standing outside of Yamaguchi’s studio with an ominous scowl plastered to his face. 

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” he grumbled. “Just forget that you saw me.”   
  
Tadashi took a cautionary step forward. “No, no, it’s fine. Did you want to come in?”   
  
That only deepened the guy’s scowl. He gave Tadashi a subtle nod though and followed him back in the studio. 

“I feel bad,” Tadashi said, settling behind the drumset. “I don’t even know your name but this is the second time I’ve talked to you.”   
  
“Kageyama Tobio,” he stated flatly.

“Well Kageyama-kun, I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi. It’s nice to meet you.”

“Just Kageyama is fine.” He took off his guitar. “You play well.”

Tadashi snorted. He knew for a fact his first time playing in months sounding anything but good; yet Kageyama didn’t seem like the type of person to give out pointless compliments. 

“It’s really nothing…”

Kageyama was intense. That was the easiest way to describe him, Tadashi decided. From how he carried his head high and looked down on Tadashi to the brevity of his words and saying what was only necessary. It reminded him of how a king would act in a strange way. 

Tadashi didn’t know where he summoned the courage, but he managed to squeak out, “Did you and Tsukki have a falling out or something?” 

Kageyama raised a single eyebrow. “...Tsukki?” 

“Tsukishima.” No reaction. “Ya know blond hair, glasses, a little bit of an asshole. The guy who pulled me away in the hallway the other day.” 

“Oh,” Kageyama deadpanned. “I didn’t know his name.”

This guy was going to kill Tadashi. 

Kageyama’s face rested into a deep pout of sorts. “I don’t know him really. I accidentally listened in when he was playing bass and—”

“You heard Tsukki play bass?”

A steady stream of silence fell between them. Tadashi clenched his drumsticks tight in his lap. He couldn’t even remember the last time he heard Tsukki play the bass. What he give would see that little smirk that appeared every time Tsukki started to get in to the song; to hear his fingers grip against the strings once more… 

He shook his head. “It doesn’t matter. Continue, sorry.”   


“That’s pretty much it,” Kageyama said. “He freaked out and then threatened me and then he left.”

_ Of course he freaked out, _ Tadashi thought to himself.  _ Showing off the fact he was actually exerting effort is his worst fear.  _

Tadashi let out a breath. “Well if you disturbed both me and Tsukki during practice, it’s only fair you play for me.”

Kageyama frowned. He turned his head, saying, “Here?”   
  
“Yeah, you can just plug in to that amp. But I mean… only if you want to.”

Kageyama fussed underneath his breath but got to work anyways. He pulled out a nice-looking guitar that had obviously been used quite well. He must have been playing for years, Tadashi concluded. Kageyama’s ease setting up and tuning only added to theory. 

And then he began to play.

Tadashi had worked with some gifted guitarists before but  _ none _ came close to Kageyama’s skill. There was a sort of perfect technicality with the way he played. His talent was the culmination of thousands of hours of practice. It wasn’t a prodigal gift or a natural musicality; it was cold, hard evidence that Kageyama had poured his heart in to learning the guitar. His fingers expertly strummed a superb tempo to create music in its purest form. 

But Tadashi couldn’t help but get the feeling something was missing. Kageyama, evidently, was insanely adept. He could probably play any song in the world and make no mistakes. With a band at his side, Kageyama could be unstoppable. Yet there was a piece lacking in the puzzle. Whatever it was, when Kageyama gained it he would truly be amongst the best guitar players in the nation. 

Kageyama let out a few more chords before ending his solo on a strong note. Tadashi couldn’t help the smile rising to his face. 

“You play well,” Tadashi chuckled.

\---

“YOU SUCK,” Tobio barked. 

Hinata dropped his hands from his guitar. “I’M TRYING MY BEST!”   


It was true. In the two weeks since Hinata began these guitar lessons he’d rapidly improved. Even with all of the harsh comments and criticism Tobio threw his way, Hinata always managed to bring 110% to every practice session.

But still, trying to teach someone guitar from scratch was a constant migraine. Tobio found himself planning what he needed to show Hinata the night before like he was a teacher or something. He even looked up the best ways to teach someone guitar, reviewing the same tutorials he’d used so long ago. 

While everything about playing guitar was second nature to Tobio, it was all so new to Hinata. He could tell he was putting in the effort outside of practice as well but it also made him question what was the point of it all in the first place. Hinata’s far-off dream could never come true if he was just learning from Tobio. 

“We should probably stop for today,” Tobio commented. 

The sun dipping at the edge of the horizon only added to his words. 

Hinata aggressively shook his head. “No, no, no! I can keep going. See, look.”

He strummed out a dynamic chord, the same one Tobio had shown him the day they’d met. While it could still use some improvement, it was powerful nonetheless. Hinata just had this innate talent for music that was beginning to blossom. If Tobio blinked he might miss Hinata becoming a beautiful flower. 

“Fine, but we should at least take a break,” Tobio replied. He relaxed against the side of the staircase, opposite from Hinata who let his legs dangle down the steps. “Who is this vocalist from Little Giant anyways?”

“Absolutely no idea,” Hinata smiled. “He’s maybe like five years older than us with this dark hair and serious complexion when playing. It’s so mesmerizing to watch.”   
  
“So… other than Little Giant, what kind of music do you like?”   
  
Hinata shrugged. “I don’t listen to much music.”   
  
Once, Tobio had unhappily accepted a request to play volleyball from some upperclassmen on their school’s team. During the practice match one of the guys, an idiot named Tanaka, served a ball straight into the back of Tobio’s head. Pain rippled from his nape to his crown and enveloped all around, sending shockwaves through his body.

That same pained accompanied Tobio now. 

“You WHAT?” Tobio snarled. He raised his arms to thoroughly throttle Hinata when he cut him off.

“But there is this song that plays in my head sometimes.”

Tobio dropped against the staircase again. “What’s it called?”

“Dunno. But… it sounds something like this.”

Hinata began to sing. But sing wasn’t exactly the right word to describe it. He released euphony using only his voice. It was harmonious and melodious and resonant and everything Tobio wanted to hear. His heart lifted at just the first sound.

The tune was simple yet elegant. Just a handful of  _ la la la’s _ that otherwise would have been rudimentary. And yet Hinata made it sound like the most composed song in existence. His vocals resounded through the staircase and echoed back in unity. 

With the sunset dripping in the windows like strokes of a paintbrush, Hinata was coated in hues of pink and red. Against his orange hair, he had become part of a painting with his voice as the finishing lacquer. He was a beautiful meadow, a picturesque moment of Spring, a sun so bright it pained Tobio to look at him. 

But he couldn’t bare to rip his eyes away. Hinata was so calm and relaxed, singing as if his voice required absolutely no effort to produce. There was even a small smile hinged at the edges of his lips. 

Hinata sang one last note and opened his eyes. 

“Kageyama, are you crying?” He snorted. 

Sure enough, a single tear had dripped its way to his chin. He wiped it away before Hinata could comment on it again. 

Tobio ripped off his guitar and slid closer to Hinata. On his knees, he towered over Hinata as Tobio placed his arms firmly onto his shoulders and stared deeply into those big brown eyes. 

“We have to get you in a band.”   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sesson three: Hate to Say I Told You So


	3. I Hate to Say I Told You So

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey hey hey!
> 
> I just wanted to say thank youuuuu and that my goal right now is to have biweekly updates! ive been sticking to my schedule so far so we'll see how long I can last lol
> 
> anyways thanks and enjoy!!!! :)

“Eh? But I thought you said—”

“I know what I said!” Tobio screamed back. He tightened his grip on Hinata’s shoulder and pressed their faces even closer together to the point where their noses nearly brushed. “But we have to get you in a band. Your voice… it has to be heard.”  
  
Hinata’s eyes flashed away. “I want to play guitar though.”

“You can do both, dumbass.”   
  
Tobio released Hinata and sank down onto the ground. He was drained. Hinata already stole so much of his designated nap time that any extra exertion felt deadly. He could curl up right now and fall asleep (it was his favorite spot to nap after all) but there was too much to think about.

He slid his guitar back in to the case. 

Hinata pouted. He took off his own guitar and gently laid it back in its case. “How do you even start a band?”  
  
“It sort of happens when you know people who play different instruments,” Tobio explained, annoyance creeping in his voice. “Since we’re both guitar players we just need a bass and a drummer really.”   
  
“Have anyone in mind?”   
  
Shit. 

Tobio wanted to curse the universe or kick something or let out a big, hearty scream. Of _course_ he would happen to meet two extremely talented musicians that perfectly fit the description of what they needed. And of course they would want nothing to do with Tobio since his middle school drama still hung around him like a putrid stench.

Tobio let out a breath. “There’s two first years at our school that I have in mind. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. They play the bass and drums, respectively, but I highly doubt either of them would want to join our band.”  
  
“What, why not?” Hinata asked, raising an eyebrow. “You just said: ‘Your voice has to be heard.’” He did his best impression of Tobio going so far as to push his hair down to mimic his style.   
  
“You’re not the problem, it’s me.”   
  
Tobio wished he knew how to shut his mouth. He avoided Hinata’s inquisitive gaze and instead stood up abruptly. He wasn’t going to have this conversation with Hinata right now. Or ever, honestly. The more Tobio could forget about it, the easier it would be to move on and find potential bandmates. It was obvious those two wouldn’t be even an option. 

“We can get supporters right now until we find some members,” Tobio decided. It wasn’t like Hinata knew anything about this world so at the moment Tobio was their best bet. 

Hinata cocked his head. “Supporters?”

“Temporary players.” Tobio grabbed his guitar case and slung it over one shoulder. He began to descend the staircase, each step slow and deliberate. 

“I think we should still try,” Hinata called once Tobio reached the bottom landing. He turned to see those brown eyes firm and unwavering; a sort of seriousness Tobio didn’t know Hinata could even have. 

Hinata stood. “I’m not giving up yet.”

\---

Shouyou slumped onto his desk, letting his face fall flat. “Stupid Bakayama,” he growled but it came out more as a whine. 

“Who?” Yachi asked, taking a bite of her sandwich.

“Stupid, dumbass, idiot Kageyama.”  
  
Yachi nodded. She gave a tentative, “Right,” more as a consolation than an actual agreement.   
  
“I mean,” Shouyou began, sitting up in his seat, “he tells me I have the voice of an angel and that millions need to hear how heavenly I sound but he won’t even talk to potential band members because he’s scared!”   
  
Yachi raised an eyebrow. “Did Kageyama actually say all of that?” 

“Of course he did.” 

Or at least, Shouyou heard it that way. He couldn’t ignore the way Kageyama stared at him after singing. His big eyes and trembling hands. It was like he had stared straight into Shouyou’s soul and knew all of his secrets. 

Shouyou snorted. _If only it was that easy._ If a simple hum could express all of his pent-up emotions and memories, Shouyou would never stop singing. The issue lied in the fact that he never had the right words to conjure up what was inside. He had so much to say but no way to tell it. 

“I just want to sing,” Shouyou admitted. “But apparently him and Yamaguchi and Tsukishima have some issues or something.”  
  
Yachi set down her sandwich. “Wait, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima in Classes 3 and 4?”   
  
“I don’t know,” Shouyou shrugged. “What I do know is that they play drums and bass and would be perfect for our band if Kageyama wasn’t such an idiot. He won’t even tell me _why_ they _possibly_ don’t want to join.”

Shouyou might have been putting too much faith into these guys, whoever they were, but it was the only thing he had going for him. They could be the next cogs in place. They could be the next step to playing live.   
  
“They’re in orchestra with me,” Yachi said hopefully. She gave him a nervous smile. “I don’t know them that well but Yamaguchi is super nice so maybe he’d hear you out. Tsukishima is more… difficult. He’s kind of hard to read and doesn’t talk to anyone except Yamaguchi. Although a bunch of girls seem to have crushes on him… maybe it’s because he’s tall I’m not sure though. Anyway, maybe all you need to do is convince Yamaguchi. I sort of think he hates orchestra anyways. He might want to join your band and he could help convince Tsukishima.”   
  
It took Shouyou a while to get used to Yachi’s endless rambles. She was high-strung and nervous about 90% of the time but every once in a while she could talk some real sense in her monologues. 

“Yachi, you’re a genius!” Shouyou praised. 

Pink rose to her ears. “W-what?”  
  
“If we can get everyone in one room, I can sing and then they’ll want to join us!” Shouyou explained happily. He wasn’t one for planning but something was forming in his mind that could make everything work. He only needed a little cooperation and a little time. 

Shouyou, honestly, didn’t know if he sang well. He’d been singing his entire life. He sang with his mother while he learned to cook from her, he sang his sister to sleep when she was being particularly difficult, he sang to… 

Shouyou was always singing. But Kageyama was really the first one to say that he could actually do something with his voice. It was like he had unlocked a power that he had all along. If Kageyama was right, that meant that even Tsukishima and Yamaguchi could be moved by his voice. 

At least, it was worth a try. 

\---

Kei should have realized it was a ploy.

First off, orchestra rarely had additional meetings. Karasuno wasn’t exactly known for their orchestra program so the kids involved put in very little effort to the club outside of allotted practice time (it was one of Kei’s favorite things about being in orchestra). 

Secondly, the news came from Yamaguchi who heard it from Yachi. He would probably follow anything that girl said considering he had a small crush on her. While Yamaguchi would never straight-out admit it, Kei had recognized the emotions long ago. Yamaguchi was extremely obvious with his infatuations; he adored things that were small, cute, and sweet. Yachi was just the latest victim. 

Lastly, the meeting was supposed to occur during lunch. Club gatherings were strictly held after school with the occasional morning rehearsal come recital time. This fact alone should have been enough of a red flag to convince Kei not to go. 

But he foolishly followed Yamaguchi to the orchestra room only to be locked in the moment they stepped foot inside. They turned at the sound of the clicking lock; Kageyama blocked the door, eyebrows furrowed and gaze stern. 

“K-Kageyama?” Yamaguchi asked. “What are you doing?” 

Kei wasn’t so polite. “Move, King.”

“No,” Kageyama said firmly. 

Kei took a step towards him. While he wasn’t particularly fond of using his height against others, Kei was silently thankful for the extra centimeters he had on Kageyama. It gave him the menacing aura he needed to escape. 

“I thought I made it pretty clear we want nothing to do with you,” Kei snapped back. 

Kageyama let out a breath. “This isn’t about me.” He pointed across the room and Kei followed his eyeline to a small first-year with bright orange hair and a huge smile. Yachi was there too, muttering quick apologies and bowing repeatedly. “It’s about him.” 

Oh? Who knew the egotistical dictator could acknowledge someone as an equal? The guy didn’t appear impressive in the slightest and yet he had earned the King’s respect?

“My name is Hinata Shouyou,” the shrimp beamed. “And I may not play guitar very well—”  
  
“Or at all,” Kageyama added. 

“Kageyama, I thought we _wanted_ these guys to join our band. You’re not exactly helping.” Kageyama made a face but Hinata continued. “I can sing. I know I can. All you have to do is listen.”   
  
“I may not know a lot about the world of bands,” Yachi squeaked out, “and I sort of got you here on false premises but please just hear Hinata-kun out.”   
  
Kei didn’t really see if he had an option. He surely wasn’t about to make a scene and storm out of the room even if that was what he wanted to. He looked at Yamaguchi with a raised brow to gauge his expression. 

Unfortunately, it was one of excitement. Yamaguchi gave him a nod that seemed to say _we can just listen, right?_ Kei knew this was the beginning of a downward spiral.

Kei sighed. “Fine.”

Hinata gave them a devilish smile and began to sing. Kei so desperately wanted to hate his voice; it would have made the entire situation much simpler. He could tell Kageyama he wasn’t convinced and that there was no need to join a band with a voice that bad. It would have ended right there. 

But Kei couldn’t deny the power that Hinata’s voice had. It started soft and mellow but gradually grew into this irrefutable force that sent chills down Kei’s spine. It was obvious he was a novice; his notes ended shakily and his breath control could certainly be improved. And yet the raw talent alone was enough to dig deep into Kei’s chest despite his internal protests. 

He couldn’t help but notice Yachi’s face warp at the sound of his voice as well. Her anxiety had been calmed in to yearning; a tear escaped from her eye. 

And then there was Yamaguchi. His upturned brows and soft smile were signs that he had hope. In what exactly, Kei didn’t know. Evidently, Hinata’s voice was resonating with him as well. His damned voice would probably be the reason he would lose Yamaguchi. 

What was even the point of stirring hope? Even if they somehow formed a band and even if they melded well together and even if they played live, what would be the result? So few actually made an impact with their music. Only the luckiest, most talented could receive notoriety with their work. Kei was certain he wouldn’t be one of them. 

Still, there was that tiny, easily ignorable, nagging feeling that with a voice like Hinata’s, skills like Kageyama’s and a drive like Yamaguchi’s that the four of them could do something. 

_It would be just a band_ , Kei convinced himself. _It’s pointless._

Hinata gave out one last powerful note before a calm silence settled in the orchestra room. Yachi began to wipe away a few of her tears while Kageyama came to stand next to Hinata. 

“Do you see what I’m talking about?” Kageyama asked. “It might be hard for me to admit, but… the two of you are talented.”  
  
“Insults aren’t particularly convincing,” Kei remarked. 

Kageyama brushed it off and continued. “I think that together the four of us could make a successful band. With the right song choice and training, it could work.”

The unfortunate thing was that Kei agreed. He pushed the thought aside because realistically it would never work. Kei knew too well what Kageyama was capable of and too little of who Hinata actually was. Maybe he was as bad as Kageyama.

“We’ll do it,” Yamaguchi decided. Kei shot him a composed look of panic because suddenly the fearful best friend he understood like the back of his hand appeared as an absolute stanger. Yamaguchi wasn’t certain in himself often; it came in small waves that Kei feared could be the downfall of their friendship. But when he was firm, Yamaguchi was unrelenting. He got this sort of confident aura that lasted just long enough to convince people he wasn’t as cowardly as he first appeared. He exuded that same feeling now which could only mean trouble for Kei. 

_It’s just a band._

Kei pressed his lips together. “You get one practice session.” Hinata lit up like a Christmas tree while Kageyama matched his excitement in a more subtle manner. Even Yamaguchi seemed to perk up at his words. “But I swear if you try to pull anything funny—”

He was cut off by Hinata’s abundance of joy and Kageyama’s shouts to calm down. Kei had the deep, sick feeling that this wouldn’t be the last day he had to deal with this energy. 

\---

Tadashi couldn’t wipe the toothy grin from his face. And he tried. Multiple times. But it crept back bigger than before each and every time because there was no other possible way he could express the pure happiness that was radiating throughout his entire body. In fact, it was so powerful he feared he would randomly combust if he didn’t continuously smile. 

It all seemed too coincidental. A few weeks ago, he was struggling to stay awake in orchestra rehearsals and silently hoping that he could go back to being in a band. Then Kageyama stumbled into his life and brought along an insanely talented vocalist with the ability to get even Tsukki to a studio. The universe had a funny way of playing tricks on Tadashi before but now it appeared everything was falling in to place. 

Tadashi silently reminded himself to thank Kageyama later. Honestly, seeing Tsukki with a bass strapped around his neck was enough to give Tadashi energy for the rest of the year. He felt like he could endure endless orchestra rehearsals just from that little smirk that appeared on Tsukki’s face. It was priceless. 

But he also wanted to thank Kageyama for allowing them to all come together. Even if Hinata was a novel guitar player, he still played impressively for a beginner. Kageyama didn’t go easy on him; he’d stop after every little combo they played to yell some criticism that Hinata easily took to heart. 

At one point, Tsukki tried to get under his nerves by slyly asking, “How long have you been playing anyways?”  
  
Hinata just pouted and asked back, “What day is it?”   
  
Tadashi didn’t even attempt to hide his snort while Tsukki gave him a flat expression of dissatisfaction. The four of them had this playful dynamic that just seemed so _easy._ Like they’d known each other for years despite the fact this was the first time they’d actually all been together. Tsukki, of course, Tadashi was comfortable around but even Hinata who he had literally met that day seemed sociable and open. Kageyama was a little reserved but Tadashi could even see him mesh well into this newly woven friendship. 

It showed up in their music too. Within a few bars they were playing like a well-rehearsed unit. Whether it was beginner’s luck or something more, Tadashi couldn’t tell; all he actually knew was that they played… well they played like a real band. 

Drumming out alone was one thing. Having three other members there to add on to the music and expand upon it in a vitalizing way was another. An experience Tadashi truly and genuinely wished he could come back to. 

He could tell Tsukki felt the same way. While he gave out critiques with what seemed like every breath, there was still that reassuring manner in which he played that revealed all of his true intentions. Tsukki didn’t play like this for anyone; he was masking his true feelings but Tadashi could still tell he was enjoying it all the same. 

By the end of their studio time, a sense of anticipation hung thick in the air.

“So…?” Hinata questioned while putting away his guitar. “Do we have a band?”  
  
Tadashi eyed Tsukki. “I’m in.”   
  
Kageyama and Hinata’s eyes fell on Tsukki as well. He let out a heavy breath. “A temporary yes.” They began to celebrate but Tsukki didn’t stop. “On the condition that we are free to leave at any time. Consider this a favor.”   
  
“Alright!” Hinata cheered. “Say, let’s go get some food and celebrate!”   
  
Kageyama began to pack up his things as well. “Not if I get there first.”   
  
They raced to clean up as quickly as possible. Where all that energy came from Tadashi seriously didn’t know. Regardless, they were out of the studio in mere minutes and facing the cool breeze of late April 

The last of the cherry blossoms twirled in the wind. While the true beauty of the sakura trees might have passed, Tadashi could tell something was still blooming. Spring was here. 

He fell in line with Tsukki. They were a few steps behind Hinata and Kageyama which gave them a great view of their shenanigans. Alone, they had a dynamic chemistry that was difficult to ignore. 

“I guess we’re in a band again,” Tadashi breathed. 

Tsukki readjusted the straps of his case. “I guess.”  
  
“Although it feels a lot different. I feel like… it can actually work.”   
  
“Mmm.”   
  
Despite the fact they were in the city and pollution should have smoldered their view of the sky, Tadashi could make out the constellations hanging above his head. He went through a nerdy sort of galaxy phase long ago and the names were still ingrained in his mind. He could rattle off stories about the stars and what they all meant but his favorite by far was of Tanabata and Kengyu. 

A goddess of the sky fell in love with a mere mortal man. Tanabata promised her love Kengyu that they could live eternally in her kingdom. However, when her father learned of what she promised, he granted her wish in a seemingly cruel manner. Tanabata and Kengyu were turned in to stars separated by the Milky Way. But one night each year, the 7th day of the 7th month, they could reunite and bask in each other’s presences. 

While others saw the tale as tragic, Tadashi admired the eternal love between the two. Sure it was sappy but he didn’t care. Seeing those stars shine brightly as they always did gave him the hope that one day he could be part of an epic romance like that. 

Tsukki yawned beside him. “Those two wear me out,” he grumbled, eyes locked on Hinata and Kageyama. “I knew His Highness was demanding but I never figured how bad it could be. I hate the fact he plays so well.”  
  
“I’ve heard Kageyama play before, though,” Tadashi said. Tsukki raised a brow. “I mean… like barely though. Anyways he played a lot different today.”   
  
“How so?”   
  
“It’s like… well it’s sort of like he found that missing puzzle piece.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session four: Blue Monday


	4. Blue Monday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello there!! new chapter whoo!!
> 
> im lowkey surprised that im actually sticking to this schedule but what can I say im dying to get these chapters out lol
> 
> anyways thanks again for reading and enjoy!!!

“Cheers!” Shouyou shouted, holding out his glass. He got a round of cheers back from his bandmates, each at a different level of excitement (none quite as loud as Shouyou though). 

The cogs were all in place. He was finally in a band. 

It seemed unreal in the best sort of way. Like after years of anticipation and waiting he was finally on the right path with the right people. If he could just keep it up and say the right thing then there would be nothing to worry about… right?

Shouyou shook his head a little bit and focused on what was right in front of him. Kageyama. And Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. _We’re having fun_ , Shouyou said to himself. _We’re getting to know each other and nothing is going wrong._

Luckily the waitress arrived at the right moment with meat to grill and rice to snack on. His hunger had the unique ability to truly draw him out of his negative thoughts so he genuinely appreciated the meal. The godly smell alone managed to plaster a smile onto his face. 

“We should probably pick out a band name,” Kageyama commented, poking at the grill. 

“What’s the point of choosing a name now?” Tsukishima questioned. “It’s not like we’re about to play shows or need one, really.”

Hinata snatched up a piece of beef. “I think it’s cool!” He mumbled through his chewing. Tsukishima gave him a face of disgust. “I mean doesn’t a good band name kind of tell you if the band is good? Like Little Giant! You know they’re good because they’re the underdogs!”

Yamaguchi paused mid-motion. His gaze flicked over to Tsukishima who was staring out the window and towards the crowded streets below. “Little Giant?” Yamaguchi asked in a small voice. 

“Hinata’s favorite band,” Kageyama explained. “I’ve looked up some of their stuff and it’s not too bad but it seems like they haven’t played in years.”

A wave of visible anxiety passed over Yamaguchi. He continued distributing the cooked meat between everyone despite the growing fear evident in his eyes. “Anyways… what do we think our name should be?” 

“Something super cool,” Shouyou decided. “Like we could be Thunderous Lightning or like Lightning Explosion?”

“That’s too much lightning, dumbass,” Kageyama grumbled. 

Shouyou let out a giggle. “Or what if we all just combined our names! We could be Sho-To-Kei-Ta!” 

“I hate that,” Tsukishima deadpanned. 

Yamaguchi sat up a little bit. “It’s not that bad of an idea—”

“You seriously think Sho-To-Kei-Ta is a good name?” 

“No, no, that’s awful,” Yamaguchi said, waving his hand. “But maybe you could combine our last names. Like take sun from Hinata, moon from Tsukki, and mountain from Kageyama and I. Sun Moon Mountain… or something like that.”

Shouyou’s eyes went big with overflowing energy. Beside him, Kageyama groaned. “I guess we can use that for now. I’m just not sure what it says about us and our music.”

“What music?” Tsukishima scoffed. “We haven’t exactly decided on what we want to play or what exactly we want to do.” He pushed aside the pile of meat Yamaguchi had been stacking on his plate. Shouyou stole a piece but he didn’t seem to care. 

“Well what kind of music do you even like, Stingyshima?” Kageyama retorted. 

“Everything.” Tsukishima said it like _isn’t that obvious?_ Yamaguchi nodded beside him like he knew what was coming. “Classical, Traditional, J-Pop, American, Latinx, Alternative, Indie, Jazz, Classic Rock, EDM, Country, Instrumental. _Everything_.”

Considering Tsukishima always wore headphones, even now there was a pair hung around his neck, Shouyou didn’t want to argue. Kageyama might have been the perfect person to teach him guitar and Yachi could tell him all about the logistics of music theory but Shouyou suspected Tsukishima was the one he needed to go when it concerned the culture of music. Sure the guy was snarky and a pain in the ass, but he couldn’t deny that Tsukishima had this insanely deep knowledge. 

“But please,” Tsukishima continued, “enlighten us with your preferences, King.”

“Stop it with that stupid name,” Kageyama snarled. Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Rock. I listen to Rock, okay? I like British Alternative Rock mainly but that’s not all I know about.”

“Figures.”

Kageyama was about to get out of his seat when Shouyou stole a piece of meat off his plate. He swatted his hand away and shot Tsukishima a look that said _I’ll deal with you later._

“Well if it’s any consolation Kageyama I think I listen to J-Pop mostly,” Yamaguchi admitted. “But I guess I listen to anything with good drums, really.” He turned his eyes towards Shouyou who was mid-bite. “What do you listen to?”

“Oh nothing.”

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi shot him the same depressed look that Kageyama had given him when he first talked about his lack of music knowledge. It wasn’t like Shouyou never listened to music, he just listened to whatever was around him. The classical station his mother always played, the cartoon theme songs his sister loved, the hardcore rock he’d listen through one earbud on train rides home. Music was around him but it never made a difference until now. 

“There’s one other matter we need to discuss,” Kageyama stated with a grave face. 

Tsukishima clicked his tong. “ _That_ matter.”

“I don’t even want to think about _that,_ ” Yamaguchi sighed. 

Shouyou stared at them with panic beginning to spread through his chest. “ _…That?_ "

“Money,” his three bandmates responded in a surprisingly put-together unison. They shot each other a look but it was obvious they had the same disdain towards the topic. 

“What do you need money for?” Shouyou asked genuinely. 

“You think guitar strings grow on trees, dumbass?” Kageyama shot back. “Studios aren’t free to practice in, ya know. Every aspect of being in a band requires someone to pay for it and I’m done paying your part.”

Tsukishima took a small bite of pork. “How else do you suppose you fund your gluttony?”

Shouyou pouted. “Does this mean I have to get a job?”

\---

Tadashi, theoretically, knew that he had to put in the work in order to play freely. It took time, and patience, and repetition in order to get to the point where he could play any beat he desired. Endless drills and technique blocks allowed him to gain the skill necessary to play how he wanted. 

But that hard-working internal drive seemed to vanquish when he thought about actually working to pay for the ability to play. 

Hinata was the first one who found a job. He chose to apply to a local music hall where they held frequent live shows. Kageyama was actually the one to suggest it, claiming that if Hinata wouldn’t get far at all if his knowledge of music remained so small. Greater exposure to music of all kinds would be best so Hinata always came to school with a new favorite band to gush about and an increasing appreciation for all kinds of music. 

Kageyama, on the other hand, ended up becoming a server. It was sort of funny to think about him willingly serving others (the complete opposite of what a King should do, Tsukki remarked when he found out), but nevertheless he apparently made great tips and got stellar reviews. Tadashi had the creeping suspicion the rave was from strictly female customers though. Regardless, he came in with a pile of cash that went straight to helping pay for studio fees and for more milk than a human should consume. 

Tsukki found work at one of those overpriced coffee shops on the nicer part of town. Him and Tadashi had visited the place a couple times before but it was a little chichi for Tadashi’s tastes. But Tsukki fell in love with their strawberry shortcake so it really shouldn’t have been a surprise when he applied to work there. Every time Tsukki showed up to lunch with a leftover piece of cake, a little bit of blush seemed to collect on his cheeks. A couple times he even brought a slice of vanilla cake back for Tadashi claiming that it just happened to be extra; he wasn’t a huge sweets person but he loved vanilla cake and loved even more that Tsukki went out of his way to bring it for him despite his nonchalant assertions. 

Tadashi ended up getting hired at a small grocery store close to his house. The owner, a young guy named Shimada, hired him on the spot once Tadashi had said he was in a band. 

“You know I was in a band in high school,” Shimada insisted during the interview, “I was the star drummer.”

“Right,” Tadashi responded, trying his best not to seem too nervous. 

“No, seriously! I still play a little, too. Me and a couple other guys jam out when we have time. Hah, maybe we’ll even start up again if everything turns out right!”

Tadashi gave him a small smile. “I play the drums, too.”

“No way!” Shimada let out a hearty laugh. “Well, you got yourself a job and a mentor. Let me know if you ever need a little guidance. A lot of people see the drums as being supportive so that the strings can shine but in actuality we give the steady beat needed for the song to work. Without the drums, there isn’t consistency or tempo.”

Tadashi could only nod even if he didn’t agree wholeheartedly. In the most popular bands, the lead guitarist and the lead vocalist were the popular ones. And while Tadashi didn’t necessarily care about being popular, he cared about being worthy. It was obvious that Kageyama had unmatched talent and Hinata’s voice, with the right song, could seriously make an impact. 

Tadashi… he didn’t have that incredible, natural skill. Hell, his ability to play he wouldn’t even consider as skillful. There were so many other drummers who could easily take his spot and the band might have been better off for it. 

Yet there was this hopeless urge that said _you need to play._

Tadashi didn’t know how much longer that would keep him going. 

\---

Hitoka liked all of the members of Sun Moon Mountain. 

In the couple of weeks since they formed, she’d gotten to know the band fairly well. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were gradually attending less and less orchestra practices but they still said hello to her in the hallways (or rather Yamaguchi did and Tsukishima ended up giving her a disinterested look that she figured was the nicest he could get). She ate lunch with Hinata pretty regularly and on some days they were joined by Kageyama. 

Even so, she wasn’t exactly close with Kageyama. He was a quiet guy but could turn on a whim to yell out some profanity against Hinata. Their arguments nearly gave Hitoka a heart attack each time they occurred. 

But there was still this lingering sense that the two of them got together quite well. Hinata was always bubbly and happy but around Kageyama he was just… more so. Kageyama even curled his lips in to a hellish grin every once in a while when Hinata was around. 

That just meant that when Kageyama was alone he seemed even more frightening. He was tall and dark and moody and had a scowl constantly without Hinata around. So when he walked in to Hitoka’s classroom of course her classmates would start to waver in fear around her. 

“Yachi-san,” Kageyama stated, his eyes stern but his voice trembling ever-so-slightly. 

God, what was he going to do? Kill her? She was so young why did her life have to be taken away by a high school boy of all things? If Kageyama killed her, was Hinata next? Or maybe it would be Tsukishima since they always seemed to be arguing. Oh god, why couldn’t he just kill Tsukishima? Hitoka had so much to live for she couldn’t just die now. 

“...Can you help me with my English homework?”

Hitoka got pulled back to Earth, her soul returning to her body. Blush was creeping along Kageyama’s ears and cheeks and he refused to actually look her in the eye. He just held out his homework with a shaky hand. 

“Huh?” Hitoka questioned. “Me?”

“Hinata said you’re good at school,” Kageyama responded. 

“W-Why not like one of your bandmates? I thought bands were supposed to be like supportive groups that go through hard times together but come out better on the other side and hang out all the time and do homework together and stuff like that.”

Kageyama finally met her gaze and raised an eyebrow. “I’m not sure what kind of band you were thinking about but we’re not like that at all. I would rather die than go to Tsukishima for help. Yamaguchi sucks at English and Hinata is just as stupid as I am. So can you help or not?”

Hitoka nodded a little and motioned for him to take a seat across from her desk. She began to look over the worksheet and noticed all of the places he made mistakes. Kageyama was a pretty stubborn guy so him reaching out must have been a hard thing to do. She would certainly give her best effort even if she wasn’t exactly the perfect person for the job. 

She began to show him some tips when it came to writing in English and guided his work. He was almost there really, he just needed a little extra help when it came down to it. Although his poor English skills just made Hitoka wonder whether or not Hinata needed help with it as well. Him and Kageyama seemed to be together a lot… 

“I-It’s nice that you and Hinata-kun get along well,” Hitoka commented, trying to gauge Kageyama’s expression. 

He simply shrugged. “I guess so.”

“He looks happy around you.” It worked the other way too but she wasn’t about to tell Kageyama that; even if he didn’t kill her initially, it was still a big possibility. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Hitoka began to wave her arms. “Nothing, nothing! I mean Hinata’s always happy and nice and everything or at least he has been recently. Ever since we became friends or I guess maybe since high school? I’m not sure since we weren’t friends in middle school it’s just that…”

She sucked in a breath. She’d said too much. 

Kageyama’s brows turned downwards. “It’s just that what.”

“I really shouldn’t talk about it.”

“You already brought it up. Tell me.”

Hitoka gulped. “Well… I knew who Hinata-kun was in middle school, but I never really got the chance to talk to him. He was friends with a lot of upperclassmen. They must have been childhood friends or something because they all seemed pretty close. One of them in particular though… I don’t even know his name but it seemed like him and Hinata-kun had this super close relationship. I’m not sure what happened but… he died. Last winter.”

Something came over Kageyama. A feeling Hitoka couldn’t name or place but seemed dangerous nonetheless. It was pain. 

She wished she could keep her mouth shut. 

\---

From the moment Kei walked in the studio, he knew the rehearsal was bound to be unproductive. 

They were missing Hinata, first off. He got called in to work last minute and ditched the rehearsal in an effort to not lose his job. They should have just stopped then but honestly Hinata couldn’t keep up with the rest of them anyways yet. While his improvement was gradual, he was still leagues behind the rest of the band. 

But when Kei saw Kageyama he instantly knew something was off. He was antsier than usual with an increased bite to his words and a lack of eloquence in his playing. He didn’t even sound like the same guitarist from their first session. The notes were muddled and sloppily strung together with a wavering sense of rhythm. It was horrible. 

Luckily, they only paid for a short session and in no time left before Kageyama’s condition could get even worse. It was surprisingly cool for May; an unexpected chill settling in Kei’s bones when he walked out of the studio. 

Yamaguchi, a step behind him, groaned. “Could you wait a minute, Tsukki? I left my notebook in the studio.”

Kei didn’t respond. His eyes just traced Yamaguchi as he dashed inside while Kageyama made his way out. He began to walk in the opposite direction from the train station. 

“I never realized His Majesty cared so much for a feeble subject,” Kei said coyly. “Your playing really sucks whenever Hinata isn’t around.”

Kageyama turned on his heel. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means your intentions are painfully obvious, King.”

Kageyama began walk back over. “I swear to fucking god if you call me that name one more time—”

Kei rolled his eyes. “What are you going to do? Kick me out of the band? You need me because there’s not another bass player in Japan that would join your band considering what you did to your last one.” 

Kageyama clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. 

“Don’t get your panties in a knot. I’m not quitting yet. All I’m saying is that I don’t appreciate relationship drama. It ruins things. Your playing, for example.”

Kageyama’s entire expression changed. “…Relationship drama?”

Kei had realized that Kageyama was dense when it came to other’s emotions but how could he be so stupid with his own? “Just don’t do anything too stupid. We may have just formed this band but I’ll gladly leave if you keep playing how you did today.”

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi called from the main doors. Kageyama may have wanted to respond but it must have gotten lost in the wind. 

\---

Tobio was a complete and utter mess. 

He knew his playing wasn’t the best during rehearsal but he would never admit that to Tsukishima. It didn’t exactly help that he felt the desire to call him out like that. 

Relationship drama… what could that even mean?

Truthfully, Tobio’s head had felt cloudy ever since Yachi told him about Hinata’s dead friend. He couldn’t get the image out of his mind. He didn’t even know the guy and yet something about it irked him. Was he the reason Hinata had this lurking sense of sadness? Why he so desperately clutched that broken guitar the first time they met?

Hinata was taking up too much of Tobio’s headspace. It’d been a creeping thought that suddenly got out of hand. Yachi’s words were just the cherry on top. Tobio didn’t want to be constantly thinking about his bandmate and yet he couldn’t stop. 

He didn’t even realize at first that he was walking towards Hinata’s work. Again, his mind was so full of thoughts about him that Tobio’s legs managed to do the work and take him directly to the front doors of the performance hall. 

Tobio had performed there a handful of times back in middle school. The shows were small but the stage was nice and could hold a decent sized audience. The owner was a young guy named Ukai with dyed hair and a sharp tongue. Tobio was just glad Hinata decided to find work here rather than at that stage uptown. 

A couple people milled outside the hall, bundled up for the surprisingly cold May weather. They all seemed young and happy— big smiles and loud laughs. They seemed free. 

A certain orange-haired shorty with a guitar strapped on his back pushed his way through the crowd. “Kageyama, what are you doing here?”

Shit. He honestly didn’t have an excuse. 

“Aw, did you come all this way just to walk me home?” Hinata cooed. 

Yes. 

“No, dumbass,” Tobio growled. 

Hinata laughed. “Even if you didn’t we should probably get going. I have a ton of English homework to get done.” 

They fell in line next to one another. 

“How did rehearsal go?” Hinata asked, stretching out his arms. “Sorry that I got called in by the way. On the bright side, I saw a couple of good performers tonight. On the down side, some girl spilled her Cranberry Vodka on me.” He sniffed his shirt and shuddered. 

“It didn't go very well,” Kageyama admitted. “Our rhythm was off.”

“It’s because I wasn’t there, huh?”

Kageyama shot him a glare. “That wasn’t it.”

“It totally was!” Hinata giggled. 

“Shouyou?”

Hinata’s big, ever-present smile faded in an instant. His eyes went big as fear seemed to encapsulate his entire face. His hands began to shake as he slowly turned around and let out an audible gasp. 

Tobio followed his line of sight. Before them were two high schoolers, although they wore different uniforms from Karasuno. Both had instruments strapped to their backs— a bass and a guitar. One was on the shorter side with long, bleached hair in desperate need of a touch-up. His eyes were inquisitive but firmly set on Hinata. The other was tall and lanky with bedhead hair that partially covered half of his face. Even so, Tobio could clearly see the look of shock settled in his eyes. 

The blond stepped forward. “Is that Atsumu’s guitar?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session five: You Know I'm No Good


	5. You Know I'm No Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1/4 of the way through woo!!!
> 
> thanks a lot and enjoyyyyy!!!!! :)

_ “Would you die for me then?” Shouyou shouted, tears threatening to spill at any second. _

_ But Atsumu wouldn’t turn around. He just stood there with clenched fists.  _

\---

Shouyou did the only thing he knew how to do exceptionally well: he ran. 

He could vaguely hear Kenma or Kuroo or maybe even Kageyama calling after him but within a few moments, their shouts of protest were drowned away by the howling wind. He was thankful for the cold—it stung against his hot face but kept him tumbling down back alleys and random streets. 

Shouyou could have run for miles. Kenma, surely, wasn’t going to put in the effort to chase after him and Kuroo likely wouldn’t go without Kenma. They were sort of a packaged deal. He might have been able to handle seeing one of them but together with that same look of guilt on their faces… it was frankly overbearing.

Of course Kenma and Kuroo would have to show up just when Shouyou had started to move on. Each day, that image began to fade bit by bit but now it was all that he could see. He was blinded with the imagery of all of that blood.  _ God  _ why was there so much blood? He needed it to go away.    
  
Shouyou couldn’t breathe. It was all flooding back to him now. The happy laughs of childhood, the hushed whispers of adolescence, the sweet invigorating taste of freedom. It had all come to a halt without notice or warning or any kind of indication. It was… gone.  _ He  _ was gone. 

The last 15 years of life had somehow been compressed into a single agonizing memory that pained him to think about but he couldn’t let go. 

“HINATA!”   
  
He was shocked back into reality. A hand grasped his wrist and pulled him backwards. The world was spinning all around and he didn’t even know where he was or what exactly he was doing. For a moment, the smallest sliver of a second, Shouyou swore he saw brown eyes.

In reality, a panicked Kageyama came into view. 

“You dumbass!” He panted. He tightened his grip on Shouyou’s wrist. “What the fuck is going on? Who were those guys? A-And who is this Atsumu guy? Did he give you that guitar?”

Shouyou couldn’t move. He was frozen, split between recurring visions of the past and the very real presence of Kageyama before him. He wanted so desperately to simply bask in this moment but those images were unrelenting. 

He didn’t have the words to say. He never did. Everything was boiling up inside of him and was threatening to spill over at any moment. He could feel himself trembling but he couldn’t do anything about it. 

Kageyama’s panic morphed into worry. “Hinata?”

“Kageyama,” Shouyou whispered, his voice scratchy. He couldn’t focus his gaze. “I… I’ve done… some  _ awful _ things.” He could barely manage to get even that out. It felt like every thought trapped in his mind would stay there. He could never actually express the throbbing feelings that pounded against his chest. He was simply a vessel; but his body was too small to contain it all. 

Kageyama, still grasping Shouyou’s wrist, pulled him in close. “Idiot, we all have! I’ve done some really shitty things in the past but you have to let it go.”   
  
_ How can I say let it go if I never got to say goodbye? _

Tears forced their way out of Shouyou’s eyes. He didn’t attempt to stop them. Any chance at speaking was completely gone as his sobs echoed through the quiet night. The heartbreaking, ear-splitting sound of sobs. 

“You don’t have to say anything or defend yourself if you don’t want to,” Kageyama affirmed. “But you have to let it out.”   
  
Shouyou sang. 

The same tune that looped constantly in his head escaped between cries. His voice couldn’t have been beautiful or put together in the slightest and yet Kageyama looked at him like he was staring at a masterpiece. 

\---

_ Shouyou hummed that same tune that was always stuck in his head. It was light and airy, the only noise he could hear over the whirring of the train. For a weekday, the car seemed pretty empty. The normal businessmen or students were strangely absent. Although Shouyou didn’t mind very much. It let him escape to his own world.  _

_ Beside him, Atsumu groaned and nestled himself in Shouyou’s shoulder. “What’re ya singin’?” He grumbled, wiping away his drowsiness.  _

_ “Not really sure,” Shouyou admitted. “I don’t know the name.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Atsumu snorted. “How do you always manage to get random songs stuck in my head?” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Shouyou let out a warm laugh. “Sorry ‘Tsumu.” _

\---

Tobio genuinely didn’t know if being ‘normal’ was an option for him anymore. 

After hearing that melody for the third time, it was permanently etched in his heart. While each time the intonation was slightly different—from breezy to convincing to heart wrenching—they still dug deep in to Tobio. It was a tune he could never forget.

Once Hinata stopped crying, Tobio walked him back to the train station. While he assured that he was fine and that nothing was wrong, the forced smile he gave Tobio revealed the truth. Those two boys had brought up some deep, dark memories Hinata wasn’t willing to face yet. He’d never even talked about those guys before. Not to mention, whoever this Atsumu was must have severely affected Hinata in ways Tobio couldn’t begin to imagine. 

Tobio’s conversation with Yachi came to mind. Could this Atsumu be that childhood friend who died? It would be logical enough to assume so. If Atsumu was dead then maybe he left his guitar to Hinata. Did that explain the way he clutched it so tightly, like he was terrified of letting it go?   
  
“Sorry for being so weird, Kageyama,” Hinata said, yanking him back to the present. The next train was pulling in. “I’ll be all better tomorrow, I promise!”   
  
Tobio pressed his lips together firmly. “It’s fine.”   
  
Hinata gave him a wave and got on the train. Tobio stood and watched until it was well down the tunnel and that little ball of orange hair disappeared from his sight. 

_ Alright _ , Tobio told himself,  _ you can’t let Hinata’s song go to waste.  _

On Tobio’s own journey home, his thoughts began to churn. He was antsy and nervous and restless with that tune running through his head. He was never great at writing songs but he had the growing feeling that this one would be different. After all, he was composing it for Hinata. 

\---

Stupidly, Kei hoped for a normal rehearsal for once. Most of their practices could be loud and annoying but generally productive. They were truly starting to come together as a band whether Kei liked it or not. 

After the last rehearsal where Hinata was absent, Kei sort of wanted, even if he could never outright admit it, a rehearsal where everything went back to normal. With Hinata present, it  _ should  _ have been like how it always was. 

It was much, much worse. 

Hinata was surprisingly quiet. He still gave big smiles and laughed at Kageyama’s mistakes but between sets there was a lingering sense that something was wrong. Kageyama, on the other hand, was more vocal than ever. He was making a decent amount of uncharacteristic mistakes himself but would shout critiques after every single riff. He didn’t stop at Hinata; no, he decided he needed to get on to Kei and Yamaguchi as well despite the fact they were performing better. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Kageyama growled after a semi-decent play. “Stop stressing the up-beat! And keep in time. Your tempo is all over the place.” His comments weren't necessarily directed at anyone but they dug deep into Kei regardless. 

“You’re one to talk,” he argued back. “Your hand placements are wrong.” 

Kageyama turned to Kei. “You don’t carry out the notes long enough.” 

Yamaguchi tentatively leaned forward in his set. “Guys… maybe we shouldn’t be fighting right now. We only have the studio a little bit longer.” 

“Maybe we’d have enough time to practice if you didn’t slow down our beat,” Kageyama shouted back. 

For whatever reason, that was the final blow. Like an arrow that found a chink in Kei’s armor. He despised getting worked up or emotional, but he could feel himself lose control of his cool composure. 

“You really put the dick in dictator, don’t you King?” Kei retorted. 

Kageyama clenched his fists. “For the  _ last time _ , I told you to stop calling me that.”   


Kei huffed out hot air. He turned his gaze towards Hinata, whose smile had been long lost. “Do you even know why they call him the King?”   
  
“Is it because Kageyama is the best guitar player in the prefecture?” Hinata guessed. 

“Ha!” Kei snorted. Kageyama was fuming. “It may sound like a compliment but it was actually given to him by his former bandmates. That’s right; they named Kageyama the King of the Studio because he is a demanding, egotistical, narcissistic asshole who can’t bother listening to the people he’s playing with.”   
  
“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi warned. He was concerned too. 

Kei couldn’t stop now. “No, he’s a self-absorbed tyrant who actively oppresses his bandmates because they make minor mistakes and don’t follow his every whim. King, you’re not exactly perfect either here. You may have tricked us into joining your band but we’re not forced to stay in it.”

“Tsukki.”   
  
“It’s no wonder they left you alone on that stage. I can’t handle being around you for a month let alone a whole year. If it was up to me they should have—”

“TSUKISHIMA.”

Yamaguchi’s voice sounded plain  _ wrong.  _ He’d only called him Tsukishima a handful of times, and that was when they were so young that it hadn’t bothered him. It eventually became Kei-kun before he landed on Tsukki. While others attempted to use or recreate the nickname, none came close to the same happy intonation Yamaguchi used when calling Kei’s name. 

So when he said it like  _ that _ it shook Kei to his very core. 

Kageyama presented himself as angry and ready to fight but there was a sort of fear that Kei had never seen before present in his eyes. He’d struck an obvious nerve. 

Kei let out a  _ tch. _ “I’m done,” he declared. “With this band and with you, King. I should have known from the start that you were the same idiotic ruler that you always were.” He turned to Hinata. “You don’t know what kind of monster you’re dealing with.”   
  
With that, Kei grabbed his things in a hurried manner and left the studio, hoping that he would never set foot in one again. 

\---

Don’t cry _ , Tadashi told himself.  _ Please, please, please don’t cry. 

_ It was useless. Tears welled in his eyes as he stared at the three bullies above him. They were ugly and menacing and everything he despised but somehow they had the unique power to bring Tadashi to tears each time they were around. He wanted so desperately to fight back but his body failed him. _

_ They scuffed dirt in Tadashi’s face. “What a pussy!” The head one cackled. “What’re ya gonna do, cry ‘bout it?” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “Man up, why don’t ya?” The second one snickered, pointing a crooked finger at him.  _

_ The third one ripped open Tadashi’s backpack, rummaging through all of his things. He dumped it all out until he found a small item that seemed to pique his interest. “Let’s see what kind of girly shit you listen to,” he sneered, opening up Tadashi’s iPod.  _

_ His plead to stop was caught in his throat. They shuffled through the songs until landing on some old American love song; the slow beat echoed through the park and over the boys’ laughs. _

_ Tadashi wanted to stand up and push them all away but he didn’t have the strength in him. He never did. He was simply a coward who would never be able to face his simple fears, let alone a group of bullies. After all, this weakness was a part of him. And who needed a small, petty boy who couldn’t even fight back? _

_ “Pathetic.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ Tadashi, as well as his tormentors, perked up at the sound of an unknown voice. Behind them was a tall boy with short blond hair, glasses, and a glare that clearly expressed just how lowly he thought of this little group. An oddly shaped case was strapped to his back.  _

_ “What did you say you little shit?” The lead bully snarled. He began to make his way towards the blond kid but quickly realized he was at a severe height disadvantage. From Tadashi’s viewpoint on the ground, the kid may as well have been as big as a skyscraper. _

_ “Watch out,” the third bully warned. “He’s a middle schooler.” _

_ The second one shook his head and puffed his chest. “He’s just in Class 5. Nothing more than a smart-ass.” _ _   
_ _   
_ _ “A smart-ass who can report you for beating that kid up,” the blond remarked slyly. His eyes slid to meet Tadashi’s and for a moment the world stopped. Tadashi thought he was staring right at the moon. It was as if Tadashi was a tide being pulled in by gravitational force.  _

_ “Shoo,” the blond said. The bullies scattered.  _

_ Tadashi pushed himself off the ground. “T-thank you,” he stammered out. “I ah…”  _

_ The blond smirked. He moved toward Tadashi and picked his iPod up, the love song still playing. “You should really learn to stand up to other people. It’ll be useful in the future.” He handed the iPod back. “Do you play an instrument?” _

\---

Tadashi wasn’t sure why that specific day came to mind. Maybe it was Tsukki’s words that rung so true or maybe it was the fact that for the first time in Tadashi’s life, someone was there for him. He was a lonely kid. His mother was always working. He never knew his father. The kids in his class were intimidating. The bullies threatened any potential friends he could have had. 

Tsukki was the first person Tadashi could rely on. He wasn’t going to let that go so quickly even after so many years. 

The coolness of the day prior had long passed. As Tadashi exited the studio, he was met with warm air that only served to prove Summer would be here soon. The night was quiet without the onslaught of chirping cicadas that came with heated weather. 

Tsukki was already midway down the road, headphones on. Tadashi would have to cause a commotion or something to grab his attention but honestly there wasn’t much he wouldn’t do for him. 

“TSUKKI!” He shouted, taking off after him. Tadashi was grateful that no one was around to see his voice get so strained. 

There was a second of visible hesitation before Tsukki stopped in his tracks. He slid his headphones off one ear. 

“Don’t try to convince me to go back and apologize,” Tsukki stated flatly. 

Tadashi finally came to rest a few feet away. “I’m not. I just want to know what’s going on” 

Tsukki turned, ripping off his headphones. Music leaked out—classical. “I don’t understand people like Kageyama and Hinata. How can they just pour everything into something so trivial? It’s just a band.”

A snort escaped Tadashi. “Just a band? Tsukki, you probably know better than anybody that this is way more than just some after school activity. Deep down you have the same drive to play music as I do.” Usually, Tadashi wasn’t so frank but he was just saying what Tsukki needed to hear. He wasn’t sure how much longer his bout of confidence would last so he had to utilize it to its full extent. 

Tsukki shot him a glare, then immediately dropped his eyes. “Whatever. I’m not putting up with that King anymore.”   
  
“You both want the same thing,” Tadashi said in his most convincing voice. The determination was wavering, but he managed to keep himself steady for his final point. “You both want what’s best but you do it in two different manners. I know you want to be here. It’s different this time around, I promise.”   
  
Tadashi truly didn’t know if his words would be able to stick. He at least hoped that it would be different; at least now Tsukki’s drive to play was hidden beneath layers and layers of indifference. In a way, it pained Tadashi to see Tsukki blatantly express his disdain for playing music. It was the thing that brought them together in the first place.

Tadashi loved music. He couldn’t lose it again… he couldn’t lose Tsukki again. 

It was selfish. Tadashi knew his desire to play with Tsukki was just some greedy motive but it was all he had. 

“I don’t get it,” Tsukki sighed, returning back to his normal self. His expression was cold but Tadashi read it as a sign that he was processing it all. “Kageyama shouldn’t expect us to be like him or Hinata. We can’t all be musical prodigies.”   
  
“Maybe not but… I want to play with you, Tsukki,” Tadashi admitted. “I want earn my right to be on that stage alongside you. I can’t exactly do that if we quit the band. Sorry if its too forward or anything, it’s just… I don’t want it to be over yet.”   
  
“Just because I’m leaving doesn’t mean you have to.”   
  
Tadashi sent him a deadpan stare. “Then don’t leave.”   


They stayed quiet for a while. The only audible sound was the occasional car passing by or a laughing couple further down the street. Tadashi’s gaze wandered towards the sky. The moon was full. He couldn’t help but think that if the sky had a sound, it would be a love song. 

\---

“Kageyama…”   


Hinata’s incessant gaze burned into Tobio’s skull. He was reeling back to that awful, awful day where he looked over to see no one beside him. 

“Leave,” Tobio instructed. He kept his head low. 

Hinata snorted. “Kageyama I’m not—”

“I said leave!” Tobio’s voice wavered on the final word. Shit. 

“You have to let it out,” Hinata soothed. He took a step forward while Tobio scooted back. “That’s what you told me. I don’t expect you to sing or anything but it’s good advice… I guess for a dumbass.”   
  
There’s a tinge of pink on Hinata’s cheeks. Tobio, in the moment, was just trying to understand what Hinata was going through; he never expected for his own words to be turned against him. After all, it wasn’t like he had told anyone about what happened at his final show. There wasn’t anyone to tell. 

“My former band…” Tobio began, his eyes still resting on the floor, “we didn’t get along very well from the beginning. We all attended the same middle school and met through the Light Music Club. We had a handful of talented senpais that we looked up to and decided that we should start a band ourselves. 

“We were good but there was always something off. Like we clicked but not well enough. Kunimi and Kindaichi were against me from the start. I just wanted them to put more effort in—play better, do more shows, have more practices. I called them out for their mistakes and they didn’t appreciate it. 

“Last winter we had a show at a performance hall uptown. We’d gotten into a fight that week about something that I can’t even remember and they didn’t show up the day of the performance. I tried to tell that to the staff but they didn’t seem to understand or something. They forced me on that stage. There was no one behind me and I played alone.

“It turns out they came but they decided it would be better to not play at all than play with me. I screamed at them afterwards because they weren’t there but all they said was that I had pushed them away in the first place. It was all  _ my  _ fault.”   
  
Tobio hoped a weight or something would be lifted from his chest but he was just weighed down even more. After going through all of the emotions again he just hated himself even more for what happened. He couldn’t stop Kunimi and Kindaichi from ditching him the first time and now Tsukishima was doing the same thing. 

“I don’t think it’s your fault,” Hinata stated matter-of-factly. “It seems to me that they were the ones who messed up by leaving you alone on stage.”   
  
Tobio had never thought about it in that way. He just assumed that his domineering attitude was the thing that destroyed their band; was their reaction actually justified?   
  
“Anyways, what happened back then doesn’t matter now,” Hinata affirmed. “It’s like you said: we’ve all done some shitty things.”   
  
Tobio raised his head. Hinata’s eyes were big and directly staring at him. “Yeah…” Tobio said, albeit half-heartedly. 

“I’m here. And with me, you’re invincible!” 

Hinata gave him a happy laugh; he was a complete 180 from last night but Tobio didn’t care. No matter what emotion he was undergoing, that gaze dug into Tobio all the same. It lit something inside of him.

_ Oh,  _ Tobio realized with a start.  _ So that’s what this is.  _

He was in love with Hinata. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session six: Open Your Eyes


	6. Open Your Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiiii thanks for keeping up! I love you all and I hope you have an amazing day!
> 
> also kageyama's last reveal 👀
> 
> ok ok here's chapter six!

Tobio always thought falling in love would be a gradual process. 

He thought it would take weeks or months or maybe even a year to recognize that his feelings for someone else were growing. He thought that it would be pleasant and fulfilling. He thought that it’d happen sometime later in life with a nice woman that would eventually become his wife. He thought that falling in love would be easy. 

Instead, his love for Hinata hit him like a meteor. 

And it _hurt._ God, it hurt. It ached Tobio every time he dwelled on it. His heart would beat faster and faster and perspiration collected at his hairline and his legs felt like gelatin and his fingers began to shake. Maybe that was why his playing had gotten so bad during their last practice. He was too busy thinking about Hinata and his steady fingers had turned into wobbling messes. 

But in a strange way, it also made his playing the best it had ever been. Even Tobio could see his emotions being poured into the songs they played. A certain senpai had once told him that audiences forgave mistakes if you were performing well. At the time, Tobio neglected the fact and continued to perfect his technique. He would perform well not through emotions but through skill alone. 

Yet his emotions were leaking through bit by bit. They just happened to culminate in a horribly painful moment while Hinata stared at him like he was an alien. 

“Kageyama?” He questioned, eyes going big. “You look like you’re gonna be sick or something.”  
  
Tobio shook his head. “It’s fine. I’m fine.” He really, _really_ wasn't. “We should pack up. I have something do to.”  
  
“Oooh, can I come along?” Hinata cooed. 

Against his will, Tobio began to blush. He could physically feel the pink settle warm in his cheeks. How unpleasant. 

“No, dumbass,” Kageyama replied curtly. Hinata gave him a pout but began to pack up regardless, There was more to do than usual considering Tsukishima and Yamaguchi ditched them and left behind most of the cleaning duties. 

It was Tobio’s fault but _still._

He needed to get home as soon as possible while these feelings were still swirling around inside his head and stomach. Before Hinata, songwriting was all about composing something that was pleasant on the ear. Something audiences could agree with and would want to listen to.

Now, it was all about the emotion. The warmth that radiated in Tobio’s chest when he saw Hinata smile, the protective aura that emerged out of nowhere when Hinata was hurt, the constant need to see him and be around him. 

_Fuck,_ Tobio thought, _I’m too deep._

Tobio didn’t even know if Hinata could reciprocate his feelings… did he like guys in the first place? Tobio’s sense about these kind of things was always off. He didn’t care what other people’s preferences were. The dreadful idea that Hinata was purely attracted to women peeked in Tobio’s mind. Why did he have to be so hidden about it?  
  
“Kageyama are you constipated or something?” Hinata laughed, picking up the last of their items. Tobio’s blush settled even heavier. “Your face is all like _blergh._ ” He mimicked an exaggerated ugly expression. 

Tobio might be in love with the guy, but that didn’t stop Hinata from acting like a piece of shit. 

Tobio grabbed Hinata’s jaw, his brows furrowing. “You little—” Hinata began to squirm under his hand, tugging on his arms through small grunts. He looked up at a Tobio with a new fierceness that exuded the energy of the wild. 

A strange moment of connection passed between them. For what couldn’t have been longer than a second, their eyes met with matching fury that exuded passion. An unsaid, unfinished thought passed between them. 

_Are you…?_

Tobio released Hinata. He rubbed at his jaw, careful to keep his gaze away. 

“Let’s go,” Tobio instructed, attempting to shake away the lingering sense of unity himself. 

But he couldn’t. Time and time again, those eyes of Hinata’s peered in to Tobio’s soul and made his heart flutter like he was a schoolchild with his first crush. It was true, in a way. Tobio didn’t catch feelings very easily. In fact, for years Tobio simply assumed he wasn’t going to until he was a full-fledged adult (an even deeper part of him assumed he would never find love). Alas, he was head over heels at the mere age of 15 and now he had absolutely no idea what to do about it. 

Well, he had absolutely no idea what do when he was next to Hinata. Once they said their goodbyes and Tobio saw that orange hair bounce into the next train, he was off to confess his feelings in the only way he knew: Hinata’s song. 

It had come along quite a bit since his first all-nighter but now Tobio had a whole new perspective on their relationship. As much as he wanted to compose something loving and sweet, the song was becoming heated with yearning and agony.

Nevertheless, it was becoming _exactly_ what he wanted; it was a way to tell Hinata every emotion he felt without having to actually say the words. Tobio just hoped the gesture would be enough to convey everything. 

Tobio spent the entire night composing his perfect piece. He was drained and nearly dead by morning, but the little audio file entitled _Sun Song_ took its rightful place on Tobio’s phone. He could keep it with him and listen to it at any time of day. Even if it was for Hinata, it surprisingly helped Tobio to keep his mind off him for a while. He played it while getting ready, during his morning commute, during class. It kept him at ease and in a state of pure content.

That calm, collected attitude is what Tobio needed when he sought out Tsukishima between class. He was quick to snag him away—he had to be or else Yamaguchi would steal him first—and lead Tsukishima to a back corner of the building despite his incessant protests. 

“What do you want?” He growled, finally yanking his arm out of Tobio’s firm grasp. “I already told you that I—”  
  
A notification cut him off. Tsukishima eyed Tobio before pulling out his phone. 

“What is this?”  
  
“Listen,” Tobio instructed.

So Tsukishima did, albeit begrudgingly. He plugged in his headphones and the tune leaked through revealing the piece Tobio had spent so long now working on. The expression on Tsukishima’s face changed ever-so-slightly. In general, his moods were difficult to distinguish but even Tobio could see the recognition light in his eyes when the chorus came through. 

With the lingering last note, Tsukishima ripped off his headphones. “You composed all of this?” He asked more like it was an accusation. 

Tobio nodded. 

“Isn’t this the same melody Hinata sang?” 

Tobio nodded. 

Tsukishima let out a _hmm._ “So you realized your feelings for Hinata then.”  
  
A brilliant blush began to creep along Tobio’s neck. He rapidly searched the hallway to see if anyone else had heard but the only lingering kids were well out ear-shot. 

“How did you—”

“You’re not exactly inconspicuous,” Tsukishima said, pushing up his glasses. “It’s honestly disgusting watching you pine over him. You’re lucky he’s just as stupid as you are and can’t recognize infatuation.”

Anger bubbled up in Tobio’s chest. He wanted to sock Tsukishima right then and there. “Are you really that bigoted?”  
  
Tsukishima eyed him head to toe. “Do you think I _actually_ care about what gender you prefer?” The heat in Tobio turned from fury to embarrassment. “A trivial thing like that hardly matters. I’m only concerned about how much emotion you actually poured into this little project and if it’ll affect group dynamics.”

“Look,” Tobio sighed, praying his warm cheeks would fade faster. “I’m not good with words… and I hate doling out compliments or admitting that I need people… but a band only works if you have people in it.”

“Yeah, that’s the general consensus.”  
  
Tobio frowned. “You’re talented,” he grumbled out in a low voice, “and I need you in our band.”

Tsukishima smirked. “What was that?”  
  
“I said you’re talented and I need you in our band,” Tobio raised his voice just a bit, but still kept the words strung together with a huff. 

“One more time.”  
  
Tobio let out a breath. “I SAID YOU’RE TALENTED, DUMBASS. AND I NEED YOU IN OUR DUMB BAND.”

If they hadn’t attracted the attention of the passersby before, now they stared at the usually quiet Tobio with an upturned brow and aura of leaking suspicion. It didn’t matter; Tobio couldn’t care less about their opinions. 

Tsukishima let out a sigh. “I never thought I’d see the day when His Royal Egotist would be able to admit he needs others, let alone write a song of all things for someone else.”  
  
Tobio clenched his fists at the mention of his kingly status, but tried his best to not let it show on his face. Hinata’s dumb but sweet affirmations of invincibility rang through his mind. 

“Wow,” Tsukishima almost chuckled. He pocketed his phone. “You really have changed. Fine. Let me guess, you want me to compose the bass part? I’m assuming you’ll take care of the second guitar but we should honestly up the BPM and add in some heavier chords if we want the song to resonate.”  
  
In the jargon of music, Tobio could barely register the true intention of his words. “You’re staying then?”  
  
Tsukishima gave him a small sort of pout. “It’s not due to anything you said, I can assure that. And I still have the right to leave at any given moment.”  
  
“But you’re not quitting yet.” Tobio attempted to suppress the grin growing on his lips (he didn’t want to seem happy in front of Tsukishima of all people) but it was useless. 

“Not yet.”

\---

Kei wasn’t one for composing music. He liked to be on the listening side so he could investigate the song for what it was: a series of strung-together notes. He scrutinized over every detail wondering why one progression was more impactful than another or why dissonance sounded so terrible or why the composer chose to raise the volume on one portion… 

The list was endless. As was his vast repertoire. Considering he’d played cello since elementary school, most pieces he could pick up with relative ease. He could struggle through even the worst sight-reading in order to produce the piece back with near perfect accuracy. Give him a day or even a week, the song would be mastered on the technical level. 

Bass was another story. He only started in middle school and even then it seemed like all of his time playing was unproductive. He didn’t even know how long was the gap between playing daily to none at all, but his time apart from the instrument clearly showed. And yet, each time he picked up his old bass it felt… good in the simplest of terms. He couldn’t exactly describe or name the rush of feelings that coursed through his body when he began to play. Mostly because he ignored the emotions in favor for playing well. He didn’t need emotion when he had accuracy.

But the thing about writing songs was that they didn’t work well without some sort of driving emotion. Kageyama had obviously composed the piece for Hinata so his love was visible through every note and phrase. Gross. 

Kei didn’t have love for anybody. 

Or at least he didn't realize it if he did. Sure, he had emotions (he wasn’t a sociopath after all) but they were subdued under years of shoving them deep, deep down. He couldn’t let them all run free; what kind of sicko would he look like? Hinata? That was the last thing he wanted out of his songwriting experience. 

So Kei elicited the one closest to the surface: content. 

Not happiness per say. He hadn’t experienced pure, unadulterated happiness in god knows how long. No, Kei’s content came during times of peace where he wasn’t plagued with bothersome bandmates or long hours of homework. Content came in strawberry shortcake from the cafe he worked at uptown. It came in cool breezes on walks home after band practice with Yamaguchi. It came in seeing new documentaries at that small theatre two train stops away from home. It came in snarky remarks and toothy grins and apologies and constellations and freckles… 

Kei let out a heavy sigh. 

Content. It did _not_ come in songwriting. But he kept at it regardless, and in a singular day he had composed a bassline that accompanied the guitar well. The song was beginning to actually sound like something Kei could tolerate. It just needed a few more additions. 

\---

“Huh? What’s this?”

Tsukki didn’t give Tadashi a response. He just lazily dragged his french fry through some ketchup and moved his head as his way of saying _open it._

So Tadashi clicked on the audio file that Tsukki had sent. Immediately, a strong, melodious guitar appeared accompanied with a heavy bassline underlaying the main track. They weaved together, telling a story of mixed emotions Tadashi couldn’t quite distinguish. But he knew the set of notes tied in at the chorus. It was Hinata’s tune. 

He let the song play through, the strings drowned out by the noise of the burger joint. With his phone pressed close and Tsukki’s inquisitive gaze staring him down, the hustle and bustle of the outside world didn’t matter. His sight was restricted to this little back-corner booth that him and Tsukki had sat in any nth number of times. The world was a guitar, a bass, and Tsukki. 

The song ended on a sustained note, held out for seconds that dripped into eternity. 

“Wow,” Tadashi breathed out, removing his earbuds. “That’s really _really_ good.”  
  
“It could be better,” Tsukki replied easily. “We need a strong beat to support it all. Something with a fast BPM that goes heavy on the cymbals and snare.”

Tadashi snorted. Yeah as _if_ he could compose something like that. He cheekily stole one of the soggier fries off of Tsukki’s plate before he noticed the serious aura he exuded. Not from the fry-stealing, obviously. He did that all the time.

“You seriously want me to write the drum part?” Tadashi asked, raising his voice just a little. 

Tsukki scrunched his brows together. “Who else do you expect to write it?”

“I-I don’t know, Kageyama or someone?”  
  
Tadashi had never written a song before. His playing was barely strong enough when he followed other people’s easily laid out work. How could he manage to write something when he knew so little? There had to be someone other than Tadashi that could arrange a perfect drum part… right?

“You’ll be fine,” Tsukki stated matter-of-factly. It didn’t have the positivity Tadashi wanted but instead it had the reassurance he needed. 

“I-It’s just that I’ve never written a song before and I’m not sure how you even go about it and there's _so_ many good songwriters that I—”

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi faltered. “Sorry, Tsukki.” 

Tsukki held out his hand. “Give me your phone.” 

Tadashi did as instructed, watching as Tsukki placed one earbud into his ear and leaned across the table to give Tadashi the other. 

“Listen,” Tsukki instructed. “What do you think the song needs?”

Tadashi listened. It was pretty obvious the song lacked a strong, central beat to tie in the guitar and bass. Not to mention it could probably use another guitar part to support the main. Tadashi couldn’t do much for the guitar but the central beat… 

It wouldn’t be easy. But one look into Tsukki’s determined eyes gave Tadashi the confidence boost he needed. He was still uncertain as to whether or not he could actually pull it off but considering Tsukki took the time and effort to write his own part… the least Tadashi could do was add on to it. 

Tadashi gave him a big smile. “I’ll try my best.”  
  
Tsukki leaned in a little closer. “That’s all I need.”

\---

It was overwhelming, frankly. 

Shouyou was still so new to the whole world of music. While his skills were improving each day, he could still acknowledge the fact that he was leagues behind his bandmates. And it showed in the song. 

While they stumbled on a few of the parts and there was still room for improvement, even Shouyou with his limited knowledge could recognize the fact that something amazing was happening here. Kageyama’s guitar, Tsukishima’s bass, and Yamaguchi’s drums were all coming together in a beautiful intertwining refrain that took Shouyou’s simple tune and elevated to impossible levels. 

The smile that grew on his face was incredibly bright. “This is so good!” Shouyou cheered, his praises genuine. “I can’t believe you all wrote this!”  
  
“I know right?” Yamaguchi beamed. “I never thought Tsukki would go out of his way to write something.”  
  
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima chided. 

“Sorry Tsukki!” He grinned back. 

Tsukishima shifted his weight. “You should honestly blame your precious Kageyama for begging us to add on in the first place.”  
  
Shouyou’s gaze shifted to Kageyama but their eyes didn’t meet. Was he… blushing?

“Shut up,” Kageyama said, feigning stubbornness. “The song’s not even finished yet. We need lyrics.” Kageyama brought his eyes up, staring right into Shouyou. “And you’re going to write them.”  
  
Shouyou let out a laugh in disbelief but Kageyama obviously wasn’t joking. How could Shouyou even begin to compose the jumbled words that bounced around in his head? He was a mess of internal doubts and longing and pride and happiness and there was no way to possibly put that all into coherent lyrics. The words couldn’t simply be said, they had to be drawn out. 

“Kageyama, I have no idea how to write lyrics for a song,” Shouyou explained in quick breaths. “I-I’m not even good at saying what I want in, like, everyday conversations. You seriously want me to write lyrics?”

Kageyama pursed his lips. “Hinata, this is your song. You deserve to write the lyrics.”

“I…” Shouyou’s head fell. He didn’t even have the right words to say now so how could he possibly write ones for an entire song?

A sharp pain rang through Shouyou’s body. But one look at Kageyama and it seemed to fade away. He’d written this entire song for him. He took that stupid melody always running through Shouyou’s head and actually made something from it. He even got Tsukishima and Yamaguchi to add onto it. How could he deny their hard work and effort?

“I’ll do it,” Shouyou said, voice laced with confidence. 

Kageyama grinned. 

\---

Spring was fading away. While the official mark of Summer had yet to come, the heat had arrived with a vengeance. Tobio wanted to curl up with the AC as the sun stayed out longer day after day. Instead, his free moments were spent in that staircase with Hinata or the studio with the rest of the band or at work to pay for the expensive habit of being in a band. 

Tsukishima reminded them not-too-nicely that grades were important as well so Tobio and Hinata sought out extra help on the weekends from Yachi. She was more than willing to help their insufferable test scores and gushed over how proud she was over their efforts. On rare occasions, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima would help them too. Breaks during rehearsal were spent struggling over math equations and learning English vocabulary words. It was a struggle to actually pass his courses, but with the additional help Tobio was doing better than ever.

Even Tobio's school days seemed to be filled with his bandmates. He'd get answers from Yamaguchi during class and eat lunch on the rooftop with everyone and sneak away to the staircase to practice with Hinata. Some days, before Tobio and Hinata could retreat to be alone, they were pulled aside by the volleyball team and were begged to play. Tobio always gave them a gruff, “No,” but Hinata always managed to bound over and begin playing before Tobio could stop him. 

The volleyball guys were nice enough, a solid group of students from all years who seemed fascinated with the whole world of music. The captain, a dependable guy named Daichi, easily struck up conversations with Tobio and Hinata and thanked them for their time. The other third years, a nice but wild guy named Suga and a strong yet nervous-wreck named Asahi, were always asking questions about their band. 

The second years were another issue all together. Tobio liked a guy named Ennoshita; he always managed to control the wild energies of two idiots Tobio wasn’t particularly fond over. One with spiky, partially-dyed hair named Nishinoya always managed to complain about height. 

“You’re gifted by the gods with all that height,” Noya grumbled one day, “and you don’t even play volleyball?!”

Tanaka, the other second year with a shaved head and a mean scowl, let out a grumble. “I know! You’re probably not even done growing you bastard!” He wrung his arm around Tobio’s neck and let out a hearty laugh. 

Tobio grumbled curses under his breath until he saw Hinata light up from the praises of the team. Despite his short stature, he was surprisingly adept at the sport. He could run and jump all over the place while Tobio could barely manage to send the ball to the right spot. 

Even if he didn’t understand their drive to play volleyball, Tobio did find himself enjoying the presence of the team. They were a respite from the all-encompassing world of music. It was lighthearted and energetic and dare he say it… a little fun. It was sort of comforting to know outside their small little band Tobio had people he could consider friends. 

That idea in itself was completely foreign. Since when did Tobio have reliable friends? When did he have a band he could call upon even if they grumbled or fought? When was there someone always by his side?  
  
It was… nice. 

The feeling began to show in their song development. While Hinata was still grinding away on the lyrics, the musical portion of the song was almost completely set. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi had managed to compose great additions to the song and through a lot of workshopping it began to sound so _real._ Like they were an actual band playing their own music. Insane. 

Even crazier was that they would have something to show for it. One practice, Yamaguchi came running into the studio completely out of breath but with a wild smile regardless. 

“I got us in!” He heaved, doubling over on his knees. 

Tsukishima took a step forward. “What happened?”  
  
“Turns out my boss is actually friends with Hinata’s boss,” Yamaguchi panted. “They figured out that we're in a band together and got all excited or something. Anyways, they’re putting on a show at that theatre in a couple of weeks and we’ve been asked to play.”  
  
Hinata’s face warped into pure sunshine. “Does this mean what I think it does?”  
  
Yamaguchi stood finally, his chest still expanding with heavy breaths. “Yeah. We get to play live.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session seven: Wonderwall


	7. Wonderwall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wondering if anyone has picked up that every chapter title comes from different songs haha
> 
> fellas these chapters just keep getting longer and longer but I had a fun time writing this one
> 
> enjoy!!! and as always thank you so much for reading!!!

_The wintry air nipped at Shouyou’s nose. Even with a heavy coat, scarf, gloves, and earmuffs, it seemed to penetrate deep inside his bones and chilled him to his very core. It didn’t help that every few seconds a frigid breeze seemed to appear and freeze him all over again._

_Shouyou let out a hot breath, trying to warm his hands. He stared out into the ocean and watched as the waves crashed against the rocky shore. They were dark in color, like they too were suffering from the cold bite of Winter._

_“You know I love you,” Shouyou began, turning towards Atsumu, “but why did you have to bring me all the way out here in zero degree weather?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Atsumu let out a chuckle. He looked particularly adorable with pink dotted at the bottom of his nose and high on his cheeks. He wore the beanie Shouyou gave him for his last birthday. Even before they started dating, Shouyou would always kill himself over what to give Atsumu. The last one had been a beanie, a set of new guitar picks (he unknowingly bought cheap ones but Atsumu didn’t say until much later), a dinner at his favorite sushi joint, and a load of kisses that Atsumu seemed to enjoy the most._

_Ever since they started at different schools, the time they spent together was so precious and limited. Today was no different._

_“What, I thought you love the beach?” Atsumu joked with a sly smile._

_“I like the beach when the sun is out and I can actually get in the water,” Shouyou explained with a pout. Atsumu pulled him in close and warmth immediately spread throughout his body._

_Atsumu planted a kiss on the top of Shouyou’s head. “Have you thought ‘bout where yer going next year?”_

_“Karasuno seems like a nice school,” Shouyou answered innocently._

_“Seriously? Inarizarki’s good. Or even Nekoma so you could see Tetsu-kun and Kenma-kun.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Shouyou pulled slightly away, already longing for Atsumu’s heat. “I mean I guess… I like Karasuno though. It’s closer to the new apartment. I can look into Inarizarki if you want, though.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Atsumu frowned. “Sho, I’m gonna lose you any day now, huh?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“What does that mean?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _A faraway look entered Atsumu’s eyes. He got like that sometimes, like he was there physically but mentally he was a million miles away. It frightened Shouyou each time because he knew some dark force could pull Atsumu away._

_“In a year from now, you probably won’t forget this day,” Atsumu sighed. “‘Cause I’m talking ‘bout it, you’ll think 'bout it for a while. ‘Bout how cold it is or how the waves look. Maybe in five years you’ll forget what I was wearin’ or what train lines we took. In ten or twenty years you’ll forget we even came to this beach. You might forget how my young face looks or how much I love you._

_“But it doesn’t matter. We don’t need things like memories. Not when we’re together, right?”_

\---

It was ironic.

Atsumu always said that too. _We don’t need things like memories._ Maybe Atsumu didn’t, but it was all Shouyou had left. After months of trying to push them down, he was plagued with them like he was cursed or something. Atsumu existed only through his memories despite his best efforts to neglect them. And yet he appeared in his dreams unannounced and uninterrupted. 

It was excruciating. 

Shouyou let out a heavy sigh and tried to ease his racing heart. He supposed he was lucky; that day on the beach was one of the nicer ones with Atsumu. But in a painful way, he was right. That day should have been crisp in his mind considering it had happened less than six months ago, but the details were starting to get fuzzy. Shouyou could no longer recall what snack they shared on the train ride there or the conversation they had that night. He could only see the waves, the grey sky, and the solemn look on Atsumu’s face. 

A buzzing drew him out of his depressive thoughts. He checked his phone, silently hoping it was Kageyama on the other line, but it turned out to be Kenma calling. They hadn’t spoken since that night at the performance hall and before then the last time Kenma had reached out was at the funeral. Had it really been that long since they had a proper conversation?  
  
Shouyou answered the call with a gravelly, “Hello?”   
  
“Are you at home?” Kenma asked flatly. 

“Yeah… why?”  
  
“Look outside.”   
  
Shouyou crept to his window and surely enough Kenma was standing outside his apartment building with his phone in one hand and an umbrella in the other. The rain came down in lazy drizzles and bounced off of Kenma’s cat-themed umbrella. Shouyou warmly remembered when he received it as a graduation gift from Kuroo a few years back. At the time, he seemed indifferent towards the present but he’d been using it ever since. Kenma despised the rain, always claiming that there was no need to be outside in general, especially when it was pouring. For him to be outside right now was something Shouyou simply couldn’t brush off. 

“Can we talk?” Kenma’s voice was barely above a whisper but his eyes seemed to bore straight into Shouyou’s despite the distance separating them. 

Shouyou pressed his lips together. “Okay.”  
  
Shouyou dressed quickly but his mind was still reeling from his dream. He didn’t want to be consumed with thoughts of Atsumu all the time but he couldn’t help it any more. The simple fact was that Shouyou missed him. He just couldn’t express how much. 

He grabbed his own favorite umbrella which had little designs of crows and joined Kenma in the rain. He silently lead Shouyou to a park a block away from his apartment. There was something sort of somber about an empty park on a rainy afternoon. The rusty swingsets and abandoned jungle gym reminded Shouyou of the place he went to play as a child. Even in the rain, Shouyou was always happy to bask in the outdoors. After all, the park was the first place Shouyou had met Atsumu. 

Kenma came to rest at a picnic table under an awning. He took a seat and shivered, pulling his large raincoat in close. 

“I hate the rain,” he pouted, rubbing at his nose. 

Shouyou slid in the seat across from him. “Y’know, you could have just asked to come inside.”  
  
“I’ve never been inside your new apartment, though,” Kenma said, keeping his eyes down. “And we haven’t really talked in a long time.”

The silence between them was palpable. It was stupid, right? Here was Shouyou’s friend of god knows how long and they could barely even hold a conversation. Shouyou longed for the days of elementary school where Kenma would listen to his endless, pointless stories. He missed creating sand castles with Atsumu on summer days when the sun beat down heavy on their tanned skin. He missed the onigiri Kuroo would buy for him after school, even if it was just so he could get on Kenma’s good side. He missed watching their band play with a careful awe as the music pulsated through his veins. 

That same dread settled in Shouyou’s stomach made a reappearance. The fact was those days when the four of them existed in their own universe could no longer be. Atsumu had ripped it all away with a few irreversible slices. Shouyou couldn’t blame him though; he was plagued with issues beyond his own control. Shouyou was the one to say those final words that served as a catalyst for his actions. 

“I’m sorry,” Shouyou said at last. “I shouldn’t have pushed you away.”

“It’s not a big deal,” Kenma assured though his voice was unconvincing. “We all needed time to cope.”  
  
Shouyou shook his head. “Still…”

“It doesn’t matter anymore. It’s in the past. I should have been more open with you.”  
  
“What do you mean?”

Kenma fidgeted with his fingers on the table. “I mean I knew about you and Atsumu from the start. You didn’t exactly hide it well and I told Kuro about it too. We should have let you know that we didn’t care about your relationship. Instead we stayed silent. Maybe that’s part of the reason why…”  
  
 _Why Atsumu killed himself._

After months of tormenting himself over Atsumu’s death, Shouyou never discovered a clear reason for his death. Every memory concerning Atsumu that Shouyou was forced to relive only made him more confused as to his true intention. But deep, deep, deep down Shouyou knew it wasn’t a silly thing like Kenma and Kuroo’s acceptance of their relationship; it was Shouyou who caused Atsumu so much pain that the only escape was to take his own life. 

“I don’t think that’s it,” Shouyou decided, searching for Kenma’s gaze. 

Kenma finally raised his head, his cat-like eyes firm. “Shouyou, you can’t blame yourself for what happened. I guess I can’t either… Atsumu had issues beyond what you or I could control. Should we have recognized the signs sooner? Maybe but… it’s no one’s fault.”  
  
“Kenma!”   
  
Kenma perked up at his own name. Further down the path, Kuroo was scanning all over the empty park until he finally found Kenma under the awning. Shouyou could see the moment Kuroo recognized him; the raised eyebrows and agape mouth were a dead giveaway. 

“Wow Sho-kun,” Kuroo breathed. “I didn’t realize you’d be out here… Actually why are you guys out here? The storm’s getting worse.”  
  
“We were talking about Atsumu,” Kenma replied flatly. 

Kuroo nodded, like he understood their entire previous conversation with just that one sentence. He took a seat next to Kenma, forcing him to scoot over a bit. They still sat shoulder-to-shoulder as always though. 

“I didn’t realize how much I appreciated Atsumu talking until he didn’t anymore,” Kuroo sighed. It might have been the truth, but it still pained Shouyou to hear. 

Shouyou averted his gaze. “I…” The words faltered in his throat. He was caught, unable to speak once again. 

“Sho-kun, we get it,” Kuroo began, his expression full of melancholy. “You don’t have to explain yourself for breaking away or give excuses. You’re grieving. It’s normal. After my mother died, my grandmother told me that in order to properly grieve someone’s loss you have to go a full year without them. Even then, the feelings you have attached to that person never fade. It might take two or three or ten years before you feel like you can fully accept what happened. You’re still in year one. Take it slow.”  
  
Kenma nodded beside him. “We miss him too. Don’t forget that. We’re here to talk if you ever need it.”

There was the issue though. Shouyou _couldn’t_ talk about it. Time and time again the words he so desperately wanted to say simply wouldn’t come out. He was dying to actually speak to Kuroo and Kenma about everything considering the fact they knew Atsumu as well as he did. There was no denying the years of friendship they all shared even before Shouyou and Atsumu started to date. 

But Shouyou couldn’t even say that. 

He only gave them a pressed grin. 

Kenma scanned him. “Are you okay?”  
  
“No…” Shouyou admitted. “But I think I will be. Eventually. Hopefully.”   
  
“Was that Atsumu’s guitar?” Kuroo asked, leaning in a little closer. 

“Yeah I… I joined a band.”  
  
Kuroo and Kenma shot each other a calculated look before turning back to Shouyou. “ _Seriously?_ ” Kuroo questioned. 

Now this was something Shouyou could endlessly talk about for hours. While his thoughts about Atsumu restricted his breathing and closed his throat, thinking about the band made Shouyou feel at home. His shoulders relaxed and a nice, calming sense of peace settled in his heart. The band, despite the rocky road they’d been on, was something that Shouyou only thought about with warm regards. 

“Yeah! It’s me, this super talented and awesome guitarist named Kageyama, a bassist named Tsukishima, and a drummer named Yamaguchi. We all go to Karasuno and… we’re even playing in a live show coming up.”  
  
Their bleak faces consumed in the world of the past turned into amusement as Shouyou continued to gush on about his new band. 

Kuroo let out a deep chuckle. “Think you’re any good?”

“Oh I suck at guitar,” Shouyou said confidently. Kenma raised an eyebrow. “But I can sing! Or at least Kageyama said I have a nice voice. Even though we haven’t been playing together for very long I think we’re pretty strong.”  
  
“Better than us?”   
  
Shouyou raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”   
  
Kuroo’s face dropped. “Me and Kenma.” Shouyou didn’t budge. “Our band. The band we started with Atsumu last year.”   
  
“That’s still a thing?!”   
  
“Of course it’s a thing!” Kuroo shouted back. “Well obviously its not the _same,_ but we’re still playing! We recruited some guys from another school.”

Shouyou blinked twice. “Weird, I totally thought you guys gave that up.”  
  
“You haven’t exactly talked to us in months,” Kenma pointed out, his voice low. 

“Fair,” Shouyou conceded, “but I think you guys should come to the live show! It’ll be our first one and we’re debuting a song that Kageyama wrote.”  
  
“Kageyama…” Kenma squinted, like he was thinking hard about something. “Is he the one you met up with that night at the performance hall?”   
  
Shouyou sheepishly thought back to that night and how frightened he was to see Kenma and Kuroo after so long. He could handle the two of them now but at the time they were so overwhelming. Kageyama was the only thing that seemed to calm him down. Even if they riled each other up in rehearsals or fought over stupid things during lunch, that day it felt like the two of them were on the same wavelength. He was totally, wholeheartedly there for Shouyou when he needed him the most. 

“That’s him,” Shouyou affirmed. He felt his cheeks warm but he couldn’t figure out why. It wasn’t like Kageyama was anything more to him than a bandmate and guitar teacher… right?

Kenma’s face warped into one of disgust. “He seems determined.”  
  
“Like that’s a bad thing?”   
  
“Like you, Shouyou.”

Shouyou stifled his snort. Him and Kageyama were as different as they came. They were night and day difference; they were black and white; they were the Winter and the Summer; they were Kageyama and Hinata.

“I’ll say it,” Kuroo began with a creeping smile, “it looks like Kageyama cares a lot about you.”  
  
Shouyou brushed off the comment. “He’s just my friend.”   
  
Kuroo nodded but seemed unconvinced. Usually talking about Kageyama elicited no sort of feeling from Shouyou. He’d told his family and Yachi lots of stories about what happened in rehearsal or something stupid Kageyama did or his insane addiction to milk. But somehow admitting what they actually were made Shouyou’s heart beat unexpectedly fast, in a way it’d never done before. He could physically feel his palms begin to clam up as he thought deeper about what he was actually implying. 

Shouyou didn’t have the words, he only had the emotions. And yet he still began to question how he actually felt towards Kageyama. 

_Should we be more than friends?_

\---

Train rides were always relatively quiet. 

As they slowly crept closer towards their live performance, it seemed like their rehearsals stretched out further and further into the night. Tadashi didn’t mind it; the longer he spent in the studio surrounded by laughter and progress, the less time he spent alone in his apartment. But even the apartment seemed livelier as he practiced more and more each night. He loved the sensation of improving bit by bit, so he pushed himself to play even more outside of their normal rehearsals. 

Tsukki let out a sigh beside him, his gaze turned towards his phone as he endlessly scrolled through potential playlists. They shared a music streaming account, although it seemed like Tsukki got the most use out of it. Their account was flooded with playlists of all styles and varieties, songs that Tadashi never could have dreamed existed. He’d listened through most of them—especially the ones that Tsukki sent directly to him—but he was still lost in the vast world of music. 

Tsukki removed his headphones. 

“Not in the mood for anything?” Tadashi inquired, leaning in a bit closer to gauge Tsukki’s expression. 

He shook his head in return. “Our stupid song is stuck in my head,” he groaned. “I can’t find anything suitable to replace it.”  
  
“Hmm, maybe some Classical?” Tadashi suggested. 

Tsukki narrowed his eyes. 

“What?”

“You hate Classical,” Tsukki stated flatly. 

“N-not true! I listen to it sometimes! And besides I’m in orchestra, how could I hate Classical music?”

Tsukki settles against the back of the seat. “Well you hate orchestra too so that’s not a valid argument.”

Tadashi searched around the train car as pink crept along his neck and ears. It wasn’t like any of their fellow orchestra members were there but _still._ He didn’t want the entire world knowing he was a complete fraud when it came to the club he participated in. 

Tadashi pouted. “How did you know?”

“You have this… pained expression every time we’re in orchestra,” Tsukki explained, each word like a stab to the heart. “In comparison, when we have band rehearsal, you get this excited face when you play that’s really…” 

Tsukki cleared his throat. “Anyways, it was quite obvious. Not to mention this—”

He grabbed Tadashi’s hand and held it gingerly in his own. Tadashi could have combusted right then and there but he kept his main attention on preventing his heart from exploding. 

Tsukki’s hands were huge. Sure he had the height to warrant their size but still seeing them in comparison to his own seemed a little crazy. Although he supposed his large hands were part of the reason why Tsukki chose to play bass in the first place. It was like he was made to carry around that large instrument where extension was needed. His fingers were thin and long and incredibly pale. 

In comparison, Tadashi’s hands seemed thick and burly. Broken blisters lined his palms, the unfortunate consequence from playing too often. Tsukki pressed his finger into one of them, sending a shockwave of pain through Tadashi’s body. 

“You’re overworking yourself,” Tsukki concluded. He thumbed over the blisters gently now, a pout deepening on his face. 

Tadashi could barely manage to breathe. 

Tsukki laced his fingers through Tadashi’s and let their arms fall onto his thigh. In a childish way, it reminded Tadashi of the days in elementary school were Tsukki would tightly grasp their hands together and lead him on their walk home. If people saw them together, it usually prevented any unfortunate circumstances from happening. As they grew older, the hand holding stopped. Every once in a while when Tadashi got frightened by some event, he’d instinctively reach for Tsukki’s hand. He’d take it with a groan and a bit of pink collected on his cheeks. 

The last time Tadashi had taken Tsukki’s hand was at that show in middle school. It was less out of his own fear and more as a way to comfort Tsukki. For the first time in Tadashi’s entire life, he saw Tsukki cry that night. Tadashi held him close until the tears dried up and Tsukki pushed himself away. He never accepted Tadashi’s hand again. 

Tsukki squeezed Tadashi’s hand. Somehow… this felt different. It felt real. 

“I don’t get it,” Tsukki sighed. “How do you put in so much effort…”  
  
 _When all it does is hurt you later._

“I’m pretty pessimistic,” Tadashi admitted as Tsukki nodded knowingly, “but I think that music calms my nerves about everything. It makes me think that no matter what it’s gonna be okay.”

\---

Tobio was clueless when it came to love.

On his walks back from the vending machine during lunch, he had witnessed tons of confessions between young couples whose feelings were more akin to liking rather than loving. He’d also seen a fair amount of rejections where one person left a bumbling, crying mess because their feelings could never be reciprocated. Tobio never paid much attention to those instances before but now they were all he could think about. 

How could he properly tell Hinata that he loved him?  
  
Their song was one thing; it expressed Tobio’s emotions without actually spelling it all out. No, he needed a way to clearly tell Hinata his feelings without stumbling over his words and calling him a dumbass. And he needed to do it quickly. The longer Tobio waited, the more his feelings grew. Before he knew it, he might do something stupid and be unaware of the repercussions. 

Tobio let out a heavy sigh. Part of the issue was that he saw Hinata on a daily basis now. Even on an early Sunday morning, they were arriving at the studio right as it opened in order to get in some practice time before they all went off to their various jobs. Tobio arrived early knowing Hinata wouldn’t be far behind while Tsukishima would probably arrive on time with Yamaguchi close on his trail considering it was a morning. 

Tobio paid the fees and began to head towards their studio to set up, his mind still swirling with phrases of love confessions. There wasn’t necessarily one way to say it without blushing like an idiot but at least he could try. He was so caught up he didn’t even see the pair of bodies in front of him before a horrible sound reached his ears. 

“Yoohoo!” The voice called, their intonation light and airy. “Tobio-chan!”

Tobio raised his head to see his mentor, teacher, model-player, and all-around jackass of a senpai standing before him. Stupid Oikawa Tooru. Beside him was another one of Tobio’s upperclassmen, Iwaizumi. 

It’d been so long since he saw them last that it took Tobio a moment to digest everything that was going on. They each had a guitar strapped to their shoulders—they were in a studio after all. Just from the cases, Tobio could tell that they were the same ones they used all those years ago. They were the ones who truly encouraged him in the first place to start a band. While it may have been his grandfather’s guitar that first introduced him to music, Tobio, unfortunately, couldn’t deny the fact that it was Oikawa, Iwaizumi, and a few others in their year that truly inspired Tobio to join a band. They’d even introduced him to Kunimi and Kindaichi, obviously not knowing the end result of that meeting. 

Oikawa had a confident smirk plastered on his lips as he took in Tobio from head to toe. Iwaizumi gave him a subtle nod. 

“It’s been so long!” Oikawa cheered. “To be honest, the last place I ever expected to see you again was in a studio!”

Iwaizumi landed a solid hit to the back of Oikawa’s head. “Shut the fuck up, Shitty-kawa,” he growled. “Seriously, this is the first time you see Kageyama-kun and you’re going to act like a literal piece of garbage?”

“Iwa-chan, that’s mean!” Oikawa cried, rubbing at the back of his head. “Tobio-chan, in all seriousness, what are you doing here? I heard about everything that went down with Kindaichi-chan and Kunimi-chan.”  
  
“Yeah, I don’t play with them anymore,” Tobio stated, trying his best to keep his voice from wavering. He was seriously woozy from the pure coincidence of seeing them, especially at a time like this. Their live was nearing and the last thing Tobio needed was to worry even more about his past. 

“So then you’re in a new band?” Oikawa prodded. “I wanna meet the lovely bandmates of our dear Tobio-chan! What kind of people have you found that put up with you?”

Iwaizumi slapped the back of his head once more and Tobio could hear the moment it hit. It was so hard that Oikawa even stumbled forward from the impact. 

“Iwa-chan, this is domestic abuse!” Oikawa sobbed. 

Iwaizumi crossed his arms. “Tooru, you’re an adult. Act like it for god’s sake.”

Tobio blinked at their interactions. Oh. Were they dating? He was awful at picking up social cues but he felt like something was different even if they interacted in a nearly identical manner. It could have just been age or it could have been the fact that they were potentially dating. 

He was immediately thrown back into his own lover’s quarrel. If they were really dating, then who confessed first? Did one of them have the same lightning in a bottle reaction that Tobio had or was it the slow, gradual process he ached for? Were they even really dating in the first place?

“Ugh, Tobio-chan you can’t make that face at me too,” Oikawa groaned, finally straightening himself up. Tobio hadn’t even realized he was making a sour face. “Tell me about your band, _please._ See, Iwa-chan? I can be nice.”

Iwaizumi grunted in acknowledgement. 

“You don’t know them,” Tobio stated flatly. “They’re relatively new to the band circuit. But they’re good.”  
  
Oikawa let out a _hmm._ “Well I guess we have some competition, then.” He began to walk past Tobio, his steps long and deliberate. “Can’t wait to see what you’ll bring to the live.”   
  
Tobio turned on his heel, but they were already well down the hallway. “How do you know about the live?”   
  
Oikawa shot him a peace sign and a wink. “I have my ways.”   
  
“They posted the set list online,” Iwaizumi said. 

“Iwa-chan, you ruined the suspense!” Oikawa turned back to Tobio and pointed a finger straight at him. “My little protege. I want to see how you’ve grown. You better not disappoint, you prodigy. Now we have to go and get to our own rehearsal but remember I’ll be keeping an eye out for you.”  
  
Iwaizumi gave him a subtle bow before moving Oikawa’s hand away by lacing their fingers together. So they were dating. 

It wasn’t much of a surprise considering how close they were and in a strange way it gave Tobio hope. If two of the most talented guitar players he knew were dating and in a band, then what was to stop Tobio from doing the same?

 _Well, only if he likes you back,_ Tobio told himself. 

As if on cue, Hinata came bounding down the hall. They locked eyes for a split second before they simultaneously took off towards the studio. Down some halls, up two flights of stairs and then make an immediate right, the fourth door was their studio. Why Tobio did childish things like race Hinata, he really wasn’t sure. It was a lot easier to interact with him like this than admit the feelings coursing inside of him. 

Tobio managed to secure a victory and reached the door first. They both doubled over with heavy breaths and slumped to the floor. 

“I win,” Tobio declared, still panting. 

Hinata groaned. “I’ll win next time.” Hinata sat up a little bit, shifting his guitar to his lap and clutching it close. “Who were those two guys that I passed on the way here? One of them stuck his tongue out at me.”

“That’s Oikawa. I pretty much learned everything from him” Tobio said. 

“Woah! So if you’re the King then Oikawa must be the Great King right?”

Tobio grabbed Hinata’s arm. “Don’t call me King.”

Hinata burst into happy laughter. “Don’t worry Kageyama, King is a compliment. Who says it’s a bad thing in the first place? If anything, to me you’re the King for good reasons not bad.”

Tobio’s heart could have melted on the spot. He was totally, irreversibly, undeniably in love. 

\---

“I’m home,” Kei called to what he assumed was an empty house. His parents’ cars weren’t in the driveway and the house was dark save for a single light upstairs. He should have just left then, texted his parents he was spending the night at Yamaguchi’s, and put an end to the whole affair. But a figure creeped downstairs and nearly scared Kei half to death. 

“Welcome home, Kei.” 

It was Akiteru. His brother. The brother he hadn’t talked to over a year. The brother that showed him why you can never get too attached to something, why you can never put emotions into music, why you can never think that a band is anything more than just that, a band. 

The last thing he needed was a reminder of that gut-wrenching, agonizing moment when Kei’s world came shattered down in a million tiny glass fragments. That look on Akiteru’s face when his dirty secret was discovered. 

Kei avoided Akiteru’s gaze and pushed past him. 

He didn’t need a fight right now. He needed to focus on improving his bass part and adding more emphasis to the bridge. But didn’t that just prove Akiteru right? 

“Mom told me that you’re in a band,” Akiteru stated flatly. 

Kei stopped at the top of the stairs, back turned towards his brother. “I’m in orchestra.”  
  
“Pssh, you’re carrying a bass right now, I can see it.”   
  
Kei readjusted the strap. “This is a cello.”   
  
“Kei, can we please talk?” Akiteru pleaded. “I think we have a lot to discuss. I’m in a band now, too.”   
  
Kei turned quickly on his heel. “Seriously? After all you went through you went straight back to music?”   
  
“Didn’t you?”   
  
Kei gnawed on his lip. He hated this. He wanted to be anywhere but here. His body wouldn’t respond. He was trapped. He couldn’t do anything. 

“There’s something about music that keeps bringing me back, despite what happened,” Akiteru said, his voice calm yet firm. “I think for me, it’s performing. Even though I didn’t get to do it very often, I loved the feeling of being on stage with my band around me. It might be something different for you, but there’s got to be something that drew you in. Something that makes you think I never want this to end.”  
  
“There’s not.”

Kei pushed down the emotions. He pushed down his thoughts. He pushed down any inkling that might lead him to more pain. 

It was only a band, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session eight: Creep


	8. Creep

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg hello everyone! as always thanks a ton for reading and sticking with the fic
> 
> I have some other fics I'd love for you to check out as well! I just posted a little angsty tsukkiyama drabble the other day but I have comedy, fluff, and (mild) smut too if that's the thing ur in the mood for haha
> 
> I digress anyways thanks and enjoy!!

Time seemed to drip, drip, drip away like the water running from a leaky faucet. It was uncontrollable yet unnoticeable and before Tadashi knew it, his life was flooding like a bathroom floor. Even if he tried to keep dry and remain unaffected from the situation, he couldn’t neglect the fact that his life was no longer the same. 

Summer beat down heavy now, the air constantly humid and hot. Tadashi, generally, liked the Summer but he despised the sun. The sun sure liked him though as new freckles seemed to appear every day. It would have been one thing if he just tanned easily but the combination of the two made Tadashi want to never emerge into daylight again. He never considered himself particularly attractive but Summer only escalated those feelings. 

As days stretched longer, the live show neared. Tadashi almost couldn’t believe the progress they had made in the short time since they formed the band. Hinata had started out as a complete rookie but now could pass as an actual player. Kageyama and Tsukki had always been good, but recently their playing appeared beyond that; they were verging on professional. And while Tadashi didn’t like to recognize his progress, even he could see his own improvement. They were a solid unit all growing for the better. 

The only issue remained in Hinata’s song. 

A week away from the show and he still hadn’t written down a single lyric. Kageyama pestered him every practice about if he’d had  _ anything  _ but the answer was always no. Tadashi wanted to help but he knew he’d only make the situation worse. This was Hinata’s problem to figure out. Tadashi may not have known Hinata for very long, but he could tell there was something he was dying to say. The song was the perfect opportunity to say it. 

Still, it was difficult to see him struggle this much with the lyrics. Surely Kageyama was just nervous for the show but his incessant beatdowns weren’t helping any. Their fights took up too much practice time and with each one Tsukki seemed to withdraw even further from the band. It was like he wasn't even present anymore; h is mind was a million miles away in a galaxy unknown. 

Tadashi gathered up his courage. Kageyama's shouts nearly shook the room and it couldn't go on any further. 

“We should take a break,” he announced between fights. There were only a handful of days left until the live show and frankly it was the only solution Tadashi managed to come up with in order to prepare. They couldn’t realistically put on a show like this. 

Kageyama turned quickly on his heel, his face warped into anger. “What do you mean take a break?”   
  
Tadashi turned his gaze down to his hands. The tape on his drumstick was peeling slightly; he’d probably have to redo both of them or get some new ones before the show. The blisters on his hands had faded slightly, but he feared they would open up again at the worst possible moment. 

Kageyama was still staring. 

“I-I just think that maybe what’s best for all of us right now is a little time off,” Tadashi admitted. “I mean the goal was to improve Hinata’s playing enough so that he could perform comfortably with the rest of us and he’s gotten there.”

Kageyama shifted his weight. “Barely. We need more reps on the song before we play it live.”   
  
“Yamaguchi’s right,” Tsukki said, pushing up his glasses. Tadashi raised his head. “It’s dangerous to overwork ourselves right before a show.”   
  
“Of course you would say that,” Kageyama growled back. “You never practice outside of rehearsal. No, we need all the time we can get in the studio.”   
  
“Have you considered maybe the reason that Hinata doesn’t have any lyrics is due to the fact that he has no time to work on them? Certainly that must have run through your small brain at some point.”   
  
Kageyama huffed hot air. “Fine. If that's what you two want, we’ll stop practicing together. We better have our shit together before Sunday, though.” He turned glare of death towards Hinata. 

“I-I’ll finish the lyrics,” Hinata insisted with uncertainty. “I just have to figure out what I want to say, ya know?”   
  
Kageyama furrowed his brows. He shot his eyes to Tadashi. “Downstairs. Now.”

From that single look alone, Tadashi broke into a cold sweat. The same fear that coursed through his veins when Kageyama had first called him out for tapping in class had reappeared. He gave Tsukki a little shrug as if to say  _ I have no idea what he’s going on about.  _

Tsukki gave him a sigh that said  _ He’s helpless.  _

Kageyama stormed out of the room and Tadashi was quick on his trail, struggling to pack together all of his items as they made their way downstairs and outside. The sun had set long ago, lucky for Tadashi, but the awful humidity remained and made his shirt cling to the back of his neck. He was already sweating from thinking about what this talk may entail, he didn’t need the climate to aid any. 

Kageyama kept walking, his pace a little too brisk for Tadashi to follow along comfortably, until eventually he landed at a convenience store with a few tables outside. Tadashi awkwardly made his way towards the table while Kageyama bought milk from one of the outdoor vending machines (seriously, how much milk could this guy drink?). 

He tossed one to Tadashi and came to rest on top of the table. Tadashi took a careful sip— it was strawberry flavored. Tsukki’s favorite. It reminded him of Summer days long ago when they mapped out the exact midway point between Tsukki’s house and Tadashi’s apartment. They got lucky to find it was a small strip of shops including a convenience store that always had strawberry milk on hand. Summers used to be filled with strawberry milk and onigiri and sunscreen and swimming pools and laughter and constellations. Tadashi wanted to return to those simple, simple days. 

He sucked on the milk, calming his nerves. Kageyama definitely had no idea what it meant as he slurped down his own. 

“I think I might be in love with Hinata,” Kageyama blurted out. 

Tadashi nearly choked on his drink. “Huh?”

“I don’t get why he doesn’t have ay lyrics down like it’s not  _ that  _ hard to—”   
  
Tadashi waved his arms back and forth. “Hold on, hold on, go back to what you just said.” Kageyama kept drinking. “You’re in love with Hinata?”   
  
Kageyama finished the last of milk. “Yeah and?”   
  
“And have you considered telling him? Maybe that’s the boost he needs when it comes to lyrics.”   
  
Kageyama got up from the table and threw away his drink. “Have you ever been in love? Because it fucking sucks. My brain is filled up with these stupid thoughts about his dumb face and my hands shake when I think about him which makes my playing all shitty and I get all sweaty and it’s disgusting. I hate it.”   
  
Tadashi was sort of surprised to see Kageyama open up like this. He really didn’t take him as the type of person to air out his thoughts with words, let alone to Tadashi of all people. It did make him wonder though if Kageyama even had anyone else to talk about this kind of stuff with. How long had he been keeping this all inside?

Tadashi wasn’t even the right person to ask. He’d never been in love. Or at least he thought he’d never been. Sure little crushes had popped up here and there but he was terrified of actually facing those feelings. Confessing his love to someone? Yeah right, he’d rather die than face the embarrassment that’d come when he would be inevitably rejected. No, love wasn’t something Tadashi experienced. At least in a romantic sense. 

But having all-consuming thoughts? Shaky hands? He only got that way when Tsukki was around. But Tadashi wasn’t in love with Tsukki—he was Tsukki. Tadashi was more grateful for the fact that Tsukki showed up in his life in the first place. Not only did he save Tadashi from a gang of bullies, but he introduced him into the world of music. He gave him the key to controlling his pent-up anxiety and assured him that he would always be around. 

And yeah, maybe Tadashi was terrified of the day that Tsukki would realize that he was purely a pest living off his back. That Tadashi was nothing more than that same clingy kid who needed validation and protection and someone to rely on. 

But could those emotions really be considered love?   


Tadashi ignored the thought for the moment and instead focused his attention back on Kageyama who was still ranting about how much he hated (loved?) Hinata. 

“—And his laugh sounds like screeching tires. I  _ hate  _ it,” Kageyama grumbled. 

“Kageyama I’m sort of clueless when it comes to love,” Tadashi admitted, “but I know this much: you have to tell him. Maybe not right away, but you can’t hide it forever. If you do, it’ll all boil over one day and before you know it you’re gonna do something you regret.”   
  
Tadashi didn’t know much about love but he was an expert in being nervous. The way Kageyama held himself with scrunched shoulders and wobbling fingers were dead give aways.

“Hinata lost a close friend last year and I think he’s still coping with it,” Kageyama said with a low voice. “I’m not good at comforting other people.”   
  
“I don’t think Hinata is the type to care very much about the little details. As long as you’re there when he needs you, right?”

Kageyama nodded. “I wrote that stupid song for him and he can’t even finish the goddamn lyrics.”   
  
“It’s hard to verbalize your feelings,” Tadashi assured. “Hinata’s still super new to everything and he’s doing well despite all of that. Cut him a little slack, maybe?”   
  
Kageyama furrowed his brows, making Tadashi involuntarily flinch. 

“I want to make more music with him.”   
  
Tadashi sipped on his strawberry milk a little bit more. Now that was a feeling he understood with all certainty. Though it pained him admit, he really didn’t want to take a week off from practice. He desperately wanted to spend all of his time in that small studio playing endless melodies with Tsukki by his side. Even just an hour, a minute, a second more of making music with Tsukki. That little grin on his face when he turned back to see Tadashi had been there all along. 

But that wasn’t love, right?

\---

Kei frowned as the door slammed behind Yamaguchi. The last thing he needed was to be trapped inside a room with Hinata. He began to gather up his things quickly so he could leave before some dreadful conversation began. 

“Say, Tsukishima,” Hinata began with curiosity creeping in his voice. Kei truly tried his hardest to ignore him. “Do you really not practice outside of our rehearsals?”   
  
Kei slammed his case shut. He turned to Hinata with a forced, thin smile on his lips. “It’s not like I have time to practice when all I’m able to do is go to school, rehearsal, and work.”   
  
“Okay yeah  _ same  _ but like, why don’t you practice?”   
  
Kei couldn’t control his eye roll or the heavy sigh that came out of him. “Because I don’t want to, Shrimp. Now please refrain from interrogating me over senseless matters, I have better things to attend to.”

“Like practicing?” Hinata cooed. 

If Kei was a naturally violent person, it may have surfaced in that moment. Instead he slung his case over his shoulder and made his way out of the studio. Hinata was quick to follow him, chattering on about pointless things. If the guy could talk so much about such trivialities then why couldn’t he manage to write down some lyrics? Kei could understand that it would take some time, but the live show was a week away. The whole point of creating this band was to show off Hinata’s vocal skills—would they truly go on without them?

His curiosity got the better of him. When they exited the building, Yamaguchi and Kageyama were nowhere in sight. It wasn’t the first time Kei had to go home alone but he generally preferred to stay with someone. Loners were often the victims of crimes. It wasn’t like he specifically enjoyed Yamaguchi’s company on late night excursions where laughter would become conversation. No, not at all. It was purely a routine that Kei had become adjusted to. 

“Why haven’t you finished the lyrics?” Kei asked bluntly. 

Hinata flinched. “I-It’s not like I’m not trying, Stingyshima! It’s hard!”   


“Certainly you must have at least a verse done.”

Hinata shook his head. 

Kei’s expression drooped into resentment. “Not even a line?”   


“I don’t have a single word,” Hinata stated with a little too much confidence considering what he was actually saying. “I have lots of ideas, though. It’s just like every time I try to write them down nothing really comes to mind. I’m not super sure why though.”   
  
Kei could tell that last part was a blatant lie. Beneath that annoying smile and sunshiney personality, there was a darkness to Hinata that even Kei could pick up on. What kind of trauma he was hiding in that small body of his was truly beyond Kei’s comprehension but he recognized the pain nonetheless. He wore all of his emotions out for the world to see. It was truly stupid how much he could give away. 

Hinata huffed. “Do you ever have a bunch of emotions swirling inside of your head and it makes you go all  _ blah  _ and you don’t know what to do with them?” 

“No,” Kei replied curtly. 

“Well I do. And I thought songwriting would let me, ya know, get all of my feelings and stuff out but it doesn’t really.” Hinata turned his head upwards, towards Kei. “How do you deal with all of your emotions and everything? Like do you pour it all into your songwriting or something?”   
  
This was probably the last discussion that Kei ever wanted to have and with  _ Hinata  _ of all people. God, what he would give to be on the train ride home with Yamaguchi right now. At least he always knew where to prod and what to leave alone. Kei’s emotions? Completely off-limits. 

“I don’t put emotion into music,” Kei explained with irritation dripping in his voice. “Now I’ll be—”

“How could you even say that?” Hinata shouted, his eyes going big. “I thought music was all about emotions! You should try and put some in, maybe you’ll be a better player.”   
  
Kei’s eye twitched. Was this rookie  _ really  _ trying to lecture him on how to become a better player? Sure Hinata had the raw, abounding talent that Kei had once craved in childhood but that gave him no right to suggest that  _ emotion _ was the thing his music was lacking. A simply ridiculous proposition. 

Hinata began to sweat. “I mean I don’t think I’m better than you or anything, all I’m saying is that when I sing it releases a lot of pent up emotions ya know? Even just putting more heart into playing should make you improve a ton, Stingyshima!”   


Kei ignored the bright smile. “Whatever,” he sighed. “I’m perfectly comfortable with my current play style.”

Hinata just let out a little laugh. “Okay, if you say so. I mean since we’re not practicing this week it wouldn’t kill you to try,” he let out his last words as a sort of tune. Damn his good voice. He took a few steps backwards and began to wave. “Don’t forget to practice, Stingyshima!” 

Before Kei could come up with a clever retort, Hinata was already well down the road. 

He let out a heavy breath. Idiotic Hinata with his idiotic solutions. Even if Kei were to dip down into his emotions to play, what good what that truly bring? What could he possibly use that wouldn’t just open the floodgates for Kei to be a blubbering mess. 

No, he was comfortable keeping it all down. Happiness, sadness, fear, anger, empathy, concern, love. 

Kei bit his lip. 

Love. 

Was… was that something he could rely on?

\---

_ Kei stopped in his tracks.  _

_ A small boy with moppy brown hair and wide eyes stared into the shop windows like he was looking at a candy emporium. Instead, the displays were filled with new instruments and CDs that Kei had come to memorize over the last few weeks.  _

_ Kei couldn’t deny the boy was sort of adorable—in a lost puppy sort of way. Yamaguchi Tadashi. Even the name sounded cute.  _

_ “Hey,” Kei said.  _

_ Yamaguchi jumped back from the window. He was covered in a million magnificent freckles; it was like Kei was staring directly at the night sky. Yamaguchi gave a quick bow before his face lit up with even more excitement.  _

_ “I didn’t think you would actually come,” he admitted, scratching the back of his head. _

_ Kei pouted. “Why wouldn’t I come?” _

_ Yamaguchi’s nervous smile wavered. “It’s nothing really. It’s just that I’ve never had anyone invite me out before, especially to a cool place like this! I really, really want to check out the other stores here too.” _

_ To Kei, this shopping district was like any other in Japan. To Yamaguchi, it was a whole new world that he’d yet to discover. Kei wanted to show it all to him.  _

_ “Let’s go inside,” Kei said, grabbing Tadashi by the wrist. He flinched at the contact at first, but soon allowed himself to be dragged along. _

_ Inside was another realm all together. CDs from every type of music imaginable lined the shelves while an old record stand sat at the center. Guitars, basses, keyboards, drums, and more were pushed against and hung on the walls. Amps littered the floor while cables hung from the ceiling like vines. American rock played over the loud speakers, drowned out by the sound of a band jamming out in the back studio.  _

_ Tadashi’s big, brown eyes took all of it in with a sense of awe.  _

_ “Hey Kei!” Akiteru called from behind the counter. Kei’s brother had been working here for a little while now to help pay for his band’s various fees. Kei loved it because it gave him an excuse to come browse through the aisles and listen to whatever music he could get his hands on. The manager doted on him and thought that a young kid in the store was only good for business so she let it slide.  _

_ Akiteru leaned over the counter. “You must be the Tadashi that Kei’s told me so much about! I’m Akiteru.” _

_ Kei could feel heat begin to rise to his face. “Shut up, Ni-chan,” he muttered, avoiding Yamaguchi’s gaze.  _

_ Akiteru let out a hearty laugh. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. It is nice to meet you though, Tadashi. Kei hasn’t ever brought someone to the shop.” _

_ “Ni-chan!” _

_ Yamaguchi let out a breath. “I-It’s nice to meet you too, Akiteru-san!” _

_ “So you’re looking for an instrument to learn?” Akiteru rounded the counter and began roaming through the scattered items. “Have anything in mind?” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Yamaguchi shook his head. “I don’t know anything about playing music…” _

_ “Well then let’s learn a little!” _

_ The afternoon was spent introducing Yamaguchi to all kinds of different bands and instruments. The store had an abundance of different things to try out and countless albums to listen to. They started with the classics and made their way through the eras of music. Each song brought a new look of bewilderment on Yamaguchi’s face that Kei really couldn’t get enough of. He adored seeing his nose scrunch at music he disliked or seeing his shoulders relax to songs he enjoyed. If Yamaguchi thought he was savoring the moment, it wasn’t half as much as Kei.  _

_ “Tsukishima—er… Kei-kun?” Yamaguchi tested. Kei shot him a look. “Tsukki maybe?” _

_ “I like that,” Kei decided.  _

_ Yamaguchi’s smile widened. “Okay then. Tsukki, what instrument do you play?” _

_ “I play cello for the school orchestra but Ni-chan is also teaching me bass guitar.” _

_ Yamaguchi took a careful step forward. He was so much shorter than Kei right now, but he had a feeling Yamaguchi wouldn’t be too far behind.  _

_ “Can you play bass for me? _

_ If Kei hadn’t been brilliantly blushing before, now his ears and nose became pink in a second. He wanted to reject the idea, considering he was still so new at the instrument but he honestly couldn’t find it in himself to say no. _

_ Luckily, the band practicing at the back were on break. They happily greeted Kei and Yamaguchi with open arms and helped to set Kei up with a borrowed bass. He’d never used this type of model before so it took a few moments before he could actually begin to play. _

_ Once he plucked that first note, something resonated inside his chest. Yamaguchi gave him a look full of hope and awe that just screamed  _ keep going.  _ So he did. He played the only song he knew by heart, an English riff that was good for beginners, and despite the mistakes Yamaguchi just kept smiling. It warmed Kei’s heart. He could feel himself playing better just from Yamaguchi at his side.  _

_ He finished with a powerful chord. The silence was filled with joyous applause from Yamaguchi and a round of compliments from the band members. Even with their back slaps and noogies, nothing meant more to Kei than the admiration on Yamaguchi’s face.  _

_ “I think I want to learn how to play bass too,” Yamaguchi said, walking closer to Kei.  _

_ One of the band members, a woman with bleached hair and piercings, let out a  _ hmm.  _ “If you two wanna play together, it’s probably not a good idea. Have you thought about drums?” She motioned towards the kit at the back of the studio. It was intimidating to say the least with a skull as the bass drum head. _

_ Tadashi rapidly shook his head and hands. “No I could never! I-It’s so loud and I don’t think I would be very good.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Drums are good for people who have a lot of pent up energy,” she explained, crouching down to meet Tadashi at eye level. “Look, your hands are shaking right now.” _

_ It was true. Yamaguchi quickly hooked his arms around his back but Kei could still see them tremble.  _

_ “I have a lot of anxiety myself but drumming lets me channel it all into a healthy manner. Wanna at least give it a try?” _

_ Yamaguchi shot a nervous glare towards Kei. He gave him a firm nod back. “Try it. If you get scared, I'll be right in front of you." _

_ Yamaguchi turned back to the drummer. “I guess I could try…” _

_ “Attaboy!” _

_ She lead him to the kit and adjusted the seat so he could actually reach the pedals and the drums. It was all still too big for him, but Kei had no doubt that one day he’d see a grown Yamaguchi behind a drum set. The drummer took her time showing him how to hold the sticks and hit the head but eventually let him go free.  _

_ Kei could see the tension in his shoulders at first. He initially winced at every hit but soon the noises became common and Yamaguchi was drumming out with total inaccuracy but total freedom. The change was instantaneous. He transformed from this small kid scared inside of his own body to this raging spirit able to crash on snares and cymbals.  _

_ Not to mention the amazing smile that was plastered from ear to ear. This was happiness. This was life.  _

_ This was…  _

\---

The Summer Solstice had never been a special day in Tobio’s life before. It was simply a day where the sun shone a little longer and marked the official start of Summer. But now Tobio faced the day with a new sense of anxiety as June 21st also marked Hinata’s birthday. 

He came to school that day, his nerves worse than if he had any sort of test. While the full recording of Hinata’s song aided in quelling some of that fear, the fact was Tobio was desperately in love with Hinata and wanted to give him only the best. 

In a way, Tobio was grateful for the week off of rehearsal. It gave him the time to work and save money for something that Hinata could actually appreciate. But he had no clue what kind of gift to actually get him. Guitar picks? Food? Milk? What kind of things did people like Hinata even like?

Tobio aggressively shook his head. He’d be fine. Hinata didn’t care about the little stuff. 

He walked along the edge of the gym, trying his best to avoid the blatant pleas of Tanaka and Nishinoya to play volleyball. Daichi and Ennoshita came to restrain them and gave Tobio a nice wave as he entered the staircase like so many days before. 

Hinata sat at the top of the steps, lighting strumming his guitar. He emitted this sort of somberness as he played their song. He hummed out some lyrics that Tobio couldn’t distinguish. While sadness flowed off of Hinata, there was a beauty in his actions. They way his fingers easily worked the guitar with a comfortability that shouldn’t be characteristic of a beginner. It was like Hinata was made to play music—his entire body was sculpted to perfectly curl around a guitar and produce a beautiful sound when paired with his voice. 

The door slammed shit behind Tobio. He flinched. 

Hinata paused mid-strum, turning his attention to Tobio. “Hi, Kageyama!” He said with a feigned excitement. 

Tobio ascended the stairs and came to rest across from Hinata. “Happy Birthday, dumbass.”

Hinata gave him a small smile. He pushed his guitar off his lap and let his hands rest together. “Thanks. I didn’t think you guys even knew about it.”   
  
“Yachi pestered us all about it,” Tobio replied. It was mostly true; she was the one that informed him in the first place of the date but Tobio had pestered himself about ever since.

Tobio presented Hinata with a small, poorly wrapped box. He raised an eyebrow. “What’s that?”

“Your gift, dumbass,” Tobio replied gruffly. He could feel the heat rise to his cheeks. 

Hinata let out a happy giggle. “Kageyama, you really didn’t have to get anything for me. I’m happy just being in the band with you.”

“Well I can’t take it back so it’s yours now. Plus this will help you with the band so you have to take it.”

Hinata carefully undid the packaging to reveal a small, red contraption he stared at with complete confusion. “Thanks Kageyama, I always wanted a… thingy like this.”   
  
“It’s an effect pedal,” Kageyama explained. 

Hinata blinked.

“You plug your guitar into this and then plug the pedal into an amp. It produces all kinds of different effects. It’s an essential tool for any good guitar player.”   
  
“And you got it for me?” Hinata beamed. Tobio thought he was staring directly at the sun. “How much did you even pay for this kinda thing? Looks expensive.”   
  
“When you get a gift you’re not supposed to ask about things like that,” Tobio chided. 

Hinata leaped forward and wrapped his arms around Tobio. He recoiled at the initial touch; he couldn’t even remember the last time he was hugged. Was this even how you were supposed to embrace someone? Tobio moved to wrap his own arms around Hinata but they were squeezed against his sides. Hinata nustled his head further into Tobio’s shoulder. His breath was beginning to restrict but he didn’t even mind. He wanted to stay here for all eternity. 

Still attached, Hinata peered up to meet Tobio’s eyes. “Thank you. Seriously, thank you.”

Tobio managed to remove his arms and pulled Hinata in close. Despite the blush pooled in his cheeks and the swirl of emotions running through his chest, Tobio knew that he never wanted to let Hinata go again. 

\---

Shouyou  _ used _ to love his birthday. He used to make a big deal about the day and draw all of the attention he could to himself. He used to love being showered with endless gifts and spending time with his family and friends. He used to look forward to day for months and relish every moment. 

Now his birthday served as a sort of cruel reminder. Had it already been a whole year since he began dating Atsumu? Since he pulled Shouyou away from his little birthday get together and kissed him underneath the stars? Since Atsumu admitted how long he’d been wanting to kiss him and that he thought they would be great together?   
  
It was still a fond memory, but now one that weighed heavy on Shouyou’s chest. He didn’t want to celebrate a milestone like that now considering everything that had happened. He convinced his parents the best way for Shouyou to spend his birthday would be alone at home. He still needed to write his lyrics after all even though there was less than two days until the performance. 

Shouyou thumbed the effect pedal, a smile unintentionally forming on his lips. Kageyama didn’t know about any of what Shouyou was going through and had still decided to get him a nice gift like this. It was sweet—sweeter than what Shouyou deserved. 

He was so happy, genuinely and purely happy, staying in Kageyama’s arms. He wished Kageyama was here now but Shouyou had the apartment to himself per his birthday wish. It was quiet without the lively interactions of his family. 

A stern knock at the door made Shouyou perk up. Mostly everyone had already wished him Happy Birthday; Kenma and Kuroo made sure to stop by earlier that afternoon with cake, Yachi had gifted him a small keychain that morning, and even Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had teamed up to give him a gift card. That should have been everyone significant in his life… 

Shouyou opened the door and nearly had to do a double take. At first, he saw Atsumu. But with each moment he recognized the differences. The hair was grey, not blonde, the eyes were dark and moody instead of light like honey. The energy that he gave off was just completely different. 

Osamu. Atsumu’s twin. 

Like Atsumu, Shouyou had grown up with Osamu as well. They spent their youths at the same playgrounds with laughter abundant and energy high. Shouyou fondly remembered how much the twins had fought over him in childhood; each time they tried to determine who was Shouyou’s favorite he’d always give them a smile and say he liked them both. Atsumu actually bragged to Osamu after they’d become a couple and claimed that Shouyou liked him most after all. 

Truth was, before he grew romantic feelings for Atsumu, he really did like them both equally on a platonic level. But Osamu and Atsumu never seemed to get along. They’d fight constantly and one day Osamu decided enough was enough. The quintet of childhood adventures composed of Shouyou, Atsumu, Osamu, Kuroo, and Kenma, lost a member. Osamu found his own friends and left them behind. 

Of course he was always nice to Shouyou when he’d come over. It was just that he decided he could no longer associate himself with his twin’s friends. 

Shouyou hadn’t spoken to him since the funeral. It pained to look him in the eyes knowing how much he resembled Atsumu but he tried to push the thought down. They were two different people. 

“Happy Birthday, Shouyou,” Osamu said with a pressed smile. He held out a tupperware box. 

Shouyou accepted it and opened the lid. Four handcrafted, mouthwatering, delicious onigiri were there made none other than the master maker himself, Osamu. “Oh wow!” Shouyou exclaimed. “You don’t know how much I’ve missed these.”   
  
“You’re always welcome to come over and have some,” Osamu replied. 

Shouyou nodded distantly. “Want to come in?”

Osamu followed him through the door and called out his greetings. “I kind of miss your old apartment,” he commented as Shouyou showed him around. 

“I miss it too.”   
  
He didn’t miss how cramped the space was or the four flights of stairs he needed to actually reach the apartment, but he did long for those days where all of his friends were a mere walk away. They moved for the best—now Shouyou had his own space and could get to school easily but there was some nostalgia tied to his childhood that resided in that little apartment. 

They settled in the dining room and Shouyou dug into the onigiri without a second thought. Osamu had only become a better cook; it was insane how good a simple onigiri could be. He tried to help Osamu make them once but the kitchen turned into a complete disaster with a meddling Atsumu in the middle. 

“How have you been?” Osamu asked. 

“I’m okay,” Shouyou replied honestly. “To be honest my day kinda started out rough but I got a super cool gift from someone and now I feel a lot better!”   


“You’re really okay though?”

Shouyou nodded. “Really.”

“Even though Sunday is…”

“Six months?”

Osamu stayed quiet after that. He sort of just took in the room.

Shoyou had been mentally preparing himself for the anniversary. He knew it would hit hard. It didn’t exactly help that the day lined up with the live show. 

“Y’know… the day after it happened a big box of instant ramen got delivered to the house.” Osamu let out a sad chuckle. “I don’t even eat that crap but he loved it. I tried eating one the other day but I swear that it’s toxic or something I could barely keep it down. I mean, you knew him as well as I did. He was always looking for some new experience and didn’t think about the repercussions. He just really, really didn’t think it through that day. And now I have this big box of instant ramen ‘cause he wanted some new in the moment thing.”

Osamu titled his head upwards. “Ya happy, ‘Tsumu? Huh?” He shot his eyes down. “Or maybe I should say it down…”

“I’m sorry,” Shouyou breathed out. 

“For what?”   
  
“It’s my fault.”   
  
Osamu shook his head and leaned back. “It’s no one’s fault. You’re just blaming yourself since you two were so close.”

Shouyou readjusted his seating. “No, I’m serious. We got into this big argument the day before and I asked… I asked if…” The words wouldn’t surface. 

“I got into an argument with him the morning of,” Osamu admitted. “So if anything I was the final straw.”

Shouyou’s hands began to tremble. 

“Shouyou, you’re grieving,” Osamu sighed. “It takes people a long time to come to terms with everything. I can’t even handle it sometimes… so don’t be hard on yourself. We’re still in year one.”

Shouyou let out a little chuckle. “Kuroo told me the same thing.”   
  
“Yeah, don’t listen to whatever advice that guy may give you, just listen to me,” Osamu joked. “In all seriousness, take it easy. But don’t make the same mistake I did and keep everything all pent up inside.”   
  
“I’m in a band,” Shouyou blurted out.

Osamu raised an eyebrow. “Really? I… I guess I never expected you to…”

“We have a show. On Sunday. And I want you to be there.”   
  
“Really?”   
  
Shouyou nodded, his mind for the first time in over half a year completely clear. “I think I have something to say.”

\---

_ Atsumu’s eyes glistened with a sort of hope Shouyou had never seen before. A hope that exuded pure happiness and desire that was uncharacteristic for Atsumu. A sort of hope that made Shouyou’s heart warm at the sight.  _

_ On stage, the band played to their heart’s content. While Shouyou didn’t know much about bands, even he could tell how talented they were. Their lead guitarist, a teen with long black hair and a short stature, sang a dazzling tune that seemed to capture the attention of each and every audience member. Atsumu was completely enthralled with the performance.  _

_ “I want to do that!” Atsumu shouted, his voice hoarse over the pounding of the music. “I want to play music like that!” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session nine: A Winter's Story


	9. A Winter's Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for the long note I just have a lot of feelings about this chapter AHH
> 
> ok so ive been planning this fic since may and this chapter is by far what I was looking forward to the most and I really really hope that shows!! like its been playing through my head for months now and im so glad I was able to write it all out! also this fic is officially the longest thing ive ever written so im lowkey freaking out abt it
> 
> I cannot genuinely thank you all enough for the support this fic has gotten. I adore the characters and their relationships and I can't believe that other ppl wanted to read about it too!! its so wild to me!!
> 
> I think im just extra emotional when I start to consider how the haikyuu manga is coming to an end soon haha 
> 
> anyways, thank you so much for reading up to this point you all are so so so amazing!!!
> 
> !!! tw: explicit description of suicide !!!

_It was a stupid argument._

_Shouyou couldn’t even remember why they were fighting in the first place. He couldn’t remember the bite of his initial words or what Atsumu said back to him that seemed to rile them both up. He couldn’t remember the horrified expressions on Kenma and Kuroo’s faces as they watched the whole ordeal go down. He could barely remember anything from that day._

_But what he did remember was the train passing by, quick enough to almost sweep Shouyou off his feet. The air was already harsh and frigid without the sudden gust of wind. He stayed planted though, gaze locked on Atsumu._

_“Would you die for me then?” Shouyou shouted, tears threatening to spill at any second._

_But Atsumu wouldn’t turn around. He just stood there with clenched fists._

_“Hey, let’s all get inside and talk,” Kuroo instructed, his eyes rapidly switching between the two of them. “We’re all gonna get sick if we stay out here any longer.”_

_“Go ahead,” Atsumu said. “I have something to do.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“‘Tsumu, please don’t leave me,” Shouyou called after him._

_Atsumu turned finally, his face soft but his glare stern. “I would do nearly anything for you, Sho.”_

_With those words he should have come back to group. He should have stayed by Shouyou’s side. He should have said that this fight as no big deal and that everything would blow over by the morning time._

_Instead, Atsumu kept walking._

_\---_

Rehearsal didn’t go well.

Tobio knew that a week without practice wouldn’t bode well, but he went along with it in the hopes he could get Hinata a nice birthday present. Now that the consequences of that decision were actually showing, he regretted the lack of preparation. Sure he’d done his part at home and kept working on his play style but who knows what the others did? 

There was also the fact that Hinata, despite the copious time he was given, despite the help Tobio offered, despite the fact he had a great voice, despite _everything_ still didn’t have any lyrics. 

It was frustrating to say the very least. The whole reason they began this stupid band was to show off Hinata’s amazing voice. Tobio wanted everyone in the whole world to experience it but they couldn’t exactly do that without any lyrics. 

In the backstage area, other bands were warming up as well. Tobio recognized a few faces from previous shows but couldn’t bother himself to talk to them. He had his own issues to deal with. 

From across the room, Yachi made her way over with a genuine smile. “How are you guys feeling?”  
  
No one responded. Tsukishima was in his own world, headphones on and completely blocking out everyone else. Yamaguchi paced nervously back and forth, diddling his drum sticks as a way to calm himself down Tobio guessed. Hinata just sat there and cradled his guitar. For someone who could be so energetic and bouncy, the stillness made Tobio’s heart hurt. 

“I-Is something wrong?” Yachi questioned. 

Tobio couldn’t help himself. “Hinata didn’t write any lyrics,” he growled out. 

“Oh…” Yachi’s eyes nervously scanned over them. “W-what does that mean for your show?”

Tsukishima removed his headphones. “It means we go on without his lyrics. It’s only the one song that requires them; the others were supposed to be instrumental regardless. And besides, we’re scheduled for a short set so it’s not like much has changed.”  
  
Tobio crept closer to Hinata. He avoided the gaze. 

“Why didn’t you finish them?” Tobio began, trying to keep his voice low and not cause a big scene. “What more could you need from us?”  
  
“It’s not you,” Hinata said. “I couldn’t put anything down.”  
  
“It doesn’t even matter what you say, with a voice like yours people will like it regardless of the content.” 

“Guys, I don’t think we should be fighting right now,” Yamaguchi piped in. 

“It matters to me!” Hinata screamed back. He brought his guitar closer. “I want to say something important, shouldn’t that matter?”  
  
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t have anything!” Tobio’s voice had risen to a shout. He could feel the stares of the strangers but he couldn’t have cared less. “Why can’t you just say something? Anything? I know you’re holding back. Why can’t you just write about that?”  
  
“Because if I speak out it could happen again!”

It snapped. 

Tobio’s eyes dragged their way down to Hinata’s guitar, the strings broken in half. They’d been wound so tightly that Tobio hadn’t even noticed they were on the verge of collapsing. He should have seen it coming, he should have known something like this would happen he should have—

“Oh my god,” Yachi squeaked, face in complete horror. Even Tsukishima’s expression was grim. 

“Do you have any extra?” Yamaguchi asked, voice trembling. 

Tobio numbly shook his head. 

Yamaguchi stepped forward, holding his drumsticks close. He took in the whole situation and let out a breath. “Yachi, could you go let the stage manager know we’ll need our time slot to be bumped down? Either that or we need the band before us to do an encore. Basically, just buy us time. Hinata, leave your guitar here and go splash some water on your face. Get back to a performing mindset. Kageyama, run down to the music shop next to the train station and buy Hinata some new strings. We can’t go on without them.”

They all stared at Yamaguchi, a collective shock settling. 

“D-Don’t just look at me,” he said, his confidence from the moment before waning. “Go.”

\---

Kageyama took off in an immediate sprint. Hinata, slightly dazed, set down his guitar and left in the other direction. Yachi gave him a little salute and made her way through the milling crowd of performers. 

Tadashi let out a huge breath.

“Anything for me, captain?” Tsukki asked slyly. 

Tadashi couldn’t even manage to give him a real reply. He sort of stumbled away from the crowd as his heart began to thrum against his chest. He genuinely despised his little bouts of confidence; they might have gotten the job done but they always left him shakier than necessary. 

He found an isolated bench in one of the back hallways. Most people were congregated in the green room space, leaving Tadashi completely alone with his racing thoughts and shaky hands. He unconsciously began to tap a beat against his thigh. 

Footsteps echoed further down the hall. Tadashi tried to ignore them and kept his head low. He simply focused on the constant beat of the steps and merged his tapping to its rhythm. 

The steps abruptly stopped when a figure paused in front of him. Tadashi raised his head only to find that it was Tsukki. He collapsed next to him on the bench and allowed his head to loll onto Tadashi’s shoulder. 

Tadashi’s heartbeat somehow managed to quicken. “T-Tsukki?” He asked, very acutely aware of how close they were. This wasn’t some crowded train where they were forced to be close or an accidental brush of hands as they walked home together. No, out of all of the places Tsukki could have rested in this empty hallway, he chose to be side-by-side with Tadashi. Their thighs were pressed together and Tsukki’s arms came dangerously close to being in Tadashi’s lap. It was almost too much to handle. 

“How do you always manage to save everyone?” Tsukki asked in a low whisper. 

Tadashi, still as a log as to not disturb Tsukki, let out a huff of air. “What do you mean?”  
  
“I mean you always manage to say the right thing at the right time and take care of everyone else around you,” Tsukki explained. “Try thinking of yourself first.”  
  
“Tsukki, I don’t know what you mean…”

“Of course you don’t.” Tsukki let out a low chuckle. “You’re too busy thinking about what I need.”

Tadashi wanted to laugh. He was horribly selfish; he practically begged Tsukki to stay in the band all because he wanted to see him play. He was constantly doing these greedy acts so that he could do the things he wanted. What kind of person even forced their best friend to join a band when it was the one thing they didn’t want to do?

They sat there for a while, their breathing patterns eventually coming to rest together. With Tsukki by his side, Tadashi’s hands eventually stopped their shaking. It was silent between them but they didn’t need words to communicate anymore. Tsukki tapped three times against the back of Tadashi’s hands as a way of saying _you’ll be okay._

Tsukki lifted his head a tad, keeping it close to Tadashi’s. Their noses were nearly touching. Tsukki’s golden eyes had little specks of dark brown in them. Who knew after all these years that Tadashi could find something new about Tsukki? He’d memorized his face long ago and yet those little dots spoke to him. He could almost… 

“Tsukishima! Yamaguchi!” 

They pulled away rapidly, each hitting opposing sides of the bench. Tadashi could feel blush creep onto his neck and ears. Oh _god_ what was he about to do?

Yachi appeared before them, a little out of breath and holding a slip of paper. She handed it off to Tadashi and gave him a thumbs-up. 

“I convinced the second to last band to swap times,” she huffed out with a small smile. “You have about twenty more minutes until you go on now. I just hope Kageyama can get back before then…”

Tadashi shook his head. He stood up and placed a hand on Yachi’s shoulder. “You did great, thank you Yachi-san.”

She beamed back. 

Tadashi turned back to Tsukki but his expression had soured. He rose silently and began to walk past them.

“Let’s get this over with,” he called over his shoulder. 

Tadashi did what he always did. He bounced along Tsukki’s side despite his brash temperament with a sweet smile that counteracted the acidity. 

“Let’s do this, Tsukki!”

\---

Shouyou’s steps were small as he dazedly walked towards… wherever he was trying to go. What was he even trying to do? Was he really incapable of simply _walking_? The hallways seemed to twist and turn and his hands were shaky and there were people everywhere and he needed to calm down but he couldn’t calm down and—

Shouyou slammed into something. Or rather, someone. 

He fell backwards, the collision with the floor managing to sober him up a bit. The walls were still swirling but two figures came into view. 

“Whoa there little guy,” an unknown voice laughed. “Did you get lost or something? Where are your parents?”

“Bokuto-san, I think he’s a high schooler,” another voice commented. 

“Huh? Really?”

Shouyou blinked, his vision finally beginning to focus. Leaning over him were two high-school age boys. One of them was relatively built with hair done up in two-toned spikes. The other had dark hair and eyes but didn’t seem menacing at all; pretty was a better word to describe him. They both, however, had a look of genuine concern wrapped on their face. 

The two-toned hair fella pressed in closer. “Are you okay? Agkaaashii, oh my god, I think I killed him. I knew this would happen one day.”  
  
“Bokuto-san, you can’t kill someone from bumping into them,” the pretty one chided. 

Shouyou sat up, rubbing the back of his head. “I’m fine! I should’ve been looking where I was walking.”  
  
Two-Tone patted his back. “No worries bud! What’s your name?”  
  
“I’m Hinata.”  
  
“Cool name! I’m Bokuto and this is Agkaaashii.”  
  
“Akaashi,” the pretty one corrected. 

Bokuto raised an eyebrow. “That’s what I said? I know your name, Agkaaashii. I’m not super smart but I’m definitely not stupid. The least I can do is know my boyfriend’s name.” 

Akaashi averted his gaze. 

“Isn’t he just the most beautiful-est guy you’ve ever seen?” Bokuto asked, his intentions genuine and true. 

“Bokuto-san, now is not the time,” Akaashi sighed, a little pink collecting in his high cheekbones. 

Bokuto snapped back to reality. “Oh you’re right. Sorry about that Hinata. What’s wrong? You look, like, super upset about something.”

It might have been easier to name all of the things going right in his world, of which there were very few. Shouyou supposed he was grateful that Bokuto and Akaashi seemed like nice people who actually cared about his well being. 

Shouyou didn’t want to face the fact that he disappointed his band. They had all joined on the premise that he would be able to exhibit his voice. But despite Kageyama’s help, despite the encouragement (even if it was subtle) from Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, despite his discussion with Osamu, Shouyou was simply incapable. 

He wanted to cry. He wanted tears to flood over him and overtake him and leave him a blubbering mess. He wanted to get it all out. But his body betrayed him. 

“You don’t have to speak about it if you prefer,” Akaashi assured in a soothing voice. 

“It’s fine,” Shouyou said, pulling his knees in close. “I just think I’m letting my band members down right now. I’m letting… well… everyone down right now.”  
  
Bokuto nodded. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. Bands can be kinda tricky. People get really riled up over little things because there’s so much passion that goes into making music. I can get really depressed when things don’t go my way. But everything happens for a reason! At the end of the day it all turns out okay! Right, Agkaaashii?”  
  
Akaashi let out a little sigh. “It’s hard to not overthink things, but Bokuto-san is right. It’s about using those experiences to propel yourself.”  
  
Coincidence was such a funny little thing. These complete strangers were telling Shouyou everything that he needed to hear. How many more people though were needed to convince him to just let it all out? To free himself of this false jail that he entrapped himself in? To finally say goodbye to Atsumu even though they never got a true resolution. 

Bokuto offered out his hand and helped Shouyou to stand. He slapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, hey, hey! Don’t forget to smile! People love it when you smile on stage. Making music should be fun!”  
  
Shouyou gave him a little grin. “Thank you. Seriously. And I’m really sorry for bumping into you earlier.”  
  
“Oh that? I’ve already forgotten about it, ahaha!” Bokuto bellowed. “Do you need us to walk you back anywhere? We’re heading to the audience if you need help finding your friends or anyone.”  
  
Shouyou shook his head. “I appreciate the help but I think I should be okay.”  
  
“Okie dokie! Well it was super nice to meet you Hinata!” Bokuto and Akaashi retreated back down the hallway, Bokuto with a big wave and Akaashi with a small bow. 

Shouyou knew what he needed to do. It was finally time to let everything out.

\---

Tobio had never run so fast in his entire life. 

He pushed past civilians, shouting lagged apologies as he dashed back towards the performance hall. With a new pair of strings in hand, he steadily made his way with his mind running even faster than his legs. 

_What the fuck am I doing?_

Tobio was an idiot after all. He was the one that convinced Hinata to sing in the first place. He was the one that dragged him into this messed-up world of music and for what? His own satisfaction? As a way to prevent his past mistakes from repeating? So he could have someone by his side?  
  
Tobio was just grateful that Hinata was there. Who cared if he wasn’t ready to sing? He’d get there one day. Or even if he didn’t that was fine too. All that really mattered was that Hinata was happy. If that meant he never shared his voice with the world, so be it. Tobio was perfectly content keeping it all to himself. It might have been selfish but he didn’t want to push Hinata away any more. He loved him, after all. And he could never put Hinata in pain. 

He nearly stumbled over a businessman as his thoughts really began to register. He never thought that he’d be able to care so much about another person. It was… scary. He hadn’t even told Hinata about his feelings and Tobio felt so connected to him. Maybe one day he’s actually say the words. But for now, running through the streets of Tokyo had to be enough. 

Tobio finally made his way to the performance hall. Some loud band’s music slightly echoed out onto the street. He didn’t have much time left. 

He came through the backstage door and didn’t stop running until his band was in front of him. 

“Kageyama!” Yamaguchi exclaimed as Tobio doubled over, trying his best to regain his breath. 

“H-how…” Tobio was panting hard, barely able to get out his words. “How long do we have?”  
  
“Approximately 10 minutes,” Tsukishima replied. “Better fix those strings quickly.” 

Tobio stood at last, facing Hinata. He was off against the wall, guitar laying over his lap. Tobio slid down the wall and joined him, their knees brushing in the process. Something had changed about Hinata. He seemed… at peace. 

“May I?” Tobio asked. 

Hinata nodded and handed over his guitar. 

Tobio’s hands flew over the strings and began to replace them like he’d done so many times before. It reminded him of their first meeting. He could have never guessed at the time that this sad kid sitting in a stairwell would come to mean so much to him. 

Tobio flicked his eyes up from the guitar. Hinata was staring at him closely. Tobio averted his gaze as heat rose to his ears.

He cleared his throat. “You know… a senpai once told me some good advice,” Tobio said, his voice soft. 

“Was this the Great King?” Hinata asked with a small smile. 

“…Unfortunately. He said that guitar strings and heart strings are a lot alike. You pull them taught so they can work but you risk pulling them too tight to the point where they snap. Strings work best when they have a lot of tension but too much causes damage.” Tobio raised his eyes once more, now keeping them locked with Hinata’s. “I’m sorry for putting too much pressure on you.”  
  
Hinata brushed it off. “It’s not your fault, Kageyama. You just wanted me to express myself. I’m sorry that I didn’t come to terms with it sooner.”  
  
“I wouldn’t have asked you too if I knew that this would happen, dumbass,” Tobio gruffly responded. “You’re fine playing. Let’s just go out there and finish what we started.”  
  
“Sorry to break up… whatever this is but we’re two minutes out,” Tsukishima announced. 

Tobio quickly pulled away from Hinata. He finished with the tuning and gave Hinata back his guitar. There was so much to him that was still a mystery. Why did he have this guitar in the first place? Who was that friend that Hinata lost? What was he actually thinking? Why did he let Tobio into his life?

Tobio didn’t have the answers. But he had finally accepted that he was, for once, okay with not knowing. His heart strings were pulled taught. And he deeply hoped they wouldn’t snap anytime soon. 

\---

Applause rumbled the building as the curtains drew down. The previous band, a sweaty set of twenty-somethings, laughed their way off stage as a quartet of nervous first-year high schoolers took their place. Behind those black curtains lay a world of strangers here to listen and learn. 

Shouyou let out a shaky breath. 

He’d never been on a proper stage before. Sure it was just a mess of wires, amps, and instruments but something felt different the moment he stepped on. It was somehow unreal.

“It looks like they forgot to take away the mic stand,” Kageyama commented beside him. “Just don’t worry about it, we won’t need it.”  
  
Shouyou nodded numbly. 

Kageyama grabbed his wrist. “Don’t get scared now, dumbass. As long as I’m here, you’re invincible, right?”  
  
“Right,” Shouyou affirmed, lacking the conviction in his words to make it sound true. 

He’d run through this scenario a million different times in his head. This is what he’d wanted for so long. 

This is what Atsumu had wanted for so long. 

The curtains raised. Lights flooded in, blocking Hinata’s view of the audience. He could hear their hushed whispers and building anticipation but he couldn’t make out a single face. It was just a mass of bodies collectively staring but Hinata couldn’t see them back.

Shouyou’s trembling hands instinctively pulled his guitar in closer. 

Kageyama’s constant shouts rang through his head. _Relax your shoulders. Loosen your fingers. Feel the music. Don’t be nervous, dumbass._

Yamaguchi tapped in the beat. Four clicks and they were in. 

Kageyama’s guitar started them off. A strong, incessant strum that echoed through the performance hall. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi joined in with perfect harmony that elevated the simple melody to the next level. The pure power of their playing nearly made Hinata miss his own mark.

But his fingers knew the song well. They took over and played it for him with no second thought. His mind was occupied. He was focused on the heavy burden his hands were forced to carry. He focused on his inability to cry in this moment. He focused on a winter day where his words stung as much as the frigid wind. 

He focused on Atsumu. 

Shouyou inched forward, towards the mic stand. He finally, after all this time, could say it. The words jumbling through his head formed a coherent thought. 

“ _Just like…_ ” 

Shouyou’s voice hesitated at first but gained confidence with each syllable. 

_“Snow that hasn’t completely melted in the shade…”_

\--- 

Tobio couldn’t mask the shock on his face. He couldn’t neglect the thrumming of his heart to the beat of the song or the guilt that collected in the pit in his stomach. 

Hinata was singing. 

_“I continue on with these feelings inside of me.”_

His voice was so raw but so impactful. Like a stab directly to the heart. Like a visceral, unsaid truth finally being revealed after too long. 

Hinata looked beautiful. The way his hair covered his eyes, the way the stage lights reflected off his pale skin, the way his fingers strummed over the guitar. It was all beautiful. 

_“Please tell me how I’m supposed to close the door on this love.”_

There was that matter as well: the actual content of the lyrics. It was so painfully heartbreaking to hear, Tobio couldn’t even imagine what it must feel like to be singing about it. Someone must have hurt him bad enough to the point where it had to all be released like this.

Tobio focused in on his own playing, soon becoming entranced within the performance. All he could do was support Hinata for the time being. 

\---

Kenma instinctively reached for Kuro’s hand. He wasn’t one for physical contact… well _ever_ but he needed to be holding onto someone. Kuro squeezed his hand back. 

Their faces mirrored one another: a mix of confusion and shock and melancholy that only they understood. After so many years of friendship they didn’t need words to communicate with one another. They could just lock eyes and express to each other a world of emotion. 

Beside them, Bokuto poked his head out. “ _That’s_ your friend Shouyou?” He shouted over the rampaging music. 

Kenma could only distantly nod. He focused his attention back on Shouyou. 

Was this really the same person Kenma had known for countless years? The Shouyou who managed to always have a smile on his face and a laugh to give? Who always saw the brightest side to the situation? Who was so incredibly driven he left everyone behind? Who could manage to even make Kenma of all people want to work towards something?  
  
Was he the same Shouyou who was nearly killed himself over having to deal with Atsumu’s death?

As a bystander, Kenma saw their relationship bloom. They were always close in childhood but last summer their dynamic changed. They snuck intertwined hands and childish pecks. They giggled over shoulder brushes and jokes Kenma didn’t even attempt to comprehend. They shared a private love that Kenma just happened to be a witness of. 

_“Your everything has lost its tomorrow,_

_And is now wandering eternally.”_

This wasn’t the same Shouyou that Kenma had known for years. This broken singer had been hurt and now was letting the world see his true colors. It was magnificent to hear but horrible to watch.

He was so lonely on that stage. His band mates might have been beside him, but he was all alone. Kenma pulled Kuro in closer. 

Kenma, without realizing it, felt a tear dribble down his cheek. 

_“Along with me who was unable to say goodbye or move on.”_

\---

“Who the hell is this guy,” Tooru muttered. 

The audience around him was collectively holding their breaths. They were completely engaged to this _kid,_ this insanely talented singer who had absolutely no business being in a band with Kageyama. He probably didn’t even realize the gifts he had. He probably went about life blissfully unaware of how special he actually was. 

_“Just like… a spell that still won’t break,”_

Tooru’s eyes flicked over to Kageyama. He was intense too. The little middle schooler who begged for advice and had these big dreams of performing live was finally doing what he wanted. He was playing freely. 

The other performers weren’t anything to sneeze at either. The bassist, despite his aloof appearance, had quite a bit of talent. His large stature could have overtaken the stage’s dynamic if not for the singer’s overwhelming presence. The drummer might have been the least noticeable but even he kept a steady beat for the rest of the band. 

_“Or some kind of curse, I’m still holding onto some heavy baggage.”_

Tooru looked at his own band. Could they actually compete with raw skill like this? Did they even have a _chance_ at making it against these children? Even if they weren’t performing today, who knew what the future would entail. 

Iwaizumi met Tooru’s gaze. “What.”

“It’s nothing, Iwa-chan,” Tooru sighed back but his words were totally drowned out by the band. 

_“Hey, what kind of tomorrow am I supposed to look for in this town?”_

The singer released a guttural scream. It was so densely packed of a million different emotions that it nearly knocked Tooru to his knees.

What kind of pain had he endured for this kind of expression to even be possible?

\---

_Shouyou tapped against the door in three consecutive beats like he’d done countless times before. He’d memorized everything about this little apartment. From the cute wooden welcome sign that hung on the door to the plants that lined the entryway. Everything was how it usually was, minus the fact that no one answered the door._

_Shouyou knocked again._

_Still, no answer._

_“‘Tsumu,” Shouyou called. “Let me in pleeeeaaasssseeee.”_

_Silence responded back._

_Shouyou pouted and checked his phone again. It told him Atsumu’s location was at home so why wasn’t he answering the door? Maybe he was just asleep._

_Shouyou bent down and began to search for the extra key, finding it under one of the various pots. It was supposed to be for emergencies only and Shouyou silently defended his decision. The emergency was that he really wanted to see Atsumu and apologize to him for his harsh words. Shouyou didn’t mean to push him away like that._

_“Sorry for the intrusion,” Shouyou said into the apartment, his voice seeming to echo. “‘Tsumu, where are you?”_

_Everything was still. The lights were on in the kitchen and the living room but there wasn’t a single movement in the house. Shouyou tentatively took off his shoes and began to creep his way through._

_He passed by Osamu’s room, neat and orderly minus the food wrappers left on his desk. Atsumu’s room was the complete opposite. His dark sheets were sloppily thrown onto the bed and clothes scattered the floor. His walls were lined with posters from different bands he liked. CDs and records were hastily thrown onto the book case. Photos were tacked up everywhere—Shouyou was in most of them. Kenma and Kuroo were in a lot too; the photos traced their entire history together from childhood to adolescence. Shouyou didn’t need to check but he knew there was even a photo of them kissing tucked away in the bedside drawer._

_“‘Tsumu!” Shouyou called once more._

_The apartment was so small there couldn’t have been very many places he could be. Shouyou had played enough hide-and-seek to be well aware of this fact. Shouyou even dared to peek inside his parent’s bedroom but he wasn’t even in there._

_The bathroom was the only place with a closed door._

_Shouyou rapped his knuckle against the door. “‘Tsumu?”_

_He pressed on it slightly. It gave way just a little._

_“Hey, I’m coming in.”_

_Shouyou pushed open the door._

_Red._

_There was so much red._

_Overflowing onto the ground, staining the sides of the tub, drenching Atsumu’s arms to the point where Shouyou didn’t even know if they had once been any other color than red._

_Shouyou’s legs moved for him. He collapsed beside Atsumu and began to assess everything. The razor hastily dropped onto the floor. The deep vertical gashes that simply couldn’t be undone._

_Shouyou couldn’t stop his trembling hands. They shakily pulled Atsumu upwards, blood trickling from his self-inflicted wounds. His body was so heavy and limp._

_“No, no, no, no,” Shouyou repeated until his voice was hoarse and quivering._

_Atsumu’s face was completely warped. His eyes stared beyond, completely lifeless._

_He was gone._

_\---_

Shouyou finally allowed himself to properly reminiscence on that day. The horrid expression on Atsumu’s face. The awful blood that stained Shouyou’s shirt. The incessant police sirens. The men that dragged Atsumu away forever. 

_“The cold tears that fall_

_Freeze under the sky.”_

Atsumu was always on his mind. He came through in everything that he saw. He was always trapped in his memories. He would always be there, existing in the past even if they had no future together. 

_“They pretend to be kind_

_And around the time they fall down on my face”_

Shouyou didn’t know if saying all of this was even right. He only knew that he couldn’t keep it inside any longer. He wanted the rest of the world to know what he’d gone through in the possible hopes that it would never happen again. Shouyou wanted to cling onto those he loved and keep them close to his heart. 

This wouldn’t happen to him again. 

_“Two people who were always together are torn apart._

_That’s all there is to this story.”_

Shouyou could never forgive Atsumu for what he did. Shouyou could never forgive himself for letting it happen. 

But maybe, just maybe, one day Shouyou would. He wanted to forgive. 

Because even after everything, he missed Atsumu. 

_“Even if your everything loses its shape one day,_

_You’ll always be here within me._

_As I try to move forward again, even though I couldn’t say goodbye_

_You’ll always be here within me.”_

Something released inside of Shouyou’s chest. For the first time since that winter day, he felt free. 

He was still in year one. 

The heat of the stage lights finally got to him. He could only vaguely hear the phrase playing out, the drums and bass slowing down. The song was coming to an end. 

Shouyou looked over at Kageyama. He gave him a smile. A true smile filled with only good and genuine intentions. He strummed out the last chord, the note echoing through the performance hall. Tears pooled in Shouyou’s eyes.

Love. 

Shouyou became acutely aware of the audience staring back at him for the first time. It was all a haze. Had he actually done that? Had he actually verbalized everything that had been sitting in his chest for so long?

The audience let out a collective breath. They roared back with cheers and applause, the reception nearly knocking Shouyou over. He couldn’t focus on any of the faces but for the slightest moment he saw Atsumu staring back at him. 

He mouthed three words. 

The tears were flowing heavily now, blocking Shouyou’s vision. He turned towards Kageyama, his legs somehow closing the distance between them. He felt an arm wrap around him and they made their way off stage. 

Words from Yamaguchi and Tsukishima that Shouyou couldn’t comprehend filled the void of sound. All Shouyou could really focus on was Kageyama. He clung onto his shirt as they made their way into a side stairwell. 

“Thank you,” Shouyou cried out, his voice cracking. “Thank you for getting me this far.”

Kageyama, without a second thought, embraced Shouyou. He unskillfully connected their lips with passion raging through his veins. Shouyou closed his eyes and pulled Kageyama closer. The world could have stopped then and Shouyou wouldn’t have cared. He was warm and safe and protected just spending eternity in Kageyama’s arms. 

Shouyou made a silent vow. 

He would _never_ let Kageyama feel the same pain he felt. And he would never let him go again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session ten: Do You Remember the First Time


	10. Do You Remember the First Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's something a little more light hearted and a little shorter after last chapter's angst haha its also dialogue heavy so I apologize in advance
> 
> honestly thank you so much the reception was overwhelmingly heartfelt and im genuinely grateful for everyone who has read this far you are all so amazing. we're halfway through now and I honestly can't believe it!!
> 
> thank you thank you thank you and enjoy!

Kei couldn’t stifle his laugh as he bore witness to the unique scene unfolding offstage.  He looked back at Yamaguchi, silently saying to him  _ do you see this shit? _

The audience’s hushed whispers of praise and confusion was sweltering. Stupid lovebirds.

“T-that song was written by our very own guitarist, Kageyama,” Yamaguchi began to explain into his mic in order to fill up the open sound. 

“Yeah and our vocalist Hinata… wrote the lyrics,” Kei added although his phrasing probably wasn’t right. 

What  _ was  _ that?

Since when was Hinata capable of producing that kind of sound with his voice? And when did he manage to write such an amazing set of lyrics? Why hadn’t he shown any of them before? Had he even written them before or was that all purely stream of consciousness? It was too much for Kei to contemplate, honestly. It was just a band, after all. 

Kageyama returned back on stage, his hair covering his eyes. Hinata had snuck away. 

Kei looked back at Yamaguchi once again. He gave him a shrug. 

“I guess we’ll go on with the rest of our set now,” Yamaguchi announced nervously. The audience roared back with cheers. 

Yamaguchi tapped them off once more and they were thrown back into performing. It was slightly different without Hinata as the forefront of their band but Kei supposed that only proved the shrimp’s worth. 

Kei genuinely couldn’t believe Hinata though. He’d just exposed his deepest darkest feelings for the world to see without a second thought. Somewhere deep down, beyond Kei’s recognition, he was jealous. His playing was consistent of what he produced in rehearsal; he couldn’t magically improve over night. He couldn’t elicit his emotions without spilling over. 

But… isn't that what Hinata had done? He’d let it all air out during one singular song and now he was probably better off for it. 

Kei focused on what was real. His fingers plucking out the correct notes, the intense heat of the stage lights, and the reassuring presence of Yamaguchi behind him. 

He might be able to show off all of those emotions one day but today was not that day. 

\---

Shouyou wasn’t trying to be rude when he brushed off the compliments from the various bands backstage. They all greeted him with an incredible sense of awe and an unending stream of praise that Shouyou really didn’t think he deserved. Regardless, they pestered him with accolade as he made his way through the back room. 

He set his guitar down in its case. He vaguely thought back to the day when Atsumu had first bought the guitar a few years back. But as he reminisced the usual pain that sprouted in his chest was noticeably absent. It was like he could acknowledge that Atsumu’s presence still was there but it no longer troubled him to dwell on it. 

“Shouyou.”

Shouyou turned to see Kenma looming over him. His eyes were red. 

“Can we talk?” He asked, voice shaky. 

“Yeah,” Shouyou replied, standing up. “But can we do it outside maybe? There’s a lot of people here.”   
  
Kenma gave him a nod that screamed  _ yes please _ and together they made their way to the back door. Even the people loitering outside seemed to recognize who Shouyou was and showered him with praise. Kenma didn’t even bat an eye. 

They eventually found a tiny garden not too far away from the performance hall. Shouyou could vaguely hear the recognizable tune of his band. A small bit of guilt wriggled its way in his heart but he tried to neglect it. He honestly couldn’t see himself getting back on stage after that song. Not to mention what happened with Kageyama directly after… 

“That… that was all about Atsumu, right?” Kenma asked as they settled down together on a bench. 

Shouyou nodded. “To be honest, I didn’t even write any of that beforehand. I tried a bunch of times to write some lyrics but I honestly didn’t know how to.”   
  
“…So you made that all up on the spot?” Kenma questioned, leaning forward with concern. 

“Yeah I guess so. Or not really. I don't know. It was kind of six months worth of thoughts that were all jumbled together that I somehow managed to all blurt out at once, ya know?”   
  
“Not really…”

Cicadas chirped an unhappy song in the nearby trees. They were probably the only thing about Summer that Shouyou disliked. Cicadas were big and ugly and always made the most awful noises. But for the moment, he appreciated their presence. Shouyou wasn’t sure if he was ready to be alone in silence quite yet. 

“It’s six months today,” Kenma commented. 

“I know.”   


“It kind of feels like it’s been forever, though.”

“I know.”

Shouyou played with his thumbs. 

Kenma let out a sigh. “You were kind of incredible on stage. You might not want to accept compliments from a bunch of strangers but they’re right. You’re very talented, Shouyou.”   
  
“It doesn’t feel like I am though,” Shouyou said back. “I just… I just wanted to say goodbye. I never got to do it in the first place. I guess I needed to come to terms with the fact that ‘Tsumu’s actually gone even if it doesn’t feel like it. I still see him everywhere I go but I want to move on. I want to forgive him… and myself.”   
  
“I think you should,” Kenma replied. “It’s no one’s fault. You should allow yourself to move on.”   
  
“I think I still feel guilty though,” Shouyou admitted. “It hasn't even a year but I maybe sort of caught feelings for someone else."

Kenma stayed quiet for a little while after that. Shouyou’s words hung in the air. 

“It’s that guitarist, isn’t it?” Kenma guessed.

Shouyou’s eyes went big. “H-how did you know?”

“I saw the way you looked at him. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much, I think he might feel the same way back.”

“Oh…”

It hit Shouyou. “ _ Oh. _ ” He’d never really considered the possibility. His feelings for Kageyama were confusing and too much to handle truth be told. But he supposed Kageyama had just kissed him… 

“You should allow yourself to be happy, Shouyou,” Kenma said. “Atsumu could be a stupid, reckless ass sometimes but at the end of the day he loved you. He would want you to be happy even though he’s gone.”   
  
It was the least Shouyou owed to himself. He could so easily see himself being happy with Kageyama. Despite their silly arguments, there was this airy feeling whenever Kageyama was around. Shouyou first thought it might have been gratitude but truth was it was happiness. 

Shouyou shook his head. “Enough about my love life or lack of it. Can’t we talk about yours?”   
  
Kenma frowned. “What love life?”   


“Between you and Kuroo!”

Kenma’s cheeks turned a brilliant red. He tried to form words but instead he just buried his head in his hands. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Kenma, you’re super observant about everyone else but you can’t recognize your own feelings?” Shouyou joked. 

“Shut up.”

“You’re definitely in love with him,” Shouyou cooed. 

Kenma buried his face even further. “I’m not.”

“You are.

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“…I’m not.”

“Kenma!”   


Further along the road, the devil himself was waving towards the pair. Shouyou tapped Kenma to see but he only blushed more as Kuroo neared. Trailing behind him were two familiar figures. 

“There you are!” Kuroo said, a slight bit of worry detectable in his tone. “You ran after the song ended.”

“I wanted to make sure Shouyou was alright…” Kenma responded, evidently ignoring Kuroo’s gaze. 

“Could’ve at least told me,” Kuroo sighed. “Great song, by the way Sho-kun. I honestly didn’t expect you to sing like that. It was… well frankly it was incredible. ”

“Hey, hey, hey!” Bokuto shouted from down the pavement. “Hinata, that was freakin’ amazing! Why didn’t you tell us you were so good?”

Shouyou chuckled. “Thanks, Kuroo, Bokuto-san. I guess I didn’t know I could do that either, haha.”

Kuroo shot a look between Bokuto and Shouyou. “Since when did you know each other? I was planning on introducing the two of you later tonight.”   
  
“Oh, Hinata here ran into me before the show! He was totally in an emo mode so Akaashi and I helped him out. And look what he did! I’m so proud of you!” 

Bokuto patted the top of Shouyou’s head. Kuroo’s eyes shot towards Akaashi as a sort of confirmation but he only received a shrug in response. 

“Oh man Hinata, you have to see us perform the next time we’re live!” Bokuto said, his voice gaining excitement. 

“Eh?” Shouyou turned towards Kuroo and Kenma. “You mean Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san are the people in your band?”   
  
“Yeah, but I honestly didn’t expect you all to already know each other,” Kuroo said with a pout. 

“We’re called Cats & Owls!” Bokuto announced. 

Kenma sank further down. “I didn’t have any say in the name.”   
  
“Neither did I,” Akaashi added.

Bokuto looped an arm around Akaashi’s neck. “Oh don’t act like you hate it, Agkaaashii! It’s a super accurate name for us. And you two didn’t come up with anything better so here we are!”   


They delved into some argument about their name but everything was relatively light-hearted. Shouyou sat back with a small smile and watched as it all went down. It made his heart warm in a weird sort of way; their interactions were so comfortable and easy. 

It made Shouyou long for his own band. 

\---

Unfortunate for Tooru, all anyone could talk about was Kageyama’s stupid band and their stupid singer and that stupid song. Even after the last band’s performance, the trickling audience members were still raving about that one ginger with the absolutely  _ incredible  _ voice. 

It made Tooru want to gag. 

Maybe out of jealousy but more so out of pettiness. The world was truly a cruel place cursing that kid with talent like that. Now he’d have to live up to the harsh expectations set by Kageyama. 

“Stop making that face,” Iwaizumi instructed. “You’ll get wrinkles.”   
  
“Don’t worry, Iwa-chan, I’m not gonna age,” Tooru attempted to joke back but his tone was pretty weak. His focus was instead scanning out for that little shrimp. 

A different sort of opportunity arose. 

“Tobio-chan!” Tooru called from across the room. Most of the patrons had left the pit; it was mainly band members loitering around, taking down another drink. 

Kageyama was surprisingly alone. He didn’t even perk up at his name. He simply walked towards the exits. 

Tooru briskly closed the distance between them. “Can’t get away from me so easily, Tobio-chan.”   
  
No response. He was completely out of it. 

“Where did you find a singer like that?” Tooru prodded as a sort of last resort. 

But Kageyama was in his own world. At least this time he acknowledged Tooru by giving him a bow but he was out the doors before he could get in another word. 

“I guess your little protege didn’t want to talk,” Iwaizumi snickered. 

Tooru turned quickly on his heel. “Whatever!” He crossed his arms. “I’m just so confused as to how he managed to get another band and let that vocalist be the star instead of him. I mean it was the right move since that guy is so talented but  _ still. _ He’s not the same Kageyama.”   
  
Iwaizumi settled into a frown. “Yeah, he got fucked up from Kunimi and Kindaichi. He changed. Isn’t that for the best?”   
  
“I guess so,” Tooru let out a sigh. “Where’s Mattsun and Makki?”   


“Not sure… why?”   


“I think it’s time we had a little band meeting. We have a lot to do.”

\---

The entire night was a blur. 

Tobio could vaguely remember dashing through the streets of Tokyo. He remembered fixing the strings on Hinata’s guitar. He remembered pouring everything into that performance. He remembered the pride that welled up in him from seeing Hinata finally express himself. He even remembered the tears that dribbled down Hinata’s chin as the song came to an end. 

Everything after was seemingly absent. 

It didn’t bug him all too much. Nothing had happened anyways. 

But waking up after that night of adrenaline was no easy task. Tobio had to drag himself out of bed, his body surprisingly sore. He figured his fatigue was just a symptom of his first performance in such a long time. Middle school Tobio never faced such an issue; he was getting so old. 

The day passed by as normal. Tobio walked to school, deciding on some British Rock as his music for the day. He attended class only to nod off during most of the sessions. He snuck away during lunch to the stairwell but was stopped before he could actually reach his destination. 

“Kageyama!” Tanaka screamed the moment he entered the gym. The baldy was trailed by Noya, each with a look of pure glee plastered on their faces. 

“You were so amazing!” Noya exalted, jumping onto Tobio’s back. “I get why you don’t play volleyball now, it’s ‘cause you’re so good at guitar!”

Tobio tried to maneuver out of the grasp of the small second-year but to no avail. Soon Tanaka joined in too and began to throttle him. 

“Seriously, why didn’t you tell us that you were so talented?” He bellowed. 

Suga passed by them with a raised brow. “Better stop that before Daichi starts to yell.”

It was no use. From across the court, Daichi began to storm over. “Knock it off you guys! Kageyama isn’t even on the team and yet you’re treating him like this? What kind of senpai are you?”   
  
At the mention of that, Noya and Tanaka both removed themselves. 

“You’re right,” Tanaka said. “Find me after class, I’ll buy you a meat bun or something. You totally deserve it!”

“Yeah man! I was totally blown away!” Noya added. 

The pieces all finally registered in Tobio’s mind. “You… you all came to the live show?”   
  
Daichi nodded, placing a hand on Tanaka’s shoulder. “We all wanted to come and support you and Hinata. You’ve been kind enough to help us out every once in a while so we wanted to return the favor.”

“And it was definitely worth it,” Suga offered. “I had a feeling that you would play well on the guitar but Hinata’s singing was just…”

The volleyball boys all had a dreamy expression cross their face. Tobio swore his personal accolades for the song simply stemmed from his feelings towards Hinata. He couldn’t have guessed that other people would have thought the song was good as well. 

But looking back… the song _was_ incredible. It was raw and emotional and freeing of course others would see it in a similar manner. 

“T-thank you,” Tobio stuttered as he gave them a bow. “I’m sorry for not greeting you at the show.”

“We didn’t say that we were coming, don’t worry about it,” Daichi assured. 

“You honestly didn’t need to come…”

“But we wanted to!” Tanaka laughed. 

“Let us know when your next show is too!” Noya added. “We’ll definitely be there.”

They each gave Tobio a genuine, heartfelt smile. They weren’t lying. 

Tobio’s lips curled into a nervous smile of his own. “I… I never really knew people outside the music industry so this is all pretty new to me… It’s nice. Thank you.”

Tanaka and Noya jumped him again with promises of after school snacks and treats. Daichi and Suga joined in with their laughs and the rest of the volleyball team came over as well. They all congratulated Tobio on a great performance—turns out the whole team went as a sort of bonding experience. It was honestly too nice of a gesture. 

They eventually needed to get back to practice though at Daichi’s not-so-subtle suggestion. 

“I’ll be on my way then,” Tobio said in response. 

“Oh if you’re looking for Hinata, he’s not in the stairwell,” Suga noted. 

One of the first years that Tobio didn’t bother knowing the name of piped up. “He wasn’t in class today either.” 

Tobio pouted. 

He guessed he didn’t realize how much he wanted to see Hinata until he couldn’t. He excused himself from the volleyball team and made his way back to the main school building in the hopes that maybe that first year was lying. 

He honestly just wanted to sit in that small staircase in the streaming daylight as they worked together on a new song. Hinata’s laugh would fill up the whole space or maybe he’d test out a few new lyrics. They could make beautiful music together again. 

Tobio nearly slapped himself back to reality. 

He meandered back to the classrooms where he found Tsukishima and Yamaguchi engaged in some happy conversation. He pulled up and chair and sulked down beside them. 

“Have you seen Hinata today?” He asked with a scowl. 

“Shouldn’t you be asking someone who’s actually around him?” Tsukishima responded. “Neither of us are in his class.”

“I figured the least you could do is keep tabs on your bandmates,” Tobio griped back. 

Tsukishima set down his chopsticks. “And why is that my job? Aren’t you the one who’s desperately in lo—”

Tobio rushed to put his hand over Tsukishima’s mouth. Blush creeped up Tobio’s neck as he checked to see if any classmates had heard. Luckily no one looked their way. 

Tsukishima ripped Tobio’s hand away. “You’re both helpless,” he sighed.

“Maybe Hinata’s just sick?” Yamaguchi suggested. “I mean a lot happened last night, he might need some rest to recover from it.”

“I guess his classmates did say he wasn't in class…” Tobio said. 

Tsukishima groaned. “So what was the point of asking us if you already knew? Maybe you’re getting sick too since your mind seems to be so groggy.”

“I’m fine,” Tobio assured. 

“Really?” Tsukishima inquired. “I mean when you exchange germs like that who knows what could happen.” 

Yamaguchi snickered. 

Tobio stared at the two of them, obviously not registering the comment. “What are you talking about?”

Yamaguchi raised an eyebrow. “You mean you don’t remember what happened after the show?”

“I just went home and went to bed,” Tobio answered although his voice was a little shaky. 

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima exchanged a look. “I mean a milestone like that is hard to forget,” Tsukishima sneered. “What would poor Hinata think about your little moment?”

Tobio blinked. 

_ Moment? _

He began to think backwards. He woke up this morning a little bit later than usual. He went to bed last night completely exhausted. He didn’t even shower, he just collapsed into bed the moment he got home. The walk home from the show was quiet. He ignored Oikawa on his way out of the performance hall. He packed up his guitar not too carefully. He finished the show with Yamaguchi and Tsukishima. He kissed Hinata in the stairwell. Hinata sang his great song. Hinata’s string snapped—

Tobio stopped dead in his tracks. 

He… he kissed Hinata?

It all came flooding back to him. The look Hinata gave him at the conclusion of the song. The way he desperately gripped onto Tobio’s shirt. How he ushered Hinata into that side stairwell. How he kissed him without much thought. 

And god it was a good kiss too. 

… It was also Tobio’s first kiss. 

Tobio flung his head into his hands. He wanted to scream.  _ Why did he do that?  _ He hadn’t even asked if Hinata wanted to be kissed—what if Hinata didn’t even want to kiss him in the first place? What kind of  _ dumbass  _ decides to kiss their bandmate after they sang an entire song about heartbreak? 

“Oh, it looks like you remembered,” Tsukishima stated. “It was kind of disgusting to watch.”

Tobio buried his head further. “You  _ saw _ ?!”

Yamaguchi responded with a prompt, “No!” while Tsukishima gave him a bored, “Yes.”

“I’m such an idiot,” Tobio grumbled. 

“Glad you noticed,” Tsukishima chuckled. 

Tobio abruptly stood. “I’m leaving,” he decided. 

“What? Where are you going?” Yamaguchi called after him as Tobio dashed out the door. 

He couldn’t wait any longer, he had to see Hinata and attempt to explain himself out of this one. God he really was stupid. 

But… at the end of the day… he managed to kiss Hinata. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session eleven: Take Me Out


	11. Take Me Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg hi its been a little angsty up in here so there will be fluff for the next few parts bc I love these boys ok? 
> 
> maybe its just my angst after chapter 401 haha
> 
> anways!!! enjoy!!! love you all!!!

Tobio was shaking by the time he’d reached the front door. 

The apartment complex was nice he supposed, not like he had any sort of reference. He’d seen the outside of the building only a handful of times walking Hinata home but now that he was standing in front of his door it was totally different. He could physically feel sweat starting to collect at his brow. 

Beyond that door was a sickly Hinata who needed his help. 

Beyond that door was also the Hinata he’d stupidly decided to kiss on a whim and totally neglected right after. 

Tobio reached a hand forward but retracted it immediately. What was he doing? He hadn’t even told Hinata that he was coming. What if he was asleep or in the shower or just generally didn’t want him there because what kind of person kisses their bandmate and doesn’t talk to them for the rest of the night?

Tobio shook his head. 

“It’s just Hinata,” he assured himself aloud. 

_ Yeah the same Hinata you’re hopelessly in love with _ , another part of him said internally.

“Shut up,” he groaned at his inner thoughts. 

He honestly couldn’t beat himself up any more over the whole situation. He knew just seeing Hinata was sure to send a swirl of butterflies in his stomach but now that he knew what it was like to tenderly hold him in his arms and press their lips together… it would be a lot more challenging than initially thought. 

The main issue was that he desperately wanted to do it again. They only connected for a brief second but Tobio wanted to experience it all over again. This time, he’d draw out the moment into eternity.

“Dumbass!” Tobio screamed at himself, squatting to the ground. “Stop thinking about it, you fucking dumbass!” He ran a ragged hang through his hair to attempt to get the thought out of his head. 

“Kageyama?”

Tobio fell backwards to see Hinata towering over him in the frame of the door. He was dressed in shorts and a simple tee a couple sizes too big to the point where it exposed his thin collarbones. His hair was clipped back by cat barrettes to reveal his pale face.

In short, he was adorable. 

“I heard shouting but I didn’t think it would be you out here…” Hinata said as he scanned around the entryway. “…What are you doing here?”   
  
Tobio sprung up. “I-I thought you were sick so I brought you some medicine and porridge.” He held forth a plastic bag with said goods. 

Hinata shook his head. “I’m not sick, I’m just feeling a little like  _ bleh _ . Totally not sick at all. You really didn’t have to come so far… And shouldn’t you be in school right now?”   
  
“Since when did you started caring about school?” Tobio countered. 

Hinata perked up. “I guess you’re right. Did you want to come in or…?”

Tobio may have nodded a little bit too aggressively. He mentally slapped himself. Going inside Hinata’s apartment could only cause more trouble; he certainly didn’t need to get himself into any precarious situations. He came here to drop off the items and be on his way. He saw that Hinata was okay and that’s all that mattered. 

Hinata retreated back inside with Tobio on his trail. He stopped immediately at the genkan while Hinata went further in. So far, Tobio could only see a singular hallway with doors leading off to various rooms on the side. 

“You’re not staying?” Hinata questioned with a pout. 

Tobio could physically feel his heart doing somersaults. Stupid fucking Hinata, who the fuck allowed him to be this fucking cute. FUCK. 

“I shouldn’t overstay my welcome,” Tobio stated against his better judgement. 

Hinata nodded, his eyelashes dropping. “You’re honestly fine. My mom’s at work and my sister’s at school so it’s not like you’ll be bothering anyone.” He slipped into an open room.

_ That’s the issue, idiot,  _ Tobio said to himself. He began to weigh the pros and cons of coming inside when a loud  _ thud  _ drew his attention away. 

“Hinata!” Tobio screamed, pulling off his shoes and following the noise. 

Hinata had collapsed on the floor. Tobio immediately scooped him up in his arms; he was so light it was like carrying a child. Hinata’s head lolled onto Tobio’s shoulder. 

“What happened?” Tobio asked, panic rising in his voice. 

Hinata groaned in response. “I’m tired…” 

Tobio got the immediate urge to run Hinata all the way to the nearest emergency room. No one simply collapsed because they were tired… right? 

That’d probably only cause more trouble. What was he supposed to tell Hinata’s mother?  _ Oh yes, I was simply trying to take care of your ill son when he collapsed in your apartment when we were all alone. I know we’ve never met before but I’m desperately in love with him and would do pretty much anything for him. Nice to meet you.  _

Tobio shook his head. He layed Hinata down on the bed and felt the top of his forehead. It was warm but not enough to stress over. Honestly it was hard  _ not  _ to stress over Hinata’s current condition regardless if he was showing symptoms or not.

Tobio took a careful look around Hinata’s room and it dawned on him that they were  _ actually  _ alone in this apartment together. Of course he’d never do anything to Hinata but  _ still.  _ The room was relatively big but had little personal touches. There were photos of people that Tobio didn’t recognize hung above the desk and a couple CDs strewn across the floor but otherwise nothing screamed  _ Hinata.  _ His guitar did sit in the corner though, the new strings still in tact from the night before. 

Hinata sank into his bed. “I’m fine…” he muttered. 

“Don’t lie to yourself, you’re sick,” Tobio replied, bending down to kneel in front of him. 

Hinata blinked rapidly, his eyes catching Tobio’s. "You didn’t have to come.”   
  
“Who else would take care of you?”

His face became flushed. Tobio checked his temperature again only to find his fever was getting worse. 

“Kageyama—”

“Go to sleep,” Tobio instructed. “You’ll only get better if you get some rest.”   
  
“I can sleep later,” Hinata whined. “I have things to tell you now.”

Tobio, without even realizing it, brushed a loose piece of hair from Hinata’s face. He smiled lightly in response. 

“I lied to you.”

Tobio raised an eyebrow. “About what?”

“About wanting to learn guitar. Don’t get me wrong, I wanted to learn but it was never really my goal to perform like Little Giant. It was the dream of my ex-boyfriend.”

Tobio knew it was coming but it was still a stab to the heart. He’d maybe guessed it somewhere along the way and yet actually hearing the words seemed all too real. He didn’t say anything though. He let Hinata continue. 

“We were childhood friends. When we were little we saw Little Giant perform and he was completely hooked on the whole music thing. My other friends joined in too but since they were all older than me I never really got involved. I was happy just watching them.

“Last winter, we got into an argument over something super stupid. He… he ended up killing himself. I was the one that found him and it’s sort of freaked me out ever since. It was… really, really scary. 

“His brother gave me his guitar at the funeral. I held onto it and never really considered playing it since the strings were broken until you showed up.”

Hinata’s eyes began to water. 

“Thank you for that, Kageyama. You really changed my life.”   
  
Tobio could feel the blush creeping back on his neck. “It’s nothing… you just looked so sad that day that we met… I wanted to help I guess… I don’t know… dumbass.”   
  
Hinata giggled a little. “I’m sorry for not being honest with you.”   
  
“You were dealing with a lot… you’re  _ still  _ dealing with a lot,” Tobio assured. “Take your time with it all, honestly. Losing someone close to you can be painful.”   
  
“I don’t want to think about him any more,” Hinata sighed. “You were right though. I needed to express myself in the song. Our performance was my goodbye, if that makes sense. I think I needed a little closure.”   
  
“And did you get it?”   
  
“Yeah,” Hinata smiled. “I’m still dealing with it but I feel like I’m ready to move on. I think… I think for our next song I want to write something totally different.”   
  
Tobio could barely contain his excitement. “Oh yeah?”   
  
“I think I want to write about love.”   
  
Tobio could’ve combusted on the spot but a distinct buzzing noise prevented him from doing so. 

“Could you see who that is?” Hinata asked as he rolled onto his back. 

Tobio frowned as he picked up the phone. “Who’s Kenma cat emoji?”   
  
“Oh just another one of my childhood friends,” Hinata replied. 

“How many of those do you have?”   
  
Hinata let out a  _ hmm.  _ “More than you, that's for sure. Anyways, just text him that I can’t talk right now and that I’m feeling better.”

Tobio didn’t particularly like the idea of intruding in on Hinata’s private messages but he did so anyways. It seemed like this Kenma and Hinata talked relatively often. He typed the message out and hit send before he could read anything else. 

“Don’t get all jealous, Kageyama,” Hinata laughed. 

“I-I’m not!” Tobio stuttered back. “Whatever, dumbass, go to sleep. You need some more rest.”

“I can’t sleep. I’m too cold.”   


Tobio stood up. “Well when you lay on the covers yeah—”   
  
Tobio was suddenly being pulled down onto the bed. For such a frail sick person, Hinata sure had a lot of strength. Tobio couldn’t manage to move away, even if he wanted to. Hinata pulled him in close and clung onto his shirt. 

“Kageyama, please don’t leave me,” Hinata whispered into Tobio’s chest. 

Something swelled inside of Tobio. He wrapped his arms around Hinata. “I would never.”

\---

_The audience thrummed with a sort of palpable energy. It was like Shouyou could practically grab onto their collective excitement and buzz. They happily discussed artists new and old—most of_ _whom Shouyou had never even heard of. Regardless, he loved being amongst them. He found himself drawn to their calm hysteria._

_ Shouyou generally didn’t mind being alone but in this crowd the solitude truly faded. Complete strangers talked to him with nothing but kindness seeing as this little kid was by himself. Shouyou gladly accepted their warm welcomes and navigated through the crowd with a surprising sense of ease. As new musicians popped up on stage, different people explained to Shouyou their various backgrounds and influences. The world of music was still so overwhelming but he was here to support his friends. A little extra kindness went a long way.  _

_ “I heard this next performer’s only a first year in middle school,” an older blonde woman with piercings explained to Shouyou.  _

_ “Really? That’s the same as me!” Shouyou exclaimed back. He received a bout of laughter from the woman’s group of punk friends.  _

_ A young boy walked onto the stage, a frightful look splayed across his face. He carried a black guitar and, despite his apparent nerves, appeared to set up his equipment with little trouble. He didn’t even bother introducing himself. He simply stepped forward and began to play.  _

_ A resonant melody echoed throughout the stage. Shouyou was immediately entrapped in the guitarist’s aura. He was so powerful when he played—like he was a complete professional despite his young age. If he made mistakes, Shouyou couldn’t tell. He was too focused on how the boy’s hands expertly moved across the guitar.  _

_ The song was profound. It didn’t even need lyrics or additional instruments to get its clear message across. Shouyou unintentionally found himself leaning forward to see the boy closer up. He was on the edge of his toes, his fingers tapping along to the beat.  _

_ The boy raised his head from his guitar, looking out into the audience. His dark eyes seemed to stare directly into Shouyou’s. He smiled.  _

\---

Shouyou lazily blinked away the drowsiness from his system. He snuggled closer to his pillow but realized with a start it seemed to squirm back. 

Shouyou leaned back to see that he was actually holding onto Kageyama of all people. His arms were tightly wrapped around Shouyou’s lower back but he honestly didn’t mind. Kageyama looked so at peace. With the trailing afternoon sunlight cascading over his dark hair, he looked nearly picturesque to Shouyou. Even if Shouyou had a hard time admitting it when they first met, he could now say with all certainty that Kageyama was incredibly pretty. From the strong curve of his jaw to his long eyelashes to the soft arc of his cupid’s bow. It was all so pretty. 

Shouyou couldn’t help but let a smile form on his lips. For the first time since Atsumu’s death, he didn’t dream about him. In fact, that’d probably been the most peaceful sleep Shouyou had gotten in the past six months. Maybe Kageyama was the secret to a good night’s rest. If that was the case, then he’d never want to sleep alone again. 

Kageyama began to stir, dragging his arms away from Shouyou as he turned onto his other side. Shouyou took the opportunity at hand and decided to sling his arms across Kageyama’s chest and scooch their bodies together. He might have been on the smaller side but goddamnit Shouyou would be the big spoon whether Kageyama liked it or not. 

He seemed to like it though as he relaxed into Shouyou’s body with a heavy breath. He could have laid there for hours but the sound of a slamming door pulled him out of his perfect cuddling fantasy. 

Shouyou reluctantly pulled away from Kageyama and sat up. Kageyama groaned in response. 

“Nii-chan, are you feeling better?” Natsu called throughout the house. She burst into Shouyou’s room without a care, her eyes trailing towards the bed. 

Kageyama sat up behind Shouyou, stretching his arms. “What’s going on?” He yawned. 

“You’re not ‘Tsumu!” She accused, pointing a finger directly at Kageyama. 

Kageyama whipped his head toward Natsu. The weariness, and color, drained out of his face. He was at a loss for words, his gaze jumping between Shouyou and Natsu. 

“Natsu, this is Kageyama,” Shouyou said with rising pink in his cheeks. If he freaked out about the situation, it’d probably only get worse for both of them. 

“N-nice to meet you,” Kageyama stammered with a half-bow. 

“Natsu, stop bugging your brother when he’s sick!” Shouyou’s mother shouted from inside the house. She poked her head in and assessed the situation. “Oh, I didn’t realize we had a guest.”   
  
Shouyou gulped. “Yeah, this is my bandmate, Kageyama.”   
  
Kageyama threw his head down again. “So, so sorry for the intrusion!”   
  
Shouyou’s mom shrugged. “No worries! Will you be joining us for dinner, Kageyama-kun?”

“No ma’am!”

Shouyou’s mom scooped up Natsu. “Alright then. I’ll leave you boys to it.” She closed the door, sending a shockwave of silence throughout the room. 

Shouyou turned towards Kageyama. He was completely pale, his lip quivering. Shouyou let out a hearty laugh to release all of the built-up tension in his chest. 

“That was so embarrassing,” Kageyama muttered under red ears. “Why didn’t you tell me your mom and sister would come home?”

Shouyou kept laughing. “Hey, I didn’t know they would! It’s not like we were doing anything, we were sleeping.”   
  
“In the same bed!”

Shouyou’s chuckles trailed off. He dragged his fingers across Kageyama’s hand and looped them through. “Did you not like sleeping in the same bed?”   
  
Kageyama somehow became even more rosy. “N-no it’s not that… I’ve never met your family though and I hope I didn’t make a bad impression.”   
  
Shouyou’s heart physically warmed at the thought. “You can always meet them again—properly, I mean.”   
  
“Yeah?”   
  
“Yeah!” Shouyou beamed. “And thank you for coming over, honestly. You didn’t have to but I feel a lot better now. I think that’s the best sleep I’ve gotten in a long time.”   
  
Kageyama’s lips trembled into a nervous smile. Shouyou wanted to kiss him right then and there but he knew better; Natsu had an awful habit of bursting into his room whenever she pleased so it was wise to keep the physical intimacy away for the time being. 

An awful grumble roared from Shouyou’s stomach. Kageyama snickered. 

“Come on,” Shouyou lulled, dragging Kageyama out of bed. “Let’s go grab some food. I think we should celebrate.”   
  
“Celebrate what?” Kageyama asked. His eyes darted down to their intertwined fingers. 

“The live show, dumbass,” Shouyou said like  _ isn’t that obvious.  _ “I’ll call up Yamaguchi and Tsukishima, too. We all kind of separated last night but we should definitely go together as a band.”   
  
Shouyou was already searching through his contacts when Kageyama began to speak. 

“Listen… about last night… I just wanted to…”   
  
Yamaguchi picked up with a soft, “Hello?”   
  
“Yamaguchi!”

Shouyou got into some long-winded conversation, purposefully ignoring Kageyama for the moment. He still needed a little bit of time to process what he actually wanted to say back to him. Last night had been a flurry of unreal emotions. One stood out above the most, but Shouyou wanted to craft his thoughts before actually facing Kageyama with them. 

He had a lot to say, after all. 

\---

“Cheers!”

Kei wished they were toasting with alcohol; it might’ve made the night go by faster. It’d certainly be less painful that way. But he let his virgin strawberry soda slide down his throat praying that their server had actually messed up and gave him something spiked. 

For a Monday night, the restaurant was certainly bustling. Waiters weaved through tables, delivering platters of uncooked meat to laughing businessmen and tipsy college students. Kei never ate much so coming to an all-you-can-eat barbecue place like this had never been up his alley. Unfortunately, Hinata and Kageyama had picked the place and Kei regrettably knew they could eat twice their weight. 

Yamaguchi gave him a smile beside him. “Don’t look too upset that you’re here.” 

“I’m not upset,” Kei retorted. 

“Mmmhmm. Tsukki, you might be able to lie to everyone else but I know your tell.” 

Kei raised an eyebrow. “And what is that?”

“You flare your nostrils.”

Kei instinctively flared them in response as a sort of way to test it out. Was that true? He’d never noticed that before… how did Yamaguchi pick it up? 

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Kei said, rolling his eyes

“Sorry, Tsukki!” He replied cheekily. 

Kei crossed his arms. “You’re not much better. Your tell us that you can’t keep eye contact.” 

“Oh yeah?” Yamaguchi laughed. “Watch.” 

He shifted his body so that he was straight on with Kei. They locked eyes. 

“I have no idea who you are. This is our first time meeting. My name is James White and I’m an American farmer with a wife, two kids, and a dog named Skip.”

They never broke eye contact, not even for a second. 

Kei let out a  _ hmm.  _ “I stand corrected.”

Yamaguchi let the facade fall. His eyes drifted away as he raised a hand to scratch the back of his head. “I’ve been practicing my lying but I didn’t think it’d get across.” 

“Why would you need to practice lying?” 

Yamaguchi kept his eyes away as he shrugged. 

Kei returned his focus back to Hinata and Kageyama. They were arguing, as usual, but there seemed to be a lack of punch to their words. Their dynamic had changed but only slightly; meaning they hadn’t yet confessed to each other. 

It wasn’t any of Kei’s business and he could honestly care less about their relationship but they just made it so  _ obvious.  _ They were so blind to their own feelings for so long it made Kei sick. Seriously, what kind of idiot didn't know how they felt towards another person?

“So why did you drag us out here?” Kei inquired, taking another sip of his soda. Sadly, still unspiked. 

“Because we finally performed our first live show as a band and I wanted to celebrate!” Hinata cheered. “And… I also wanted to apologize. I’m sorry for not writing the lyrics until the day of. I honestly didn’t even know I was gonna sing until I started doing it so I’m just as shocked as you are honestly.” 

“Don’t fret over it,” Yamaguchi said in a soothing voice. “What matters is that you pulled through and you said what you wanted to say.”

Hinata nodded. “I know I’ve been acting weird since we started the band so I thought I should let you all know that in December my childhood friend turned boyfriend killed himself. I’ve been dealing with it ever since, but I’m still in year one so I ask for a little understanding, that’s all.”

Silently, Yamaguchi and Kageyama filled up Hinata’s plate with more meat. 

Kei… he couldn’t begin to understand the pain that Hinata was going through right now. Or rather he didn’t  _ want  _ to understand what he was going through. He unconsciously shot his gaze over to Yamaguchi. They weren’t dating but they’d known each other for years. Yamaguchi was the person he was closest to. The only person he could be honest with. He never wanted to even imagine losing him. 

Kei added meat to Hinata’s plate. 

“Thank you for telling us,” Yamaguchi said in a shaky voice. “That must be so difficult… I’m not sure if there’s anything we can do about it but if you ever need anything we’re right here.” 

He slipped his arm around Kei’s shoulders; he nearly recoiled at the touch. 

“Honestly, just don’t quit the band,” Hinata smiled. “I really enjoyed performing last night and I have a lot of ideas already for our next song.”

“Let’s not get too ahead of ourselves,” Kei sighed. “We came here to eat so let’s do it.” 

Yamaguchi snorted. “I never thought I’d see the day when Tsukishima Kei actually  _ wanted  _ to eat something.” 

“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” he chided without any real bite to his words. 

Yamaguchi laughed. “Sorry, Tsukki!” 

Kei witnessed Kageyama and Hinata exchange a careful look. It was gone almost as soon as it started and they were quick to start eating as if they could hide something if they stuffed their mouths. He wasn’t really in the mood to argue so he let the whole issue drop. 

The dinner went off without a hitch. Kei sort of, only a little bit, the smallest, tiniest amount enjoyed the company. The thought made him shiver. Their conversation was light and airy as always; it truly was just a celebration for what they’d done. He supposed performing a show like that was something to commemorate. 

It was… fun. 

Ew.

Long after Kei had eaten his share but way before Kageyama and Hinata were finished, a familiar blonde figure made her way through the restaurant. 

It wasn’t like Kei hated Yachi or anything. He genuinely didn’t. He felt more indifference towards her. She was a talented piano player and was good company sometimes. There wasn’t necessarily anything  _ to  _ hate about her. 

Yet he didn’t understand why he got on edge whenever she was near. Yamaguchi greeted her with open arms and a smile, going as far to pull up an extra chair for her. Kei didn’t say anything other than a courteous “Hello” out of fear he would stupidly act on his emotions. 

“Yachi-san, what are you doing here?” Hinata asked excitedly. 

She pulled out a laptop. “Watching your performance last night really inspired me so I managed to collect a bunch of different videos from the night and I made this!” 

She tapped a few buttons and let a video begin to play. It was of their performance. A conglomeration of different angles and surprisingly high sound quality that made their band appear like a group of experts rather than a bunch of high-school amateurs. Although, the video couldn’t quite capture the magnetic energy of the performance. It did, however, show close-ups of each of them playing. Where Yachi managed to get the videos was completely beyond Kei; he was solely grateful for the shot that lingered on Yamaguchi during a small drum break. He seemed so at peace on that stage. With those big eyes and subtle smile, he was so captivating. Even as the camera zoomed out to show the whole stage, Kei kept his focus on Yamaguchi. 

Kei supposed he never got to see that face very often. He’d always been reassured by Yamaguchi’s presence behind his back but he’d never could have imagined that he’d be making an expression like that all this time… 

“Wow…” Hinata sighed as the video closed out. “I didn’t realize that’s what we looked like.”   
  
“It was a whole lot better in person but I tried my best to capture the energy you had on stage,” Yachi explained as she put away the laptop. “You were all so amazing, it really inspired me to put this all together. It could probably be done a lot better by someone who actually knows what they’re doing… but I just couldn’t help myself. I think you all have a real talent that should be shared with the rest of the world.”   
  
“Don’t beat yourself up, Yachi-san,” Yamaguchi smiled, putting a hand on her shoulder. Kei’s heart pounded against his ribcage. “The video is amazing, thank you so much for putting it all together.”   
  
“Oh it’s really nothing…”   
  
A silent exchange passed between Hinata, Kageyama, and Yamaguchi. Kei raised an eyebrow, trying to gauge what they were thinking. 

Yamaguchi turned to Yachi. “I think I speak for everyone when I ask would you like to be our manager?”   
  
Yachi’s face went a brilliant pink. “Eh?  _ Me? _ B-but I don’t know anything about the world of music! And there’s so much that goes into being a manager, I’m sure you could find someone a lot better.”   
  
“There’s not much to learn, really,” Kageyama said. 

“Plus, I don’t think there’s anyone else who could do the job as well as you!” Hinata added.

Their gazes all landed on Kei. Truth be told, he didn’t know if he could handle seeing Yachi that much. But Yamaguchi gave him that shit-eating grin he always did that Kei couldn’t resist even if he tried. 

“It might be nice to have an outsider’s opinion when it comes to band affairs,” Kei commented in a low voice.

Yachi lit up. “I-I mean only if you say so! Oh wow, I never really expected it. Thank you so much!”   
  
“We should be thanking you for agreeing!” Yamaguchi laughed. 

“I-I mean I have a couple ideas, if that’s alright with you. I was thinking that an online presence would probably be a good step but I totally wasn’t going to force anything on you since it’s not my band or anything.”   


“If you’re our manager then you’re definitely part of the band!” Hinata exclaimed. 

Yachi beamed. “A Twitter account might be the way to go. You can upload videos and interact with people and garner attention.”

Kageyama gave her a thumbs up. “We’ll leave you to it.”   
  
Kei almost snickered. Making Yachi manager only kept them from doing the heavy lifting. 

“Right!” Yachi nodded. “Okay, what do you want to call the account? Sun Moon Mountain?”

The band instinctively made a sour face at the name. At the time, it seemed like a good idea but after using it for a couple weeks the charm of the name had worn off. It now sounded bland considering there was no real connection to it. 

“Now’s probably a good time to change it,” Kageyama huffed. 

“Any suggestions?” Hinata asked a little too hopefully. 

Beside Kei, Yamaguchi pouted. “I’ve been thinking about this ever since you mentioned it Hinata, but how about Year One? I mean we’re all first years in school so it’ll be a reference to when we first started the band and it demonstrates that we’re caught in the emotions that come within the first year of grief.”   
  
Hinata’s eyes twinkled. “I love it!”   
  
Kageyama nodded in agreement, a little smile creeping onto his lips. 

Kei pushed up his glasses. “I like it.”

Yamaguchi blushed. “Yeah? Then I guess it’s settled. Here’s to Year One!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session twelve: Lucky Man


	12. Lucky Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!!!
> 
> bruh these chapters have no right being this long but also im such a sucker for fluff our couples are making progress people!! 
> 
> as always super super thankful for you all and I hope you enjoyyyyy!!!

“Could you ah… maybe… please… stop moving so much?”

Hitoka received a round of giggles back that definitely did  _ not  _ qualify as staying still. Hinata and Yamaguchi couldn’t manage to keep their positions for more than a few seconds without nervously shifting. Kageyama would shout some loud profanity about keeping still,  _ dumbass,  _ while Tsukishima stood there like a rock. An indifferent, bored rock but still a rock. 

Hitoka tried once more to capture a photo but before she could click the button, Hinata and Kageyama had engaged in some pointless argument, again. Tsukishima and Yamaguchi chuckled as the whole thing went down. 

Frankly, Hitoka didn’t know what to expect when signing up to become their manager. She was grateful they even wanted her for the position but she honestly didn’t think it would consist of her babysitting four high-school age boys who acted more like kindergarteners. 

“Could you try smiling maybe?” Hitoka squeaked. 

The boys responded, albeit half-heartedly. While Hinata attempted to give her a genuine smile, it was more of a wholesome laugh. Yamaguchi was better, giving her a closed-lip smile while Tsukishima’s expression didn’t change at all. Kageyama was a whole other issue. Hitoka has never been religious but she feared that at that moment she was staring at the devil himself. 

She lowered the camera. “This isn’t working at all.”

“What’s the point of taking all of these photos anyways?” Hinata asked as he tugged on the collar of his sweater. 

It’d taken a lot of trial and error to style their outfits in a cohesive manner. They all just looked so  _ different  _ and each had a naturally contrasting look. Finding a color palette that could work with Hinata’s orange hair was a entire ordeal on its own. It took a lot of swapping and borrowing to craft them each an outfit worthy enough to be photographed. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima might have swapped pants and Hinata may have stolen Kageyama’s sweater but it was all for a good cause.

“A good band photo is essential for advertising and social media,” Kageyama explained gruffly. “So shut up and smile.” 

“You should take your own advice, we won’t get any attraction with a sour look like that,” Tsukishima said, pushing up his glasses. 

“HAH?”

They returned back to their ceaseless bickering and Hitoka began to seriously question how this group of literal children could come together so magnificently on stage. 

Hitoka took another photo, the flash catching them off guard and stopping their fighting for the moment. 

“I think we should try something different,” Hitoka said in her nicest voice. 

They all broke their poses. She supplied them each with their respective instruments and repositioned them against the warehouse wall. It might’ve been a little amateur taking photos in a place like this but the grimy backdrop helped to add a little bit of dirt to the otherwise squeaky clean appearance of the teenage boys. 

She placed Tsukishima and Kageyama back to back. Hopefully without seeing each other they could manage to keep their mouths shut for more than five minutes. She then directed Hinata in front of Kageyama and Yamaguchi in front of Tsukishima. They each had an interesting profile, so from this angle she could capture their distinct features. Her pairing guesses were right too. 

It took a few moments but Kageyama’s expression softened the longer he looked at Hinata; in return, Hinata’s eyes filled up with this sort of indescribable light. Even Tsukishima seemed to smile a little when he was facing Yamaguchi. It was slight and barely noticeable but it was enough to be captured on camera. The tension in Yamaguchi’s shoulders eased as he let a toothy grin through. 

Perfect. 

She took a few shots, eventually landing on one where their expressions were just right. All of the preparation and stressing had been well worth the effort for a shot like this. Even without touch-ups, Hitoka could see there were a few perfect stills in the bunch. 

“Thanks for your hard work!” Hitoka called. 

They thanked her back and began to stretch from their various positions. 

“Ooh, Yachi-san!” Hinata exclaimed. “I wanna see! I wanna see!”   
  
“Don’t crowd the camera, dumbass,” Kageyama scolded in response. 

Hitoka carefully showed them a couple of the best photos and watched as their faces filled with careful excitement. 

“Wow, we look like a real band in this one!” Hinata laughed. 

Hitoka ran a hand through her hair. “I’m glad you think so! That was the goal after all.”   
  
Yamaguchi joined them and smiled at the work. Meanwhile, Tsukishima sat off in the corner, frowning at his phone. 

“Oh! There’s something else I wanted to mention,” Hitoka said, retrieving her laptop. “I’ve posted a few things on Twitter and the reception so far has been pretty positive. I also uploaded your performance video onto YouTube and it’s… sort of blowing up.”   
  
The view count had nearly doubled from the time Hitoka checked it that morning. Even Tsukishima came over to look at the growing numbers with a visible sort of shock. It was well-deserved considering how amazing the performance was but astonishing nonetheless. 

“Wow, Yachi-san! That’s amazing!” Yamaguchi cheered. 

Hitoka shook her head. “It’s all you guys, honestly. I just uploaded the video. You’re the ones who made the song and performed it so well!”   
  
“We should perform again and get even more views on the next one!” Hinata said, turning towards Kageyama. 

“That was the other thing I wanted to mention,” Hitoka began. “The video’s gotten such good reception that a local concert circuit caught wind of it. We’ve been invited to one of their competitions this October. Even though it’s so far away, it sounds like a great opportunity for up-and-coming bands in the area. I wanted to talk with you all before making a decision but—”   
  
“Accept the offer,” Kageyama instructed. 

“Ah, really?”

The boys all nodded back with a new sort of fierce determinism. 

Hitoka smiled. “Okay then! Let’s get ready to perform live again!”

\---

Tobio tried his best to contain his frown but the attempt was all for naught. 

The train, unsurprisingly, was extremely packed. He knew it was a weekend and he knew that tourism increased during Summer break but that didn’t help to stop a frown from reaching his lips. As more people piled in, he could feel the uncomfortable press of foreign bodies and quiet chatter of complete strangers. 

It would have been practically unbearable if not for the one person he didn’t mind being around. 

A loud-talking businessman squeezed his way in at the last second, unintentionally knocking over Hinata. Tobio intuitively reached out, managing to catch him from actually falling over. 

“Are you alright?” Tobio asked as he pulled Hinata up. 

“I’m fine,” he replied, tightening his grip on Tobio’s arm. “I’m gonna hold on though, that guy stole my handle.”   
  
Tobio wanted to reply but a blush-filled nod would have to suffice. If the heat of sardine-packed people in a train car with broken AC wasn’t enough, then the pure warmth of Hinata’s presence was sure to give Tobio a heat stroke. 

“Say, Kageyama… do you have any plans for today?” Hinata asked, veering his chin up just to look at Tobio. 

“N-Nothing!”   


Hinata smiled. “Wanna follow me, then?”

Tobio nearly combusted on the spot. 

They stayed on the train for a long time and watched as people filed off stop after stop. They switched lines a couple times, but Tobio never dared to question where they were going (but he was concerned he wouldn’t have enough money for the ride back). Hinata made his ever-present light conversation and Tobio absently thought that they could consider this a date. 

He then mentally slapped himself because  _ no _ , he shouldn’t assume things about Hinata. He was just grateful for his company whether the intention was romantic or platonic. 

Eventually, Hinata pulled him off the train and lead him down sidewalks and alleyways. Grey clouds were beginning to form in the sky and before long they were racing to take cover as a torrential downpour began as they reached a long strip of covered shops. 

“Really rain?” Hinata shouted to the sky. “You couldn’t have, oh I don’t know, waited a few more hours?”   
  
“Be quiet, dumbass!” Tobio shouted back. He tried to ignore the rude shushes from the bystanders and shop owners. 

Hinata groaned and latched back onto Tobio’s wrist. “The stupid rain ruins everything!” He continued to gripe as he dragged him down the line of shops. 

“What the hell are you talking about?” Tobio grumbled back. 

Hinata stopped them at the edge of the pavement. Before them was a railing, a couple park benches, and a drop off to an expansive yet empty beach. The ocean glistened as fat raindrops plunged themselves back into the water where they belonged. Even with the heavy rains, the beach was surprisingly serene. The waves still crashed into the shore and the sand still swirled with the wind, but there was a sort of calmness that seemed to draw Tobio in. 

Hinata finally released his grip. “I wanted to take you somewhere new and cool but the stupid rain had other plans I guess.” His brown eyes searched out towards the horizon, heavy with some sort of guilt that Tobio could never fully understand. 

“Well if you told me we were going to the beach we could’ve brought swimsuits and stuff,” Tobio huffed. “And besides, I’ve been here before. We came here on a class trip back in elementary school.”   
  
“Wha— _ Really? _ ” 

“Yeah, but it’s been awhile so don’t worry too much about it. I can barely remember.”   
  
Hinata nodded absently. “I know we’ve only known each other for a little while, but I feel like you’ve given me a lot of good memories so far. So thank you.”   
  
“Sure, yeah whatever,” Tobio stuttered out. 

Hinata turned towards him and slipped his hand into Tobio’s like it was completely natural. And in a way it was. While Hinata’s hand was noticeably smaller it fit well into Tobios. Not to mention, the touch alone sent a wave of shivers down Tobio’s spine. 

“I wanted this to all go a lot differently but I guess here we are,” Hinata said. 

Tobio raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”   
  
“Kageyama, I like you.”   


Kageyama Tobio’s brain was mostly functional. He was good at memorization and patterns but poor at school subjects involving the arts; yet his skills for music were evident after years of training on the guitar. His brain allowed him to move the way he wanted, it produced normal dreams, and it helped him to process heavily emotional moments. 

But there was the fault—he couldn’t  _ actually  _ process the words that somehow escaped the lips of the boy he was desperately in love with. 

Turmoil ensued. Pandemonium in its natural form as the different aspects that made up one Kageyama Tobio all tried to understand the situation in their own way. It was unprecedented after all. 

The Pessimistic Tobio had condemned himself to a corner, completely sure he would never see this day. The Hopeless Romantic Tobio joined him with heavy tears. The Worrisome Tobio questioned if this was all a rouse; surely Hinata meant  _ as a friend _ . The Optimistic Tobio was crying of happiness because this moment he knew was coming was  _ finally  _ happening. The Devil Tobio said  _ oh Hinata’s pranking us, he would never mean such a thing.  _ The Angel Tobio argued back  _ Hinata’s not like that, he actually likes us.  _ The Virgin Tobio was being pushed out the door by the Horny Tobio but the Careful Tobio stopped them since that was rushing things just a bit too much. 

The Calm Tobio did what he did best—he diminished the fears of the other Tobio’s and recalled a time back to middle school. A time when Tobio actually got along with his bandmates and talked to them about logistics concerning their band. A time when Tobio said with complete certainty  _ dating in a band only leads to trouble.  _

His internal soliloquy continued on like this for what seemed like eternity. But the meteor of realization was crashing in, completely destroying everything inside Tobio’s (barely) functioning brain.

It’s mutual. 

Tobio began to return to the present, noticeably missing a few brain cells. He blinked a few times, still staring at Hinata. 

“Kageyama?” He questioned, trying to see inside Tobio’s mind. “Hello? Kageyama? Can you hear me?”   
  
It took him nearly all his strength and concentration, but Tobio managed to nod in response. 

“Okaayy… while you try to digest all that I guess I’ll keep talking,” Hinata chuckled lightly. “Listen, you don’t even have to respond back. You have a hard time putting things into words too and I get that since I’m the same way. So.. if you could just… ah listen maybe? I’ll try to do my best to voice everything out even though I’m not super good at that…

“I like you, Kageyama. Not in a friend way. Like in a  _ like _ like way, ya know? I don’t know when I started to or what exactly made me but… I like you Kageyama. And I want to date you but I don’t know if I’m ready yet for what comes with dating. I’m still processing everything that happened with my ex but I do know for sure that I like you. And I want to be around you. And I do want to date you, I just want to take things super slowly if that’s alright. If you even like me back… 

“That’s it really. I like you. A lot. Like a whole lot. But I need time and patience.”   
  
Tobio managed to compose himself. “I like you too, Hinata.”   
  
His eyes went huge with this new sort of light. “You do?”   
  
“I do. A-and I’m sorry for kissing you in the stairwell. It was really spur of the moment and I didn’t even ask beforehand and I know you’re dealing with a lot and that’s okay. You can have all the time you need. I’ll be waiting for you, every step of the way.”   
  
“Really?”

Tobio nodded firmly, drawing Hinata in closer. “Really. And I want to date you too. We can take it as slow as you need.”

Hinata let out a heavy breath. “Thank you.”   
  
“Can I kiss you?”   
  
Hinata nodded frantically and in no time Tobio connected the space between their lips. It was a sort of perfect kiss Tobio decided even though he’d only been kissed once before. Even with his lack of experience, it still seemed like utter perfection. It was slow and drawn out and completely natural. The rain and the sidewalk and the ocean melted away until all Tobio could perceive was Hinata in his arms. 

Hinata smiled against his lips. “I like you,” he repeated. 

Tobio smiled back. “I like you, too.”   
  
Hinata suddenly pulled away and pushed Tobio out into the rain. It was a surprising relief from the humidity despite the fact Tobio generally disliked getting soaked. But it was hard to dislike things when in the presence of a bubbly force like Hinata. He was giggling nonstop, leading them through a messy dance under the clouds. He gave Tobio a peck each time he messed up so he didn’t exactly manage to get any better. Regardless, Tobio basked in the rain with Hinata at his side and no one could take that away from him. 

\---

“Can I spend the night?”   
  
Tadashi’s eyes rose from his phone. Before him was a rare view: Tsukki on the train without any headphones in sight. It was something Tadashi hadn’t bare witness to since… middle school? Had it really been that long?   
  
Regardless, Tsukki was staring at him with all intensity and a slight quiver in his lips. He was scared. 

“Of course you can,” Tadashi replied upon picking up Tsukki’s strange mood. “My mom’s not home for a couple days though so you’ll have to bear my cooking.”   
  
Tsukki pressed his lips together. “How often do you see your mom?”   
  
Tadashi shot his eyes away. He did value honesty, but admitting to the fact you practically lived alone at age 15 was a little embarrassing even if it was just Tsukki that he was telling. His mother worked as a flight attendant in order to save money for Tadashi’s college. He couldn’t be anything but grateful for the fact that she worked so hard for him but it’d been years since he actually considered her to be ‘home’. She might have a day or two off, but the airport and the sky was where she remained while Tadashi sat in that little apartment by himself. 

“I see her everytime she comes home.” Mostly true. “But she’s been working a lot more lately.” True. “We still talk a lot though!” False. 

Tsukki nodded. “Any plans for Summer break?” 

Tadashi took a moment to respond considering the fact he was genuinely taken aback. Tsukki was never one for direct conversations with loaded questions and semi-formal regards. It was strange to say the least; whatever he was scared about was evidently taking a toll on him. 

“Nothing as usual! But I guess I’ll be working and practicing since we have that live show coming up… Why do you ask?”

Tsukki became quiet. He was usually quiet, speaking only for a clever remark or a snide comment, but this sort of quiet was different; like he was forcibly silenced against his own will. He bounced his leg with a teeming nervous energy. 

“Akiteru’s coming home for the break,” Tsukki said in a low voice.   
  
“Oh.”   
  
Tadashi had been the unfortunate witness to the Tsukishima brother’s broken relationship. He was there when they got along how brothers should: with affection and teasing and pride. He was there when Tsukki poured his all into learning bass so he could be like his brother one day. He was there when the truth behind Akiteru’s life came to light. He was there when Tsukki’s smile faded into a grimace. He was there when Tsukki cried horrible, gut-wrenching sobs all night. He was there when Tsukki decided that bands were pointless and that they needed to break up. He was there when Tsukki returned to orchestra and unhappily played his cello for years. 

Tadashi was there every step of the way. So there was really only one thing to say. 

“Tsukki, you can stay as long as you need,” Tadashi said, his voice soft. “But if you’re staying over, we’re splitting the chores.”   
  
“I don’t see why you should make your guest do housework,” Tsukki quipped. 

Tadashi snorted. “Excuse me? I’m feeding you my lovely homemade dishes for the low, low price of nothing so the least you could do is clean the dishes.”

Tsukki rolled his eyes dramatically. 

“Oh that reminds me, I have to stop by the store. Anything in particular you’re craving?”   
  
Tsukki leaned back against the seat. “Whatever you want.”   
  
“Okay, well in that case I think a simple curry should be fine. We should probably pick up some baking ingredients too otherwise I have a feeling you’ll get sugar deprived within a day.”   
  
Tsukki’s eyes lit up a little bit at the mention of sweets. Tadashi couldn’t help but laugh. He knew Tsukki like the back of his own hand, maybe even better. He could be difficult to read sometimes but at the end of the day there was nothing a good strawberry shortcake couldn’t solve. 

They spent the rest of the evening together like they’d always done. It was comforting to have someone next to Tadashi. All of these mundane things he’d gotten used to doing alone—buying groceries, cooking, eating, baking, cleaning—was no doubt more entertaining with someone to hold an actual conversation with. It made even the nuisances bearable. The once empty apartment was filled with talking and laughter. 

Absently, Tadashi selfishly hoped Tsukki would never want to go back. He could imagine them living in this little apartment together for a long time. They could make meals together, watch their favorite movies (or rather, Tsukki’s boring documentaries and Tadashi’s dumb horror flicks), play video games, or really do anything as long as it involved each other. 

It didn’t actually hit him until he was midway through his nightly shower what that kind of thought meant. Because after all, best friends may be roommates but they aren’t defined by this soft domesticism Tadashi obviously craved. 

Best friends didn’t blush when they brushed knees or bumped into each other in the kitchen. Best friends didn’t wish to spend every aching moment together. Best friends didn’t share this weird feeling pooling in Tadashi’s stomach every time he thought of Tsukki. 

Tadashi aggressively scrubbed his head. He didn’t even want to consider what his true feelings were towards Tsukki. They were best friends. End of story. Nothing more. 

Tadashi abruptly turned off the hot water. The cold flooded in and shocked him into thinking about more appropriate things. Like how he was excited for rehearsal tomorrow and how he had a bit of chemistry homework left. He wrapped himself in his towel and made his way towards the mirror.

He wiped off the condensation and took a good look at himself in the mirror. His hair was still sopping but it was definitely getting too long. It seemed to hang down in straight clumps—not attractive in the slightest. Not to mention he had a load of freckles visible on what seemed like every inch of his skin. They collected heavy on his nose, shoulders, and thighs (although that last spot no one needed to know about). 

Tadashi, staring back at himself, couldn’t help but wonder what the hell Tsukki thought of him. With looks like this, what was it that maintained their friendship for so long?

Tadashi let out a heavy sigh and quickly dressed before returning back to his room. Tsukki was lying on his bed, idly scrolling through his phone with his headphones placed beside him. 

At that moment, it dawned on Tadashi that they were completely alone. For whatever reason, it made his heartbeat go wild and his palms go sweaty. He’d been along with Tsukki any number of times before but somehow this was different and Tadashi didn’t understand why. 

Tsukki, evidently, didn’t have the same realization. “Do you want to watch a movie or something?” He asked lazily, not even bothering to look up from his phone. 

“Yeah, sure,” Tadashi sputtered back. “But we’re not watching a documentary.” 

Tsukki set down his phone. “I heard that the new whale one on Netflix was pretty good, though.” 

Tadashi snorted, pushing Tsukki’s legs off the bed in order to make room for himself. “Yeah, no that sounds awful.”

Tsukki finally sat up, his hip directly next to Tadashi’s. He might not have the biggest bed but that surely didn’t warrant them sitting  _ this  _ close. Tadashi could pick up every little detail of Tsukki. The smell of Tadashi’s soap and toothpaste, the tiny beauty mark on his neck, the look in his eyes that for once Tadashi really couldn’t place. It was overwhelming. 

“Well we’re not watching  _ The Ring _ again,” Tsukki retorted. 

“Hey, that’s a good movie and you know it.”

They looked at each other for a moment before collectively bursting out into laughter. Tadashi absently thought that Tsukki’s laugh really did sound horrible; he did it so little that the breaths were sharp and hoarse-sounding. He needed to laugh a lot more often if he wanted the same ease as Tadashi’s. It was still endearing in a way though since it was wholly Tsukki's. 

“Okay okay,” Tadashi chuckled. “Compromise:  _ Sky High. _ ”

Tsukki shrugged. “Yeah, why not.”

Tadashi gave him a quick flash of teeth before retrieving his laptop and setting up the film. It was one they’d both seen as children but now watched with a comfortable ease. They settled against the headboard, surrounded by pillows and plushies (including a dinosaur one Tsukki had gifted him for one of his birthdays), illuminated only by the light of the screen and the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling. 

Somewhere along the way, Tadashi must’ve dozed off as he awoke to his head on Tsukki’s shoulder with a bit of drool staining his shirt. Tadashi immediately reeled back and said a thousand sorry’s as he attempted to wipe the drool away. 

Tsukki snorted. “If you’re tired, go to sleep.”

Tadashi began to protest but a yawn cut him off. He truly wanted to stay up but his body had other plans. He drifted off again only to wake up a few hours later. 

Moonlight streamed in through the window, highlighting the sharp curves of Tsukki’s face. He looked completely peaceful while sleeping, even with a soft smile that so rarely adorned his face. At some point, Tadashi’s arms had naturally clung around Tsukki’s waist but even more surprising was that Tsukki had an arm carefully placed on Tadashi’s shoulder. 

It shouldn’t have been that big of a surprise, really. This was how they’d slept for years during childhood sleepovers. Somewhere along the way though, Tsukki relinquished himself to a futon instead of sharing the bed.

Tadashi nuzzled his head against Tsukki’s chest. If he didn’t know any better, it felt like Tsukki drew him in closer. 

He fell asleep like that once more with Tsukki’s constant heartbeat in his ear and his arm wrapped around his shoulder. 

Content. 

\---

_ “I’m joining a band!” _

_ Kei stopped mid-bite to shoot his brother a look composed of equal surprise and excitement. “A band? That’s so cool!” he cheered, setting down his chopsticks.  _

_ “Isn’t it?” Akiteru laughed. “We’re still deciding on the name but I’m going to be playing bass guitar and singing.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Kei gave him a big smile. At age 8, Kei genuinely believed there was nothing in the world that his brother couldn’t do.  _

_ \--- _

_ Kei perked up at the sound of their closing front door. He immediately leaped out of bed and turned the corner to see Akiteru practically collapsed in the doorway.  _

_ “Welcome home!” Kei cheered, bending down to his brother’s level.  _

_ Akiteru wrestled his shoes off. “Thanks.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “How did your rehearsal go?” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Akiteru grinned, regaining a bit of his lost energy. “Really great. We have a full song now and it sounds great. I can’t wait for you to hear it.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Kei helped Akiteru to stand. “When’s your next performance?” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Well we don’t have one scheduled right now but you’re welcome to watch us rehearse,” Akiteru suggested. “We mainly use the space in the music shop. Why don’t you bring your friend Tadashi along too? You two are pretty close, right?” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Kei bounced his leg. “We’re not  _ that  _ close.” _

_ Akiteru chuckled. “Whatever you say. You’re definitely a lot nicer to him than me though.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ Kei pouted, even if it was the truth. At age 10, Kei wanted nothing more than to go to a concert with Yamaguchi in order to see Akiteru perform.  _

_ \--- _

_ Kei looked over his fledgling band with a swelling sense of pride. He stopped his gaze on Yamaguchi who was probably as happy as a person could be. His smile was wide and his cheeks were rosy.  _

_ “I’m looking forward to working with everyone,” Yamaguchi said.  _

_ The other band members, kids from their class, nodded along. They were talented for their age group which was all that Kei needed. After looking up to his brother for so many years, Kei could finally follow in his footsteps.  _

_ He sent Akiteru a quick text message about his band’s formation.  _

_ Akiteru responded back by saying _ In rehearsal, can’t talk. 

_ Kei wasn’t super pleased about the message but knew better than to question his brother. He had his own band that he needed to worry about.  _

_ At age 11, Kei ignored his better judgement and neglected the small warning signs that came his way.  _

_ \--- _

Shouyou had long memorized these neighborhood streets. How the alleyways connected, the fastest route to the local ice cream shop, the best places to go searching for bugs. He knew the writing on the underside of the slides in the park and he knew the stones he used to kick along the sidewalk. It was all ingrained in his body and came flooding back to him the moment he stepped off the train. 

The Summer heat only seemed to draw out these memories even more. A childhood spent with close friends. An adolescence that could never be recaptured. 

He followed the familiar trail back to his old apartment complex. Little had changed in the years since they moved. The street vendors and shop owners still recognized him with a glowing warmth, commenting on how he’d grown. A few even mentioned how much they missed him and Atsumu hanging around. Shouyou gave them a careful nod and a promise to return soon. They seemed satisfied. 

He stopped before the apartment complex. Shouyou never considered himself one for nostalgia but it seemed like that happy reminiscing was all he had left. He liked those days. 

Shouyou weaved his way through the complex, ascending four flights of stairs until he reached the apartment with an old welcome sign and a copious amount of plants. He knocked three times like it was second nature. 

Osamu appeared from behind the door. “Hey, Shouyou,” he said with a small smile. “Thanks for coming all this way.”   
  
Shouyou nodded. “Yeah no problem!”

A waft of something that smelled utterly delicious hit Shouyou’s nose. He couldn’t even distinguish the smell he just knew that whatever it was it had to be incredible. 

“Want to come inside?” Osamu asked. 

Shouyou followed his stomach instead of his head and entered the apartment. Not much had changed since the last time Shouyou was here. Although, Atsumu’s door was noticeably closed. It still had those stupid keep out signs he made with Shouyou when they were younger, along with a few crude drawings X’ing out a figure that looked suspiciously close to Osamu. 

The bathroom door was closed also. Shouyou was silently grateful. That was probably the one place he never wanted to return to. 

Osamu lead him to the kitchen and showed off the shrimp fried rice he was making. Shouyou hopped onto a stool behind the counter, anxiously awaiting his own serving. 

“So why’d you wanna talk?” Shouyou didn’t intend to be blunt but Osamu sort of jumped at the question. 

“I wanna apologize,” Osamu conceded. He scooped some rice into a bowl and gave it to Shouyou. He immediately called out a blessing and dug in without much thought as Osamu continued. “I didn’t realize how much of a burden givin’ you ‘Tsumu’s guitar would be. At the time, it was just one more thing I didn’t wanna look at. I shouldn’t have forced it on ya like that.”   
  
Shouyou shook his head. “Don’t be sorry,” he said, still chewing a little bit. He swallowed and went on. “It turned out to be for the best. I mean, if I’d never received his guitar then I would have never joined my band. Expressing myself through music has been super helpful.”   
  
“I know. I went to your show.”

“Really? I’m so glad!”

Osamu sighed. “It was awful.”   
  
Shouyou let out a brilliant burst of laughter. He nearly choked from the fits of uncontainable giggles. Osamu idly stood by as Shouyou attempted to regain his composure but ultimately fell back into his happy laughs. 

“Sorry,” he crowed as he wiped a tear from his eye. “You’re the best ‘Samu, you know that right?”   
  
Osamu snorted. “So I’m the better twin, then?”   
  
“Yeah, by far.”   
  
Osamu joined in with his laughter, although he managed to keep his relatively contained. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that your band was awful. It’s awful you got pushed to a place where you had to let everything out like that. Also I couldn’t stop crying so that was pretty awful.”

Shouyou’s laughs died down. “Yeah, your crying  _ is  _ pretty awful but I’m grateful you gave it the guitar to me. Isn’t kinda weird though? The thing he left behind ended up becoming my everything.”   
  
Osamu smiled. “Yeah, I guess so.”

They sat like that for a while, talking and reminiscing and catching up on each other’s lives. Osamu was doing well with his school and friends there; apparently one of his fellow classmates had even caught his eye. Shouyou managed to tell him about Kageyama. Osamu wished them the best and told Shouyou it was time for him to be happy again. 

After all of the fried rice was gone and the sun was hanging low in the sky, Shouyou decided to take his leave. He stopped as he came to Atsumu’s room though. 

“Did ya wanna go inside?” Osamu asked, resting his hand on the door. 

“Yeah… if you don’t mind,” Shouyou said quietly back. 

Osamu opened it to reveal that not much had changed with the exception that the room was clean for once. But the posters, photos, and CDs all lay their respective place like Atsumu had never left. Shouyou walked around, dragging his finger along the dusty desk until he eventually came to sat on Atsumu’s bed. Osamu stood in the doorway. 

“For some reason, I was expecting a totally different room,” Shouyou admitted. 

Osamu nodded. “My parents thought it’d be best not to touch anything for a while. They cleaned up everything while lookin’ for a note but haven’t done much since.”

Shouyou opened the night stand drawer. Tucked beneath random papers and notebooks was a little photo taken at a silly little photo booth. It was about a month after they’d started dating; they went to an amusement park and sealed off the day with a bunch of photos including this one. It was the first kiss they’d captured on camera. 

Shouyou smiled back at the memory. 

“Y’know, you can keep that if you want,” Osamu said. “I mean it’s not like he’s gonna miss it or anything.”   
  
Shouyou shook his head. He rose from the bed and found an extra thumb tack on the desk. He pinned up the photo next to one of them as kids. 

“I don’t need it,” Shouyou assured. “I’ll let ‘Tsumu keep it.”

Shouyou took one last look at Atsumu’s room. He’d spent countless hours there but he could say with certainty that he didn’t feel nostalgia over it. He felt… closure. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session thirteen: Every You Every Me


	13. Every You Every Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey... hey... how yall doin 
> 
> lol I apologize for the late update life and work and stuff got in the way but here we are! 
> 
> im gonna try my best to get back on schedule but this week may be a tad wonky lo siento 
> 
> anyways enjoy!!! love you!!!!

“We know.”

Shouyou blinked, trying to register Tsukishima’s firm declaration and Yamaguchi’s nervous acknowledgement. He turned towards Kageyama, who could only manage to stare ahead. 

“What the hell do you mean _we know?_ ” He nearly shouted. They received a few weary glances from the other patrons of the cafe who were only trying to eat their lunch in peace, but it was obvious Kageyama didn’t care. 

“You kissed directly off stage,” Tsukishima stated, bored. “Of course we could see you two. You didn’t exactly try very hard to conceal this fact.”

Blush creeped onto Kageyama’s ears. “Well shouldn’t it still be a shock that we’re dating?” He questioned, raising up him and Shouyou’s interconnected hands. 

“Not really…” Yamaguchi laughed, scratching at his chin. “You sort of admitted to me that you were in love with Hinata.”  
  
Kageyama shot a panicked look at Shouyou, then back at Yamaguchi. Shouyou couldn’t gauge what was going on inside of his head but he figured it was along the lines of _what the fuck._ It was sort of amusing to watch Kageyama as he retorted back with a flustered, “Shut up!”   
  
“It was inevitable,” Tsukishima decided. “The way the two of you have looked at each other from day one was disgusting. Moving forward, please refrain from excessive PDA and emotional love confessions. We’d greatly appreciate it.”

“Hold on, hold on,” Shouyou said, raising his free hand. “You’re saying that you’re okay with us dating?”

“I don’t see a reason why we shouldn’t,” Yamaguchi offered. 

“Well, band couples have a tendency to bring arguments into practice,” Kageyama explained. 

Tsukishima raised an eyebrow. “So you’re seeking disapproval then?”

“No but—“

“Also, you two argue enough in rehearsal as is. And you practically already act as a couple. I can’t imagine there would be much of a change.”

Now Shouyou could feel the thick heat rising to his own cheeks. Did they really act like a couple? He only realized his feelings for Kageyama recently, how long had they been acting in this manner? Or had it always been like this… 

Shouyou couldn’t deny there was some sort of immediate feeling that drew him to Kageyama. At the time, he thought it was gratitude mixed with fascination. As Shouyou began to understand who Kageyama truly was, somehow admiration had turned into adoration. 

“Sorry I’m late!” Yachi called, pulling up a chair to their small little arrangement. “I missed my train. What’s going on?”

“Hinata and I are dating,” Kageyama announced once more. 

Yachi let out a high pitched squeak. “Wh-what? _Really?_ Oh my, this is such a surprise.” 

Kageyama nodded proudly. “Now this is the correct reaction.” Tsukishima rolled his eyes. 

“N-not like a bad surprise though,” Yachi continued. “A good one! Like a really good one! Oh, congratulations! I’m so happy for you two!”

“Thanks, Yachi-san!” Shouyou cheered back. 

“So you don’t have any objections either?” Kageyama pressed. 

Yachi shook her head. “Of course not! Well, on a personal level at least. I’m super supportive of you two of course, but it might be best to keep it under wraps when it concerns band matters.” 

“Why’s that?” Yamaguchi asked. 

Yachi pressed her lips together. “As much as we may approve your relationship, unfortunately the whole world doesn’t think in the same way. There’s a lot of people in Japan who still don’t accept it even after this long. I’m sure that you can come out eventually, but for now it might be best to keep it quiet.”

“I agree,” Tsukishima added. 

Kageyama frowned. “You only agree because you don’t want to see PDA.”

“Well yes, but Yachi is only telling the truth. Do whatever you please in private but abstain from posting anything on social media for the time being,” Tsukishima instructed. 

Shouyou pouted. He honestly didn’t know how to feel considering he’d already gone through a relationship in secret. It didn’t exactly bode well considering how many people found out, but Shouyou still didn’t like the idea that he couldn’t just be himself as he wanted to. 

But then again, maybe it was for the best. It gave him and Kageyama a little bit more time to understand their feelings for one another without the pressure of the outside world. Shouyou didn’t even know if he could call him his boyfriend at this point; there was a lot to unpack still so being quiet might be a good option. 

“I guess that makes sense,” Shouyou huffed. “But that just means you two have to be less obvious about it too!”

He received a round of raised eyebrows and curled lips.

“Ah Hinata?” Yamaguchi pressed. “…Who are you talking about?”

Shouyou let out a snort but no one else was laughing. Kageyama sent him a look that read exactly as _shut the hell up, dumbass._

Listen, Shouyou wasn’t new to the whole ‘childhood best friend turned lover’ ordeal. He’d been friends with Kenma and Kuroo for years after all; with how much they stared at one another, Shouyou was genuinely surprised they hadn’t burned a hole through the other’s skull. That quick flash of eyes was indistinguishable. And it just so happened to be the exact way that Yamaguchi and Tsukishima looked at one another. 

Kageyama leaned in close and whispered into his hand, “I don’t think they’re together yet.”  
  
Shouyou jumped away. “Really?” He screamed back. The other cafe customers glared their way but returned back to their own conversations soon. 

Shouyou cleared his throat. “Ignore that. Anyways, thanks for supporting our relationship! We appreciate it a lot.”  
  
“Of course, Hinata-kun!” Yachi smiled back. Yamaguchi gave him a warm grin as well but Tsukishima, like always, had to ruin the mood with his cold stare. With the way he rested his head on his hands and stared at them from behind his glasses, Shouyou couldn’t help but think he looked like a villain out of a shonen manga. Regardless, the flat expression he offered actually had quite a bit of depth once Shouyou looked closely enough. 

It was almost as if Tsukishima was trying to silently say, _I know who you’re talking about._

\---

Shouyou’s mind was swirling with notes and clefs and staves and sharps and a million more musical jargon terms he didn’t see necessary for learning to play guitar but apparently made the world of difference. 

Music theory was a boring hobby taken up by failed musicians and it was decidedly the last way he wanted to spend his Summer break. But day after day, he met with Yachi early in the morning so they could go over some new lesson about music theory before Shouyou was sent off to rehearsals. Unlike their string of terrible sessions before the live show, the most recent set of rehearsals had actually been quite productive. The new instrumental songs they were developing were taking solid form. Rehearsals ended with a quick bite to eat and then it was off to work where Shouyou took mental notes about the different bands performing. They ranged in experience and style so it was always a genuine treat to figure out how this thing called music seemed to connect them all together. 

Music was in Shouyou’s brain 24/7. It accompanied him on train rides, it was flowing off the paper, it was being created in his hands, it reached his ears in new ways, it was truly everywhere he went. And he loved it. The little tunes that rung through his head were starting to become full songs. The jingles on TV or background noises flooding the streets were all coming together in an elegant symphony. 

The only issue remained that he didn’t have the words to accompany the music. 

Shouyou groaned and let his head fall onto the piano. Yachi giggled beside him as the ugly notes rang out. 

“Hinata-kun, do you want to take a break?” Yachi asked. 

Shouyou turned his head, pressing down on more of the keys. “Piano’s hard,” he grumbled, finally managing to sit up. 

Yachi gave him a soft smile. “It can be beautiful though.”  
  
“Is that why you started playing it?” 

“Oh no not at all!” Yachi said, waving her arms. “Back in middle school, I wasn’t planning on joining a club but then this super pretty third year came up to me and convinced me that I should join orchestra. I didn’t want to but she was so pretty I was convinced it was a crime to say no. She grabbed my hands and said I had the fingers of a pianist and then she ended up teaching me how to play the piano. Even after she graduated, I kept playing since it was a nice past time.”

Shouyou nodded. “Are you going to keep playing?”  
  
“I like showing off the beauty of music so… yeah. I’ll keep playing as long as people want to hear it.”   
  
Love. Pain. Grief. Pining. Content. So many things could be said with no words at all. The beauty of instruments, after all, was their universality. The emotions poured into a song didn’t need a single lyric to accompany them in order to connect with the audience. 

And yet, Shouyou had so many things to say. 

“Yachi-san, could you help me with something?” Shouyou asked. 

“Yeah, what is it?”  
  
“I think I’m ready to write a song.”

\---

Tadashi almost forgot what living alone was like.

Almost. 

Him and Tsukki had fallen into a routine now that Summer break was in full swing. They effortlessly glided around each other as they headed off to their respective jobs or met up for rehearsals. They always managed to eat breakfast together, no matter the occasion. 

When Tadashi’s mother came in for a day, she even commented on how well they worked together. Tadashi tried to stop her comments as Tsukki thanked her for letting him stay.

Tadashi’s mother just laughed. “Honestly Kei-kun, you should just move in at this point!”

Tadashi nearly collapsed on the spot. He hushed her and waved her off to her room, insisting that she needed more sleep and that she should rest while she was home. 

“Oh by the way, I’ll be leaving again on the 7th,” his mother said as she was ushered away. “So Kei-kun you better take Tadashi to the festival. Oh, how about I buy you two new yukatas?”

“You really don’t have to,” Tadashi sighed.

She grabbed at his cheek, pinching it a little bit. “What happened to my little Tadashi who begged to go to Tanabata with Kei-kun?”

“ _Mom!_ ”

She patted him on the cheek. “Fine, fine. I’m still buying them for you two. I’ll let you get back to your normal lives.”  
  
She closed the bedroom door with a wink. Tadashi didn’t even want to begin to think about what that could possibly mean. He trudged back to the kitchen where Tsukki was finishing up his breakfast. 

“Sorry she’s so embarrassing,” Tadashi groaned as he slumped into the chair across from Tsukki. 

“It’s not something to apologize for,” Tsukki insisted.

Tadashi sighed. His mother was nice, yes, but overbearing. The little time she was home she showered him with affection for a few minutes and insisted that was good parenting. Nothing had changed even with Tsukki around. 

“Still it seems like a bit much…” Tadashi grumbled. 

Tsukki raised an eyebrow. “Tanabata is your favorite festival. Why wouldn’t she want you to have fun and celebrate how you want to?”

Despite the fact that they had been friends for the better part of six years, Tadashi still got a little bit shocked when Tsukki knew random facts about him. Tadashi knew… well practically all there was to know about Tsukki. And yet at the same time it amazed Tadashi just how clueless he was because _of course_ your best friend knows when your favorite festival is; you drag him along every year, after all. 

“I guess you’re right.” Tadashi looped his fingers together, turning his hands over again and again. “Aren’t yukatas a bit much though? I haven’t worn one since… middle school?”  
  
“Maybe it’s time then.”   
  
Sure enough, Tadashi’s mother supplied them each with a new yukata and on the evening of the 7th, they silently adorned their respective robes. Tadashi’s was a sort of forestry green, speckled with little white stars that bunched together at the hems. Tsukki’s was more elegant— a midnight blue with the phases of the moon shown in simple circles that ran vertically through the garment. 

To put it simply, Tsukki was absolutely stunning. 

Tadashi had to physically turn his head away in order to get himself to stop glaring at Tsukki; it was like he was some sort model or something oh _god_ why did he have to look so good in that? 

Tsukki made quiet conversation as they walked towards the festival grounds. Tadashi filled in the silent gaps, oversharing his excitement for the night. The streets were thriving with couples old and young who made their way through the jungle of multicolored paper decorations. Fairy lights twinkled underneath the stars, casting the whole neighborhood in warm hues. Kids laughed with sparklers held tightly in their clutch while adults roamed the long line of food stalls. Vendors advertised their trifles and trinkets as blushing teens strolled along, their hands managing to find each other for the first time. 

And Tadashi was completely captivated by all of it.

In some perfect world, he’d be able to wander these streets forever with Tsukki a step behind, there to make sly remarks and indulge Tadashi’s childish demands. They could live off of takoyaki and yakitori and cotton candy. They could play the stupid little festival games and win each other cute stuffed animals. They could buy their fortunes, always hoping to get a good one but knowing they don’t really need it. They could spend their entire lives amongst the colorful decorations. They could stay by each other’s sides for… forever. 

But then again, the special part about Tanabata was its ephemerality. An impermanent landmark dedicated to something as trivial as eternal love. 

As they made their way through the happy crowd, Tadashi found the main booth were people excitedly casted their wishes onto a slip of paper. He didn’t know what good writing out your dream actually did, but it was tradition after all. Tadashi’s wish had never been the same. He used to wish for his bullies to go away. He’d wish for luck. He’d wish for friends. He’d wish for good grades and clear skin. One year, he even wished for Tsukki to feel happy again. In all of these wishes, he wanted his life to improve. He wanted more than what he already had. 

Tadashi scribbled out a simple sentence. 

_I wish I’m always this happy._

As he finished up, he slyly tucked the slip behind his back. “Tsukki, what did you wish for?” Tadashi asked, pressing in close. 

Tsukki shielded his own paper. “It’s the same as every year.”  
  
“Oh so you’re still hoping that your eyes can magically reverse back to normal?”   
  
Tsukki finished his writing and stepped away from the table. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!” He grinned. Tsukki smiled a little too. 

They hung up their wishes alongside the hundreds of others that adorned the trees, careful not to reveal their answers. Truth was, Tadashi never knew what Tsukki wished for. In a way though, the guessing game was more satisfying than the actual answer. 

They resumed their aimless wandering until the moon hung high in the sky and the stars shone just a bit brighter. They snuck away from the crowd to an open field hidden away from the rest of the festival goers as fireworks began to illuminate the sky. Tadashi thrummed his hands against knees to the beat of their explosions. It was like a choreographed dance as the flames danced across the night. 

When Tadashi dared to rip his eyes away, he was pleasantly surprised to find Tsukki engaged with the show as well. The barely noticeable smile that lit up his face was even a greater sight than the fireworks. 

Tadashi fell back into the grass, letting his hand rest in the space between him and Tsukki. He was itching to close the distance but instead turned his attention towards the grand finale. They popped off in rapid succession, a million different colors erupting all at once. As the last sparks fizzled out, Tadashi sank deeper into the grass. Smoke trailed above them, fogging up their view of the constellations. 

“You know why it’s called Tanabata?” Tadashi asked, keeping his eyes locked on the gray sky. 

Tsukki scoffed. “A sky goddess fell in love with a mortal but her father disliked their relationship and separated the two. They became constellations but could no longer interact with one another. The only day they were able to see each other was the 7th day of the 7th month. You tell me every year, Yamaguchi.”

Tadashi giggled. “Guess I do.”  
  
The smog began to clear as the moonlight cascaded down onto the field. The constellation in question shone down on them from millions of light years away. Tadashi absently wondered if one day he could be part of an eternal love story like that. 

Slowly, like the fading smoke from the sky, the realization dawned on Tadashi. Amongst the millions of brilliant stars and the unwavering presence of the moon, he looked over at his best friend. 

Tadashi was already the protagonist of an eternal love story. 

\---

Kageyama Tobio was not a genius. 

He was simply a 15 year-old high schooler who had played the guitar long enough to know when a progression sounded pretty decent or sounded like complete horseshit. Unfortunately, the last part of his work-in-progress piece was closer towards the latter. 

Even more unfortunate, there were few that Tobio could discuss a matter like this. Most unfortunate, his best option happened to be the one person that Tobio didn’t want to go to. But even after all this time, a mentor was still a mentor. 

So that’s how Tobio found himself dressed in his serving uniform waiting outside a music studio on a Saturday morning. It probably wasn’t the best idea to be late to work, but he needed advice and he honestly was running out of options. 

Luckily, a quartet of familiar figures turned the corner. Before Oikawa could even get a word out, Matsukawa and Hanamaki were already running towards Tobio the moment they saw him. Tobio instantly thought he was back in middle school, desperately trying to absorb new information from his confident senpais. 

“Tobio-kun!” Matsukawa and Hanamaki called out in unison, each looping an arm around Tobio’s shoulders.

“When did you get so tall?” Hanamaki asked, standing on his tip-toes. “You’re not allowed to grow anymore.”  
  
“And what’s up with this outfit, man?” Matsukawa tugged on the collar of Tobio’s shirt. “Are you one of those people that get paid to cry at funerals?”

Hanamaki snorted. “You think Tobio-kun would ever cry for other people?”  
  
“Well maybe if he got paid well enough—”

Oikawa stomped up to them, Iwaizumi trailing behind with a single hand up as a sort of small apology. 

“Makki! Mattsun!” Oikawa called. “Both of you shoo.” He waved his hand absently but the two didn’t budge. Instead they actually tightened their grip on Tobio.

“Oikawa, he’s our kouhai too,” Hanamaki pointed out. 

Tobio managed to struggle free from their grasp. He sent himself into a low bow. “Please help me senpais.”

Oikawa let out a _hmm_. “Tobio-chan, why would we help out our enemy?”

Tobio raised his head a little bit. “Enemy?”  
  
Iwaizumi stepped forward. “We’ve been invited to the same musical festival as your band. We’ll be going up against you in a few months.”   
  
Oikawa stuck out his tongue pulled down on his eye. “So we’re not helping you! Dummy!”

He pushed past Tobio while Iwaizumi gave him a subtle nod and Hanamaki and Matsukawa began to mock Oikawa’s childish antics. Tobio couldn’t just let it end here though. He needed help and goddamnit Oikawa was going to give it to him. 

Tobio rushed in front of them, cutting them off before they could reach the door. He slammed his body into a bow and screamed, “PLEASE HELP ME SENPAIS!”

Oikawa jumped back a little bit while Hanamaki and Matsukawa began to giggle. 

“Tobio-kun, _please_ never change,” Matsukawa said between laughs. 

“Fine, fine!” Oikawa conceded. Tobio stood up straight. “What do you want?”

Tobio’s arms naturally sunk into his pockets. “I need help with writing a new song. I’m not sure what emotions I want to convey or what I want to say. Every attempt sounds like shit.”  
  
Oikawa rolled his eyes. “Let me guess: you’re writing it for that shrimp with the amazing voice and now you don’t know how to work with him.”   
  
“Man, his vocals were good,” Hanamaki commented. A spark lit in his eye. “Dude, we should totally replace Oikawa with that kid. Maybe we’d win a contest or something with a voice like that.”   
  
Iwaizumi shrugged his shoulders. “I’m not opposed.”   
  
Oikawa gaped at them. “Makki! Iwa-chan~! You can’t just replace me with that shrimp! I’m the face and voice of _Reyes_.”

“Exactly why we should replace you,” Matsukawa joked. 

Oikawa pouted, crossing his arms as he turned back to Tobio. “As your mentor, I’d say have you even considered writing the song with him? You’re being selfish to think you can present him with an entire song and just _expect_ him to understand it. That kid has a lot to say. If he’s the one writing the lyrics, then you have to collaborate in order to make things work. 

“But since I’m your rival, all I’m going to say is piss off and do whatever you want. I could care less.”

“Don’t you mean you _couldn’t_ care less?” Matsukawa corrected. 

“Whatever!” Oikawa pointed a finger at Tobio. “No matter how good your vocalist is, only the strongest band will win. And I have no intention of losing, Tobio-chan. Later!”

With the flash of a peace sign, Oikawa pushed past him and into the studio. Hanamaki and Matsukawa supplied him each with a good slap to the back as they passed by while Iwaizumi put a hand on his shoulder. 

“Bring your best,” Iwaizumi instructed. “We’ll still win but what’s the point of competing when your opponent isn’t giving it their all? Take care.”

Tobio let out a heavy breath. His hands were shaking horribly but he had no idea why. Regardless, he began to make his way back towards the train station. 

He might’ve been able to guess what Oikawa would say, but hearing it only affirmed a truth Tobio had been well aware of. For most of his life, music had b en a past time of his own. He started out performing alone and when he finally had the courage to let bandmates intervene, it only left him by himself once again. He had mentors and knew other musicians sure but the fear of being on stage completely alone was horrifying. Tobio never wanted to experience it again. 

Even with Year One, he continued to single himself out. But now that he had Hinata at his side, he wasn’t quite so lonely. It was time to retire the solitary crown and begin to write music with the peasants. 

\---

Kei stepped into his house for the first time in weeks. He called out a small, “I’m home”, desperately hoping for no response. 

Instead a, “Welcome home” was said back as Akiteru descended the stairs. 

Kei ignored his gaze and pushed past him towards his room. He just needed a few items—some clothes, a few extra pairs of socks, his inhaler. He could be out of here in no time and be on his way back to Yamaguchi’s if Akiteru knew what was best for him. 

But he didn’t. Akiteru followed him, hesitantly standing in the doorway as Kei filled up his duffel bag. 

“When are you coming back home?” He asked in a small voice.

Kei kept his eyes on his trembling hands as they packed another shirt away. “When are you leaving?”

“Kei, I’m serious. Can we please talk? I think we have a lot to discuss but you never let me speak.”

At age 15, Kei finally snapped. The first emotions he buried deep, deep down suddenly burst from his chest. The dam he’d built had been eroded and suddenly _everything_ was rushing forth and he didn’t know how to stop it. 

“Talk about what?” Kei shouted. “Huh? Talk about how you lied to me for years? How you wasted my time and our parents money? How you convinced me that the world of music was _so_ amazing but in reality is filled with traitors ready to stab you in the back at any moment?”   
  
Akiteru stepped forward. “Kei I didn’t want to disappoint you—”   
  
Kei shoved the final pieces into his bag. “You should consider your actions before you take them. You’re not a child, Akiteru. And I’m not a child either.”

“You’re sure acting like one though,” Akiteru countered. “I made mistakes, I’m not a perfect person. No one is. But I learned and I grew from them. Please, just hear me out.”  
  
Kei pushed past him, readjusting the grip on his bag. It was too much. Everything was too much. His shaky steps down the stairs did little to put distance between him and Akiteru. 

He left without another word. He wanted to get back to Yamaguchi as quickly as he could. 

\---

 _“Do you play an instrument?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _The small freckled boy shook his head. “I-I really like music,” he said, playing with the hem of his shirt, “but a lot of the people are scary.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Kei readjusted his glasses. “... My brother is in a band,” he mentioned._

 _The boy’s eyes lit up like stars. “Really? That’s so cool! Do you play an instrument?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I’m learning bass guitar.” Kei’s chest swelled with a sort of indescribable pride. He tried not to boast very often that his brother was in one of the best bands in the prefecture, but he couldn’t help himself. He wanted to be exactly like Akiteru, after all._

 _“Wow!” The boy sighed. “I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi by the way.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Tsukishima Kei.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Yamaguchi smiled. Kei had to turn his eyes away._

_“If you want… maybe we could find you an instrument to play,” Kei said, trying to sound as cool as possible._

_Yamaguchi stepped forward, right into the spot where Kei was trying to avoid his gaze. “You’d do that for me?”_

_Heat rose to Kei’s face. “Yeah… whatever… sure.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Yamaguchi laughed. “Thank you!”_

_\---_

_“Say, can me and Yamaguchi come watch your rehearsal this weekend?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Akiteru paused in his tuning. “About that… we’re going back to closed rehearsals.”_

_“Seriously?” Kei groaned. “But I’ve only been to, like, five of your rehearsals!”_

_“I know, I know, but it’s what’s best for the band. We have a performance out of town in a couple of weeks.”_

_Kei pouted. “Alright… can I come to the next rehearsal then?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _Akiteru forced a smile. “Yeah, sure.”_

_The next rehearsal never came._

_Week after week, Kei asked to join in on Akiteru’s rehearsals. Week after week, he was denied with a different excuse and a promise for next time._

_Eventually, Kei stopped asking._

_Instead, he formed his own band to start living up to his brother. He wanted to play music and have fun and share how much this little world meant to him. He wanted to be a great bass player his brother could be proud of one day._

_\---_

_The back of Kei's shirt clung to his back as sweat pinned down his hair against his brow. The venue was ridiculously hot and sticky; the moment Kei walked in, he wanted to leave. Bodies unceremoniously glided up against each other as Kei attempted to get closer to the stage. He tightened his grip on Yamaguchi’s wrist._

_It took a fair amount of finagling in order for two middle schoolers to find their way into a bar, but nevertheless Kei managed to work his way in. His brother’s band had been touring Japan for quite some time now and this was the only show in Tokyo for the next year. He’d never seen Akiteru play live despite how long he’d been in a band. Even then, it took some major digging just to discover where they were playing tonight. Regardless, Kei wasn’t going to let this opportunity pass by._

_Kei and Yamaguchi managed to weasel their way through the disorderly crowd, finding an open spot off to the side of the stage._

_“When are they supposed to go on?” Yamaguchi asked, nervously peering over the mass of bodies._

_“They’re the opener so it should be any minute,” Kei explained. His heart thrummed steadily against his chest as fear began to creep in._

_What if Akiteru got mad they came to see him? Kei tried to convince himself it wouldn’t be like that since it was Akiteru he was dealing with. He might get upset at first but hopefully he’d be happy for the support._

_A man with a load of tattoos and piercings came onto the stage as the curtains drew closed behind him. The crowd roared back as he greeted the guests and set up the night. Kei was practically bouncing from all of his energy._

_“Without further ado,” the man announced, “here’s Little Giant!”_

_The curtains revealed a set of guys in their late teens, maybe early twenties. Kei searched around, but the bass player was a complete stranger. Even the vocalist was someone he’d never seen before. In fact… he didn’t recognize a single person._

_The band started to play, their heavy bass lines and guitar melodies sinking into Kei’s skin like teeth._

_“Where’s Akiteru?” Yamaguchi asked into Kei’s ear._

_He convinced himself that there was a mistake. There had to be. Akiteru’s band was supposed to be playing. He was supposed to be up on that stage. Akiteru was supposed to be there._

_“He might come on later,” Kei said smally, trying to reassure himself. His inflection was weak._

_Song after song after song, the players remained the same. They were all talented and impactful but they weren’t Akiteru._

_Before the final song, Yamaguchi tugged on Kei’s sleeve. “Tsukki…” he begged. “Let’s go. Please.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“He’s here,” Kei insisted. “I-I know he is.”_

_Yamaguchi’s big eyes and nervous glare said otherwise._

_Kei continued to search around, desperately seeking out a familiar face in the crowd. But the drunken adults happily bouncing along to the fast-paced song couldn’t see the worried face of a middle school boy. But the security guard he made eye contact with did._

_“Tsukki, let’s_ go, _” Yamaguchi instructed._

_Without notice, Kei was being pulled away from his crumbling world. They fled the spot, pushing through laughing friends and handsy couples while the security guard neared. They managed to escape out to the cool night, fleeing the scene before they got in more trouble than necessary._

_They turned a corner, stopping as a group of chainsmokers looked up from their ashy haze. Sitting amongst them, leaning against the wall without a care in the world, was Akiteru. Recognition flooded his eyes as ice flooded Kei’s veins._

_“Kei,” Akiteru said in disbelief, ripping the cigarette from his lips. “What are you doing here?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“I came to see you play,” Kei replied numbly. He tightened his grip on Yamaguchi._

_“Shit,” Akiteru grumbled. “I told you not to come.”_

_Kei stepped forward. “Are you even in the band anymore?” Akiteru’s eyes darted down. “Were you_ ever _in a band? H-how long has this been going on?”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“Kei, don’t do this,” Akiteru warned. “I-I’m just not playing tonight. I’m playing next time.”_

_His little group of buddies snickered. Akiteru shot them a dirty look._

_“Tell me the truth,” Kei said, mustering up the last of his courage._ _  
_ _  
_ _Akiteru paused. “We only had the band for two months. The rehearsals that you went to were just jam sessions but we weren’t a band. We couldn’t manage to stick together long enough to write any songs or perform anywhere.”_

_“What are you doing here then?” Kei asked._

_“Absolutely fucking nothing!” One of his drunk companions laughed._

_Akiteru hushed him. “I’m friends with the lead singer. He lets me hang around.”_ _  
_ _  
_ _“But you don’t play.”_   
_  
Akiteru’s silence felt like an intense weight pressing Kei into the ground. He could barely even stand from the intense pressure and pain. It was too much to bare. _

_“What the fuck have you been doing for the last five years?” Kei tried to make his voice forceful, but it cracked at the last moment._

_It was all a lie. Kei’s aspirations, his dreams, his pride, his admiration, his_ everything _was a lie._

_“Tsukki, let’s leave,” Yamaguchi pleaded, tugging on Kei’s arm. He allowed himself to get dragged away._

_“Kei, wait!” Akiteru called after them, but they were already winding down alleyways with Kei’s hopes and dreams lying on that dirty street._

_He somehow managed to keep it all in as he processed all of the information. He had a million questions but he didn’t know if he actually wanted any of the answers._

_Yamaguchi didn’t speak. He just lead Kei back to his apartment and it wasn’t until Kei sat down on Yamaguchi’s bed when everything finally sank in._

_A horrible, gut-wrenching sob escaped him. It was followed by a steady stream of tear and cries and wails. Yamaguchi held him in his arms as Kei’s tears stained the hemline of his shirt._

_Five years of lying. Five years of sneaking around behind Kei’s back, pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Five whole years of convincing Kei that he could do whatever he wanted if he just set his mind to it. Five years of glorifying music and bands and the entire world which Akiteru actually knew nothing about._

_Kei sobbed into Yamaguchi’s shoulder._

_It was just a band after all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session fourteen: Everybody's Changing


	14. Everybody's Changing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey I want to apologize for the late late late upload life has been WACK and idk how often ill be able to update now :(( 
> 
> I had some majors writers block and I ended up writing a whole different levyaku (yakulev?) fic to get through it but writing more doesnt exactly help writers block?? idk maybe ill post that work some day but this chapter itself went through some major changes from the original outline
> 
> lmao sorry for ranting but thank you for your continued support of this series! im gonna try and get this thing done with the highest quality writing I can in the shortest amount of time :)

August brought heat from more than just the sun. 

The studio was sweltering. The air conditioning might have been working just fine but every member in Year One was radiating a stifling aura that seemed to physically raise the temperature of the room. Just a few minutes in and Tobio was already working up a sweat. 

Something was different. It had started a few weeks ago, towards the middle of Summer break and was practically imperceptible at first. If not for Hinata mentioning the shifting attitudes, honestly Tobio wouldn’t have picked up on it. But now as he watched his bandmates closely, he could easily see that something was disturbing them. Whether it was their odd interactions as they returned back to class or the strange stares they reciprocated during rehearsal, the fact of the matter was that something was horribly _wrong._

Yamaguchi seemed reserved, to put it lightly. Tobio knew the guy could be shy but after months of being in a band surely this lack of interaction wasn’t warranted. He particularly appeared distant from Tsukishima. 

That was the other issue: the two of them weren’t talking. 

The usual snicker or sarcastic comment was noticeably missing. The drive and the passion were gone too. Something had happened between them and it was eating the entire dynamic of the band alive. Each rehearsal was a battle. They struggled to make progress on even the simplest of songs. Tobio was somehow fighting in a war he hadn’t even signed up for. 

He once claimed that relationships ruined bands but him and Hinata were doing just fine. Whatever connection Tsukishima and Yamaugchi had—romantic or platonic or otherwise—was the thing driving the band apart. It was the catalyst for the unbearable heat. 

Tobio pulled his shirt away from his chest, trying to air himself out. Sweat collected heavy at his hairline, flattening his already flat hair against his forehead. He never thought much about appearances but the look certainly was unattractive even if Hinata gave him a small acknowledging look that said _you’re cute even when you’re all sweaty and gross._ But the warmth in his chest when he thought of Hinata was nothing in comparison to the heat of the room. 

“It’s so hoootttt,” Hinata whined, slumping over his guitar. 

“Maybe we’d be able to find a studio with working AC if you hadn’t put off scheduling until the last minute,” Tsukishima griped, trying to fan himself. 

Yamaguchi silently twirled his drumsticks. 

Tobio was on his last wit’s end. “Okay, what’s the deal. I’m tired of whatever the hell _this_ is.” He motioned from Tsukishima, who rolled his eyes, to Yamaguchi, who ducked his head. “Seriously. We can’t even get through a single practice right now. What happened?”

“Nothing,” they replied in unison, Tsukishima’s inflection pointed while Yamaguchi’s was weak. 

“Bullshit.”  
  
“Kageyama,” Hinata warned, stepping forward. “It’s not our—”   
  
“Maybe it’s none of our business but it’s ruining the band,” Kageyama shouted.

“You’re right, it’s none of your business,” Tsukishima echoed. Kageyama never thought he’d see the day when Tsukishima would concede. Something must have been horribly, awfully wrong. “I don’t remember ever signing up for you to intrude on our personal lives.”  
  
“We’re not intruding!” Hinata said back, his hands gripping onto his guitar. “We’re… we’re worried about you two and we just wanna know what’s going on.”   
  
Yamaguchi nervously shifted in his seat. “Nothing is wrong,” he assured meekly. “You don’t have to worry.”   
  
“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” The words left Tsukishima’s mouth and instantly dropped the temperature of the room. Tobio had heard that phrase a million times but the icy poison dripping from Tsukishima’s lips was almost too much for him to manage and it wasn’t even directed at him. 

Yamaguchi didn’t move. His hands, however, violently shook. 

Tsukishima clicked his tongue. “It’s just a band. How could you all care about something so pointless?” He didn’t bother with anything more than that despite the shouts of protest Tobio and Hinata gave him. Tsukishima simply gathered his things in one swift motion and slammed the door behind him. 

Yamaguchi, on the other hand, shakily stood. “I-I’m… ah…” He stumbled over his own feet. “I should go. I’m sorry.” He gave them a low bow, clenching his drumsticks tightly at his sides. He left without another word, heading in the opposite direction from Tsukishima. 

Tobio turned to Hinata. “What the hell just happened?” he demanded.

Hinata shrugged. “I don’t know but we should probably talk with them right?”  
  
“There’s no way Tsukishima would tell us anything,” Tobio huffed back. “But… I guess I can try talking to Yamaguchi.” He shuddered at the thought; after all, he wasn’t exactly keen himself on emotional issues. But Yamaguchi had listened to all of Tobio’s issues in the past; the least he could do was hear him out now.

Hinata gave him a small smile. “Sounds good to me.”

\---

_It’s just a band._

_It’s just a band._

_It’s just a band._

Since seeing Akiteru, that was the only constant thought running through Kei’s head. He knew better than to get his hopes up for a silly little thing like a band. He knew better than to join something driven by passion—something Kei clearly lacked. He knew better than to think, even if just for a moment, that he could be happy once again completely engorged in the world of music. 

The small, barely lit hope in his chest was extinguished. 

Kei readjusted his bags. He didn’t have anywhere to go. He didn’t want to face Akiteru and Yamaguchi had been avoiding him for weeks now. He wasn’t sure the exact reason, surprising considering how easy he was to read, but Kei figured it wasn’t his business anyways. Yamaguchi most likely figured out that Kei was a horribly undriven, uncaring human being and didn’t want to associate with him anymore. 

“Glasses-kun!”

Kei slowed his pace, barely daring to peek over his shoulder at the unfamiliar voice. 

“Yes, you. With the bass,” a different voice called. 

“Glasses-kun, come back!”

Kei stopped this time, turning quickly to see a duo of wild-looking teens staring him down, hanging out the door of a studio. One had a dark bedhead for a hairstyle and a loose grin that hung easily on his lips. The other leaned against the doorframe to one of the various studios and stared Kei down with golden eyes. His own hair was as crazy as his companions: black and white and sticking up in two defined owls horns.

“The name is Tsukishima,” he said with a feigned pleasantness. 

“Okay then, Tsuki-blahblahblah,” the golden-eyed one said. The other one snorted. “Do you play bass?” He pointed towards the case strapped to Kei’s back. 

“Bokuto, ‘course he does,” the dark-haired guy retorted, making the other guy, supposedly named Bokuto, falter just a bit. “Question is: could you come help support us for a few hours?”  
  
Kei raised a hand in apology. “Sorry, I have to get going.” He couldn’t be bothered to play with his own band, let alone link up with a bunch of strangers on his own volition.

Evidently, these guys weren’t going to take no for an answer. Instead, the grin on not-Bokuto’s face grew as he stared Kei down. “Come on, a few hours won’t kill you. Besides, it could be beneficial to play with one of the top drummers in Japan.”  
  
Bokuto pumped his fist into the air, showing off his drumsticks. “I’m the best drummer ever! You’d be lucky to work with me!”

“Bokuto-san, please do not scare him off,” a third voice added. The guy emerged from the studio with a guitar hanging from his shoulders. His deadpan eyes took one look at Kei, assessing. “I apologize if I’m mistaken, but are you the bassist from Hinata-kun’s band?”

Bokuto lit up. “Agkaaashii, you’re right! Glasses-kun, you’re super talented! You totally have to play with us, even if for only a little while!”

Kei pushed up his glasses. “Indeed, Hinata is very talented. I’m sure you would much rather practice with raw talent like him. After all, you have one of the top drummers in Japan in your band.”

Bokuto, who seemed like the guy who happily accepted any compliment threw his way, actually gave Tsukishima a frown. “I know Shouyou’s good but I was talking about you!” he insisted. Kei noted the familiarity from all of these guys; who _were_ they? 

“Come on, Bass-kun,” Bedhead pleaded. He took a step forward. “Or do you think you can’t handle a little rehearsal with a band as talented as ours? Wouldn't want to scare you away.” 

Kei scrunched his nose. “It’s Tsukishima,” he repeated, pushing past them into the studio. 

_It’s just a band. It’s just a band. It’s just a band._

“I guess a few introductions are in order,” Bedhead said as he came back into the studio. “Welcome to Cats & Owls. I’m Kuroo, lead guitarist and vocalist and you’ve already met Bokuto, our top drummer.” Bokuto pumped his fists. “Our guitarist and resident pretty boy, Akaashi Keiji.” Akaashi gave him a small bow. “And on bass we usually have my dear Kenma but he is out sick today.”

“Yeah because of you,” Bokuto griped as he settled into his drum set. 

Kuroo put a hand to his chest. “Excuse me? I would never put my precious Kenma in any sort of harms way.”  
  
“Yes, but you did work him quite hard last rehearsal,” Akaashi added in with a straight face. “You know he has a tendency to fall ill when he’s pushed past his limit.”   
  
Kuroo and Bokuto fell into a light hearted, but dramatic, argument while Kei stood idly by. Akaashi piped in every once in a while with a stony quip that only further seemed to enliven the disagreement. There was a sort of amiability in it all. They ragged on each other with certain comfortability, even in their semi-low blows. Even as a bystander, Kei wanted to smirk at the ridiculous nature of it all. This entire band was built upon trust after all; a sort of unbreakable trust that couldn’t be broken with a long-standing lie. 

“I apologize for them,” Akaashi said, watching as Bokuto childishly stuck his tongue out. Kuroo dragged down his eye, taunting. “They can be a bit much at times, especially for those who don’t know them. I hope their behavior isn’t scaring you.”  
  
Scared definitely wasn’t the word to describe the odd tugging in Kei’s chest. He frankly didn’t want to put a label on the way he silently gazed at their band, somewhere wondering if he could be like that. 

“How long has your band been together?” Kei asked instead. 

Akaashi wrung out his fingers. “We began to practice together in March. Although, Bokuto-san and Kuroo-san have been friends for a couple years now. I met Bokuto-san when I entered high school while Kozume-kun and Kuroo-san are childhood friends. It wasn’t until very recently when all four of us came together.”

March. Only a bit earlier than the formation of Year One. Yet the way they interacted seemed so much more natural. Kei could only assume that adding their missing member would only further add to the comfortable vibe of their band.

Kuroo threw his arms into the air. “Whatever! Let’s just get back to work. Here, Tsukki,” he handed Kei a couple sheets of music. The piece wasn’t difficult per-say , but playing it blindly was sure to give Kei a bit of trouble. It didn’t matter really. This wasn’t his band. He wasn’t here to impress.

Bokuto counted them off and lead them into the beginning section of the piece. While Kei struggled to keep up with the fast tempo, the rest of the guys played their respective parts with incredible ease. They stopped often to rework and rewrite the odd-sounding sections and asked Kei’s opinion of the bass part. While Bokuto could get discouraged easily, Akaashi helped to keep him on track while Kuroo guided them through the more difficult bars. He had this innate ability to connect; not to mention, his smooth, low voice paired well with Akaashi’s backup vocals even without a certain set of words. 

Cats & Owls was too talented for their own good. They cared too much for their own good. They were all brimming with a pure passion and love that Kei still couldn’t wrap his mind around. 

“Tsukki, you’re doing great at keeping up!” Bokuto complimented with a slap to the back.

“It’s Tsukishima,” Kei corrected for the nth time. 

Kuroo put a hand on his hip. “I don’t get it. What’s your deal? Something’s holding you back.”  
  
Kei pressed his lips together. “I’m not sure what exactly you’re talking about,” he replied, forcing the nice tone.

“Nah, I agree with Kuroo,” Bokuto piped in. “You’re talented but it’s like you don’t put any sort of _umph_ to your playing. I’m not sayin’ you have to be fervent or anything but like add a little more, come on man!” He paused, turning to Akaashi. “Did I use fervent correctly?”   
  
“Yes,” Akaashi confirmed.

“Why do you care?” Kei questioned, his voice unintentionally icy. He couldn’t lash out at them. He already pushed his own band away today, no need for another. 

“‘Cause you’re Sho-kun’s bandmate,” Kuroo explained. “I’m always this nice, especially to Sho-kun’s friends.”  
  
Kei made a face that read _I severely doubt that and don’t call me his friend._

Kuroo rubbed the back of his neck. “To be honest, he told us about how much he liked your band and about the upcoming competition you’re entered in. We got chosen too and I’d like to go up against the strongest competitors there are. Can’t exactly do that if you’re not putting in 100%.”

Kei still couldn’t comprehend their drive. 

“Let me guess,” Bokuto said, giving Kei a sly grin. “You haven’t had your ‘moment’ yet.”

“My moment?” Kei echoed with caution. 

“Yeah, that point where everything comes together. Where you start playing and you never want to stop,” Bokuto let out a laugh. “When I was first starting out, I sucked. I know it’s hard to believe because I’m so good now but man was I bad. I couldn’t get through a single piece without messing something up. It was super discouraging because I thought I was a failure for not being able to play. 

“But it turns out I just needed to work on keeping tempo. Looking back, it’s sort of obvious but at the time it was a big deal. So I worked on being consistent and by our next show I was amazing! So much better! I remember finishing this one song and looking out into the crowd and hoping that it would never end. All I wanted to do was play. And I still feel that way, which is why I want to go pro after I graduate. You might not want to go that far, but I’m certain that your own ‘moment’ is gonna come sooner or later.” 

Kei severely doubted any sort of ‘moment’ was on the horizon. 

Akaashi stepped forward, his dark blue eyes peering deep into Kei’s. “May I ask why you began playing bass guitar in the first place?”

Kei wasn’t sure what exactly made the honesty come forth. Maybe it was the way Akaashi stared at him or maybe it was the fact that he wasn’t connected to this group of strangers. But Kei answered with veracity: “I wanted to be like my brother.” As soon as the words came out, he readjusted his form, lifting his head. “Although he lied to me for years, so that’s no longer why I play.” 

“That means you have a reason. A new one,” Kuroo grinned. “I mean, it’s there. What kind of person spends their time and energy and money on joining a band if they don’t enjoy at least some aspect of it. You may not know what your reason is now, but I’m sure you’ll find it.”

Bokuto nodded along. “And as soon as you find your reason for playing, your moment will come too!”

 _Reason? Moment?_ How childish could they be?

Kei pushed up his glasses. To find the ‘reason’ or to have the ‘moment’ would require self-reflection. It’d require emotions. It’d require facing his brother. It’d require facing the truth. 

In the third music studio of some office building in a metropolitan city in a small eastern island country, a 15 year-old boy named Tsukishima Kei was changed. It wasn’t a moment or a reason; it was barely even detectable by Kei himself. The moment of realization wasn’t some loud explosion or or strike of lighting. Rather it was a subtle _click._

He didn’t suddenly burst out of the room, running off to share his epiphany to the world. He barely even moved as the thought simply passed by his mind. And it echoed it two simple words: _they’re right._

Even then, Kei shuddered and ignored the thought because he’d been watching these bozos all evening and knew they were speaking nonsense. He wasn’t going to fall victim to their stupid antics. But that _click_ had already occurred and it was enough to seep into his chest, threatening his wall of emotions. 

A storm was coming. And Kei was hopelessly unprepared. 

“Thanks for the advice,” Kei said, clearing his throat. “But I don’t believe I’ll be needing it.”  
  
Kuroo raised a brow. “Oya? So you think you’re better than us?”   
  
Before Kei had a chance to retort, Bokuto screamed out, “Impossible! We’re the best around! We’re going to beat you, Tsukki! Just wait and see!”   
  
“Bokuto-san, please practice your seventeen stroke rolls before you begin making claims like that,” Akaashi added. 

“AGKAAASHII!” Bokuto whined back, stepping forward to let his weight drop onto Akaashi. He simply accepted it as Bokuto nearly collapsed in a dramatic flair. “I was trying to encourage our protege to do better!”  
  
“I’m not your ‘protege’,” Kei rebuked. 

“Eh, maybe not,” Kuroo shrugged. “But we’re your mentors.” Bokuto began to perk up. 

“I didn’t agree—”

“Tsukki, you worry too much about the details. Which is funny considering this jaded front you put up,” Kuroo said slyly. “I think you care about all of this but you’re scared to admit it because you don’t want to get attached.”  
  
Bokuto let out a noise somewhere between a snort and a gasp. “Damn, dude. That’s harsh.”   
  
“Kuroo-san, Tsukishima-kun is here as a favor,” Akaashi said, placing heavy emphasis on the last word, all while maintaining his cool exterior. “Please do not make him any more uncomfortable than he already is.” 

Kuroo waved it off. “Fine, fine, sorry I can’t be honest anymore.” He turned to Kei. “When your moment comes, call us alright?”  
  
Kei hesitated. “Alright,” he agreed with no conviction. 

He left Studio 3 not long after, the jumbled words and unrealistic logic taken from a cat and some owls running in the back of his mind. As much as he wanted to neglect them and push it down like everything else, for whatever reason he was incapable. 

But his maxim still overtook it all: _It’s just a band._

\---

“Yamaguchi.”  
  
He paused. Turned. Wiped his face again and again despite the onslaught of tears. He wouldn’t let them slide down his cheek or dribble off his chin, no. He couldn’t afford to be seen like that. Not for something as feeble as this. 

He was a child again. Young and scared and prone to cry easily. He always despised crying. He hated the way his voice cracked and his throat burned and his vision turned blurry. In general, he hated the lack of control when he finally gave into his sobs in the safety of his own quiet home. He never wanted to hear his sobs echo in an empty apartment. He never wanted to cry in the first place really but he’d learned over the years to maintain his composure until he could be alone and let it all out where no one could see. 

But he couldn’t exactly do that when the cause of his tears also happened to be in his home too. So he didn’t have anywhere to go to be by himself because what was he thinking just crying the moment he left the building? He could be seen by so many people. He would get called a sissy or a weakling or a coward.

“Yamaguchi,” Kageyama repeated.

Tadashi took a shaky breath. Wiped his face. “Sorry, I’m not really in the mood to talk right now,” he said in a low voice. 

Kageyama pressed his arms into his sides. “Ah… that’s okay… I guess I can stay if you want though.”

Tadashi wiped his face. “It’s fine,” he said, gaze locked on the ground. “Don’t worry about me.”  
  
“You don’t look fine,” Kageyama admitted bluntly. 

Tadashi wiped his face. God would the tears just stop already? Crying was for children. He needed to stop.

“I’m…” Kageyama’s face warped into a concentrated frown. “I’m not good at comforting people but you can talk to me. I’ll listen.”

Tadashi tried to take a deep breath but the air hitched in his throat. He knelt down, trying to regain some semblance of his composure. God, _fuck,_ what was he doing? He was such an idiot. His hands were shaking. They wouldn’t stop shaking, why were they shaking? Stop, stop, stop. 

There was a hand on his back. He didn’t need to look up to know it was Kageyama. As much as he appreciated Kageyama’s presence, he wasn’t the one Tadashi wanted to be around. He wanted Tsukki to tell him to _calm down, it’ll be alright, you’ll get through this._ He wanted Tsukki to say _worry about yourself first, stop worrying about me so much._ He wanted Tsukki to hold him tight and kiss him and never let go and just _be there._

He started to collect himself. God he was pathetic. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. 

Tadashi stood, hands still managing to shake, but his feet planted firm in the ground. While he couldn’t hide his puffy and red eyes, he attempted to compile his thoughts. He smoothed down his shirt and adjusted his collar. He needed to erase the part of him that showed how weak he actually was. 

Kageyama had retracted his hand long ago but he still held it out, like he was unsure of what exactly to do next. “Are you okay?” He stuttered out, scanning Tadashi to surely get the answer he already knew. 

“I’m not,” Tadashi admitted. “I realized that I’m in love with Tsukki.”

Saying those words should’ve been freeing. It should’ve lifted this imaginary weight off of Tadashi’s shoulders but instead it dug him further and further into the ground. His legs that seemed to hold him strong were actually trapped. All he could do was let his shaking hands show just how much he was freaking out. 

Kageyama nodded slowly. “I guess—” He cleared his throat. “Ah… I guess your confession didn’t go well then?”

Tadashi let out a sad chuckle. “I didn’t tell him. I mean, how could I? He’s my best friend.”  
  
“So you mean to tell me,” Kageyama began to raise his hand again but let it fall to his side. “The two of you have been acting so weird for the last few weeks over nothing? You didn’t have some big argument over this?”   
  
Tadashi clenched his fist. “I can’t have him find out. I-It would ruin our friendship.” He sniffled. “To be honest, I want things to go back to how they were. Before I knew how I actually felt about him. It feels like we were a lot closer back then. Now it’s like I’m walking on this tightrope and I can’t make any wrong moves or else I’ll fall. It’s better than getting rejected but still…” 

Kageyama shifted his weight. “Why do you think he would reject you?”

“I know him like the back of my hand. There’s no way he has feelings for me. I-I see the way he looks at me. It’s not love.”

“If you know him so well then why has he been acting all weird the last few weeks?” Kageyama pressed. Tadashi stayed silent. “Something’s up and you know for a fact that you’re the only one that can talk to him about it.”

Tadashi shook his head. “I-I don’t know. He went home one day and came back all flustered. I don’t think I can solve it that easily. I might wind up saying the wrong thing and give him the wrong idea…”

“Are you stupid?” Kageyama questioned, but he quickly revoked his statement. “I mean… it’s… it’s gross!” He decided, jolting Tadashi out of his self-inflicted calamity. “The way Tsukishima looks at you is gross. He—” his face warped, “he cares for you at the very least. You don’t have to confess to him but _please_ just figure out what’s wrong. It’s affecting all of us.

“I… I like this band. And I don’t want it to go away so easily. Talk to him.” With a final push, Kageyama finished his mini speech while the disgust seemed to settle in further. 

Tadashi let out a breath. Maybe he was stupid. Maybe he was just idiotic enough to push aside his feelings for a day to find out what was wrong with his best friend. Or maybe he was foolish enough to use the situation for his personal gain to get closer with Tsukki. 

He wasn’t the right person for this. He never had been. He was the one clinging onto this false reality where Tsukki needed him by his side. It may have all been a lie but… what was the harm in holding out for a little longer? Tadashi doubted he could actually do anything to change the situation but at the end of the day he did know practically everything about Tsukki. There had to be something he had missed—some reason why he was so upset. 

The simple fact remained that Tadashi was _terrified._ This fragile line of of friendship he walked was treacherous and horrifying. Any moment a gust of wind was sure to knock him down. The other side wasn’t even visible. All he could do was simply keep walking along his thin, little until Tsukki realized what was going on and severed the connection. 

Yet there was a tiny, unintelligent voice trapped in the back of his mind that said _maybe._ Maybe the way Tsukki wrapped his fingers through Tadashi’s meant something. Maybe the way he rested his head on his shoulder went beyond friendship. Maybe the millions of memories they shared together were genuine and not one-sided. Maybe. 

It was the maybe, the smallest chance of hope, the tiniest possibility of something more, that finally helped to allay the tension in his shoulders. It made him regain his balance. 

“Thank you, Kageyama,” Tadashi said at last. “I’m feeling better.”

“Don’t tell four-eyes I said any of that,” he grunted back, kicking aside a rock. “I mean it though. You’re probably the only one that can get through to him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session fifteen: Dead Flowers


	15. Dead Flowers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *posts chapter and descends back into the void for the next month*
> 
> nah lol thank you for sticking by me! this chapters a bit different than most so enjoy and I hope to post again soon!! I promise this fic isn't abandoned!!

Kei didn’t have anywhere to go. 

Realistically, there were many options. He could risk his actual home which was certain to make his parents happy but also sure to get him an unwanted conversation with Akiteru. He could attempt to sneak inside the school and camp out in a clubroom. But most likely he’d be locked out or receive strict consequences when inevitably found. As a last resort, he could ask Kageyama or Hinata if he could spend the night but even the thought of that made Kei shudder. 

No, deep down he knew there was only one place he could go. There was only one place he wanted to go even if he was unable to admit that _want_ to himself.

But even then, he silently prayed the apartment was empty as he turned the spare key and stepped inside. “I’m back,” he said, quiet as if to not disrupt the stillness of the house. 

Yamaguchi emerged from his bedroom. “Welcome back.” His voice was small but his eyes were stern. 

Kei removed his shoes and set down his things. While the last couple weeks had been quiet, there was still something reassuring simply knowing that he was with Yamaguchi. That there someone was to welcome him home even if their conversations had a tendency to fall flat. Kei wasn’t stupid; he knew something had changed for Yamaguchi after the Tanabata festival but he didn’t have the slightest clue what was wrong. He wasn’t exactly one to comment on Yamaguchi’s silence considering Kei also made no effort to talk after seeing Akiteru. 

Still, Kei despised the quiet. He got used to his life being filled with music one way or another. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could bear this nothingness. 

“I…” Yamaguchi began, stepping out of his doorway. His hands were shaking. “I think we should talk.”

“I agree,” Kei replied flatly.

They made their way to the couch, careful to maintain some distance between them. The clock on the wall ticked loudly, splitting the silent seconds into measurable slivers of time. Yamaguchi’s fingers tapped along to the steady beat. 

“What exactly did you want to discuss?” Kei asked, breaking the palpable ice. 

Yamaguchi adjusted his seating. “Can you tell me what’s wrong?” He didn’t attempt to look Kei in the eyes. “I-I know I’ve been pushing you away lately and I’m sorry but I think you’re going through something or really I _know_ you’re going through something but I’m not sure what it is and I’m not sure how to handle it, I mean you’re my best friend Tsukki and you’ve been acting differently and you’re cold and I don’t like seeing you like this but there’s not much I can do if you don’t tell me what’s wrong but I guess I should know since I know a lot about you but this time I’m just not sure so can you please, _please_ , just tell me what’s wrong? I-I promise to be less distant and if it’s because I’ve been distant then I’m sorry, Tsukki, but please.”

The last word came out as a plea. Yamaguchi had been leaning forward as he ranted on but quickly retracted himself. “Sorry, that was a lot… I’m just worried…”

It was so tempting. To spill it all. To let the dam that was patched together with duct tape and trailing hope break once more. To _finally_ say whatever the fuck was on Kei’s mind. 

And yet, he was unable to. Or rather he couldn’t. 

Because even though it was Yamaguchi of all people, the same Yamaguchi who had seen him cry, the same Yamaguchi who was always by his side, the same Yamaguchi that he cared for so much… Kei still didn’t want to appear weak. He didn’t want Yamaguchi to see him for the sad, sick, lonely man he actually was. 

So Kei answered back by lying between his teeth, flaring his nostrils, and saying what he always did: “I’m fine.”

It didn’t work. Yamaguchi was too intelligent and knew too much about Kei for his own good. With one quick scan of those mesmerizing brown eyes, Yamaguchi had him all figured out. 

“Fine,” he said curtly. He rose from his seat and took long strides towards the small balcony attached to the side of the apartment. 

Instinctively, Kei followed because he was frankly unsure of anything else he could do. He quietly slid the door closed as the humidity of August wrapped around them like an uncomfortable, stuffy blanket. Kei joined Yamaguchi at the edge, pressing his forearms into the railing as he leaned forward. 

Tokyo laid itself out before them in all its metropolitan glory. Or rather, it used to. Back in elementary school, Yamaguchi’s apartment had the perfect view of the city. They used to spend hours pointing out the neon signs and watching the pedestrians stroll along. The cars still stalled by like they used to, but an ugly apartment building built last year blocked off most of their view now. Across the way, Kei could make out a few men smoking on their respective balconies while a couple of kids seemed to be laughing about nothing at all. 

“Do you know why I hate orchestra?” Yamaguchi asked quite plainly. His gaze was fixed on that pair of children, his back rigid as he clutched the railing. 

“Because it’s awful,” Kei replied in his normal flat tone.

Yamaguchi didn’t react in the slightest. “It’s because orchestra is so strict. You sit there and you’re forced to play music that’s hundreds of years old and attempt to recreate this archaic sound and for what? It doesn’t even sound good half of the time when a bunch of high schoolers play it.”

Kei nudged up his glasses. “Well that’s because you hate classical music. You always have.”

Yamaguchi released a breath. “Yeah, I do. I tried really hard to like it but… I don’t want to lie anymore. I hate classical music and that’s saying a lot since I don’t hate a lot of things but classical music is definitely high up on the list. But I still followed you to orchestra because I wanted to keep playing with you, no matter what. I don’t know how many more times I have to tell you this but I want to play music with you, Tsukki.”

Kei knew this. Yamaguchi wasn’t known for his subtlety after all. Even so, each word twisted the sword lodged in Kei’s heart, making the aching pain a bit worse. He couldn’t simply deny it anymore. He couldn’t even push down the pain. No, he was forced to endure every single numbing strike. 

The kids across the street went back inside. Kei absently wondered if their abundant smiles were genuine. 

“You know,” Yamaguchi began, releasing his white knuckles from the railing, “I thought I understood you. I mean, we’ve been friends for how long now? Five… six years? I don’t know… but the point is… we’ve been through so much and yet I feel like I’m talking to a stranger.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Kei admitted. 

Yamaguchi turned towards him, bunching his hands at his sides. “I want you to tell me what’s wrong. I-Is it something I did or—”

“No, it’s not you.”

“Then _what?”_

“Why do you care so much?” Kei fired back. He was getting too worked up. He stood up straight, clenching his fists out of fear that was the last thing left he could control. Before he knew it, all his emotions would come spilling out. He couldn’t… no he simply wouldn’t let that happen. 

Yamaguchi shook his head and let out a huff of air. “Because you’re my best friend. That’s what we’re supposed to do. We’re _supposed_ to care about one another.” 

“I know that but—”

“Do you?”

“Yes, Yamaguchi I’m not idiotic,” Kei argued. “I may not say it but I…” 

The words trapped themselves in his throat. In theory, it was something Kei should have been able to say. _I care for you_. But in all honesty, he had never said them before. The thought came up in his mind more often than he actually could verbalize. To Kei, it was an indisputable fact shown through small actions and passing glances. 

And yet, somehow, the simple phrase I care for you didn’t seem to sit right for Kei. There was so much more he could say but his emotions weren’t exactly something that sprung forth quite so easily. Care… there must have been a better word for it. Kei was never one for semantics but there must have been something that could best dictate the emotion trapped inside of him. 

Cherish… or respect… gratefulness… _something else…_

“You can’t even say it, can you?” Kei was immediately snapped out of his linguistic-driven thoughts as Tadashi shook his head. “I don’t even know why I bother at this point any more.”

Kei furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“I mean it’s obvious you’re tired of me,” Yamaguchi sadly laughed. “You don’t have to pretend to be my friend anymore, Tsukki. It’s okay, really.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“I’m saying that I’m tired too. I’m tired o-of being your fucking dog that you drag around and only use when you need me. I’m tired of being the only person in this friendship that actually cares. I-I’m tired of being the outlet for everything that goes wrong in your life because you have no one else to turn to. Because I stuck by you throughout everything and it really feels like I’ve gotten nothing in return. 

“I’m so fucking stupid.” Yamaguchi was shaking. Bad. 

_Shit._ Was that how Yamaguchi actually felt?

This… this was the Yamaguchi that Kei was terrified of. But this wasn’t a wave of confidence that could somehow save the day. No, it was years of anxieties surfacing all at once and overtaking him. It was absolutely horrifying. Who knew Yamaguchi worried this much about everything? 

And though the words dig deep, he knew Yamaguchi’s true intentions. But it didn’t make the source of pain dwell. It was obvious from the horrid expression on Yamaguchi’s face that he himself was overwhelmed with it all. 

“You’re not stupid,” Kei said back but there was an unintentional edge to his voice. 

“Could you stop gaslighting me for once?” Every inch of Yamaguchi was trembling. Kei wanted to reach out and grab his hand but he feared that would make the situation even worse. “I asked you to just do _one thing_ for me and you can’t even do that. I’m so fucking worried about you but it’s clear to me that you’ve never actually given a shit about me. Fuck, fuck.”

“You know that’s not true.”

Yamaguchi’s gaze alone twisted the sword further into Kei’s heart. “Then tell me. What the hell happened? Huh? If it’s not me then it must be something else. Tell me. Is it the band? School? Some girl? Akiteru?”

Kei must’ve reacted at the last suggestion seeing as Yamaguchi dropped his head afterwards. 

“Some things never change huh? Maybe I do know you after all.” Yamaguchi wasn’t crying but his voice sounded so heartbroken Kei could hear the sadness pouring out. 

All of these emotions that Yamaguchi wore for the world to see. All of them for Kei. 

Yamaguchi snapped up. “I must be really fucked up because I still… I…” He grabbed his wrist. “I want things to go back to how they were. It’s like I know you but I don’t understand you. Why are you still so caught up on the past? Move on.”

The dam broke for good. It was completely obliterated. There was no holding back now. 

“Move on?” Kei snarled. “ _Move on_? I’m sorry but were you lied to for years by the one person you looked up to the most? And are you _kidding me?_ I can’t just go back to the way things were before middle school. I’m not a child, Yamaguchi. Grow up.”

“Rich, coming from the person who lets their middle school trauma govern their entire personality.”

Kei shook his head. “If you really hated me so much then why did you stick around? Huh?”

“Maybe it was because I pitied you. Or maybe, just maybe, I thought we were actually friends. But who the fuck am I kidding? You can never care about another person, let alone care about anything else in your life.”

“At least I don’t actually believe that some shitty high school band is going places. What’s the point in putting all that effort into something that will inevitably fail. Even if we managed to win some competition or gain some notoriety, what’s the point? It’s futile.”

Yamaguchi grabbed Kei’s shirt and pulled him in close. “What more could you need than pride?” With heavy breaths and a grimace that could send children running, Yamaguchi leaned in even closer. 

Oh. 

And there it was. Kei’s reason. 

So simple. It had been in plain sight all this time. 

Kei didn’t need pride. He needed Yamaguchi. 

\---

Tsukki was laughing. 

Tadashi slowly released his grip from Tsukki’s shirt as he stepped back, bouts of laughter overtaking his lanky frame. A distinct smile formed on Tsukki’s lips—completely unrecognizable.

Oh _god_ had he gone too far? Granted, half of the things Tadashi said were just fears manifesting in the ugliest way possible. He wasn’t even aware of them until they left his lips in a fury of rage and panic. While some of it may have been true, it shouldn’t have been voiced. It was cruel but it might have been something Tsukki needed to hear. 

“God, I’m pathetic,” Tsukki said in a low voice. 

Tadashi nearly jumped. “…Tsukki?”

“You’re partially right,” Tsukki admitted. “I do need to move on but I hope you understand that I do care for you Yamaguchi. I’m sorry that I ever made you feel inadequate or gaslighted or… stupid. Because it was never my intention. I care about you. I do. So I’m sorry for being so rude all this time. I can’t go back to the way things were… it’s not who I am any longer. But I can change. I hope you can see it.”

“I’m sorry too,” Tadashi apologized. “I didn’t mean what I said.”

“Yes you did. I’m a dick.”

Tadashi would never say it but he silently agreed.

“I’m sorry,” Tsukki said once more. It was probably the most apologies that Tadashi had ever heard in a single day. “Can… can we keep… being friends?”

Tadashi blinked once, then twice. “You think I would stop being friends with you over one little fight?”

“It wasn’t exactly little,” Tsukki said, raising an eyebrow. “I feel like we’ve been fighting for weeks. You quite literally said that you were tired of being around me.”

Tadashi waved his arms. “No, no, it’s not that, really it’s—”

_It’s that I’m in love with you and I know you’ll never love me back in that way._

“Yamaguchi, please don’t feel pressured to stay around me.” Tsukki pushed up his glasses. “If you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, tell me now.”

 _I want to be more than friends._

“Tsukki… do you really care for me?” Tadashi asked quietly. 

“Yes.”

Love. Care. They were close enough, right? If Tadashi thought hard enough about it, they were practically synonyms. So what if Tsukki never loved him? He cared for him. 

“Then I want to stay friends.”

Tsukki nodded, slowly. “In the future… I will try to voice my thoughts out more. I’m aware that I don’t exactly say what’s on my mind and evidently that’s caused you a lot of turmoil. So if words of affirmation are what you need, that’s what I’ll give you.”

“…Thank you.”

A cool breeze caught Tadashi off guard. Even if the night was humid, there was something pleasant about it too. Like something had changed. 

“So…” Tsukki rubbed the back of his neck, “are we okay?”

“We’re okay.”

“To be honest, I didn’t know you had that in you,” Tsukki snorted. “It was… terrifying but also sort of interesting. You… you scared me there. I thought I was going to lose you.”

Tadashi couldn’t hold it back anymore. He swiftly locked his arms around Tsukki’s torso and pulled them into a tight embrace. 

Tsukki straightened his back. “What are you doing?”

“It’s called a hug,” Tadashi laughed back.

“Well _obviously_ but why are you doing it?”

Tadashi nustled himself further into Tsukki’s shoulder. He’d let himself selfishly enjoy this little moment. They were so few and far between after all and he sort of deserved it for putting up with Tsukki’s stupid antics for so long. 

And if Tadashi closed his eyes, he could almost imagine a world where Tsukki did love him back. A dream, really. 

“It just looked like you needed one,” Tadashi said back sweetly. “You can hug me back, you know. I don’t bite.”

Tsukki gave him two pats on the back and Tadashi took that as his cue to back away. 

“Most humans enjoy hugging other people, you should really try it sometime,” Tadashi quipped. 

Tsukki pushed up his glasses. “Who said I was human?”

“Oh right! Sorry Mr. Dinoman, king of the dinosaurs. I won’t make that mistake again, sir.” Tadashi gave him a two-finger salute with a laugh trailing from his lips. 

Blush creeped along the tops of Tsukki’s ears. “Christ, are you ever going to let that down?” He defiantly crossed his arms. 

“Nope! In fact, I think I’m going to tell Kageyama and Hinata about it. I think they would love to hear about your Stegosaurus crown and your Oviraptor pajamas.”

“Excuse you, they were Heyuannia pajamas. If you’re going to insult me using my knowledge of dinosaurs, please at least do it correctly .”

At that point, the tension of the night was released in a matter of short-breathed chuckles that turned into full-on, sonorous laughter. Suddenly, they were a couple of kids laughing on a balcony about absolutely nothing at all. Despite the sticky heat and the sound of whirring cars and the trailing noises of cicadas, and the obnoxious street lights, all Tadashi could focus on was the wonderful sound of laughter emerging from his best friend. 

He really did love Tsukki. The little crinkles at the edges of his eyes and the way he threw his head back as the laughter overtook his entire body like he was finally releasing everything inside of him. Tadashi was so incredibly lucky. He was the only person to bear witness to this Tsukishima Kei. The Tsukki that was uniquely his own and who let laughter take over every once in a while. 

While Tsukki would never truly belong to Tadashi, he could imagine it that way. Other people saw Tsukki as some aloof figure that was quite intelligent, extremely talented, but ultimately unpleasant to be around. Tadashi’s Tsukki was surprisingly soft when he let his guard down and was a dork more than anything. He was secretly sweet and wholly unpleasant in the best sort of way. Endearing, rather than outright abhorrent.

Tadashi’s Tsukki liked strawberry shortcake and honestly anything strawberry flavored. His sweet tooth would’ve been a real problem but his appetite was so low that Tadashi never really worried about it. Tadashi’s Tsukki grew up playing with dinosaur figures and still had a few lining the shelves on his bedroom wall. There were a few still tucked in the back of his closet, too. Tadashi’s Tsukki was quiet when he was focused as his hands plucked the strings of his bass guitar. He was utterly silent while playing the cello with the same sort of seriousness taking over his entire body. Tadashi’s Tsukki was completely and wholeheartedly beautiful from the way his long lashes cascaded over golden eyes to the way his secretive smile appeared at only the most pivotal moments.

God, Tadashi was so in love. 

Tsukki regained his composure. He turned back towards Tadashi with a light smile still remaining. “I don’t say this nearly enough but… thank you Yamaguchi.”

“Yeah ‘course but what did I do?” Tadashi questioned back, trying his best to keep his heart from actually bursting out of his chest. 

“You stuck by me through everything. I never properly thanked you for it. I am grateful, after all. I forget sometimes just how much you’ve done for me. I’ll try to make it up to you.”

Tadashi waved it off. “You can make it up to me by cooking some dinner. I’m thinking omurice but I’m open to suggestions.”

He turned to slide open the door but his wrist was caught and suddenly he was in Tsukki’s arms in an extremely tight embrace. Tadashi immediately curled his arms around Tsukki’s back once more as he sort of collapsed. Even though he stood at 190 cm tall, Tsukki was so incredibly small in Tadashi’s arms. His head fell onto Tadashi’s shoulder, a single exhale with the press of something wet. 

Tadashi traced smooth circles on Tsukki’s back. His silent weeps were louder than any city noise. And under the guise of the waxing moon and glistening stars, the two boys sat for their own personal infinity. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session sixteen: I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself


	16. I Just Don't Know What To Do With Myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? updating? it's more likely than you think
> 
> I am also in sakuatsu hell I wanna write abt them so so so badly but any new fics are gonna come after this bih is done 
> 
> anyways thanks for sticking through it and enjoy the new chapter !! we need a little somethin easy goin after the shit from last time lmao 
> 
> ❤️❤️🥺

“Wow you really do look sick!”

Kenma only vaguely acknowledged Shouyou’s presence with the subtlest indication of a nod before he inevitably returned back to his game. Shouyou was used to Kenma gaming all day—he was Kenma after all—but somehow the way he was bundled up in a big red blanket, only his face and hands poking out, gave Shouyou the distinct impression that something was off. Maybe it was the fact that Kenma’s eyes were red and puffy (but granted that could just be from playing a game for too long). Or maybe it was because Kenma seemed to be playing a dating simulator of all things. 

Shouyou plopped down beside him, snagging a little bit of the blanket for himself. Kenma barely moved; his focus was on the animated sprite as they read out some date dialogue in a sweet voice. They were dressed in frills and bows, with long blonde hair and striking blue eyes. The different poses all showed off a bright smile. 

“She’s pretty,” Shouyou noted, tilting his head to the screen.

“That’s a guy,” Kenma responded without flinching. “And I’m only going down his route because I need more coins.” 

Even though they’d never had  _ that  _ discussion, Shouyou had known about Kenma’s preferences for a while now. It was a silent understanding between them. Shouyou wasn’t necessarily opposed to coming out, but, knowing Kenma, he would rather die than outright state his orientation. 

“Which one are you going after?” Shouyou asked. He picked up the game’s box, noting the various different anime-style boys to choose from. Funny enough, one of them looked exactly like Kageyama but if he actually knew how to smile. 

The game switched to a different scene where a new character came on screen. If the first boy had been pretty, this guy was downright  _ hot.  _ He had this spiky white hair that hung over one eye, a wicked grin, and a deep voice to tie it all together. He wore dark clothes with a little cat emblem on his shirt. 

Shouyou looked down at the game’s box once more. “ _ Shiro Tsuyuro, _ ” he read aloud, “ _ your nerdy childhood best friend _ . Hold on a minute, if he’s supposed to be nerdy why did they make him look like  _ that?  _ His smile’s kinda pervy.”

Kenma shrugged. “I don’t know, I didn’t design the game.” He frowned, as if he was actually beginning to process Shouyou’s words. “And I don’t think it’s that pervy.”

The avatar on screen flashed that same smile as the deep voice said,  _ “It’s alright, chibi-chan.” _

Shouyou shuddered. “Is that the kinda guy you’re in to?”   
  
“No,” Kenma answered back a little too quickly for his own good. “He’s the last character left and I can’t seem to finish his route. Something always goes wrong.”

Shouyou looked back at the avatar once again and couldn’t help but think it reminded him a little bit too much of another smooth-talking nerd he knew. 

“So why are you sick?” He pressed. He was going to get an answer out of Kenma, whether he liked it or not. “Did you stand out in the rain or something? Or did Kuroo over work you again?” 

At the last question, Kenma’s face became as red as his blanket. He tried to cover it but the damage had already been done. 

“Oh, I see,” Shouyou laughed. “So you’re just sick because you finally realized that you were in love with Kuroo and you can’t process it!”

Kenma further buried himself in the blanket. “I hate you,” he said back in a low gruff. 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of,” Shouyou said as convincingly as possible while he attempted to pull Kenma out of the covers. “You should tell him! Do it! Do it! Do it!”   


Kenma scrunched his nose in displeasure; he always did have a way of making the most expressive faces. Shouyou could practically see the gears turning in his head as Kenma returned his focus back to the game.

A sharp noise from the TV screen nearly made Shouyou fly off the bed. The avatar stuck out his tongue and said,  _ “I think you should molecule off, bud!”  _ Big red letters saying  _ GAME OVER  _ crossed over the screen with options of where to continue next. 

Shouyou snorted. “Ok, yeah I see the nerd part now.”   
  
Kenma wasn’t laughing though. In fact, his face seemed to warp even more into a look of pure dissatisfaction. Shouyou knew he had been invested in the game but surely it shouldn’t have elicited this harsh of a reaction. 

“Are you okay?” He asked quietly, as if to not disturb the menacing aura Kenma was producing. 

“It’s just…” Kenma’s hands tightened around the controller. “How am I supposed to confess if I can’t even get a stupid otome character to like me?”   
  
Shouyou blinked a few times, genuinely trying his best to see the correlation between the two. “Kenma, you do realize that life and games are different right?”   
  
“Shouyou, I’m not stupid,” Kenma bit back. He let out a heavy breath before continuing. “It’s just… I hate losing. And to be honest I can’t see a situation where I come out happy. The variables don’t add up.”   
  
“But Kuroo likes you too?”

Kenma shook his head. “You can say that but there’s no guarantee.”

Shouyou sat on that thought for a moment before eventually saying, “I mean… when is there a guarantee to anything? You never know when you’ll have your last day with someone so better make it count right?”

He didn’t intentionally bring down the mood but the change was instant. How could it not be? There was still a distant ache in Kenma’s heart too, after all. 

“I’m sorry,” Kenma said softly. 

“Don’t be,” Shouyou smiled lightly. “You should tell Kuroo though. I think it’ll go well.”

Kenma considered it, briefly. His gaze was still lowered but there seemed to be some sort of understanding passing over him. Maybe, just maybe, Shouyou was getting through. 

“Did it go well for you? With Kageyama?”   


Shouyou nodded. “Yeah… I mean we’re dating right now… I think. We sorta forgot to make things official.” Shouyou paused for a second but decided that was something to deal with later. “It doesn’t matter since I’m really, really happy around him. There isn’t another good way to describe it.”

“I get that,” Kenma said back, finally lifting his head. “But I don’t know how to proceed from here. It’s different.”

Shouyou let out a breath. “You know, it’s okay if you don’t know what you’re doing sometimes. I never know what I’m doing and I turned out fine.”

Kenma gave him a raised brow as if to say  _ are you sure about that?  _ Shouyou stuck out his tongue and continued. 

“Sometimes it’s best to not over-analyze the situation,” Shouyou grinned. “You gotta stop thinking about the things that could go badly since there’s always the chance things will go well.”

“But when emotions are involved, things go awry,” Kenma argued back. 

“Yeah  _ maybe,  _ but things could also go super well! That’s the cool thing about love. You can’t really stop it. It may come and go and things may change, but if you love someone you shouldn’t let them go. You should hold on for as long as you can and hold on tight. Sitting around doesn’t exactly do much. Love makes you do some silly, weird things but at least it makes you active. So… go for it!”

Kenma let out a cross between a disapproving snort and an amused laugh. He patted Shouyou twice on the hand before hitting the  _ CONTINUE  _ button on the screen. 

\---

Kei was exhausted. 

It wasn’t even due to a lack of sleep (in fact, he may have just gotten the best he’d had in  _ years _ ). No, it was pure, unadulterated emotional exhaustion; a side effect of feeling everything he possibly could have felt the night prior. 

Indignation, confusion, anguish, distress, melancholy, despair, relief, bliss, joy. 

Content. 

Honestly, Kei would need a bit more adjusting before he could undergo that kind of emotional rollercoaster again. He wasn’t necessarily upset it all came forth, rather just annoyed at the fact it all came at once. In some regard, it wasn’t really living without the full rainbow of emotion. Certainly now, life was just a bit more colorful and it wasn’t just because Kei was still in Tadashi’s bright room. 

He rolled over in bed, surprised to find it completely empty. He should’ve known from the moment his waist was free from grabbing hands that Yamaguchi had already risen but it was still a little jolting to feel the cool sheets beside him.

In a strange sort of way, this tiny little room of Yamaguchi’s was more homely than Kei’s had ever been. It’d become a neutral zone over the past few weeks with bits of Kei strewn about in every corner. He’d never been one for physical items but his presence could be seen everywhere if he looked hard enough. From the way there was a empty space for his glasses on the nightstand to the fact that his important dates had been marked in a green pen on the calendar above the desk. Small fragments of a million memories. 

Kei finally found the courage to rise out of bed and padded towards the kitchen. Yamaguchi stood at the stove, humming some anime theme song while he cooked up what looked to be eggs. He didn’t even notice Kei walking in so he was completely in his own element. 

There was a word to describe the sort of airiness that now invaded Kei’s chest when he saw Yamaguchi like this. Even after last night, he couldn’t describe how he properly felt towards him since ‘care’ still wasn’t right. 

He could have pondered on the significance for hours really but he opted instead to say a small, “Hey,” as he settled at the counter. 

Yamaguchi turned slightly and gave Kei a warm smile. “Oh so I see you’re not dead yet. Seriously, you could have fooled me with the way you were sleeping. Everything okay?”

Kei nodded slightly. Semantics were always tricky since ‘okay’ wasn’t nearly enough to encompass everything. 

“Tsukki, you can tell me if something’s wrong,” Yamaguchi informed him as he turned off the stove. He plated the eggs and added some toast as well. He served Kei first before giving himself a smaller portion. That was the unfortunate side of being friends with Yamaguchi; Kei knew for a fact that he cared too much about others for his own good. 

Kei decidedly began to eat rather than answer. It might’ve been a tad out of the ordinary but honestly Kei was unsure of what exactly ‘ordinary’ was anymore. Somehow he’d been transferred to this parallel universe where he actually had an appetite and had the freedom to voice his emotions. 

Yamaguchi took a bite of his own food before pointing his fork at Kei. “If you don’t tell me what’s wrong right now,” he said between bites, “I’ll kick you out of this house.”

Kei poked at his egg a little more. “Actually that may be for the best.”

He didn’t need to look up to perfectly guess Yamaguchi’s reaction. A little bit of shock, a whole lot of hurt. Upturned brows and a slackened jaw as he tried to form something to say. When Kei did flick his gaze up, his predictions were scarily accurate. 

“Tsukki, i-it was just a joke. I didn’t—”   
  
“I know,” Kei affirmed in the most soothing voice he had. It may have sounded monotonous but at least he was somewhat trying. “It’s not you. Really. I’ve just been thinking it’s probably about time considering I’ve overstayed my welcome.”

Yamaguchi furiously shook his head. “Not at all! Seriously, it’s been nice not being home alone! I swear.”   
  
“Maybe so but… I can’t push off facing Akiteru forever.”

And even though the thought terrified Kei to his very core, it was the truth. Because he had to fix himself and his fucked up relationship with his brother before he could fix his relationships with everyone else. It was a step, maybe small or maybe huge, but nonetheless Kei was trying. 

Who could have expected that Kei would ever put effort into… well anything?

Yamaguchi nodded, a wave of understanding visibly passing over him.

They ate in a comfortable silence after that. It was completely unlike the cold, dead air that passed between them before. Even now, there were small smiles and an entire hidden conversation that didn’t need to be said aloud. 

Thing was, Kei would miss this. The freedom, the silence, the laughter, the music, the… everything. He’d truly miss it even if it was difficult to admit. The longing was one of those new emotions Kei was still getting used to.

It was dumb, of course. They’d still ride the train together in the mornings and pass stupid notes during class and give each other silent screams when Hinata or Kageyama acted afool and study together in the library and try new cafes and drop the other off at work and spend too much time in a dingy little studio and walk together when the moon was hung high up in the sky. Nothing much would change. 

But then again, it would all change. Because Kei would have to remove his toothbrush from its little place in the bathroom and Yamaguchi would probably put something in the spot where Kei’s glasses went and his drawers would be a little freer and he wouldn’t find blond hairs suspiciously everywhere. It would all go back to the way it used to be. 

Isn’t that what Yamaguchi wanted though? He wanted things like how they were before?

Kei stole a glance at Yamaguchi. He idly checked his phone, snorting at some text from Hinata. 

The ‘ordinary’ had been lost long ago; possibly around the time when Yamaguchi had to pull Kei to his senses the first time he wanted to quit Year One. They didn’t necessarily need ordinary though. To Kei, Yamaguchi was a lot of things but ordinary was certainly not on the list. 

A creeping thought lingered in Kei’s mind. The suspicion that this possibly wouldn’t be the last time he shared an apartment with Yamaguchi. It wasn’t likely to happen soon but the smallest fragment of hope for the future let Kei pack up his things with little uncertainty left in his mind. 

They’d live together again. Kei wouldn’t allow it any other way. 

\---

Tobio may have been gifted in some regards. 

While others may have considered his unique aptitude for guitar a gift from above, the reality was Tobio had spent years perfecting his skills. There might have been some luck involved but ultimately it was the effort that got him to this point, not some external force. 

Hinata, on the other hand, was naturally gifted. The rapid rate in which he progressed was astounding to say the least. His talent in all regards was this sort of indescribable feat that Tobio, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, was jealous of in a petty way. But that jealousy was ultimately drowned out by the overwhelming sense of pride that took shape any time Hinata excelled. 

But then again, Hinata was still learning and growing. And he still got on Tobio’s nerves each time he made some silly error because he was thinking too hard about being the best or something. Not that Tobio was any better persay; after all his emotions made him practically incapable of playing for a small period there (he gladly repressed those memories as needed though). 

Tobio let out a heavy breath and leaned back against his bed. He had all of his music and songwriting notes spread out on the floor in a perfect little semi-circle. If he didn’t know any better it almost looked like he was trying to summon something. 

Hinata laid on his bed, head dropping off the side next to Tobio’s. He was idly scrolling on his phone, laughing at something dumb here and there and proudly showing it off to Tobio. Ever since they’d ‘officially’ gotten together, most days were spent like this. Just hanging around, doing whatever rather than going on an actual date. Frankly, Tobio didn’t know if they were at that point yet but nonetheless his heart fluttered at just the thought of seeing Hinata all dressed up for him. 

He shook the happy thought out of his head and focused back on his music. Even after speaking with Oikawa, Tobio still found it difficult to express exactly what he wanted. Technically Hinata was here to aid in that process but he was far too distracted in order to actually be efficient. 

Tobio’s eyes wandered off the page once more and towards Hinata. He was truly beautiful. There wasn’t another word for it (like Tobio had the vocabulary to express it properly even if there were). No, Hinata was beautiful with his amber eyes and soft hair and warm smile and small hands and brilliant laugh and incredible talent. Hinata was beautiful just right here—sunlight softly descending between the blinds and onto his face. 

With his hues of orange and red, Hinata was like Autumn in a way. A little bite of cold but the lingering warm feelings of summer. 

Change. It’s what Hinata did. He evolved and grew and developed into something better each and every day. That thought alone let Tobio think of a million melodies and things to say, only some of which were actually coherent. 

Nonetheless, he tested out a few notes together and liked the way they sounded. The melody was always the hardest part. But luckily for Tobio he already had a song stuck in his heart and its name was Hinata Shouyou. It was just a matter of drawing it out. 

Hinata tapped him on the shoulder. “Look, Yamaguchi and Tsukishima made up,” he said, showing off a text conversation between him and Yamaguchi. Tobio barely skimmed it but got the gist; they were back to business. 

“Think they’ll actually be able to play now?” Tobio griped. 

Hinata let his phone fall onto his chest. “Hopefully. I gotta lot of ideas for them and I kinda miss having good practices.”   
  
“So do I.”   


Hinata turned his head and smiled at Tobio. Even upside down he was still beautiful. 

“Whatcha thinking about?” Hinata giggled. 

Tobio could feel his ears go hot. If he was smooth, at all, like in the very slightest, then he might have been able to say  _ “you”.  _ But Tobio was physically incapable of that so instead he blurted out a, “Shut up, dumbass,” as Hinata continued to laugh. 

A distinct buzz from Hinata’s phone broke their little moment only for Hinata to gasp and ruin their peace completely. 

“What’s wrong?” Tobio asked, trying to peek at his screen. 

Hinata shuddered. “Tsukishima just asked if he could help me write lyrics.”

\---

Kei walked into his own home but for some reason it felt completely foreign.

Before when he’d come home after a vacation or camp, a sense of relief would wash over him as he’d be thankful to be in his own space again. Even as he reentered his bedroom, something about it seemed… empty. The room might have been small to begin with but it still felt like too much for a 190cm tall high school boy. 

Before he even had the chance to set his things down, there was a knock at his door. 

“Welcome home,” Akiteru said with full sincerity. 

Kei turned to greet his brother with all of the courage he could muster. He gave him a mumbled, “Thanks,” before setting his bag onto his bed. 

“Are you…” Akiteru took a cautious step inside, “home for good now?”   
  
“Well I assume I’ll leave for college at some point but until then, yes.”

Akiteru let out an uneasy laugh. Kei didn’t intend to be funny but at least he understood Akiteru’s nerves. Facing your brother that you consecutively lied to years? Must be rough. Kei couldn’t relate. 

As Kei began to unpack his things, Akiteru inched more and more inside his room until he eventually took a nervous seat at Kei’s desk. 

“I’m glad you’re back,” Akiteru added unhelpfully. “It’s been a while since everyone’s been under the same roof.”   
  
Kei shrugged, not bothering to turn towards his brother as he spoke. “I suppose.”

“I… well I guess I can just cut to the chase. Look, Kei, I’m sorry for everything that happened. What I did was horrible and wrong. There aren’t any excuses, not really. Sure I wasn’t right in the head but that doesn’t make what I did okay. I should have been honest with you.”

Kei faced his brother, noticing how his face was warped in a sort of painful expression and how his hands were tuning over and over again in his lap. He was serious. 

“I got lost,” Akiteru admitted, defeat rising off his voice. “It took a long time for me to reconcile with everything and I still can’t forgive myself for what I did. I understand if you don’t want to forgive me.”

Kei sucked in a breath. “I guess… well… I’m sorry as well.”

Akiteru paused in his monologue to stare up at Kei. “Huh?”

“I’m sorry.”   
  
“Kei, you did nothing wrong here. I’m the one who lied and—”   
  
“And I didn’t hear you out,” Kei explained. “We could have talked about this years ago but I didn’t want to face what happened.”   
  
Akiteru shook his head. “I can’t believe this… I had this whole apology planned out and everything.”

“Yeah, I can tell.”

“Seriously, this is too much,” Akiteru breathed. 

“Are you  _ crying? _ ”

Sure enough, Akiteru was tearing up ever-so-slightly. He adamantly wiped away the tears and turned his head away but Kei had already seen everything he needed to. “I just can’t believe my baby brother is so grown up.”

“Ok, ew, now you’re making it gross. Get out of my room.”

Akiteru’s head whipped back. “Are you still mad at me?”   
  
“Yeah and I’ll stay mad until you’re done crying, it’s disgusting.”

Akiteru did no such thing though. Instead, he wrapped Kei up in a tight hug that reminded Kei of being a kid again. Of course now he’d overpassed his brother in height but the feeling was still there. 

Akiteru pulled back and wiped his face once again. “If it’s any consolation, I still play bass.”   
  
“...Seriously?”   
  
“Yeah. I mean, I could never return back to a band considering everything that happened but at the end of the day I still liked making music. We could play sometime, if you’d like.”   
  
Kei let out a breath. So this was what he’d been missing for the last few years. The feeling of well… feeling. 

“Yeah,” he gave Akiteru the smallest of smiles. “That’d be nice.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session seventeen: Resistance


	17. Resistance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> imma be real this month will be ROUGH so im gonna try to get some chapters out but no promises eek 
> 
> also follow me on twitter @copyrightings_ I've had it for a while now but idk who to follow!! i'd love to get more active on hq twitter since it seems like a great time
> 
> ok honestly?? you guys are amazing and I love u all take this we gettin close to the end here may add another chapter who knows ok thanks bye

It wasn’t like Shouyou  _ hated  _ Tsukishima or anything. 

Hate was a strong word. A word he would prefer not to use when it came to his bandmates. And yet somehow he couldn’t think of something else to describe his relationship with Tsukishima. 

Sure, there was a certain level of… respect. Tsukishima was, unfortunately (or maybe fortunately considering they were in the same band after all), talented. Shouyou couldn’t deny that. But Tsukishima was also stingy and mean and rude and was everything Shouyou wasn’t. They were too opposite from one another to the point where their personalities clashed rather than even each other out.

But Tsukishima had taken the initiative to reach out about a lyric writing session so the least Shouyou could do was accept his request. And as much as he wanted Tsukishima to completely fail at the whole process, there was also the nagging thought that said Tsukishima would be absolutely amazing. 

Regardless of songwriting capabilities, he was still late. Shouyou bounced his leg underneath the cafe booth while his eyes were locked on the door. His hot chocolate had been long forgotten, half-drunk and disregarded in favor for staring at the incoming patrons. He didn’t even notice that someone had sat down in front of him until a sing-songy voice called out to him: “Yahoo~! Chibi-chan!”

Shouyou took in the guy now sitting in front of him. With sweeping brunette hair and the dark gaze to match, he looked like he could eat Shouyou alive despite his initial charming appearance. What didn’t help was the fact that another guy came behind him and landed a solid smack to the back of pretty boy’s head. 

“Shittykawa, stop bothering people,” the standing guy said, pressing his lips into a frown. While he might have been on the shorter side (not like Shouyou had anything to say about it), he was relatively built. He regarded Shouyou with a one-handed bow. “Sorry for this dumbass.”   
  
“Rude, Iwa-chan!” The supposed Shittykawa complained. “You know how long I’ve wanted to talk with him!”   


Shouyou raised a brow. “Sorry but have we met before?”   
  
“Nope!” Shittykawa hummed, leaning his elbows on the table. “But I’ve met your bandmate. I’m sure Tobio-chan has talked all about his amazing mentor.”   
  
A vague memory popped up but Shouyou couldn’t remember the guy’s name for the life of him. He could, however, recall his title. 

“The Grand King!” Shouyou exclaimed. 

Shittykawa raised a brow. “Hah! Is that what he called me? I guess it’s a fitting name. Anywho, I’m Oikawa Tooru and this,” he pointed to the guy behind him, “is my loving boyfriend Iwa-chan.”

“Iwaizumi Hajime,” he corrected. 

“And our band will destroy you at the band competition next month.”

Shouyou let out a, “Oh,” as the realization clicked in place. Kageyama’s mentor was this smooth-talking pretty boy who wanted to pummel his protege into the ground. Right. Of course. That made total sense. 

“Now tell me all about yourself,” Oikawa cooed. “Like how long have you been playing music?”   
  
Shouyou pressed his lips together. “Hmm, a few months? What’s today?”   
  
Oikawa and Iwaizumi passed a look of surprise. “Damn, kid,” Iwaizumi huffed in disbelief. “How did even manage to get Kageyama to play with you in the first place?”   
  
“By asking nicely?” 

_ And singing your heart out in the middle of a stairwell,  _ Shouyou thought to himself. These guys probably already knew about his voice though. They’d probably already seen him perform too judging from their reactions. 

“You really are something,” Oikawa commented, eyes becoming darker. 

“Thanks I guess? So… what’s your band called?” Shouyou asked. He figured might as well get to know these guys considering they’d been around Kageyama before. And also it didn’t seem like Tsukishima would be appear anytime soon; he was off doing whatever Tsukishima’s did (which Shouyou could only guess was stare lovingly at Yamaguchi, complain, and be late to various events).

“We’re  _ Reyes,” _ Oikawa answered, rolling the  _ r  _ and tucking a piece of hair behind his ear. “We’ve made a lot of changes to our group so don’t expect us to have the same rhythm as before.” 

“Of course,” Shouyou commented, like he knew anything that Oikawa was talking about. 

The bell of the cafe door rung as two teens walked in. “Speak of the little devils,” Oikawa laughed as he waved them over. “Aki-chan! Taro-chan!”

They both wore the same uniform as Oikawa but that was where the resemblances stopped. One guy was relatively tall with pointy hair that Shouyou sort of thought looked like a turnip. The other guy was sleepy-looking beneath his face of neutral displeasure. His lips curled into a grimace as Oikawa called his name once more. 

“I guess this is our cue to leave,” Oikawa said with a pout, “but I do hope to talk with you again. Maybe then I can suck the talent right out of you.”

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi warned. 

Oikawa shrugged. “Maybe next time. Stay intriguing, shirmpy-chan.”

He scooted out of the booth and gave Shouyou a peace sign while Iwaizumi waved a small goodbye. They relocated to the opposite side of the cafe where two other boys with matching uniforms were waiting. As the newcomers passed by Shouyou, they gave him a thorough scan before eventually joining what must have been their fellow bandmates. 

For whatever reason, Shouyou didn’t like where that was going. 

The bell rang once more, this time as Tsukishima strolled inside. He casually made his way over to Shouyou’s booth before removing his headphones and finally settling down. 

“You’re late, Stingyshima,” Shouyou frowned. 

Tsukishima barely regarded him. “Must you inform me of things I’m already aware of?”   


“Why did you ask to do this anyways? You can’t possibly be serious about—”

Tsukishima dropped a notebook onto the table. Inside, words were scribbled across the pages with no sort of reason or rhyme. The penmanship was sloppy at best, and that was coming from Shouyou who couldn’t read his own writing half of the time. As Tsukishima flipped through, Shouyou caught a few lyrics here and there; they were mostly incomprehensible but there was a sort of elegance to them as well. Certainly far from the word-dump state of mind Shouyou had when writing lyrics.

Tsukishima stopped on one particular page where words were jumbled up into haphazard sentences. “I helped to write original songs for my band in middle school,” Tsukishima explained. “So most of these are childish, old, and riddled with spelling errors. Recently though, new lyrics came to mind.”   


Shouyou peeked down at the page. Skimming through, the poetic nature of it all jumped off the page. It was still restrained though, like Tsukishima was holding something back. 

Shouyou let out a small laugh. “This actually isn’t… horrible. I mean it’s  _ bad,  _ sort of, but yeah I guess we could use it.”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. “Appreciate the positive feedback but I’m only helping you if you can agree to two small stipulations.”

“Ahuh, sure, whatever.”

“I’m serious Hinata,” Tsukishima warned. “If you can’t agree with my terms then I will never help you on a song again.”

Shouyou whined but finally let out a, “Okay, okay, what are they?”

“One: I will receive no credit for my work,” Tsukishima explained in a deadpan voice. 

Shouyou sort of stopped in his tracks. This seemed… oddly out of character considering how much credit he gave himself for letting Kageyama and Shouyou pass their exams last semester. There must have been a reason why but Shouyou couldn’t think of anything at the moment. Tsukishima wasn’t shy, he wasn’t afraid, and he certainly wasn’t embarrassed. Why did he want to hide his work?

“Okay, I can do that,” Shouyou agreed, now eager to hear the second condition. 

Tsukshima paused before giving it out. “Two: You will never tell Yamaguchi of my involvement in the lyric writing process.”

Shouyou bit his lip. “Are you sure, Tsukishima?”

“Positive.”

Shouyou nodded, still trying to understanding the reasoning. “Okay I guess… although Kageyama knows about all of this too.”

Tsukishima let out a  _ tch.  _ “Of course he does,” he exhaled, crossing his arms. “That just means you both must agree to never speak of my work.”

“But why though?” Shouyou pressed. At this point, there was nothing to hide. 

Tsukishima, for once, seemed nervous. “Do you  _ need _ an answer?”

“I mean I guess not…”

“Then I won’t give it to you.”

“Oh, come on!” Shouyou complained, reaching over the table. Tsukishima leaned back as much as possible. “There’s gotta be a reason! You never get embarrassed!”

“It’s not about embarrassment, it’s about honesty,” Tsukishima griped. “Writing exposes you. I don’t need any sort of spotlight. It’s the bassist’s job to link together rhythm and melody. I don’t need the responsibilities of the vocalist or the lyricist. I’m fine where I am currently.”

“But you still wanna provide lyrics?”   
  
Tsukishima sighed, standing up. “Forget I suggested this.”   
  
“No, no!” Shouyou called, trying to ease Tsukishima back into the booth. 

Something must have happened—something with  _ Yamaguchi  _ must have happened. What else could it be? Regardless, Tsukishima obviously wasn’t going to budge. Shouyou had a feeling he could pry it out of Yamaguchi but Tsukishima was unfortunately a stone-cold safe. 

“Okay, we won’t give you credit and we won’t tell Yamaguchi,” Shouyou relinquished. “Are you happy?”   
  
“I’m never happy.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Shouyou waved it off as he took a sip of his hot chocolate which was more like lukewarm chocolate by now. “Anyways, show me what you got.” 

“Well… I’ve been thinking a lot about semantics lately,” Tsukishima began. “And I—”   
  
“Wait, what is that?” Shouyou cut him off. 

Tsukishima pushed up his glasses. “It’s the study of intentions. How people communicate and what they mean when they produce some sort of sign that signifies a certain meaning.”

Shouyou blinked. 

“I’ve been looking at why things mean what they mean.”

“Got it.” He gave Tsukishima a thumbs-up. “Continue.”   
  
Tsukishima seriously looked like he was reconsidering every action leading up to this moment. “Okay well semiotics and semantics coincide in order to relay additional meanings from original words or sentence. There’s hidden messages behind everything with double entendres, covert motives, and general ambiguity. I think bringing this concept into a song would add an extra layer of technicality, especially when you consider messages that are incomplete.”   
  
Shouyou thought about it for a moment, trying to comprehend everything Tsukishima was trying to get at. It was some higher-level thinking that took a few moments for him to process but he got the gist. Additional meanings. Saying things without saying anything at all. Got it. 

“So what exactly did you have in mind?” Shouyou asked, his curiosity starting to run wild with the idea. 

Tsukishima wrung his hands out on the table. “Well taking into account our current set list, the history of our band, and what’s expected of us, it’s safe to assume that our impact will be higher if we focus on a singular emotion for a song.”

“Like love?” Shouyou joked, hoping to get a reaction out of him. 

Instead, something passed over Tsukishima’s eyes that frightened Shouyou to his very core. He had a lopsided, slick grin that screamed  _ you’re in for something good.  _

“That’s one word for it.”

\---

Things were starting to look up for Year One. Which, to be honest, was exactly what Tobio needed.

He despised the odd dynamics of silent treatments and inefficient practices that had plagued their band. They might have been four emotionally compromised teenage boys but it was getting ridiculous at this point. 

Luckily, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi seemed to have reunited. They made up over whatever they were fighting over (at least that’s what Tobio guessed). He might have been utterly incompetent when it came to understanding other people’s feelings but even he could see their obvious change in dynamic. It was almost like how they were when they first formed the band.

But maybe that wasn’t right either since there seemed to be subtle differences. Tobio didn’t care enough to pay attention to them but at least he could recognize there was change. At the very least, it was positive. 

That change showed up in their music as well. With a few more full band sessions, some generous songwriting help from Hinata in the form of encouragement kisses, and a couple secretive lyricist meetings, the first demo of their new song was ready. There were kinks to work out and more issues than Tobio wanted to deal with, but they had something. 

As they ran through the tune once again, this time focusing on better integrating the second guitar to the song, Hinata let a few of the words out between pleasant-sounding hums. Something in the way they flowed reminded Tobio of a leaf falling from a tree. Ethereal and fleeting but beautiful nonetheless. 

“Wow, Hinata! Those lyrics sound great!” Yamaguchi complimented as they finished up another rep. 

Hinata nodded along, noticeably avoiding eye contact with Yamaguchi. “Yup! Great!” 

Oh no. He was losing it. Hinata had never been a good liar but now it was way too obvious from the nervous smile to the actually shaking body. 

“All me!” Hinata added pointlessly. “All the lyrics are mine!”

“I mean that’s what I assumed, considering how the process went last time,” Yamaguchi nodded. He was starting to get suspicious. “Did someone else help?”

Tsukishima dragged his hand across his neck as if to motion  _ Stop or I’ll kill you.  _

“Whaaaat?” Hinata feigned. “Outside help? Who would ever need that?”   


Even Tobio could tell it was bad acting. 

“I mean I guess it can be useful for some tracks,” Yamaguchi said, a question in his tone. “I mean there’s nothing wrong with getting a second opinion.”

Tsukishima stepped forward. “Look, he’s all nervous since he wrote it with Kageyama. Didn’t we say to refrain PDA from rehearsal spaces?”

Yamaguchi turned to Tobio with a newfound sense of curiosity. “You helped write this, Kageyama? That’s sort of surprising, I”m not going to lie.”

Tobio sent a careful glare towards Hinata. He squeaked and hid behind his guitar.

“Yes,” Tobio replied curtly. “Full of surprises.”

Hinata let out another nervous laugh. “Anyways… ah Tsukishima you’re sounding… good?” He cringed as the word left his mouth.    
  
Tsukishima gave him a face of total dissatisfaction. “Please never compliment me again. It sounds wrong.”   
  
“But it’s true!” Yamaguchi added, obviously ready to shift the conversation away as well. “Those extra sessions are making you sound great!”   
  
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima said like he always did. 

“Sorry, Tsukki!” 

Tobio gave Tsukishima a look. “Extra sessions? Who are you, Hinata?”   
  
“Oh I apologize dearly,” Tsukishima said, feigning his sympathy. “Don’t get your panties twisted though, I only went to one additional rehearsal with a different band. But I suppose there is some benefit in rehearsing with one of the top drummers in Japan.”   
  
“That’s right, how was working with Bokuto-san?” Hinata asked, a new light in his eyes. 

“He’s… overzealous to say the least,” Tsukishima admitted with a small shudder. 

Tobio stepped forward, waving his arms. “Hold on, hold on. You practiced with Bokuto? Like  _ the  _ Bokuto?”

“Yeah,” Tsukishima shrugged. “What of it?”   
  
Tobio’s face dropped. “His skills are practically unparalleled and it’s apparently super difficult to get to work with him how in the  _ hell  _ did you manage to do that?”   
  
“Luck I suppose?”   
  
“Does that mean you worked with Akaashi as well?” Tobio pressed. 

Tsukishima sighed. “Yes, what are you on? They’re just people.”   
  
“People with incredible skills for playing that mesh incredibly well together. They’re noted as some of the best players in the nation. What kind of guitar was Akaashi using? What was the setup like? How did they run their rehearsals? What kind of amps do they use? Who else is in their band? What kind of—”

“Ah, excuse me?” 

Tobio turned to see Yachi peeking her head in through the door. 

“Oh good are you on break right now?” She asked, stepping through with a clipboard in hand. 

“No we…” Tobio turned to get the band back in order but it appeared that Yamaguchi and Hinata had slipped out of the room at some point during their argument. Tsukishima scoffed when he noticed. 

Yachi quietly closed he door behind her. “I just have a few housekeeping things but I can wait until Hinata and Yamaguchi return if you’d like.”   
  
Tsukishima waved it off. “Who knows where they went off to. What did you need?”   
  
“Oh, I received some more instructions about the festival next month but it’s mostly logistics that we can look at again when we get closer. Our performance will…”

Tobio sort of zoned out as she went on. It wasn’t really his fault considering most of the things she talked about were boring facts that he didn’t need to know at the moment. Instead, he began to focus on something he’d never really acknowledged before: Yachi herself. 

She’d been a great addition to their team. The messy, practical things Tobio would rather die than deal with all went to her and she completed everything with a smile. She was upbeat, happy, smart, helpful… everything that Tobio wasn’t.

Yachi was also unequivocally cute. 

Not in a,  _ I want to date you,  _ sort of way but he could see how others would think that. He could see where  _ Hinata  _ would think that, considering the two of them had been getting closer over the past few months. Tobio wasn’t necessarily a jealous person but he honestly couldn’t find another word that described his feelings towards Yachi. 

It was stupid; he knew that. Hinata liked him even when he could have chosen to like Yachi. But still, something didn’t sit right with him. 

Tobio gazed over at Tsukishima only to find his face was perfectly mirroring his own internal turmoil. Same pinched brows and downturned lips Tobio would have been wearing if not for the shocked expression that replaced it. 

“And that’s about it!” Yachi finished, putting down her notes. “Sound good?”

Tsukishima grimaced. “Yachi-san, pardon my insolence but what is your relationship with Yamaguchi?”

Tobio audibly gasped while Yachi blinked a few times, trying to understand. “Huh?” She asked quietly.

“Are you romantically interested in him?”   
  
Tobio may have been an asshole, but at least he didn’t do  _ that.  _ Even for him, it was too bold. He couldn’t necessarily pick up on other people’s emotional outputs but at the very least he tried to be civil. Tsukishima, obviously, didn’t care about that in the slightest. 

No, he continued to stare at Yachi with a pointed gaze and loomed over her until she began to cower away. 

“I-I uh…” She brought her papers close to her chest. “I don’t like him…”

Tsukishima didn’t seem satisfied. “Why not?”   
  
Yachi squeaked in response. “Because I… uh… don’t like boys?”

The words rested in the air, heavy and full. It took all of Tobio’s self restraint to not immediately start laughing at his own stupidity but all of that effort was lost the moment he looked at Tsukishima’s face.

He was  _ blushing.  _

Tobio laughed, deep and weighty, in between assurances that he wasn’t laughing at Yachi. She stood there, straight as a needle, as Tobio’s laughter filled up the studio. It was truly a good thing it was sound proof or else he might have disturbed all of Tokyo with his awful cackle. 

He held his aching side and pointed a finger at Tsukishima. “You really thought she was going after Yamaguchi?”

“Shut up you moronic King,” Tsukishima growled back as he pushed up his glasses to hide his reddening face. 

“I’m sorry if that makes you uncomfortable, Tsukishima-kun,” Yachi said, trying to calm down the antics of the room. 

Tsukishima waved her off. “That’s not it. Seriously, it’s not.”   
  
“Of course it isn’t!” Tobio continued to laugh, eventually having to wipe away the tears collected at his eyes. “And I thought I was stupid!”   
  
“You still are; this doesn’t negate that.”   
  
Tobio shook his head. “No, now this just shows that you’re as stupid as me.” Tsukishima groaned in response, crossing his arms.

“Am I missing something here?” Yachi yelped out as her face showed off even more confusion. 

“No,” Tsukishima curtly replied while Tobio shrugged. She could figure it out later. It was enough to have one awful couple in a band, she probably needed a little more time to comprehend that a second one was well on its way to forming. 

“Okay…” Yachi said, awkwardly shifting her weight. "I’m going to go find Hinata and Yamaguchi. Excuse me.”

She left without another word, face red as she stumbled out of the room. 

“And I thought I was being obvious,” Tobio commented as he sat down to retune his guitar. 

Tsukishima recollected himself, adjusting the strap to his bass. “I would prefer to not hear criticisms from someone who decided the best place to have his first kiss was directly off stage in the middle of a performance.”

Tobio decidedly ignored the comment. “You have to tell him at some point.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about and you have no idea about it either.”

Tobio pressed his lips together. “Is that why you don’t want Yamaguchi to know you helped with the lyrics?”

Tsukishima’s eyes shifted towards the door but no one came through. 

“Hinata showed me that other song you were working on too,” Tobio commented, now solely for the purpose of getting under Tsukishima’s skin. “Who knew you were so emotional?”

“What are you aiming at?” Tsukishima asked with harshness straining in his voice. “Is it some sort of reaction?”

_ Yes.  _

“No, I’m genuinely curious. How much of the song did you end up writing?”

Tsukishima paused before deciding on an answer. “More than I’m willing to admit.”

\---

Hinata tossed Tadashi a drink from the vending machine and gave him a thumbs up. 

Tadashi wasn’t certain about ditching their other bandmates in the middle of an argument, but Hinata had assured him everything would be fine as they wound down the various hallways of the studio space. Even as Tsukki and Kageyama were fighting, Tadashi couldn’t help but think there was a nice regularity to it. Like they could return back to the days of jamming out and having fun like a regular band.

In the couple weeks since their argument, Tadashi enjoyed the normalcy with Tsukki. Yet there was this new feeling that he was hiding something. Tadashi couldn’t comment considering he’d been sitting on a huge secret for months now, but there was this voice telling him that Tsukki was hiding something. 

Tadashi took a swig of his drink. He’d continue to ignore it out of his own sanity’s sake and to keep the last strings of their friendship together. One wrong move and Tadashi would be falling all over again. 

“So when are you gonna tell Tsukishima that you’re in love with him?” Hinata asked, holding absolutely nothing back 

Tadashi choked on his drink as the veracity struck him. “You can’t just ask someone that!” He said back between coughs. 

“Hmm? Why not?” Hinata raised a brow. “I’m not wrong, am I?”

Tadashi sighed. It was futile. Soon the whole world would know about his feelings and Tsukki would still be completely oblivious to it all. A part of him wanted to say it, completely disregarding the consequences in the slim hopes some sort of reciprocation was there.

“You’re not wrong,” Tadashi admitted, encircling his hands around his drink, “but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to know, especially Tsukki. I mean… I want to tell him but it’s like the words don’t ever come out. I get caught up just thinking about it.”

Hinata nodded along, his face free of any particular emotion to show he was simply listening in. “I’ve learned recently that you can say a lot without saying a lot. It’s called seme.”

Tadashi blinked, hoping Hinata was being clueless. “Do you mean semiotics?”   
  
“Oh yeah that!” Hinata nodded rapidly. “You’re smart, Yamaguchi did you know that? Well, smart except when it comes to Tsukishima. I think he makes your IQ way lower.”   
  
“I’m not sure that’s how that works…”

Hinata shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. Anyways, you can say a lot without saying it, right? Since the actual words are hard to say you say something else instead. As long as you mean it and Tsukishima understands it, right?”

“Right…” Tadashi added, still a little unsure. 

“So do that! If you think it’ll work. Or maybe give him something. You can’t just keep going like this though. Life’s short and you gotta say what you gotta say.”   


Hinata, for all of his idiocy and ridiculousness, was actually smart in a lot of ways. He might act like a kid sometimes and lack maturity in some regards but at the end of the day he understood other people. He had an innate sense about emotions far beyond Tadashi’s comprehension. In comparison, he was an infant barely understanding his feelings while Hinata had to cope with everything around him.

Tadashi nodded. “I’ll tell him. But… I want to tell him everything.

“Everything?”

“Yeah,” Tadashi affirmed. “I think I have a lot more to say than just a few words.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session eighteen: Fluorescent Adolescent


	18. Fluorescent Adolescent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi and WOW its been so long since I updated man I wish I was getting out two chapters a week like I did over the summer haha
> 
> in all seriousness, I apologize for everything taking so long but i've been going through a bit of a rough period. usually writing is the thing I look forward to and recently it's been a chore at the back of my mind which is definitely not the right mindset I want going into a fic. I want to give you the best writing I can so I am super appreciative of all of the nice comments and everything so from the bottom of my heart, thank you. they have seriously given me a lot of motivation in finishing this chapter
> 
> I will say though I'm feeling a lot better though recently and I can't express the joy that comes out of finishing a chapter. thank you so much for patiently awaiting and i've already started on the next few chapters! I can't wait for you all to read it
> 
> thanks a lot and enjoy!❤️

There was something sort of relaxing about Autumn. The way the leaves cascaded from the trees in shades of red and orange. The way the wind picked up and left Tobio a little breathless, a little awestruck. The way things changed and always turned out for the better. 

_You could write a song about that_ , Tobio absently thought to himself before entirely dismissing the idea. He really didn’t have the brain capacity to come up with another song at the moment, let alone think about anything other than band rehearsals and school (although the latter often suffered more). 

As Summer stood on its last legs, the heat trailing day after day, Year One improved at a rapid rate. Tobio had been a part of impressive bands before and knew what talent looked like; he was _completely_ certain when he said that Year One was something extraordinary. 

While Tsukishima still continued to hide his lyrical power, his bass skills were becoming extremely fine tuned. He even played the cello for them one day as a sort of _fuck you_ to Tobio that he was, in fact, multitalented. 

On the other hand, Yamaguchi was practically unrecognizable from the first time Tobio saw him. Those simple beats tapped onto a school desk had been translated into full, expansive drum solos that kept perfect tempo. It was sort of mesmerizing the way his confidence grew session after session. 

And then, of course, there was Hinata. 

Hinata, who Tobio was so in love with, it caused him actual pain. Hinata, who Tobio wanted to spend every aching moment with. Hinata, who Tobio could write endless songs for and never run out of melodies. Hinata, who hadn’t actually been on a real date with Tobio. 

Somewhere in the jumble of life, school, and the band, the two had barely enough time to walk the other home let alone plan out a proper date. Tobio wanted to sit with him in the park under the falling leaves, or take a stroll along the beach, the chilly breeze of the ocean nipping at their noses, or run around the streets late at night, basking under the Tokyo skyscrapers. 

There were about a million things that Tobio wanted to do with Hinata. There was also the rising fear that he would look back one day and Hinata would no longer be there. That he too believed Tobio was a tyrant king destined for loneliness. Most of all, Tobio feared that Hinata would leave before they had even started. 

Tobio shook the pressing negative thoughts out of his head and zoned back into their rehearsal. Hinata and Yamaguchi were going on about something seemingly random while Tsukishima idly retuned his base for the nth time. Tobio kept his eyes locked on Hinata who was completely lost in his own happy world. The sunshiney sight alone was almost too much for Tobio to bear. 

Two short raps from the door signaled Yachi as she entered the small studio. 

“Oh Yachi-san!” Hinata called the moment Yachi stepped inside. He immediately fled to her, still adorned with his huge grin. “Did you get everything you needed?”

Yachi nodded, firm. She even gave him a small salute. “All of the information is ready whenever you guys are.”  
  
“What did you force her to do?” Tsukishima asked dryly. “Please tell me you’re not coercing our underpaid manager into participating in one of your idiotic schemes.”  
  
Hinata crossed his arms. “I’ll have you know my schemes aren’t idiotic! And besides, Yachi-san was actually the one to suggest this so HA.”

Yachi went around the room and handed each of the boys a sheet of paper filled with graphs, photographs, and so many numbers it made Tobio’s head swirl. 

“What the hell is this?” Tobio asked, trying his honest best to examine the words in front of him. At least Hinata had the same level of confusion. Meanwhile, Tsukishima and Yamaguchi shared a devilish snicker. 

“It’s a list of all of the bands you’re going up against next week,” Yachi explained, pulling out her laptop and setting it on a nearby amp. “It also includes their known songs, their audience reception, and their overall success when it comes to similar festivals.”

Yamaguchi let out a low whistle. “Wow, Yachi-san. Thank you for all of your hard work.”

Tobio raised an eyebrow towards Tsukishima. He returned it with a death glare and a middle finger that tucked itself away the moment Yamaguchi turned back to him. 

“Oh it’s nothing, really!” Yachi continued. She pulled up a few more photos before facing the group once more. “Those aren’t the bands I’m super worried about though. In recent years, the judges at the competition generally go for the younger bands who are on the cusp of breaking into the industry. So the people we really need to be worried about are them…”

She revealed her screen to show off a young group styled similarly to Year One. Tobio could recognize the drummer as Bokuto and one of the guitarists as Akaashi, but the other two feline bandmates were only vaguely familiar. There was a certain level of professionalism to them; as if they were already aware what their presence could do. 

“Cats & Owls,” Tsukishima commented. 

“Look! It’s Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san and Kuroo and Kenma!” Hinata cheered, pointing towards the screen. Right. Hinata’s childhood best friends just happened to be among some of the best musicians in the nation. 

“They’re currently projected to win,” Yachi explained, turning the laptop back to herself. “But nothing’s a guaranteed victory considering there’s another young band in the mix.”  
  
She turned her laptop once more only to have Tobio groan at the sight. Oikawa, flocked by Iwaizumi, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki, all posed for the camera with an air of regality, done up in majestic attire to fit their kingly name. 

“ _Reyes,_ ” Tobio huffed. 

Yachi nodded solemnly. “I’ve heard rumors that they’ve expanded their group. I’m not sure what that means as far as their performance goes but it’s something to keep in mind.”  
  
“Well it’s simple, right?” Hinata interjected. “All we have to do is win, no matter who we’re up against!”

Tobio nodded, tucking his shaking hands behind his back. They could… no they _would_ win. They could do it. It didn’t matter who they went up against. It didn’t matter who Oikawa decided to drag in to play. It didn’t matter that they were facing Hinata’s childhood friends.

Tobio looked around their little studio as Tsukishima went off on Hinata for his honest opinions while Yamaguchi laughed along and Yachi attempted to mediate. With this team, this impenetrable group of people, nothing else really mattered.

“This is ridiculous,” Tsukishima huffed, ending the arguing, “Shouldn’t we get back to work?”

“Who are you and what have you done with the real Tsukishima?” Hinata answered back immediately, pointing a finger at Tsukishima. He rolled his eyes while Yamaguchi lit up. 

“If I’m part of this band, the least we could do is be somewhat productive,” Tsukishima complained but there was a sort of airiness in his tone that wouldn’t have even been possible six months ago. “Might as well attempt to figure out why the introduction sounds as awful as it does."

“I still think it’s the progression,” Yamaguchi piped in. 

“It’s the bass line,” Hinata complained. But as soon as the words left his mouth, a devilish grin passed over him. “Yachi-san!” He called. 

Yachi paused putting her things away, fear already appearing in her eyes. “Umm…”

“Why don’t you try playing it on the piano?” Hinata suggested, tilting his head towards the studio-provided keyboard at the back of the room. “It’ll be helpful for all of us to listen to the song together!”

Yachi immediately began to shake her head and hands in tandem. “Oh you don’t want me doing that, that’s definitely not what you need. I’m not even good at playing! Like I’m sure you’re all so much better at the piano than I am and who even needs the piano anyways? It’s totally a dumb instrument and I hate performing, espeically in front of people who don’t know what I can do and yeah I think it’s a bad idea.”

“Oh come on, Yachi-san!” Hinata tried once more, grabbing Yachi by the hand and physically dragging her to the piano. “Tsukishima and Yamaguchi have already heard you play lots and I promise Kageyama won’t yell at you!”

Tobio sent him a glare but Hinata didn’t pick it up. Tobio defiantly crossed his arms, trying his best not to pout at even the insinuation. Of course he wouldn’t yell at Yachi, he only went off on untalented people like Hinata who couldn’t manage to play a basic scale sometimes. 

Yachi scanned the room and cautiously sat behind the piano. “Are you sure?” She asked, hands already resting on the keys. 

Hinata nodded along. Yamaguchi gave her a thumbs up while Tsukishima ignored the situation completely which was probably the nicest thing he could do for her. Hinata handed over the sheet music and stepped back. 

Yachi looked over it for a moment. She lifted her small hands to hover over the keys, playing out the notes in the air before finally beginning. 

It was small at first, unsure. Like Yachi was playing for the first time in years. But she gained confidence with each note and bar, her hands expertly flying over the piano. It was sweet and sad, the perfect melody to encapture all of the hearts of Year One. 

And when she reached the end of the song, she started again from the beginning, this time changing the flow of the song. She sped it up slightly and messed around with how the entire thing progressed. If Tobio didn’t know any better, he could have sworn it was straight magic. 

His hands instinctively reached for his guitar, joining in at the chorus. Yachi’s focus didn’t break in the slightest. Instead, a small, slight smile spread as the guitar and piano paired together. 

Hinata came in next, somehow managing to adjust to the small corrections of the song. The additional guitar sent Tobio’s heart into cartwheels. The way he so easily joined in, blending into the melody with near perfect accuracy. Not to mention the absolute sunshine that flashed whenever Hinata decided to play.

Holy shit, Tobio was in love. 

Yamaguchi added in soon after, giving the song some much needed structure. He provided the calm, steady beat for Tsukishima to lastly come in with the bass line to tie everything together. The instruments weaved together, creating a song that Tobio couldn’t describe as anything but beautiful. 

And then Hinata began to sing. The voice of an angel that was the absolute cherry on top. The lyrics, the lovechild of Hinata’s affection and Tsukishima’s hidden emotions, provided a unique pairing of love and sorrow and guilt and longing that Tobio couldn’t get enough of. 

This… this was Year One. 

\---

With the final strum of Kageyama’s guitar, the song came to a resonant end. 

Shouyou let out a breath of pure freedom, looking around to gauge the feelings of his fellow bandmates. Kageyama was completely warped into the session, his stupid, coy grin already present. Meanwhile, Yamaguchi was beaming at Tsukishima while the latter attempted to hide his positive emotions about their progress.

Yachi was breathing heavily, evidently affected by the power of the song. She sort of ardently stood up, giving Shouyou a look that said _what just happened??_

“Yachi-san, that was amazing!” Shouyou cheered. “You have to play with us at the festival!”  
  
Yachi’s eyes managed to go even wider. “Huh? _Me?_ You’re joking right? You have to be joking, Hinata please tell me you’re joking. You don’t actually want me playing, do you?”

“I’m 100% serious!” Shouyou affirmed. He turned towards the rest of the band, hoping they were thinking along the same line. 

Kageyama and Tsukishima mirrored nods before turning towards one another in disdain. Yamaguchi filled in. 

“I think the song is much better with the addition of the piano,” he offered. “Seriously, Yachi-san. You should join!”

It took only a little bit more convincing in the form of confidence boosting and slight begging on Shouyou’s part in order to get a reluctant yes. It only seemed fitting that Yachi should join them on stage; after all, she was a huge part of why the group formed initially. Shouyou couldn’t even remember all of the times Yachi taught him music theory and aided in his general understanding of what music even was. She was an integral part of the band too in Shouyou’s opinion. 

The rehearsal ended soon after, something nagging at the back of Shouyou’s brain to remind him of how little time they had left until their next performance. The nervousness and fear that accompanied him back in the Summer had faded for genuine excitement to take its place. With how much preparation they’d done, Shouyou was certain in his band’s ability to win. 

As they ducked out of the studio, Shouyou reached out to slip his hand into Kageyama’s. He stiffened initially, still unsure of Shouyou’s constant need for physical affection even after all these months. But eventually Kageyama squeezed back as he turned his head away to block the onslaught of blush. 

From ahead, Yamaguchi waved goodbye as he headed toward the train station with Tsukishima. While Tsukishima had already adorned his headphones, Yamaguchi gave them a small yet sad smile as he noticed their proximity. Shouyou could almost call it jealousy. 

Yachi said her own goodbyes, still a little starstruck at the concept she would be performing. While the rest of them had months of practice and previous onstage experience to back them up, Yachi would be facing it all for the first time. Shouyou was certain Yachi possessed the skills, it was only a matter of her overcoming stage fright in order to actually show that to everyone else though…

“Hinata Shouyou.”

Shouyou snapped his focus back to the real world as Kageyama withdrew from his side and stepped in front of him, essentially cutting off his exit path. 

Before Shouyou could question what was going on, Kageyama threw himself into a formal bow, angled way beneath Shouyou. 

“Please go out with me!” He shouted, certainly loud enough to scare the neighbors. 

Shouyou’s thoughts halted in place. “I thought we were going out?”

And while Shouyou couldn’t see Kageyama’s face from this angle, he could only imagine his trembling lips and nervous eyes. When he rose, his assessments were only proven correct. 

“We are,” Kageyama confirmed, “but I mean go out on a real date with me. Where we get dressed up and go to a nice restaurant and do what you’re supposed to do on dates. If we’re dating, we need to go on dates. That’s how that works. Right?”  
  
Shouyou let out a little bit of a groan. Although the prospect of seeing Kageyama in a suit was enticing, he hated the idea of sitting in some chichi restaurant, bound by social stigmatization and the wandering eyes of snooty adults. And besides, what did they even serve at restaurants like that? Why would Shouyou pay so much money for food he didn’t even know or like?

He stepped forward and laced his hands through Kageyama’s once again. Now he was unable to turn away and Shouyou could see as the blush took over his entire face in the most endearing way possible. 

“Is that what you want?” Shouyou questioned.

Kageyama pouted. “I want to go out with you. For real. So yes.”  
  
Shouyou considered this for a moment but ultimately threw out the poorly-strung logic. He decided the best way to get his point across was with a tiny peck on the lips. And even if he struggled to even reach Kageyama, it didn’t matter. It got the job done when Shouyou pulled away to see Kageyama a bumbling mess from the smallest of affections. 

“I don’t care about what’s supposed to be ‘real’. I just wanna be with you, YamaYama-kun!” Shouyou giggled. “I’d much rather play guitar with you or go to an arcade or something! Doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun?”  
  
“Yeah, but…” Kageyama pulled Shouyou in a little closer. “I… I want us to have a relationship. A solid one. I… I don’t want to lose you.”  
  
“I don’t want to lose you either.”

That seemed to quell whatever fears were bubbling in Kageyama’s mind. He bent down and kissed Shouyou, this time keeping the distance between them practically nonexistent. It was still sweet, like a promise that they wouldn’t lose one another. 

Kageyama pulled back. “Fine. Can I at least call you my boyfriend then?”

Shouyou’s eyes bulged owlishly. “You mean to tell me we weren’t already boyfriends?”

“Yes you dumbass, you have to be clear about this kind of thing!”  
  
“Well then yes we’re boyfriends now, take it or leave it!” 

He pressed another quick kiss to Kageyama’s lips before skipping off, dragging Kageyama behind him. He should have known he was at the disadvantage though as Kageyama didn’t hold back in scooping him up in one swift motion. They twirled around, yelling stupid obscenities between bouts of laughs. Even though they were just two dumb teenage boys in the middle of Tokyo, it felt like the entire world consisted of just them. 

And while it was nothing by Kageyama’s standards, to Hinata it was the best date he could have ever asked for. 

\---

“Happy birthday!”

Kei nearly shut the door right then and there but Yamaguchi slid through the opening before he had the chance. In his hands was a tiny strawberry shortcake, decorated with fresh fruit and a small birthday message. 

Kei took the cake away, managing a, “Thank you,” in response. Yamaguchi beamed back at him. 

“Can’t believe it’s your birthday already,” Yamaguchi said as he followed Kei into the kitchen. He dropped off the cake and grabbed Yamaguchi a box of apple juice like nothing had changed at all over the last few years they were friends. 

“Then we have the festival next week and then exams and then before we know it, it’ll be my birthday,” Yamaguchi continued. “Better start thinking of present ideas now.”  
  
“I’d rather not encourage such attention-seeking behavior,” Kei joked back, grabbing himself some strawberry milk. He would never let Kageyama onto the fact he quite enjoyed milk lest he hear some rant about the subject (seriously, that guy needed an intervention or something). 

Yamaguchi laughed lightly before taking a seat at the kitchen counter. “Speaking of presents…” He dug around in his backpack before producing a poorly-wrapped gift that was suspiciously in the shape of a mini-guitar. 

Kei eyed the gift before returning his gaze back to Yamaguchi. He cheekily smiled back. 

“I told you not to get me anything,” Kei said, taking a sip of his milk. 

Year after year, Kei would remind Yamaguchi that he didn’t actually need anything for his birthday. At first, Yamaguchi had listened (mostly). He still managed to give Kei a small trinket for the first of Kei’s birthdays that they celebrated together. But over time, Kei’s insistence that he didn’t need anything was met head-on with Yamaguchi’s desire to give. As a result, the gifts became more personalized and elaborate. One year he even managed to get Kei a mini telescope that even now sat near his window. They would spend hours staring up at the stars but a part of Kei always found a little more pleasure in looking at the awestruck reactions of Yamaguchi. 

Wait… 

What. 

_What._

Kei took another hasty sip of his milk, filing that realization under things he would repress for a little bit longer. 

“Yeah, well, you deserve a gift,” Yamaguchi said back, pushing the gift a little closer towards Kei. “But that’s not the only thing I got you.”

“Oh?”

“Yup! Kageyama and Hinata have agreed to not contact you all day long in exchange for not getting you a present. I think that’s best for everyone though if I’m being honest.”

Kei let out the smallest of laughs, amused at how well Yamaguchi knew him. “Thank you.”

“Okay, okay, now open your real gift,” Yamaguchi encouraged. 

Kei indulged him in the most annoying way he could think of. He peeled off the layers of the wrapping paper piece by piece until Yamaguchi’s smile faded into a bored expression that screamed _really?_

After meticulously removing the last piece, Kei gingerly picked up the gift. It was a ukulele, dwarfed by the size of his hands. There was nothing particularly special about it at first glance, just light colored wood and strings that needed to be tuned. But as Kei flipped it over, he audibly sucked in a breath. 

Along the backside was an intricately engraved galaxy complete with what could have been a billion stars and a crescent moon to watch over it all. Kei ran his fingers along the divots, amazed at their fine detail and precision. He even let out a, “Wow…”, unable to contain his visible shock. 

He looked up at Yamaguchi. He was making that same expression like he did whenever they would go stargazing— big, excited eyes and upturned brows and a never-fading smile. He was making this expression at _Kei_ of all things. 

Kei quickly looked back down at the ukulele. “Thank you,” he said softly, voice definitely _not_ cracking. 

“Of course, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi laughed. “Now you can add ukulele to your repertoire. Kageyama will be jealous for sure.”  
  
Kei wanted to laugh along at the joke but he was still taken aback by the way Yamaguchi looked. The way his nose crinkled and his full cheeks and his freckles. _God_ his freckles.

“Tsukki, are you alright?” Yamaguchi asked, leaning in a little closer. 

Fuck.

Kei stepped back, attempting to regain his composure by clearing his throat and staying the hell away from Yamaguchi. Why was he reacting like this? This was just Yamaguchi after all. They’d known each other for years so why now all of the sudden was Kei’s heart undergoing major palpitations? Why did he feel sweaty and gross and why for the love of _god_ did he actually want to get closer?

“I’m fine,” Kei stated. 

He wasn’t. 

“Okay… Do you want to cut into the cake? Or we can wait until the rest of your family gets home, whichever you prefer.”

Kei waved it off. “My parents are both working late tonight and Akiteru’s back at school right now.”

“WHAT?” Yamaguchi nearly screeched. “You mean to tell me you were about to spend your birthday alone?”  
  
“I don’t see what the big deal is.”  
  
Yamaguchi hopped off his stool and grabbed the cake. “It’s your birthday, of course it’s a big deal.” He dug around through the kitchen cabinets before eventually producing a single candle and a lighter. “No best friend of mine is going to spend his birthday by himself. So I’m sticking around and you can’t stop me!”

 _I don’t want to stop you,_ Kei thought to himself, quickly followed by another, _WHAT._

Yamaguchi stuck the candle in and lit it. Kei watched the flame carefully as it precariously danced above the cake. 

Yamaguchi managed his best rendition of singing which was… bad to put it nicely. It was a good thing that Hinata was the lead singer and not Yamaguchi. Regardless, he got through the song with joy overflowing until he let out the long, off-key ending note. 

“Make a wish, Tsukki!” He cheered. 

Kei pressed his lips together. There was a lot he _could_ wish for. World peace. An A in English. Enough money to quit his job. 

But, at the end of the day, there was only one thing on his mind as he blew out the candle.

“What did you wish for?’ Yamaguchi asked as he retrieved some plates and a knife. 

“Aren’t you the one who says it’s bad luck to reveal your wish?” Tsukki asked as he pushed the cake in Yamaguchi’s direction. He cut it up into pieces and served Kei a bigger portion than he did himself. 

“Yeah, but I’m still a little curious,” Yamaguchi hummed. “Come on, please?”

Kei shook his head. “I don’t make the rules.”  
  
Yamaguchi gave up and took a bite of his cake, relishing at the taste even though Kei already knew he wasn’t one for many sweets. 

Kei smiled. 

_I wish I could be with you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session nineteen: Sorrow
> 
> follow me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/copyrightings_)


	19. Sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wdym its almost been a month since ive updated yoink uhhh sorry I may or may not have written another fic that u can go check out lol
> 
> anyways back to tsukki being a dramatic little bitch ❤️
> 
> in all seriousness tho, I genuinely appreciate all of the love this series has gotten its overwhelming and amazing and tysm ❤️❤️✨✨🥺🥺

“They’re not coming, are they?”

It was a stark realization. One that sent a direct pang of agony to Tobio’s chest. Suddenly, he was a thirteen-year-old boy once again, lost in a crowd of fast-talking adults who didn’t give a shit about a boy with a guitar but no bandmates to follow him on stage. The fear that encased him then creeped up, etching its way from the pit of Tobio’s stomach towards his closing throat and rising headache. 

As the various band members, managers, and other extras swirled around him, Tobio found himself losing all sense of direction. Was the ground even beneath his feet? Or was he simply floating between people, bumping into strangers with no sense of remorse? 

He wished they would look him in the eye and regard him but instead the strangers passed by and went about their own lives. Some part of him required the need to be acknowledged, to be known. Why couldn’t anyone give that to him? Was he really that unworthy of recognition?

Tobio was alone. Completely and utterly alone. There wasn’t anyone to back him up, there wasn’t anyone to provide support, there wasn’t anyone here to save the day. It was just Tobio. A tyrant king separated from the rest of his peasant servants. They couldn’t aid him. They couldn’t do anything. 

Tobio was alone, alone, alone, alone, al—

There was the pressure of something on his arm. Small and slight, wrapping around until Tobio could distinguish that it was a tiny hand. Its grip tightened, grounding Tobio enough to turn his head and regard the looming presence at his side. 

The sun shone back at him in the form of one Hinata Shouyou. 

He didn’t question if Tobio was okay. He didn’t ask if he could be there in the first place. He didn’t do anything but stand and hold his arm and remain there. 

Hinata was warm. 

The warmth spread from Tobio’s arm through his shoulder, expanding through his chest and down to his feet. The ground was beneath him, steady. 

Tobio took in a shuddery breath. Hinata was beside him. Hinata would always be beside him. 

“They’ll show up,” Hinata assured in a small voice only meant for Tobio to hear. 

Tobio nodded. It was all he could manage to do. 

“See, look,” Hinata pointed towards the back door where Yachi was stumbling through the small crowd, giving apologies and bows as she knocked people over. 

“I’M SO SORRY,” she shouted to them, forcing herself into another low bow. Her voice—or rather her entire body—was trembling. Tobio suspected it was a combination of fear and the cold; her hair and clothes were sopping wet. 

“Yachi-san, it’s okay,” Hinata said. 

Yachi shook her head. “It’s not! I just got super scared so I was freaking out at home and then I realized that it was time to leave but I missed the first train and then the second train was super packed and I missed my stop and there was just so many people and the rain made everything worse but I ran here and I’m so, so sorry that I’m late.”

“Yachi-san, it’s fine,” Hinata assured, placing his other hand on Yachi’s shoulder so she would rise to face them. “You’re here now, that’s all that matters.”

“But they aren’t,” Tobio said, shocked to hear his own voice come out. 

Hinata bit his lip. “They’ll be here. Come on, have a little trust. They won’t disappoint.”

Tobio had been broken down before. He didn’t want to feel that way ever again. But Hinata was there, and he was reassuring and calm and certain, enough for the two of them. 

“Okay.”

\---

“Tsukki, come on!” 

Even in their feeble attempt to push through the swarming crowd of pedestrians, Kei and Yamaguchi were making awful time. It didn’t help that every few moments Yamaguchi would suddenly disappear under the crowd of black umbrellas only to reappear much further down amidst the growing number of people. 

The rain seemed to shut down the entire city. Their normal train line was powered off, leaving Kei and Tadashi to run to the stage in a horrible attempt to arrive before their performance time. Kei absently wondered if every performance would be preceded by some inexplicable disaster. 

Still, they maneuvered through the growing crowd but as the moments drew on, a rising hesitation sat on the tip of Kei’s tongue. 

Kei had no reason to be reluctant. And yet he was, biting his lip as Yamaguchi dipped out of sight once again. He didn’t dare call out lest someone see just how desperate he actually was. But Yamaguchi kept moving forward. He’d always been ahead. He will always be ahead. 

Kei stopped. 

The crowd flowed around him, following the trickle of the rainwater down the sloping sidewalk. Kei tilted his head back to the sky for a moment and allowed the fat drops to collect along the grooves of his face. They battered against his glasses like he was looking out the window of some terrarium. Clouds swirled above them, overcasting the entire city in misty gradients of grey. It was like all of Tokyo was drowning in sorrow. 

“Tsukki?” Yamaguchi’s voice was so small and concerned. 

Kei peered down to catch the worried expression, but kept his face towards the gloomy clouds. A terrifying crack of thunder echoes through the atmosphere. 

“What the hell am I doing?” It was rhetorical and stupid but Kei asked it anyways. He didn’t know why. 

Yamaguchi sighed. “You’re going to catch a cold, that’s what you’re doing. Now come on.” He gripped Kei’s wrist and pulled him forward. “We have a show to perform, and we can’t go on without you.”

For a moment, Kei thought he was back in middle school. Getting dragged by Yamaguchi through the winding streets after his brother shattered his entire worldview. The difference was, back then Yamaguchi was so terrified to do anything. Even when Kei needed him, Yamaguchi was reluctant. Why was he so scared?

At least that had changed. Now, as Yamaguchi pulled him through the crowd by the firm grip on his wrist, there was a fortitude in his actions. A confidence that wasn’t just a wave, but an entire movement. 

They pushed through the last bouts of the crowd. Yamaguchi suddenly took off, but was careful to keep pulling Kei along. 

How long had it been like this? Where Yamaguchi had to literally be the one to motivate Kei to move? He was the one to get him to continue music in the first place. Without Yamaguchi, none of this would have been possible. 

They rounded the corner and Kei pulled back. Yamaguchi stopped as Kei heaved over, regaining a bit of his breath. 

“Are you okay?” Yamaguchi asked, bending down to check in on Kei. “We’re almost there so we should keep moving.”

Kei straightened his position and Yamaguchi followed suit. The rain continued to pelt down; it was no use seeking shelter now.

“When did you get to be so cool?” Kei asked suddenly. 

Yamaguchi’s eyebrows shot up. “Huh?”

Kei finally allowed himself to look at Yamaguchi. It was something he’d been restraining from since his birthday; he didn’t want another realization to surface unexpectedly. But now he permitted himself to stare and take in the splatter of freckles along his nose and the surprised expression he wore so well. 

“When did you get so cool?” Kei repeated. 

Yamaguchi squared his jaw. “Tsukki, if this is another one of your _‘I’m so pathetic’_ moments, then stop it. You’re not pathetic. Or well, you won’t be pathetic as long as we make it to the stage within the next ten minutes.”

“My patheticness and your coolness have no correlation,” Kei emphasized. 

“Ah… just… whatever. You’re not pathetic. Now come _on._ ”

“Say you’re cool.”

Kei watched as the words registered in Yamaguchi’s mind as his expression warped into complete confusion as he stared up at Kei. 

“No—I… no, _no,_ we’re super late and we need to get going. Plus it’s cold and wet so we should really just go.” Yamaguchi tried to pull Kei again, but he wouldn’t budge. 

A wry smile slipped onto his face. “Say you’re cool.”

Yamaguchi furrowed his brows. He was rather adorable like that. 

_The FUCK?_

This was why Kei couldn’t look at Yamaguchi too long. Shit like that came up and took hold over all of Kei’s reasoning. 

Yamaguchi sighed and straightened his back. “I’m cool. Are you happy?”

“I’m never happy.” Kei’s slight and growing smile said otherwise. “Once more.”

“I’m cool now let’s _go._ ”

They started up again at a light jog. As they neared the stage, they slowed down a bit for the sake of Kei’s nonexistent stamina. 

“What were you even thinking back there?” Yamaguchi asked, still holding onto Kei’s wrist. He could have let go a long time ago but Kei didn’t make any attempts to pry away. 

“When?” Kei asked back. 

Yamaguchi ran his free hand through his hair, poorly shaking out the collecting water drops. “You were looking up at the sky and it… scared me. I was just wondering what was going through your mind.”

Kei pressed his lips together. What was he thinking? He certainly could remember what must have been fear rooted on to his crumbled wall, perching on the edge as it threatened to take over. He could also feel a warmth of some sort that squashed the fear, but Kei still didn’t have a label for that feeling—the one he got when Yamaguchi did… well anything really. 

“I was scared,” Kei admitted. “Reluctant.”

Yamaguchi nodded, like he understood. “You shouldn’t have to feel like that though. After all, everything that happened in the past doesn't matter anymore. You know that, right?”

Kei did. Or at least, he knew it but maybe wasn’t quite as cognizant as Yamaguchi. There might have been a lot of things that Yamaguchi was fully aware of but Kei had little recognition of. That could be why their relationship worked as it did. 

They turned another corner and found the backstage door. People were milling outside, covered under umbrellas and a tiny awning. They gave strange looks as Yamaguchi and Kei silently moved inside. 

Yamaguchi let go. 

They found the rest of their bandmates in little time. It looked like Yachi had also been caught in the storm whereas Hinata seemed strangely calm. Kageyama, on the other hand, went off the moment Tadashi and Kei were in view. 

“Where were you guys?” He barked at them, ripping himself away from Hinata. 

Yamaguchi put his hands up in defense. “The train lines are all messed up so we had to run. How much time until we go on?”

“About thirty minutes,” Yachi answered. “There’s a practice space we can use to warm up.”

“Hold on,” Kageyama said, quieting the band. He turned his furious gaze back towards Kei and Tadashi. Kei was expecting some sort of shout or grievance but instead Kageyama huffed out, “Thank you.”

Kei and Tadashi exchanged glances. 

“Never thought I would live to see the day that His Highness, _Kageyama Tobio_ said thank you to a group of peasants like us,” Kei teased, fully aware that it would get on Kageyama’s nerves.

But he didn’t lash out. He released a steady breath and gave them a bow. _A bow._

“I never thought I would have a band I could rely on again,” Kageyama admitted. “But you came. And I’m… grateful.”

Even Tadashi was dumbstruck and at a loss for words. Who the hell was this guy?

From behind Kageyama, Hinata was beaming. It was disgusting. 

“I’m grateful too!” Yachi squeaked in. “I never thought I would be playing on a stage like this and even though I’m like super, super scared I think I’m actually excited? Which I’m never excited like this so it's weird and different but I like it and I can’t wait and I think we should warm up because I am shivering a little bit and we should be in top shape when we perform and yeah, thank you all for the great experience so far let’s do our best!”

Hinata and Yamaguchi laughed at the response. Kei found himself smiling, which he quickly ditched when he realized what he was doing. 

Kei _guessed_ he was grateful to the rest of them. He owed everything to Yamaguchi, of course, but the rest of Year One had affected him in some small, teeny, tiny way. Maybe. Probably not now that Kei thought about it. 

But then again, Kei wouldn’t be here without them (despite the fact that he would never admit it). 

Maybe, just _maybe,_ Year One was actually a good thing. 

\---

“Ready?” Shouyou asked, smiling unbearably big and bright. 

Tsukishima answered, “No,” while the rest of Year One responded in their own variations of, “Yes.” 

Admittedly, they weren’t the most cohesive group. Shouyou had passed by other bands where every member was wearing matching uniforms or at least had costumes that _somewhat_ resembled one another. Year One was a mismatched group of teens, half of whom were still slightly damp from the rain. They all looked completely different, and thought differently, and approached life differently. But Shouyou sort of considered that their unique strength. They were all bonded together by something as universal as music; was there anything truly better than that?

Shouyou bounced a little in his shoes. Even from behind the curtain, he could feel the thrumming energy of the audience. The stage was much larger than their last performance, the perfect venue to debut the new Year One. 

Shouyou was happy. 

A stagehand gave them the signal. Shouyou gave Kageyama an excited look, which he returned with his own firm gaze. They could do this.

They took their respective positions. Yachi was trembling off to the left side of the stage, but there was still a sort of excitement in her actions. Kageyama and Tsukishima were to his right, adjusting their last bit of tuning. And of course, Yamaguchi was positioned at the back to support them all. 

They made their final adjustments and waited for the curtain to rise. 

Unlike their first performance, Shouyou could now truly soak in what it was like to be on stage. He still had a difficult time seeing the audience under the blinding stage lights, but at least he could welcome their presence instead of being frightened by their stares. 

Shouyou wrapped one hand around the microphone. “Hi there! We’re Year One!” He was about to add on, but the audience cut him off with a round of applause. It made him smile even more. “And this is _A Winter’s Story_.”

Yamaguchi tapped them in and the five of them took off into the song. Shouyou’s voice didn’t warrant the same kind of reaction of shock and wonder; instead, the audience cheers like it was confirming their suspicions. 

Everything went by a lot smoother than their debut. The song was clean and precise and, at its end, Shouyou didn’t run off the stage to kiss his boyfriend. Instead, they jumped straight into an instrumental piece that was the loving combination of Kageyama’s and Yamaguchi’s work. They cycled through their carefully crafted set list to carefully build up the audience’s energy for their newest song. Shouyou could feel himself divulging in the crowd’s exultation. As they held the note for their final instrumental piece, his radiant smile was a permanent addition.

Right before they were about to play, Shouyou made eye contact with Tsukishima. Surprisingly, it seemed like he was enjoying himself. And they weren’t even at the best part yet. 

Shouyou somehow grinned even wider and faced the audience. “Okay, for our last song, we’ll be performing another original piece!” The crowd cheered at that. They always seemed to cheer, no matter what Shouyou really said. “And it’s the writing partnership none other than myself and our bassist, Tsukishima. Let’s go!”

Yamaguchi stumbled into his tap off while Tsukishima set more than just daggers from across the stage, he sent straight up machetes. Didn’t matter though. The world needed to recognize how Tsukishima truly felt—how they all truly felt. Even though these were his words originally, they had come to represent all of them. The struggles they’d gone through over the last year. The changes and strange realizations. The odd connection formed through a bunch of lonely people. The world needed to know the truth. 

Kageyama and Tsukishima began their parts, weaving together a beautiful melody that sank itself into every crevice of the building. Yachi added in, providing a sort of synth sound to distinguish this song from the rest of everything they’d done. Shouyou filled in the gaps with his own guitar part while Yamaguchi continued to hammer out the perfect beat to keep everything balanced. 

Harmony, in its own right.

_“Sorrow.”_

Tsukishima’s vocals were something they had to talk about for _weeks._ He wasn’t the greatest singer in the world, but the addition of a deeper voice added something striking to contrast against Shouyou. So what if a small bit of blackmail was involved? Tsukishima had come up with some of the lyrics in the first place, it was only right that he aided in telling them to the world.

Shouyou readied himself for his own singing part. This song, after all, was a collaboration. The sun, even in eclipse, couldn’t always hide behind the moon. 

Shouyou inched closer to the mic, licked his lips, and began to sing. 

_“Gently tell me a lie,_

_This reality is so cruel.”_

\---

Tadashi’s brain was firing off with a million different questions, the vast majority of which consisted of poor vocabulary like _huh?_ and _wha?_ Luckily, the drum part for this song was practically ingrained to his soul. He could probably do the whole thing with his eyes closed, given how many times he’d run through the song. In practice, out, on the train, in class, practically any moment he could, Tadashi would try to play his part. 

He was painfully aware of the talent gap between himself and his bandmates. Practice, and lots of it, was one of the few things he could do to close the distance. So much practice to the point where he didn’t need to think about what his hands were doing as they flew over the drumset. 

Instead, Tadashi’s mind was becoming increasingly occupied with questions and thoughts and feelings as these lyrics he knew so well took on a completely different meaning. After all, these were the thoughts of Tsukki. 

_“I’ll dance drunk_

_Until I can forget everything.”_

Had Tsukki drunk before? Did he even dance? What could he be trying to forget?

Tadashi pushed the useless analyses out of his mind. It was no use trying to understand the intricacies of Tsukki’s mind at a time like this. Instead, he focused on the outline of Tsukki’s body in front of him. With the stage lights cutting off all view of what lay beyond their band, Tsukki’s figure was bathed in light. He was simply a lean, dark figure out of Tadashi’s reach. 

Tadashi sucked in a breath and checked the tempo against his own internal thrumming. He was keeping good time. It wasn’t even shaky, despite how much Tadashi feared his hands were trembling. He supposed his improvements were finally materializing. 

_“I’ll just keep laughing…”_

A slanted grin hooked itself onto Tadashi's lips. 

\---

Kei would have liked to choose how his internal doubts and weaknesses would be exposed to the world; accordingly, he would have preferred if they hadn’t been revealed in the first place. But they were already a verse deep into the song and there wasn’t much to do about it now. Afterwards though, he was planning a million different ways he could kill Hinata. 

_“Why don’t you come back to me?”_

Kei didn’t particularly like the sound of his voice. He found it rather grating and his pronunciations were somewhat atrocious. And yet here he was, singing in front of a group of strangers in the hopes of releasing some of his emotions. 

These small phrases that repeated throughout the song were wholly from Kei. The words had appeared in his mind one day paired with the feeling of emptiness. That emotion was indescribable, but the desire for something or someone was impenetrable.

_“Inevitable pain._

_We can share it together.”_

The fragmented, incomplete feeling that lingered inside of Kei was nothing new. It was simply something he neglected. But it was present when he coined some of these lyrics years ago and it remained even now as he sang on stage. 

_“‘Cause I know you’re lonely like me.”_

Kei nearly could have fooled himself into thinking he wasn’t aware of who these lyrics were for. 

But his naïveté was wearing thin and the truth he’d been seeking for so long was finally facing him. Or rather, was supporting him from behind. Not only was the listener a man that walked ahead, but he was also the man that always had his back. A reassuring presence no matter where Kei turned. Even drowning in his own doubts and fears, he was a hand to pull Kei along when he had nowhere else to go. 

And yet, the crushing barrier of loneliness and sorrow clouded over Kei to the point where he couldn’t recognize that someone was listening in the first place. 

He was seriously the luckiest bastard in the world. 

_“This sorrow has stuck._

_Can you erase it?”_

\---

Hitoka relaxed a bit between the chorus and the second verse but even that small respite did little to quell her nerves. She’d played at tons of orchestra shows before, sure, but there was such a difference between playing on some uptown stage versus an actual performance hall that she wasn’t even sure she could compare the two experiences. 

_“Sorrow.”_

Unlike the rest of the band— _her_ band—she had such little time to prepare. Hitoka’s skills were so subpar that it was almost humorous she was here in the first place. But looking out over the stage, there was also a strange sense of belonging that resonated in her chest. Almost like her nervous energy was actually being used for something good. 

_“Flowing friends,_

_Born only in the cycle of life and death.”_

Hitoka steadied her breathing. She could do this. 

_“An endless journey proceeds until the night breaks._

_So I clench my jaw and wait.”_

\---

Keiji was seldom thoroughly enthralled by first impressions. More often than not, the second meeting with someone only served to prove his initial concerns and doubts correct. The third time only functioned as the final nail in the coffin. 

However, Year One was a distinct outlier. As a group, this was only Keiji’s second time viewing them and his original fears were drowned out by the expert playing of the guitar and sonorous voices of the singers. Even Tsukishima, who Keiji had never even considered to potentially be a singer, was proving him totally wrong. 

_“Why don’t you come back to me?”_

“Fuck,” Kuroo whistled out, only loud enough for the rest of their band to hear. His expletive was a perfect assessment. If Cats & Owls was facing competition as talented as this, they were certain to be fucked. 

Around them, the audience was completely enraptured by the performance. Somehow Year One had gotten everyone under their spell. Even Bokuto and Kuroo were fascinated with the show; they mirrored expressions of total intrigue. 

_“Let’s have a little pleasure._

_We can share it together.”_

“It’s happening,” Boktuo commented in a low voice, golden eyes locked on stage right where Tsukishima was positioned. Even from this far back, Keiji could tell something was different in the way he carried himself. Whatever he’d gone through over the last few months had evidently paid off, as now Tsukishima played like he was the most emotional person in the world. 

Frankly, even Keiji himself felt somewhat enchanted. Tsukishima was seriously talented; Keiji suspected he’d always been this way, now he’s simply gained the freedom to act upon it. He might have been changing right in front of their very eyes. 

_“‘Cause I know you’re lonely like me.”_

“It's his moment,” Bokuto smiled, welling with pride. “And it’s because of him.”

He pointed to the back of the stage, where the drummer was encapsulated in his own world. Keiji’s knowledge of percussion only came by proxy from Bokuto, but even he could see the skill of the drummer. His tempo was perfect, as was his control. The way he expertly moved around the drumset must have been the result of endless hours of practice. He, too, had a gleam in his eye that seemed to draw the audience in. 

_“These overflowing thoughts,_

_I’ll tell you everything.”_

Hinata, their other guitarist, and the new pianist weren’t anyone to neglect either. Keiji was already aware of how monstrously gifted Hinata was; his voice was simply something you couldn’t learn. It was given. Opposingly, the guitarist and the pianist exhibited their hard-worked talent like it took them little effort in the first place. 

All together, they were a force to be reckoned with.

_“Sorrow.”_

Keiji almost cursed aloud himself, but restrained from it. _Fuck_ was completely right. 

\---

_“Everytime we feel as one,_

_Sometimes we feel as one.”_

Tooru’s fingernails sunk into his thumb as the bridge of the song washed over him. 

What happened over the last few months? Was this the same song that required Kageyama to seek out help from Tooru of all people? Was this even the same little kid he saw perform all those years ago?

Even from their last performance, he could barely recognize the now five teens gathered on stage. And despite the fact he was simply viewing them from the wings of the stage, he could clearly see how much they were affecting the entire audience. They were incredible. 

_“In a modest life, I can love you.”_

Tooru let out a breath. He wouldn’t be upstaged by them. He _couldn’t._ He had too much riding on his own performance. He wasn’t ready to lose his bandmates and say goodbye to this part of his life. If he had just worked a little harder, put in more work—

Iwaizumi’s hand slipped into Tooru’s. He didn’t dare meet Tooru’s questioning gaze, he simply squeezed his hand like he knew all the rampant thoughts that were shuffling around in Tooru’s mind. Because of _course_ Iwaizumi knew. He always knew. 

_“Everytime we feel as one,_

_Sometimes we feel as one.”_

While this song initially appeared similar to their debut single, in reality Tooru could see how starkly different the two were. The shrimp’s performance alone was enough to convince Tooru that they were on their way to making vast changes. 

Before, the sorrow that resonated with the audience was one of loss and pain, insurmountable pain that made Tooru’s heart ache in tandem with the band. But now, the sorrow echoing through the hall was of longing and love. It should have been a contradictory mess to hope for love and to suffer under its cruel hand, and yet the combination was executed well. The sorrow still rang true and Tooru found himself scooting closer to Iwaizumi. 

After all, he was well aware of what that longing process was like. 

_“Everything you came to believe in…_

_I’ll let him go.”_

Hinata held out the note, voice raw and emotional as Kageyama picked up with the guitar. The bassist turned towards the back of the stage, singing out his own lyrics with a sort of unbelievable force. 

_“You always stay in my mind…”_

\---

_“What does this even mean?” Hinata pouted, letting his chin drop onto the table._

_Kei snatched his sheet of paper back to examine his scraggly thoughts he tried to pass off as lyrics_ . _Songwriting sessions in the middle of some café weren’t an ideal way to spend a Saturday, especially when said cowriting partner was Hinata of all people, but some part of Kei knew the extra time was necessary. The mandatory rehearsals simply wouldn’t cut it anymore considering everything they had to accomplish._

_He nearly gagged at the thought._

_“What do you think it means?” Kei asked back in lieu of a real answer. Truth was he didn’t have a reason for lyrics like this; or at least that’s what he convinced himself._

_“Well obviously you’re trying to connect with someone or something,” Hinata began, “but I still don’t understand everything you want to say. I thought you were trying to write a love song?”_

_“When did I ever say that?”_

_Hinata groaned and ruffled his hands through his hair. “Can’t our song be happy and loving? This is all so depressing.”_

_“It’s sorrowful,” Kei huffed. Why was he even getting defensive in the first place? It wasn’t like he was an expert on interpreting emotions and understanding his own mindset._

_“Sorrow or not, we have a lot of work to do,” Hinata said. He snatched the paper back, eyes glossing over the scattered thoughts. “What is the point of the song? We should at least figure that out.”_

_Kei pressed his lips into a firm line. He didn’t have an answer. Or maybe he did, and some small part of him didn’t want to acknowledge how he actually felt out of some ridiculous fear. Question was, what did Kei actually fear?_

_Rejection? Connection? Proximity? Emotion?_

_\---_

_“I want to stay in your mind.”_

Kei wasn’t hiding anymore. He wasn’t even facing the audience. He was singing the lyrics directly at the person they were made for, even if he was too engorged in his own playing to notice Kei. 

_“Why don’t you come back to me?”_

Or stay at his side in general. Never leave because Kei didn’t know if he could survive in a world where there wasn’t someone around him with a goofy grin and a cute snicker. 

_Forget about everything else,_ is what Kei wanted to sing. _Focus on me._

It was selfish, but Kei was never known for his generosity. He wasn’t known for his veracity either he supposed, but now the only option he had left was to be completely truthful with himself and the recipient of his lyrics. 

_“This is a wonderful world._

_We can share it together.”_

Kei wanted nothing more than to be dragged along by the wrist and be shown everything amazing that he was unaware of. He would open up. He would keep music in his life. 

He would feel this sorrow. He would feel everything. He _wanted_ to experience it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, and the everything in between. He could smile or laugh or cry or scream or do _whatever the fuck he wanted_ as long as someone was along with him for the ride. 

_“‘Cause I know you’re lonely like me.”_

Or at least Kei hoped so. Isn’t that why they’ve been together for so long? To find some sort of solace in one another?

How horrible to hope that someone was also lonely though. Maybe Kei didn’t deserve anybody after all. Maybe he was destined to only hold this intense sadness in his heart for the rest of his life. He wasn’t made for somebody else. And he sure wasn’t living for someone else either. 

_“And with this heart of sadness,_

_We’ll live through it together.”_

The last part of music washed over Kei along with his self-destructive thoughts. 

As he strummed out the last notes on the bass and the song was beginning to end, Yamaguchi finally looked up from his drumset. If he noticed Kei was staring directly at him, he didn’t show it. 

He simply smiled for the whole world to see. 

And with Kageyama’s final stroke, the song resonated throughout the audience as they finally ended. Kei’s heaving breaths were drowned out by the roaring of the crowd. They were shuffled offstage as the curtains drew closed and the next band made their way on. 

Kei’s legs moved against his will as they returned to the green room area in their own secluded corner, separated from most of the other bands and their stranded instruments. His mind was still in that happy, adrenaline-induced buzz he got so rarely that he barely even recognized the feeling. His whole body was thrumming with energy and emotion. _God_ the overwhelming joy he had right now. 

Kageyama, Hinata, and Yachi quickly disregarded their items to rush back to the stage in order to see the next band perform. Kei placed his bass back into its case, highly aware of Yamaguchi standing behind him. He was always behind Kei, reassuring and faithful. 

_Click._

Oh. 

There it was. 

The word Kei had been looking for all this time. 

Kei stopped. Stood. Turned. Faced Yamaguchi for what felt like the first time in years. He was giving him that same look he always did, only now Kei could actually distinguish what those big eyes and upturned brows and slightly ajar lips could mean. 

“I love you,” Kei said, the words leaving him before he could think more about what they actually meant. “You know that, right?”

Yamaguchi’s expression warped. He took a step back, eyes desperately searching over Kei for the truth. He even shook his head a little as fear evidently bloomed. 

“Shut up, Tsukki.”

\---

“What?” Tsukki said, voice barely above a whisper. His normally unreadable expressions and fortitude of emotional ambivalence had been completely shed. For the first time since they became friends, Tadashi didn’t have to ponder as to what Tsukki was feeling. It was gut-wrenchingly obvious. It was fear. 

“Shut up, Tsukki,” Tadashi repeated, clenching his fists at his sides. 

Tsukki’s gaze dropped. “Sorry, Yamaguchi.”

Everything, _everything,_ from the last few years of their relationship was rising, spilling over in the form of tears collecting in Tadashi’s eyes. No matter how much he hated crying, he couldn’t keep the onslaught of tears that wet his cheeks. This moment, after all, was inevitable. 

“You… you don’t know how fucking long I’ve waited to say that to you,” Tadashi cried.

Tsukki lifted his head but Tadashi wasn’t near finished. 

“You don’t know how long I’ve spent trying to concoct some perfect message just so I could tell you how much I love you because I love you so, _so_ much that it pains me sometimes and it’s scary thinking about it because all I want to do is be by your side and grow up with you and never let you go because I love you.

“And it might sound stupid or a lot, because it is a lot, but it’s the truth and I’m so tired of pretending otherwise. When I saw you, staring up at the fireworks and the stars during the Tanabata festival, I was just so overwhelmed with love because you looked so at peace and happy and all I want is for you to be happy. And after everything with Akiteru, I was terrified you weren’t going to be happy again. But then again, you shouldn’t get too down on yourself because you’re not pathetic and you should realize how amazing you are and how I love every part of you, even the parts that are less amazing because they’re still you.”

The tears were dribbling fast now down Tadashi’s cheeks. He honestly didn’t care though because his mind was so consumed with his best friend standing right in front of him, staring at Tadashi like he was the stars in the sky. 

“Why would you even say that to me though? Now I can’t tell you everything I’ve wanted to say and do you know how terrified I was for this very moment? Actually, until now I was _convinced_ you were going to reject me because I couldn’t let myself imagine a world where you and I could be happy together. God, can you even begin to imagine how much I love you?” 

“I can,” Tsukki answered softly, gaze melting and gentle. “Because I’m pretty sure I love you more.”

Tadashi bloomed into a beautiful red, not even attempting to hide how he felt. “You can’t say things like that!” He argued back, wiping at his oncoming tears. “God can’t you just kiss me already?”

Tsukki laughed, tears prodding at his eyes as well. He closed the distance between them, cupped Tadashi’s chin, and delicately connected their lips together like it was the simplest action in the world. Fireworks didn’t burst and butterflies didn't swarm. Instead, a wave of serenity passed over Tadashi, the only thought in his mind being _yes._

The world could have been crashing down around them, but Tadashi wouldn’t have noticed. He was confined to the space that no longer existed between him and Tsukishima. 

They were the two protagonists of some eternal love story, destined to collide on a simple rainy Saturday afternoon. They remained there, in their own personal infinite universe, as the rest of the world crashed down around them. 

And at last, Tadashi was truly, _genuinely,_ undoubtedly happy. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> session twenty: Hated by Life Itself
> 
> follow me on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/copyrightings_)


	20. Hated by Life Itself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all I gotta say is tskym supremacy 
> 
> also this chap is a little diff from the others so I hope u dont mind too much ok thanks and enjoy!!!

In the haste to end their performance, Tobio almost didn’t notice the next band mounting the stage.  _ Almost.  _ But he could hear their amped-up music echo throughout the hall as he put his guitar back in his case. 

And it dawned on him then, as the band began to tune and prepare for their performance. It struck Tobio with all the years-old pent-up fear he thought he’d lost along the way. Whatever drama was happening elsewhere in the world didn’t matter anymore. All it took was for Tobio to glance in Hinata’s direction with an undeniable panicked expression, and he  _ knew.  _ They both did. 

“Is that…” Hinata’s voice fell flat as the first notes on the piano pulsed through the hall, warbled from the distance and roar of the crowd. 

Tobio nodded.

They dropped their items and dashed back towards the stage, Yachi tagging close behind. 

Tobio wanted so desperately to neglect the presence of the piano and the steadied drum beat as they clawed their way to the wings. He wanted to forget the familiar sound of a Gretsch G5222 beginning to reverberate through the performance hall. Most of all, he wanted to drown out the soothing voice that began to sing. 

_ “Don’t ever say that you want to drop. _

_ Live through your whole _

_ life without giving up.” _

Tobio, Hinata, and Yachi finally reached the stage wings, utilizing the latter’s cute presence and small height to maneuver their way to the front. The small crowd of crew members and performers were already sucked in. 

It wasn’t like Tobio needed to see in order to know. He could feel the music in his veins after all, pulling him towards the stage with an undeniable sense of nostalgia. 

_ “How stupid of us it is to say songs _

_ like that speak the whole truth.” _

“Oh wow,” Hinata breathed out beside him. Yachi, in opposition, sucked in her breath. They were natural responses to hearing Oikawa’s perfected voice. The way he drew in everyone around him, including his own band members, to make them sound better. They were a cohesive unit; six warm bodies on a stage who sounded like actual experts in their playing. 

_ “In all honesty, I couldn’t _

_ care a bit if I died. _

_ But I’d be kind of upset _

_ if the ones I love did.” _

Tobio finally allowed himself to regard the stage and let the horribly familiar sight wash over him. Oikawa was at the front, smiling into the microphone as his voice carried over the audience. He was, however, surprisingly without his guitar. That could only mean he trusted his band enough to focus only on his vocals. Maybe it was worth it. His voice had improved by leagues since the last time Tobio had heard it. 

_ “I wouldn’t like to see _

_ that happen to my friends. _

_ My ego tells me so.” _

Behind him was Iwaizumi keeping an incredibly fast beat. Each hit resonated a sense of belonging on that stage; an undeniable presence that was practically being earned before Tobio’s very eyes. 

On one of Oikawa’s sides, Hanamaki and Matsukawa were playing off of each other’s energies. They’d been partners for years now and played an intertwined bass/guitar combination that was crafted out of legends. Not to mention, Hanamaki’s backup vocals were the perfect addition to Oikawa’s already powerful voice.

All together, it simply reminded Tobio of being completely and utterly awestruck in his adolescence. 

_ “I won’t care if someone _

_ I don’t know will die or not. _

_ Hating other people _

_ seemingly is fashion now.” _

On the far side of the stage were the two faces Tobio didn’t want to acknowledge in the first place. But Kunimi and Kindaichi were there, rightfully showing off why they deserved to be a part of  _ Reyes.  _ Because the undeniable fact was they  _ did  _ deserve to be there. Kindaichi’s guitar skills were technical and precise, each note succinct and beautiful. In a way, it was somewhat reminiscent of Tobio’s own playing. 

Kunimi, on the other hand, was utilizing his best skills. His years of piano lessons prior to learning bass guitar were being exhibited for all to see. His lack of interest couldn’t be understated but his talent was irrefutable. 

_ “But for all of us to live _

_ peacefully together? _

_ How wonderful oh, that would be.” _

Were they always like this? Did they always have these incredible talents? Had they just been invisible to Tobio all this time?  Or were they the direct result of casting out Tobio like he was a piece of scum? Did their past actions lead them here? Or could they have been like this all along?

_ “Yet another person on the _

_ other side of a screen dies. _

_ Lamenting over a gloomy song _

_ that someone else cries.” _

Tobio couldn’t stop staring at Kunimi and Kindaichi. Who  _ were  _ they? These two confident, wonderful players so in tune with their band surely couldn’t be the boys that left Tobio alone on stage. No way they were the ones who disregarded his pleading voicemails and hurried text messages. It simply was impossible they were the cowards who decided that not playing at all was better than playing with Tobio. Right? They couldn’t be those boys. And this wasn’t the stage uptown where they left him behind. They surely didn’t decide to freely play, only without Tobio. No… right? __

_ “Then here comes the little _

_ boy who’s been persuaded. _

_ Knife in hand, and he’s gone now!” _

Hinata laced his hand through Tobio’s. He was shaking, slightly, surely overwhelmed from the lyrics and the performance and the… well,  _ everything. _

_ Reyes  _ was a cruel band, after all. High and mighty with their crafted weapons of mass destruction. A pointed lyric here, a perfect tempo there, and a set of melodies so impactful they could decapitate a man in seconds flat. They ruled the stage with a sword in hand, ready to strike.

All Tobio could do was watch and wait and relish in the fact that Hinata was beside him. 

Somehow that final thought alone was enough to give Tobio the peace of mind he so desperately craved. The solid understanding that he had not only Hinata, but also Yachi, Yamaguchi, and even Tsukishima beside him let Tobio keep his grounding even as  _ Reyes  _ continued on. 

\---

_ “Every single one of us _

_ is hated by life itself. _

_ Pushing forward all our _

_ values and egos by yourself.” _

Once, when Tooru was young, he tried to kill himself. 

It was a fact few knew. His father, his sister, Makki, Mattsun, and pretty much everyone else Tooru interacted with had no clue he even attempted such an action in the first place. The only four people in the whole world aware of the entire situation were Tooru, his mother, Iwaizumi, and his mother. 

They carried this little secret like a burden, all unfortunate enough to know the depths of Tooru’s solemnity. And when Tooru sang lyrics like these, only they could understand what they meant. It was selfish to force them to carry this weight, but Tooru didn’t know how else to move forward. 

_ “We so very simply broadcast _

_ over the radio waves, _

_ Songs about how we want _

_ to kill someone else.” _

On the day it happened, Iwaizumi shouted loud enough for the hospital attendants to nearly remove him from the room. Tooru insisted he stay though, and they reluctantly watched as Iwaizumi climbed into his bed and refused to leave his side. They stayed like that for hours as Tooru tried to cry, but couldn't, and while Iwaizumi attempted to stop his crying, only for his efforts to be in vain. 

They were only 15.

Or, well, Iwaizumi was 15. Tooru’s birthday was still a few days away. But they had already celebrated their birthdays together, like they had ever since Tooru could remember, so in his mind he was the young age of 15 when he decided to take his own life. 

Iwaizumi screamed at him. Out of anger for considering the action in the first place. Out of fear of losing his best friend. Out of whatever else emotion was buried deep, deep down. Tooru had never seen him get so worked up over something. Then again, Tooru hadn’t ever tried to kill himself before… 

_ “Every single one of us _

_ is hated by life itself. _

_ All of us who easily say _

_ that we just want to die.” _

It was a call for help. Tooru had been drowning in his own thoughts and insecurities for years now, and they had somehow manifested in the form of a small, gifted child. At least Tooru took the anger out on himself. He couldn’t imagine what would have happened if he’d done anything towards that kid. 

Iwaizumi didn’t see the situation in the same light though. He claimed that Tooru needed to develop a coping mechanism so this sort of anger and self-loathing wouldn’t fester in the first place. That his intense emotions needed to go towards something positive and genuine; that his hatred for those around him be turned into gratitude and acceptance. 

_ “And all those who look _

_ at life so carelessly, _

_ All of us are despised _

_ by life itself.” _

He’d gotten much better in the years since. High school proved to be exactly what he needed for rehabilitation. His band served as that outlet to express those atrocious pent-up emotions in order for Tooru to control everything in his life. And Iwaizumi… 

And Iwaizumi, just like he had for the entirety of Tooru’s life, served as his rock. His solid, unwavering foundation. His home to return to when all else was lost. 

_ “Once again I’m left without a penny. _

_ So I’ll sing songs that will _

_ not make me feel so much pity.” _

Tooru was seriously the luckiest person in the world. He was born into this world with someone to complete him; an obstinate fixture that Tooru didn’t even know he needed. Nevertheless, he didn’t have to go through life on his own. 

Because the truth was, Tooru couldn’t remember a life without Iwaizumi in it. He was always there; dauntless and determined and free. And even when he wasn’t there physically, he was there in spirit with his drumsticks left in Tooru’s room or the names of bugs he'd ingrained into Tooru's mind when they were little. He was the constant  voice of reason guiding him in the right direction. Iwaizumi had been there all along. 

So why did Tooru think it would be different for Iwaizumi? Isn’t that why he yelled so adamantly upon seeing Tooru’s near dead body lying in the thin sheets of some hospital bed? 

_ “I still have no idea what _

_ is the point of life. _

_ So I guess that life is _

_ pointless and I take a breath.” _

Tooru never… he never considered that Iwaizumi would lose him too. 

It was like Tooru had been wading through a river. The wave would come and pull him under, make him feel as if there was no one by his side. Under the water, Tooru was alone in this cruel, cruel world. 

But then a hand grabbed him by the shirt and pulled him up, revealing a beautiful spring overflowing with life. Iwaizumi was there, to remind him what really mattered, and show him there was  _ so much more  _ to be living for. 

_ “Can I use the phrase _

_ ‘That I’m so lonely’ _

_ to express the distress that has _

_ caused me so much damn pain?” _

It made Tooru wonder though, if not for Iwaizumi, would he have survived in the first place? Would he even have a reason for going on? 

And that terrified Tooru to his very core. Because who else in this world was born with their soulmate by their side? Even Iwaizumi had to exist for 40 days on his own; Tooru never had to experience that loneliness. 

And yet,  _ he did.  _ There wasn’t a reason for his depression, and yet he still felt it. He never understood why, not really, since the relapse of overwhelming negativity would still hit him at the seemingly most random times. All he could do in those instances was hold on tight and hope that someone would pull him from the water once more. 

_ “All I have is determination, _

_ yet I stay alone, _

_ sleeping in my own bed.” _

Iwaizumi was more than a gift sent by the gods; he was a blessing, an angel, a protector. Too much for Tooru, honestly. What warranted him the unique honor of being in the presence of one as great as Iwaizumi Hajime? 

Iwaizumi though, the beautiful bastard he was, thought it was the other way around. 

_ “All of us who started life as a youth, _

_ Will one day start to _

_ change into a young adult.” _

On the day he confessed, Iwaizumi told him so. It was long after Tooru’s incident at a time when romance seemed trite and unattainable. But Iwaizumi held Tooru’s hands so softly in his own and told Tooru in a hushed voice that  _ he  _ was the lucky one for knowing Tooru. The absurd thought made Tooru burst into laughter, which only landed him a punch to the gut and a rather rude nickname. 

Regardless, Tooru accepted Iwaizumi’s feelings because he didn’t know a world where he wouldn’t. Even in those messed-up universes where Tooru might have been captured by aliens or Iwaizumi turned into some giant monster, surely the two of them managed to find each other. 

There didn’t exist a Hajime without a Tooru or a Tooru without a Hajime. 

_ “We’ll grow old and rot _

_ like leaves as a result. _

_ No one in the whole world _

_ will know that we even lived.” _

Life, to Tooru, was fleeting and trivial. He wanted to matter, but he feared existing in the first place. To be perceived by those around him and understood by something inaccurate or false. 

He tried, and tried, and tried, and for what? He could spend every moment of every day working towards some unattainable goal and what would result? Would that bring him happiness? Would it bring him security or recognition?

No. 

Of course not. 

Because Tooru already had those things. 

_ “With the ability to _

_ live for an eternity. _

_ Living our whole lives _

_ out without ever dying.” _

Tooru let himself bask in the hot, multicolored lights, a feeling of warm nostalgia pooling at the pit of his stomach. He’d been performing for years, sure, but there was something sentimental about being on stage. He loved it, after all. It was a place where he felt completely and utterly free. 

The drum beat struck him suddenly, full and precise like it always was. Tooru felt a wry smile begin to form. It didn’t matter what anyone else in the whole world thought, Iwaizumi was  _ the _ best drummer in Oikawa’s opinion. Supportive, solid, and completely on beat? Seriously, what more could a guy ask for. 

_ “All of this is just my SF daydreaming. _

_ And once again, I couldn’t _

_ care less if I die.” _

There was also Makki and Mattsun on his side, their music inseparable in the sort of the best way possible. Years of friendship and band work had proven their worth beyond a shadow of a doubt. Off-stage, they were probably the strangest guys around but the seriousness that encapsulated their bodies the moment they stepped onto stage was priceless. 

Maybe one day Tooru would tell them the whole truth. They deserved to know, after all. They were there for him with a joke and a laugh even when they were unaware of everything. 

Or maybe they did know. Maybe they were just being nice about it and waiting for Tooru because that’s the type of wonderful people they were. 

_ “But all the people who love _

_ me have to say otherwise.” _

And then, there was Kindaichi and Kunimi. Their newest and youngest additions. 

They, too, knew what it was like to regret something so deeply it caused irreparable pain. They might have been the ones to leave Kageyama alone on that stage, but that only meant they had to live with the guilt that came from their foolish actions. They were forced to look at themselves in the mirror and stare back at a person known for abandoning people in their times of agony. 

_ “Living through my life with _

_ such contradictions on my back. _

_ I think I might get attacked.” _

A part of Tooru knew he was cruel for recruiting them. He didn’t mind. 

In a strange sort of way, he considered their addition to be a sort of redemption. They could prove to the world, and to themselves, that they weren’t the same poor children who neglected their friend. After all, didn’t they all deserve a second chance?

_ “The objects that were made _

_ ‘right’, have always been ‘right’. _

_ If you don’t want to die, _

_ then why don’t you survive?” _

Tooru was lucky enough to get a second chance. He may not have been born lucky with a guitar in his hands and a voice from the gods, since all of his luck was saved to give him another chance at life. 

If his mother had come home just an hour later, he wouldn’t have been so lucky. But she didn’t, and Tooru was gifted the opportunity to keep living on. 

He would take this chance, this life, and prove that he deserved it. 

_ “It’s fine that we are all _

_ going to end up depressed so, _

_ You gotta laugh it off alone right?” _

He had friends and family and bandmates and classmates and Iwaizumi there for him. He didn’t need to be another tragedy despite its fatal temptation. 

He could move on. 

_ “Every single one of us _

_ is hated by life itself. _

_ None of us can understand _

_ joy by ourselves.” _

Tooru took in the view of the audience. Mouths agape and eyes firm, they were all entranced by his performance. And while they didn’t know his story or truth, maybe he could help them out. 

Even if there weren’t winners and losers, Tooru could smile at the implication of success. The outcome, after all, was just a result of the process. And Tooru knew for a fact that the stronger the band, the better the result. 

He had a community around him, after all. How else would he be here today?

_ “We all hate the hand that _

_ life went ahead and gave us, _

_ Yet all we do is curse _

_ our own damn pasts.” _

Tooru wrapped his hand around the microphone and tilted the stand forward. He leaned with it, pouring the entirety of his soul into every single vowel and consonant. 

He was going to leave everything on this stage, no matter the consequences. It was the least he could do to pay respect to the art form that let him thrive. 

_ “Every single one of us _

_ is hated by life itself. _

_ Those who use the word ‘goodbye’ _

_ more often than they should.” _

Tooru flicked his gaze back to Iwaizumi. He was powerful in every hit and yet so delicate in his excessive care. His playing was like everything else he did in his life: strong, steady, and perfectly crafted to aid Tooru. 

Iwaizumi raised his eyes for the smallest fraction of a moment. He gave him that rare smile of unbridled joy that he should really show off more. But then again, a part of Tooru was content keeping it all to himself. 

Tooru grinned back at him with that big idiotic smile he always had before facing the audience once more. He revelled in his small, stretching moment of infinite happiness. 

_ “Those who don’t understand the _

_ meaning of a true goodbye. _

_ All of us are despised _

_ by life itself.” _

\---

_ Tobio plucked a few more strings, the noise harsh and uneven to his relatively untrained ears. Across the studio, Oikawa analyzed him by mirroring his own hands. Tobio tried again, the notes somewhat flowing along until the tricky fingering on a chord caught him off guard.  _

_ “Tobio-chan, do you want to perform?” Oikawa bluntly asked, cutting off the final part of Tobio's playing. While they’d only known each other for a few months, Tobio could pick up on the exasperation and hidden anger in his tone and facial expression. He might not have been very good at seeing someone’s emotions, but even Oikawa’s facade faded enough for Tobio to see.  _

_ “Yes,” Tobio replied.  _

_ “Why?” The question wasn’t grating or harsh. Inquisitive, rather; like Oikawa was genuinely fascinated by Tobio of all people.  _

_ Tobio dropped his hands from his guitar. “Because I want to.” _

_ “There isn’t some big, emotional reason? Not a huge revelation that led you to the decision that being on stage was the best thing in the world?” _

_ Tobio shook his head. Oikawa sank further into his seat. _

_ Iwaizumi stepped into the room and looked over the odd scene before letting his wandering eyes rest on Oikawa. “What are you doing?” He asked pointedly.  _

_ Oikawa gestured towards Tobio. “I’m helping my kouhai learn to play better.” _

_ “You’re not nice enough to help freely.” _

_ “Rude, Iwa-chan!” _

_ Iwaizumi ignored him and turned to Tobio. He dropped into a low squat so that he had to look up to Tobio. “Can I see your progress?” _

_ Tobio nodded and repositioned his hands on his guitar. It still felt too big to him _ _ —like he didn’t quite deserve it yet. His grandfather had given it to him for his 10th birthday and Tobio had been steadily improving ever since.  _

_ His hands were still growing. Maybe one day he’d be able to play any note he wanted but for now his range was limited to whatever his chubby fingers could reach.  _

_ Tobio played the same melody as before, barely managing to land the positioning of the chord. His confidence rose with each successful strum, until he finished his sequence with little errors to show.  _

_ He lifted his gaze to see Iwaizumi seemingly pleased while Oikawa continued to stare. He stood, crossed the room, and came to squat alongside Iwaizumi.  _

_ “Tobio-chan, I’m going to give you a little advice,” Oikawa said slowly. “So don’t say I never did anything for you. But no matter how good your playing is, it won’t matter unless you can perform well. You could be the best guitar player in the entire world, but people wouldn’t care unless you can show it on stage. Got that?” _

_ “Y-yes,” Tobio stuttered out. He watched as Tooru rose and went to gather his items.  _

_ Iwaizumi followed after him. “I can’t tell if you’re being nice or spiteful right now,” he admitted, similarly watching Oikawa’s every move with careful eyes.  _

_ Oikawa turned back towards them with a wave of… something passing over him. Tobio couldn’t recognize it. He shrugged, not bothering to offer any other words of advice or criticism. Iwaizumi seemed suspicious.  _

_ But Tobio replayed the words that Oikawa said to him over and over again, wondering how a performance could truly make a difference. He’d seen some incredible musicians, sure, but did the presentation matter that much? _

\---

_ “Enjoyment, _

_ Our farewells, _

_ Affection, _

_ And friendship. _

_ They are all things that _

_ one can buy with money.” _

Tobio had grown since middle school. 

He glanced down at his left hand. There were calluses on his fingertips, the result of his years of playing. His fingernails were short and carefully filed down to not cause interference. The chubby fingers that once prevented him from playing how he pleased had grown into elegant, long digits capable of producing any sound he wanted on the guitar. At what point had he become like this?

_ “Within jokes that were _

_ made by our dumb dreams. _

_ Can’t you see that I’ll _

_ soon cease to exist now?” _

Tobio shifted his gaze to his right hand. Hinata was still latched on, now leaning into the side of Tobio’s body. He was completely enthralled by  _ Reyes,  _ body pulsing with the beat as he leaned forward with every hit. The melody washed over him, the filtered stage lights casting beams in his hair and across his face. 

As an impressionable middle schooler, Tobio couldn’t see it. The vast importance of being recognized on stage. He’d been a victim to it; sucked in by Hinata to the point where he didn’t even consider how others may have viewed himself. He’d forgotten the one lesson that Oikawa had taught. 

_ “Everything we’ve done seems _

_ to have been pointless now.” _

Maybe that was the difference between them. 

Talent was something that had bloomed out of Tobio the moment he first gripped a guitar. It was something he saw Hinata lean into, pouring his heart out in that little staircase at your run-of-the-mill metropolitan Tokyo high school. It was something even Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and Yachi utilized as they formed Year One. 

_ “The sun falls, _

_ The moon falls, _

_ The rain falls. _

_ The leaves fall.” _

But instinct? That was something Oikawa and the rest of  _ Reyes _ had polished. 

Even Kunimi and Kindaichi were more refined than they could have ever been Tobio. In a strange way, they all needed to grow. If not for their absence, Tobio would have never ended up meeting Hinata or forming his band.

_ “A never ending cycle, _

_ someone else already died.” _

Not that Tobio would ever admit that, of course. The pain of that memory was still dull and constant, but a thousand other instances overwhelmed him with happier thoughts. He understood now why it had to happen, even if he lamented over the results. 

But seeing Kunimi and Kindachi up there made Tobio realize that it was  _ okay  _ to move on. He could hold that pain close to his chest, but accept that it was time to go forward. 

_ “I don’t need _

_ Any dreams _

_ Or my own tomorrow.” _

Tobio had no idea what the future had in store for him. Outside the doors to this uptown performance hall, there were a million things Tobio could set his mind on. 

_ “If you have lived your own life _

_ then that’s all I really need.” _

All Tobio knew was that he would keep Hinata by his side. 

_ “That’s right. _

_ That’s really, _

_ What I’ve wanted to sing about!” _

Tobio let himself be pulled into the soft lyricism of the song. Every line brought forth some sort of profound emotion that Tobio desperately wanted to know the meaning of. It also vaguely made him wonder if he could ever do something like this. 

_ “Every single one of us _

_ is hated by life itself. _

_ We’ll all be gone in the end anyway.” _

Hinata tugged on the sleeve of his jumper. Tobio met his gaze, pleasantly surprised to see him smiling back. It was close-lipped and sweet with those big doe eyes, but ultimately was  _ understanding.  _ But, god, was it loving. 

_ “Yeah you will too, _

_ Even I will, _

_ One day all of us will _

_ decay like fallen leaves.” _

They had a long journey to go. 

_ “Yet even still, all of us _

_ continue to live in fear. _

_ Here we are protecting our _

_ lives, we’ll still live in fear.” _

In tandem, they turned back towards the stage. 

_ “Murdering, _

_ Struggling, _

_ Chuckling, _

_ I’m maintaining.” _

Tobio let out a breath. He’d be alright. They’d be alright. 

This, too, was part of moving forward. 

_ “Living _

_ Living _

_ Living _

_ Living _

_ Living on.” _

Oikawa sustained the last note as Hanamaki continued to provide the backup vocals. The music continued, building until only the piano and drums remained. The song ended quietly, but before it could even begin to fade out, the crowd was roaring back with its approval. 

Oikawa flashed them all his trademark smile, turning only to give something more genuine to his bandmates. And then, for a brief moment, he regarded Tobio on the side. 

He nodded, before facing the crowd with his placated vigor. “We like to call that little song  _ Hated by Life Itself.  _ Did you like it?”

The crowd cheered back with applause and screams so loud they nearly shook the building. Oikawa laughed, the light noise echoing through the mic. 

_ He was born to be on stage _ , Tobio absentmindedly thought. 

“Kageyama, are you okay?” Yachi asked from beside him. “Do you need a tissue?”   
  
Tobio took his free hand and pressed it against his cheeks. Sure enough, his fingertips came back wet and salty. 

“I’m fine,” he assured.  _ Reyes  _ readjusted a few things before bouncing back into another song. The music washed over him, purifying and clean. “We should probably head back. I think I’ve seen enough.”

Hinata squeezed his hand tight. “Don’t you get all sad on me, Yama-Yama-kun!”

Tobio briefly considered pushing him away and never speaking to him again, but instead he squeezed his hand back even harder. Hinata writhed a little under the pressure, but kept his gaze firm. 

“I’m not sad,” he stated. “I’m… ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come find me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/copyrightings_)
> 
> session twenty-one: All I Wanted


	21. All I Wanted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we gettin close to the end here, fellas 
> 
> thank u for ur support and enjoy!

As _Reyes_ finished up the last of their set, Shouyou, Kageyama, and Yachi wandered back to the green room area. Most of the straggling performers and other crew members had filed out, surely too wrapped up with Oikawa’s voice to do much else. 

Something about that show was just… 

Shouyou didn’t even have the words to express it. Maybe _gwah_ or _bwah_ or _ahh!_ Something along those lines of utter incoherence. 

Regardless, he felt privileged to see it. It only made his ravenous hunger to perform burn even deeper. 

As they approached their own secluded area, Shouyou nearly had to step back and run away. Instinctively, he hid behind Kageyama because what lay before his very eyes terrified him to his core. He was unsure if anything else in this world could even _compare_ to the atrocity before him. 

Tsukishima was _smiling._

It wasn’t that sly smirk he’d give when they did something idiotic or even the grin he saved solely for Yamaguchi and would give him when he assumed no one was watching. No, this was much, much worse. All big eyes and white teeth and a sort of soft aura that made Shouyou seriously question if this monster was even Tsukishima in the first place. 

He was sitting pressed against Yamaguchi along the wall, their knees propped up and leaning on one another. Yamaguchi was smiling too, but that wasn’t anything revolutionary. Tsukishima, however, was looking at Yamaguchi with his new smile and Shouyou started looking for the nearest exit.

They were talking in low voices, hushed whispers of laughs passing between them like air. It felt like Shouyou was intruding on something quaint and private despite the two of them were out for the world to see. 

Even Kageyama paused to assess the situation before turning towards Shouyou with an expression that justly read _what the fuck?_ They both turned towards Yachi, who appeared equally distraught and confused. 

“Um… hi?” Yachi tried, taking a step back before Tsukishima could retaliate. But instead of a heinous comment or some flurry of action, he simply dropped the facade and regarded them quietly. 

“What happened?” Kageyama demanded. 

Yamaguchi cheekily peeked over at Tsukishima but mostly kept his attention forward. “Uh… nothing?”

“No, I’m pretty sure something happened,” Shouyou insisted. He couldn’t quite place his finger on it because, seriously, what in the _world_ could have happened to make Tsukishima so happy? 

“Nothing happened,” Tsukishima asserted, tone pointed. “Must you always assume the worst of us?”

Shouyou sank into a pout. He began to think of some comeback to mock Tsukishima’s argument when it dawned on him. 

_Us._

How could he be so blind? It was _literally_ right there in front of them. They were holding hands. 

_They were holding hands._

Shouyou pointed at their interlaced fingers, too excited for words. He waved to show Kageyama and Yachi, realization crawling in on their faces before it hit them all like a tidal wave. 

Tsukishima seemed to notice. He stood, outstretching the hand that was _supposed_ to be interlocked with Yamaguchi’s as a sort of defense mechanism. “No, don’t get the wrong idea—”

“DID YOU GUYS GET TOGETHER?” Shouyou shouted, before Kageyama promptly landed a hit to the back of his head as a _shut up,_ considering there was still a band on stage and the green room wasn’t exactly soundproof. 

Nevertheless, Yachi began twittering next to him and asking questions, none of which Yamaguchi or Tsukishima answered as they both began to blush furiously at even the insinuation. Yeah, Tsukishima _blushing_. Almost as scary as his smile. 

“Really, really, nothing happened!” Yamaguchi tried to persuade them into thinking otherwise, but his tone was weak and rather unconvincing. 

“I don’t believe you,” Shouyou shook his head. “Something definitely went down.”

“You don’t have to tell us though if you don’t want to!” Yachi assured, waving her hands. She gave Shouyou and Kageyama a look that read _we’re embarrassing them,_ but Shouyou pretended not to understand the silent message. Kageyama, on the other hand, flat out didn’t notice it. 

“If something happened, you should tell us,” Kageyama argued back. “We can’t have any unnecessary drama in the band.”

Tsukishima sent him a glare with the most annoyed face he could muster. “Are you seriously lecturing me about band drama right now? You’re the one who decided to make out with Hinata in the middle of a performance.”

Kageyama sputtered, “W-well at least it wasn’t in front of other people!”

“Don’t worry, no one saw us,” Tsukishima argued back, rolling his eyes. 

At that moment, all hell broke loose. 

Tsukishima feebly attempted to take back his words, but Shouyou was already yelling again and even Kageyama joined in, voicing his shock for the rest of the people backstage to hear. Yachi tried to calm them down while Yamaguchi threw his head in his hands, not strong enough to see the total mess that was his band before him. 

Shouyou knew that they’d get together but considering how emotionally constipated Tsukishima was, he genuinely didn’t expect it to happen so soon. He’d been betting it would happen around their third year of high school.

Tsukishima and Kageyama were going off hard on each other, fully chaotic and loud, until a clear voice rang out, “What is going on here?”

All the first years stopped dead in their tracks to see Kuroo and the rest of Cats & Owls approaching. They surveyed the scene with a careful eye while Bokuto stepped forward with one of his classic fist pumps accompanied by a, “Hey, hey, hey!” 

“Nothing,” the entirety of Year One said in unison. 

“That was a pretty impressive performance,” Kuroo commented. Flanked on either side of him, Kenma and Akaashi nodded in agreement. 

“Right?!” Bokuto cheered, clapping one hand onto Tsukishima’s shoulder and the other on Yamaguchi. “You guys were incredible! I totally saw your moment! Your playing was so good!”

“It’s Tsukishima,” he corrected, slipping out of Bokuto’s grasp. Yamaguchi awkwardly wriggled himself out as well. “But… thank you, Bokuto-san.”

“I’m just glad to see we have some real competition at this thing,” Bokuto said, turning his overly-affectionate attention towards Shouyou by draping his arm over him. “You guys with your cool vocals and songs and everything and that last band? They were almost _too_ good! Now I’m all pumped up to play.”

Shouyou looked up towards Bokuto. “Oh! When do you guys get to go on?”

“We’re the last ones to play,” Kenma explained with a small pout. “I’m not sure we’re worth all of that attention though…”

“Don’t think about it like that,” Kuroo teased, elbowing Kenma in the side. His eyebrows scrunched in response. “We’re projected to win after all. Saving the best for last, and all that.”

Akaashi hummed, “I don’t think it’s right to preemptively decide the winner. Who knows what will happen?”

Bokuto peeled off of Shouyou and shifted the brute weight of his body onto Akaashi. “Don’t think like that, Agkaaashii. We gotta stay positive!”

Akaashi slyly shifted off of Bokuto, “Yes, but we also need to warm up,” he said, pressing the palms of his hands onto Bokuto’s back to turn him away from Year One. “Please support us when we go on,” he told the first-years. 

“O-of course!” Kageyama sputtered. 

Kenma and Kuroo followed after Akaashi, and a protesting Bokuto, with lazy grins and feline eyes. 

From beside Shouyou, Yachi exhaled carefully and placed a shaking hand to her chest. “They’re so scary,” she heaved.

“Oh come on, Yachi-san,” Shouyou whined. “They’re so nice! How can you be scared of guys like them?”

Yachi shook her head. “Scary. Everyone here is way too scary.”

“How so?” Yamaguchi asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Yachi pressed her lips together as her hands tried to form the words she couldn’t articulate. “It’s like… well it’s sort of like you’re all…” She made one large circle and squeezed her fingers as she looked at the boys expectantly. They didn’t respond back. She sighed, “You’re all so intense and focused and driven that it’s _scary_ sometimes. It’s like… it’s almost like you’re all travelling super fast on a train that has no stops, and I’m running behind, and I want to get on, and you’re reaching out a hand, but I can never seem to grasp it and the train won’t stop, and I can never make it onboard… If that makes sense.”

Shouyou scanned her from head to toe. “Why do you feel like that?” He asked without a trace of malice in his voice. Instead, it was sort of sad. He wanted Yachi to share in their joys of accomplishments after all.

“I don’t know,” Yachi admitted. Her gaze flicked between each of them before resting back onto the floor. Her hands had dropped in front of her, and she was twiddling with them as she continued. “I want to get on board though.”

“You already are,” Kageyama said simply. 

Yachi raised her head and blinked slowly. “I… ah…” She nodded. “Maybe I am. I guess… I guess I never realized it.”

Shouyou gave her a genuine smile. “Yachi-san, of course you’ve been on board! You helped us get together in the first place. You’re a super integer part of the band!”

“You mean integral?” Tsukishima corrected. 

“Yeah, that.”

Yachi nodded again, gaining confidence bit by bit. “Thank you.”

“Yachi-san, I feel like we should be thanking you,” Yamaguchi commented. 

She laughed at that, full and bright. “Come on,” she encouraged, “let’s go see some more bands.”

\---

It was one thing to be a member of the audience and feel the collective energy from the crowd as you stood among them; it was a whole other experience to view them from the stage and feel the oppressive stares of judgement from the masses. Keiji was never particularly fond of performing; those stares, after all, bore into his being and pressed on his chest until he felt like he could no longer breathe. He wasn’t built for performing. 

Bokuto, on the other hand, was born for the role. He was tottering back and forth on his heels beside Keiji, golden eyes locked on the small sliver of audience they could see from their position on the stage wings. His apprehension about their upcoming performance was the best kind. There wasn’t a trace of fear in those determined eyes. Rather, it was the promise of the thrill; that single-minded conviction that Bokuto inhibited so well every time he even considered going on stage. 

When Keiji still had an acoustic guitar in his hands, it was that drive that allowed him to set aside his fears of being acknowledged. He followed after that determination, hoping he could catch a glimpse of what it was like inside of Bokuto’s mind. But he gained a lot more than simply understanding his thoughts. Keiji now understood his heart, too. 

“Are you ready, Agkaaashii?” Bokuto crooned, tapping his shoulder with his drumsticks. 

“Yes, Bokuto-san,” he replied, although he was ready in a different sort of manner. While Bokuto gave him a megawatt smile and bounced off to go bother Kuroo, expending his extra energy through movement and laughter, Keiji steadied his hands by twirling them at his waist. 

Him and Bokuto were probably as different as different could be. Maybe that’s why they worked so well. Keiji was still unsure despite the millions of times he tried to analyze their odd relationship. The differences, surely, should have put them at odds. Instead, it made them stronger. Bokuto’s abrasive enthusiasm should have rubbed Keiji the wrong way but instead it made him smile to watch Bokuto physically shake Kuroo around. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

Keiji looked down to see Kozume with a similar gaze locked on their fellow bandmates. “Of course,” Keiji replied. 

Kozume’s brows formed a thick line. “How do I not lose?”

Keiji returned to observing as Kuroo attempted to push Bokuto off of him. They were promptly shushed by one of the stagehands, deflating as they said their apologies. A small snort escaped Keiji, which he quickly stifled to keep his composure. 

“You won’t,” Keiji answered. “Just listen a little closer.”

For someone so observant in nearly every aspect of his life, Kozume was seemingly helpless to matters he couldn’t easily think through. 

Keiji supposed he wasn’t much better himself, seeing as it was Boktuo who first asked him out after a mere week of knowing each other. Keiji had been a stranger to relationships, and love in general, but he accepted the request in search of a mutual understanding. Despite his inexperience, his feelings flourished and soon Keiji couldn’t imagine a life without Bokuto at his side. 

It might have been strange to feel so intensely at such a young age, but Keiji didn’t mind. He wasn’t exactly the most normal person in the world, and it wasn’t like Bokuto was either. Their oddities and differences worked, did much else matter?

Kozume seemed semi-pleased with the response. He didn’t say anything else, even as the band on stage finished up their final song. The women were strong in their vocals but little else. They hopped off the stage and gave weary stares as Cats & Owls readied to take their place. 

“Love you,” Bokuto said hastily, pressing a kiss onto Keiji’s cheek before mounting the stage with outstretched arms and a wide smile. 

Keiji followed after him, silently saying it back. 

They took their positions, Kuroo at the front to woo the people with a sly grin and somewhat seductive persona. Keiji never understood the need for showing off a different version of yourself considering Kuroo was plenty appealing without a facade. In a way though, his and Bokuto’s large presences were great for filling up the holes left by Keiji and Kozume. 

The audience was stimming with that energy that only served to make Keiji’s heart beat even faster. He readjusted the strap to his guitar, going over last sound checks as Kuroo introduced them to the crowd. He licked his lips and cleared his throat. While singing wasn’t Keiji’s specialty, Bokuto’s words of encouragement over the last few months had somehow gotten them to this place. He had no idea how the reception would be, or even if his voice was worthy enough to be heard, but the soft, loving looks Keiji always received as he hummed something reassured him that it’d be alright. 

Bokuto was looking at him in the same way now, too. Only Keiji knew what it meant. 

“We’re so glad to be the closers for tonight,” Kuroo smiled into the microphone. “And we hope you enjoy everything we have to offer. Now, we’ll start it off with something a little newer.”

Kuroo flicked his gaze over to Keiji. He nodded back. 

He began the rhythm, soft and sweet with Kuroo providing the spaces in between. The song was vastly different from everything else in their repertoire; it built up over time until the emotions welled up and spilled over. The perfect thing to start their set. 

Kuroo leaned forward, his voice soft as he began to sing. 

_“Think of me when you’re out, when you’re out there.”_

Keiji kept his playing steady and certain. 

The lyrics had been something they all contributed to but ultimately were the manifested version of Kuroo’s true feelings. While Keiji had added his own inputs, Kuroo was the one to create it with a particular person in mind. 

_“I’ll beg you nice from my knees.”_

Keiji looked over the crowd. They hadn’t quite won them over yet, but that was fine. They’d prove why they deserved to close out the night.

_“And when the world treats you way too fairly.”_

Keiji let out a breath. 

_“Well it’s a shame, I’m a dream.”_

Keiji stepped towards the mic. 

_“All I wanted was you.”_

They sang in tandem, the harmony not going unnoticed by the audience. Keiji never considered his voice attractive like Kuroo’s or raw like Hinata’s, rather he considered it… pretty. Even then, that word had been placed into his mouth by Bokuto who would endlessly gush about how much he loved Keiji’s singing. 

_“All I wanted was you.”_

Kozume and Bokuto entered with the bass and the drums, respectively, striking the hearts of the crowd. The sudden burst of energy timed with a shift in the lighting caused even Keiji’s heart to do somersaults at the song. 

They’d put months of effort and careful planning into the piece, and it _showed._ While simple in its delivery, the poignancy came from the whole. Individually it may have never been able to succeed but Keiji was certain in his band’s collective power. 

His singing, unfortunately, was an indispensable part of the equation. 

He continued without Kuroo.

_“I think I’ll pace my apartment a few times_

_And fall asleep on the couch.”_

Keiji, for a moment, looked back toward Bokuto. He was looking right at him with upturned brows and slackened jaw. It was so… loving. Keiji seriously questioned how he was so lucky. 

_“Wake up early to black-and-white reruns._

_That escaped from my mouth.”_

\---

Kenma listened, _truly_ listened, to their song for the first time. He’d heard it hundreds of times before during rehearsals or when Kuro decided to hum it on the train home, but he never really listened to what it meant. He just went along with it because maybe part of him was scared to hear everything. 

But as Kuro grinned at him, not the seductive, performative grin but one built solely for Kenma, he knew. 

_“All I wanted was you._

_All I wanted was you.”_

The signs had been there for years. In stolen glances and cheeky inside jokes. There were memories and laughter and a life, an entire lifetime, only the two of them shared. But then again, there were scrapes and bruises and lost friends they shared as well. There were tears and fights and insults. There was encouragement, and comfort, and endurance. 

_“All I wanted was you._

_All I wanted was you.”_

Most of all, there was love. 

Kenma averted his focus to his playing for the instrumental break as the impending thought of _that_ sent a shock wave through his body. Of course _that_ was there. It’d been there all along. Kenma wasn’t going to lose it anytime soon. He couldn’t… 

_“I could follow you to the beginning.”_

Kuro’s and Akaashi’s vocals intertwined like a woven blanket. Perfectly snug and warm. 

_“Just to relive the start.”_

Kenma sort of let a smirk emerge. Was this how Kuro truly felt? And if so, how could he have been blind this whole time?

_“And then maybe we’d remember to slow down”_

An adolescence filled with memories that Kenma had never thought too deeply about. Not until a part of it had been lost.

Could him and Kuro truly be happy together though? What if their dynamic only worked as friends? What if Kenma, despite _everything,_ ended up losing? 

_“At all of our favorite parts.”_

Kuro tore his gaze away from the crowd, completely shedding his persona to capture Kenma’s full attention. He looked like the lost, but resolute, boy Kenma had met so many years ago. The one he’d felt like _that_ to for years. The person who he first led by the hand into that music shop where both of them fell into the rabbit hole. 

_“All I wanted was you.”_

\---

_“And this… is Kenma!” Kuro introduced. Kenma gave Akaashi and Bokuto a slight wave, and they responded back enthusiastically (or rather Bokuto did; Akaashi was kind enough to not intimidate him too much)._

_“It’s nice to meet you,” Kenma said._

_“Kenma and I have been playing together for years,” Kuro explained, “and I think that our combined talents would do well. One of the top drummers in the nation, two expertly skilled guitar players with killer vocals, and the smartest bassist in Japan? Good idea right?”_

_Akaashi nodded slightly. “I suppose, it all depends on what we want.”_

_“I wanna be the number one drummer in the world!” Bokuto chimed in. Akaashi lightly snorted at the insinuation._

_Kuro took a little more time with his answer. “I guess I want to show everyone just how great music can be.”_

_His future bandmates all turned their attention towards Kenma. He pressed his lips together. “I’m not sure,” is what he answered, because he wanted to tell the truth. And yet, something about that felt insincere…_

\---

_“All I wanted was you._

_All I wanted was you.”_

Now, it was obvious. 

It’d been there, unyielding, but Kenma could physically _see_ how much Kuro reciprocated his feelings. For a lifetime shared between music, it only made sense that they could confess like this. 

_“All I wanted was you.”_

Kenma let the music overtake him. He let himself imagine more than just the joys of youth being spent together, but an entire lifetime. He let himself imagine winning. 

_“All I wanted was you.”_

The music faded out slowly, the sustain from Akaashi’s rhythmic playing silencing the cheers of the audience. They were trapped in that last bit of music, a world perfect and free from everything else. 

Before he knew what he was doing, Kenma stomped across the stage, yanking Kuro down by the sleeve until they were on the same level. He cupped a hand to the guitarist’s ear and whispered, “Thank you.”

Kuro stood, a little taken aback, but eventually broke out into a soft smile. “Of course,” he responded, careful to not let his voice carry over the mic. 

Kenma walked back to his position, hoping his eminent blush could be blamed on the heat of the stage lights. He kept his eyes on Kuro though as he hyped up the audience once again in preparation for their next song. 

Of course, he thought of _that._ And a part of Kenma knew that Kuro was thinking _that_ too. 

\---

The more Cats & Owls played, the more Tobio was taken aback. Their first strong was perhaps their strongest, but each track proved itself worthy of being heard. The audience loved each and every minute of it, until they’d run through their set list and closed out the show with some emotional piece that made even Tobio’s fingers crave to play. 

“They’re so good,” Hinata breathed beside him as the crowd began to file out at the conclusion of the show. They headed towards the backstage door, the rest of Year One following close behind. 

“Really good,” Tobio echoed. He couldn’t quantify or even comment on their evident expertise. He just _knew_ that they were good. From Bokuto’s high tier drumming, their guitarists having impressive playing skills _and_ voices, and a bassline to carry it all through… simply breathtaking if Tobio had to comment. 

They pushed through the backstage door, showing off their performer badges before Hinata stopped dead in his tracks. Tobio stopped before they could collide, but that didn’t stop Yamaguchi from accidentally bumping into his back. 

Hinata was locked onto _Reyes._

Tobio stepped forward. “Kunimi, Kindaichi,” he called, hoping his voice didn’t tremor.

His ex-bandmates turned, ducking away from the inquisitive glares of their senpais before facing Tobio. They exchanged a glance before Kindaichi opened his mouth to say something. 

“You played well,” Tobio complimented before Kindaichi had the chance to steer the conversation. He lifted his open mouth and reexamined Tobio. “It was… a lot better than I was expecting.”

“That’s good…” Kindaichi said in a low voice. “And thank you, I mean… your band was also very good.” Kunimi nodded along. 

Tobio could feel his bandmates behind him, wanting to jump in thankfully, but Tobio was certain he could handle this. 

“Listen… Kageyama,” Kindaichi began but trailed off when he couldn’t find the right words. 

Tobio, however, knew what to say. “Thank you.”

Kindaichi began to sputter. Kunimi raised a brow, asking in a low voice, “What?”

“Thank you,” Tobio repeated. “You were right.”

Kindaichi clenched his fists. “How can you say that? How can you be so calm and collected when we—”

“I’m still not okay with it!” Tobio admitted, his voice rising to meet Kindaichi’s pointed tone. He faltered a little as Tobio continued. “I’m trying to accept it more because I know I was in the wrong. But it needed to happen. Don’t you agree?”

They avoided eye contact. 

Tobio looked past them, catching the eye of Oikawa. While Iwaizumi, Hanamaki, and Matsukawa had the decency to look away when Tobio stared, Oikawa met his gaze equally determined and fierce. 

Oikawa gave him the slightest bit of a nod before returning to his conversation with Iwaizumi. 

“I think we should still apologize,” Kunimi admitted quietly. 

Tobio clenched his jaw. “Don’t force yourself to do something you don’t want to do. Besides, don’t you think this,” he waved to Year One and _Reyes,_ “is better?”

Kindaichi didn’t have an answer. Kunimi wouldn’t give anything up. 

Tobio let out a breath. To think the two boys in front of him caused so much internal turmoil and pain for _months._ To also think they learned alongside each other, grew together, played together, and eventually hurt each other when they needed to grow some more. 

He couldn’t imagine going back to them now. That pain was still there, but at least Tobio could control it and be grateful for its presence. 

“Good luck,” Tobio said at last, before turning on his heel and facing Year One again. 

“Good luck to you too, Kageyama,” Kindaichi called after him as they wove further backstage. 

The interaction wasn’t what Tobio was expecting or even wanted really… but it felt complete. Like he could look at his past self, see he was no longer that boy, and _finally_ move on. 

\---

The growing cold air left over from the rainstorm struck Tadashi as they stepped out of the performance hall. Already, Hinata and Kageyama were racing off to who knows where, Yachi carefully following after them weary of their trouble. Cat & Owls had joined them too, preferring a more leisurely stroll, except for Bokuto who bounded every step of the way, asking if everyone had seen how well he played. The

The results of the competition would come out tomorrow. They’d return to being enemies or allies or whatever they were. Tonight though, the two bands could act freely as friends and celebrate their joint success. They could eat and drink together, conversations loud and arguments even louder, to commemorate all they’d done. 

Tadashi hung back, falling in like with Tsukki as their pace slowed until they were well behind the rest of the group. And while their laughter and excitement filled the vibrant streets of Tokyo, Tadashi found solace in the quietness that passed between him and Tsukki.

For so long now, he’d been worried about the after. He’d been preparing himself for worst-case scenarios in which fate decided Tadashi wasn’t deserving of love or happiness. He’d heard Tsukki say the words, _‘I don’t feel the same way,’_ so many times in his head, Tadashi nearly didn’t recognize when Tsukki said the opposite. 

Tadashi didn’t think twice about indulging himself and lacing his fingers through Tsukki’s. He squeezed back in return, tucking their conjoined hands into Tsukki’s coat pocket. While Tadashi didn’t particularly care about what onlookers thought, Tsukki was certain that their friends were too preoccupied to notice their subtle affections. 

“You really love me?” Tadashi asked suddenly, surprising even himself as the words came out. 

Tsukki was a bit shocked as well, but his expression settled into one that was steadfast and affectionate. “Of course.”

Tadashi could have pressed on, and he probably would in the future. He’d probably spend a million years questioning _why_ Tsukki returned his feelings and thought of him so greatly. He could easily list off all of Tsukki’s best (and worst) qualities but hearing the opposite might have been a gift too good to be true. 

But Tadashi reminded himself of the warm grip of Tsukki’s hand and the butterflies prancing around in his stomach and knew _this was real._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> say hi on [twitter!](https://twitter.com/copyrightings_)
> 
> session twenty-two: Love Like You


	22. Love Like You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ❤️

It wasn’t often that Tadashi awoke feeling well-rested. More often than not, some anxiety-ridden dream about the future or some nightmare concocted out of past memories would force him out of sleep at the most inopportune times. He’d wake up in a cold sweat, reaching out for something, or maybe even someone. Tadashi was unsure. He just knew that the best nights of sleep he got were when he was latched onto someone’s side, taken aback by slow breathing and the final dregs of sleep. 

So when the stray sun beams that peeked through the shutters of Tsukki’s blinds awoke him instead of some awful dream, he found himself completely at peace. Content, apparently. Happy, most of all. 

Not to mention, he was wrapped around Tsukki like a koala. Their legs were intertwined underneath a mountain of blankets while their hands rested in a loose, connected grip atop Tsukki’s chest. Tadashi didn’t want to move and disturb the quiet moment of tranquility, so he let himself enjoy just _being._

The warm memories from the night prior flooded back. They spent all night eating and laughing with their fellow musicians. They even went to a karaoke bar and witnessed first hand how terrible Kageyama’s voice was (they tried to be nice about it, or at least Tadashi did, until one harsh comment too many had them in a horrible fit of snickers which left Kageyama yelling the rest of the night). 

Tadashi also recalled their performance. When he first picked up those intimidating drumsticks in that small music shop years and years ago, he never expected himself to feel so complete while playing. The twitching hands he hated so mercilessly were now his greatest strength; steady and certain anytime he could play music, especially with Tsukki. The confidence he’d grown bit by tiny bit allowed him to feel free in a way he only hoped to experience once again. The music that wove itself through every part of Tadashi’s life was perhaps his greatest gift. It allowed him to connect with Tsukki, after all. 

As if he was reading Tadashi’s mind, Tsukki began to stir. He blinked lazily, unfocused eyes taking in Tadashi. 

“Good morning, Tsukki,” he whispered. 

Tsukki’s morning haze made him defenseless enough to give Tadashi a free, warm smile. “Good morning. What time is it?”

Tadashi shrugged. “Who knows?”

“My phone probably does.”

Tadashi cozied himself. “Well I don’t know where your phone is either, so it looks like we’ll never know.”

Tsukki sort of snorted at that and unlatched himself from Tadashi. He rolled to the edge and swung his legs off the bed. Tadashi curled up in his absence, hoping to reclaim some of the warmth left behind on Tsukki’s side but to no avail. 

“Hey, Tsukki?” Tadashi yawned as he sat up. 

Tsukki made a questioning _mmm_ sound as he put on his glasses and checked his phone. 

“Can I call you Kei?”

Tsukki’s head whipped around, eyes big under his glasses. “… Hah?” He barely managed to vocalize. 

“Kei,” Tadashi tested. He let out a giggle at how _right_ it sounded. Familiar, and loving, and nostalgic. Tadashi couldn’t get enough of the name. “Kei. I mean, I don’t have to call you Kei in front of other people, but I think it sounds nice. Kei.” 

Tsukki—Kei—adjusted his glasses in a poor effort to hide the rising blush on his cheeks. “Fine,” he relinquished, “but that means I have to call you Tadashi.”

Tadashi laughed and nodded furiously. “Of course.”

Kei laughed, too. A part of Tadashi wished they could exist in this moment forever. The cascading rays of early morning light washing out the tiny imperfections on Kei’s skin. The sound of soft laughter echoing through the small room. The warm, satisfied feelings blooming in Tadashi’s chest. He could happily spend the rest of his days here.

Then again, the thought of the future was intriguing on its own. He was on his way to making a million more memories with Kei. How could he not be excited to see what the prosperous future would hold?

Tadashi knew the moment wouldn’t last. It was fleeting, like everything else in this world. But at least he knew his feelings towards Kei were here to stay. 

“I think you owe me,” Tadashi smirked. 

Kei raised a careful brow. “For what?”

“For months of torture over whether or not you loved me back.”

Kei dramatically rolled his eyes. He silently crossed the room before grabbing his ukulele and returning to the bed. Tadashi readjusted his seating so he could see Kei better from the side angle. 

The instrument was tiny in Kei’s big hands. Tadashi had initially gifted the item out of his own self-enjoyment more than anything—it was one of his favorite instruments after all—and he hadn’t expected for Kei to do much with it. But Kei got to work, tuning the instrument with precision and care. It dawned on Tadashi just how much effort Kei had put in to learn the instrument after all.

“Do you accept payment in song?” Kei teased, finishing up the last part of preparation. He strummed a note with perfect pitch. 

Tadashi shrugged, playing up their fight. “I suppose. Only if it’s really, really good though.”

“I’m not the best singer,” Kei mentioned, gaze affixed on the ukulele. 

“Don’t give me that, you literally sang on stage with Hinata,” Tadashi hummed back. 

“Just a warning.”

“I’m sure it can’t be _that_ bad.”

That earned him a snicker and the smallest of smiles. Kei let out a breath, strummed a few chords, and then dove into the song. 

_“If I could begin to be,”_

Kei’s voice was angelic in its own right. Not polished in the slightest, but still raw and emotional like it had been during their performance. Now though, he sang higher than what Tadashi had initially expected; nevertheless, it was still beautiful as it echoed through the walls of Kei’s room. 

_“Half of what you think of me,”_

Kei’s eyes flicked up on the line. It took all of Tadashi’s strength to not start crying right then and there. 

_“I could do about anything._

_I could even learn how to love…”_

Kei paused and cleared his throat as pink began to dot his cheeks under his glasses. “I’m still working on the middle section…” he explained, his usual monotone voice a sharp contrast from his lovely singing. “But then I think it’d go like—”

He strummed a sweeter version of the same tune and dove into the chorus. 

_“I always thought I might be bad, now I’m sure that it’s true.”_

Tadashi wanted to embrace Kei, run his fingers through his hair, and whisper words of smooth encouragement until Kei never thought like that again. But Tadashi held back, hugging his knees tight and listening as he continued. 

_“‘Cause I think you’re so good, and I’m nothing like you.”_

Kei kept his gaze low, his voice spelling out every second of honesty. 

_“Look at you go, I just adore you._

_I wish that I knew… what makes you think I’m so special.”_

Tadashi couldn’t hold back anymore. He’d been restraining himself for years so, for once, he allowed himself to jump in and envelop Kei into a tight embrace. Kei recoiled for a half-second before dropping his ukulele to wrap his arms around Tadashi. 

“I love you,” Tadashi said, knowing he was going to say it a million times more in the future. 

“I know,” Kei whispered into the crook of Tadashi’s neck.

And they stayed, because being in each other’s arms was the most comfortable place on earth. 

\---

Like he’d done so many days before, Tobio stepped outside the main building of school, walked through the second gym, crossed to the opposite side of the stage, and went through the set of double doors to reach the isolated staircase. And, like so many days before, Hinata was sitting at the top lighting strumming some soft tune on his guitar. 

He looked up as the doors shut behind Tobio, grinning at him with those big brown eyes through his fringe. His hair had gotten a lot longer since the time they first met and a part of Tobio liked this style more. Not to mention, Hinata smiled a lot more than he used to. While he always seemed to offer them up for free, now it seemed like the quality and brightness of them had improved by leagues. 

“Kageyama, why are you staring at me?” Hinata teased as Tobio ascended the stairs. 

Instead of actually replying, he shot Hinata a cursed look which earned him a happy, full laugh in response. Tobio settled down beside him, their knees brushing as they rested on the top step.

He might have been called out for it, but honestly Tobio didn’t want to stop staring at Hinata. He could probably spend hours taking in every inch and detail only to find some beautiful thing he’d never discovered before. Hinata’s body told stories with white, aged scars on his ankles and chipped fingernails from too much playing. There were memories and things Tobio knew nothing about, but was craving to learn. He’d come to love every aspect of it, after all. 

“So, Kageyama,” Hinata began, dropping his arms over his guitar, “what do we do now?” 

Tobio leaned back, using his arms to support him from behind while he titled his head back to the ceiling. The rest of the staircase led to some place that Tobio had never bothered to discover before. Once he found his napping spot, he never troubled himself with further exploration at Karasuno.

But there was a ledge above them with chipped paint and a railing that didn’t look entirely secure. Whatever lied above would remain a mystery for now. Tobio sort of wished he’d take Hinata’s hand and lead him through the unknown. 

“We wait for results,” Tobio said at last, keeping his gaze on the upper part of the staircase. “If we win, we begin prep for a studio album and a new live performance. If we don’t… we’ll practice. Write new songs. Move on.”

Hinata nodded. “I like the sound of that.”

Tobio absentmindedly thought he liked the sound of anything that involved Hinata. 

He still hadn’t said those big three words yet, but he didn’t mind. He’d give Hinata all the time in the world if that’s what he needed. He was still eternally grateful that someone was finally by his side. 

“Say, Kageyama,” Hinata started, eyes flicking towards Tobio, “do you ever wonder what would have happened if you got the proper amount of sleep?”

Tobio had to restrain himself from lashing out which resulted in him chortling at the mere thought. To think that his _everything_ relied on a piss poor sleep schedule was ridiculous. But he was glad now he could share his nap spot in the hopes of creating something better. Sleep schedules and everything else be damned.

“I’d probably still be unhappy,” Tobio answered honestly as he met Hinata’s intense gaze. 

“Me too.”

Hinata slipped his hand into Tobio’s. He then continued to talk about everything there was in the world, topics switching quickly from how Kenma and Kuroo managed to get together to how Hinata had known about Yamaguchi and Tsukishima all along. 

Tobio listened intently, using the opportunity to stare at Hinata’s beautiful face. He wouldn’t ever get tired of a view like this. 

\---

Hitoka quietly opened the door to the studio and was immediately overwhelmed with a soft, warm feeling. She couldn’t exactly describe the way it felt watching Tsukishima and Kageyama argue about something ridiculous while Hinata and Yamaguchi sat by, laughing without a care in the world. Their light conversation and fluttery chuckles sent a pleasant feeling to the center of her stomach. 

In a certain way, it sort of felt like she was coming home. 

They paused in their silly fights to greet her. It was strange, in a way, considering a few months ago she didn’t even know the four boys that sat in front of her. Now she couldn’t imagine a high school experience without their banter and company. 

“Yachi-san, just in time!” Hinata exclaimed, leading her by the arm to the center of the room. “Do you have your laptop?”

Hitoka nodded and pulled out her laptop from her backpack. She set it on an amp, typing away before they all sat back as the livestream queued up. The bouncing image of a cartoon guitar played back and forth. 

“Oh, I’m so nervous,” Yamaguchi breathed, placing a hand to his chest. 

Tsukishima shook his head. “Don’t be. We did everything we could do, and it doesn’t matter in the end if we win or lose.”

Kageyama crossed his arms. “The results are just a byproduct of what we did,” he huffed in agreement. 

“Isn’t that basically what I just said?”

“Well I said it better so—”

The livestream began, the sound of some difficult rock song spilling out of the cheap speakers and filling up the practice room. They all zoned in on the loading video, thrumming with anxious energy unmatched from even their performance. Hitoka was perhaps the most nervous among them; this had been her first performance after all. What if her playing wasn’t on par with the rest of the band’s already crafted dynamic? What if her addition was proven to be a drawback instead of a good decision? What if they hated her specifically and thought that she was the absolute worst thing of the band? What if—

“Yachi-san, don’t be nervous,” Hinata assured in a soothing voice. His gaze was locked onto the screen, determined and focused. “We’ll all be fine, I promise.”

Hitoka nodded slightly and turned her eyes back to the laptop screen. The announcer was some sleazy guy in a cheap suit who was ranting on about the talented performers they had the pleasure of seeing perform over the weekend. His speech was long and boring, giving way to small selections from each band. They were all impressive to a certain extent. And while Hitoka hadn’t heard many of them live, she could tell they weren’t ones to mess around. 

Then they played the video from Year One’s performance. They all instinctively leaned forward, crowding around the small screen to catch a glimpse of their most vulnerable selves. The camerawork was precise and well-edited, much better than the video Hitoka had made for their first performance. It was mainly a highlight reel that played _Sorrow_ as its soundtrack. The camera initially spent most of its time on Hinata, somehow capturing the entrancing lull of his voice. It then cut to a shot of Tsukishima as he sang his lines to Yamaguchi; a close-up showed the drummer’s intense focus and slight grin as he pounded away with a perfect beat. The next shot showed a confident Kageyama during his guitar solo. His stern gaze was maybe something out of nightmares but regardless showed their intensity. 

And then it cut to a shot of Hitoka. She’d never seen herself play before and, for a moment, she questioned who the woman was on stage. She was blonde, like Hitoka, but her hair seemed tousled and cool-looking, completely unlike what Hitoka usually appeared like. She stuck her tongue out with her zoned-in focus, as she expertly played the keyboard like she was actually born for it. 

Was this… Hitoka?

“Wow, Yachi-san!” Hinata breathed as the shot pulled out to a wide. It cut to her again, and spent the most time on her even as they cycled through the performers. “You look amazing!”

Hitoka shook her head in disbelief. Maybe, just maybe, she really did belong on the stage with the rest of them. She’d never considered herself a particularly talented performer and yet the video was clear evidence she’d done something right.

It felt… nice. 

She let a smile out. “Thank you,” she said, voice hoarse. 

They moved onto the next band, showing off _Reyes’_ best moments and eventually got through to show Cats & Owls as the closer. The stream went back to the cheesy host and he mumbled on about how great everyone was and thanked the audience for supporting all the local artists. 

“Come on,” Tsukishima whispered so small that Hitoka initially thought she’d imagined it. But she caught Yamaguchi developing a soft, loving gaze, and she knew that it was real. 

“And now the moment you have all been waiting for,” the announcer said, winking into the camera as someone off-screen handed him an envelope. He waved it around with fluid hands before centering it flat against his body. “We would again like to thank all of our performers for participating. And without further ado…”

He painstakingly slowly peeled back the flap of the envelope to reveal a golden card inside. Careful not to spoil the results, he whipped it out before displaying the intricate design on the back for the camera to see. “And the winner is…”

A drumroll start effect sounded off as the camera began to slowly zoom in on the man’s face. He gave the virtual audience a killer grin before announcing in his most professional voice, _“Reyes!”_

He flipped the card around only to confirm that the winners were, in fact, _Reyes._

Hitoka found herself gasping against her will. It wasn’t like she expected to win, but a part of her had been reserved in believing they could have done it. She wholeheartedly believed in the band, after all. It seemed only natural they could be the winners of it all. 

Instead, she turned her gaze towards Kageyama who sucked in a harsh breath. In the background, the stream ended quietly and silence filled up the otherwise cacophonous studio. Her inquisitive stare was matched with the eyes of Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and Hinata. 

Kageyama let his head drop for a small moment. She couldn’t exactly read his expression, given he was doing a great job at keeping his neutrality. 

“Kageyama…” Hinata began, but his voice fell flat, victim to the silence. 

Kageyama abruptly snapped his head up. He looked over them and let out another breath. “I’m fine…” Hinata raised an eyebrow. Kageyama sank into a scowl. “Seriously, I’m fine. They’re more experienced, after all. They’ve been together for years, and we’ve been together for months. It’s a given. We need to be better for next time.”

“Maybe so, but I wanted to win!” Hinata pouts. “They get to go on and perform more! I wanna do that!”

“Who says we won't?” Tsukishima argued, quickly retracting his enthusiasm and returning to his normal state of displeasure. 

Yamaguchi beamed at him. “Yeah I mean, we can definitely continue playing.”

“You’re right, you’re right, but I just wanted to perform again soon,” Hinata relinquished. He stepped away from the laptop and retrieved his guitar. “But I guess that just means we gotta practice lots before our next performance!”

“Yeah, we better,” Kageyama concurred as they all broke formation to find their instruments. They silently adorned their parts and Hitoka happily stepped behind the keyboard. 

“We’re writing a happy song next time!” Hinata added. 

“Yeah, Tsukki can help write it!” Yamaguchi chimed in with a smile. 

Tsukishima made a face at him, but it was more adoration than annoyance. “Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

“Sorry, Tsukki!”

“Are we playing or not?” Kageyama asked, tuning the final strings of his guitar. 

Hinata nodded excitedly, smiling as bright as the sun. Yamaguchi tested out the drum kit while Tsukishima fingered over some of the chords. 

Hitoka let out a heavy breath. Yeah, this felt like home. 

Yamaguchi tapped them a steady beat and Hitoka felt a genuine smile rise to her lips. Her elated energy was matched by her bandmates, who all gripped their respective instruments in collective anticipation. 

Hitoka’s hands hovered over the keyboard. And, when the time was right, she began to play. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you, genuinely from the bottom of my heart, for reading through all of this. im so happy l that I get to share my writing and people actually like it back so seriously thank you so so so much
> 
> to everyone that's been here since the beginning, joined along the way, or found it at the end, I am beyond grateful
> 
> please come interact w me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/copyrightings_) and have a wonderful day!!!! love u all 💕


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